Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[The short is ending.]
Narrator: How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?
Servo: Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?
Narrator: How can you tell? Is this love?
Crow: You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.
[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]
Mike: And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.
Crow: No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.
[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]
Servo: "How Much Affection?"
Crow: "When Should I Marry?"
[Mike and the bots continue with fake titles.]
Mike: "Know Your Ointments"
Servo: "What's That Down There?"
Crow: "When He Wants It Rough"
Mike: "Procreation, Not Recreation"
Servo: "Oh No, Pleasure!"
Crow: "McClintock!"
Narrator: How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?
Servo: Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?
Narrator: How can you tell? Is this love?
Crow: You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.
[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]
Mike: And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.
Crow: No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.
[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]
Servo: "How Much Affection?"
Crow: "When Should I Marry?"
[Mike and the bots continue with fake titles.]
Mike: "Know Your Ointments"
Servo: "What's That Down There?"
Crow: "When He Wants It Rough"
Mike: "Procreation, Not Recreation"
Servo: "Oh No, Pleasure!"
Crow: "McClintock!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a girl is strangled]
Crow: Splendor in the Grass 2: Dream Warrior!
Crow: Splendor in the Grass 2: Dream Warrior!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Reading the opening cards]
Servo: Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.
Crow: A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating!
Servo: Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.
Crow: A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The short opens over a large clock.]
Servo [as radio announcer]: The Jack Benny Program!
[The clock strikes ominously.]
Mike: [deeply]Ebenezer Scrooge...
Servo [as radio announcer]: The Jack Benny Program!
[The clock strikes ominously.]
Mike: [deeply]Ebenezer Scrooge...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A phone rings.]
Crow: For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA.
[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]
Servo: Oh, the foley guy must be calling!
Crow: For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA.
[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]
Servo: Oh, the foley guy must be calling!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Johnny: Why don't they call?
Crow: Because they don't like you.
Crow: Because they don't like you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mary: The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?
Crow [as John]: Aw, let's just cheat!
John: x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... [Mary shakes her head]
Servo [as Mary]: Nobody home, huh?
John: Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...
Mike [as Mary]: John, this is geography!
Crow [as John]: Aw, let's just cheat!
John: x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... [Mary shakes her head]
Servo [as Mary]: Nobody home, huh?
John: Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...
Mike [as Mary]: John, this is geography!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: And there was Mary sitting right in front of you, her head chock full of the answers you needed.
Crow: Split it open now!
Narrator: And you knew Mary, being Mary, would be more than willing to help you.
[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder]
Servo [as Johnny]: [loudly] Hey Mary! What's the answer?
Crow: Split it open now!
Narrator: And you knew Mary, being Mary, would be more than willing to help you.
[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder]
Servo [as Johnny]: [loudly] Hey Mary! What's the answer?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]
Mike [as Narrator]: Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.
[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]
Servo [as Miss Grandy]: This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.
Mike [as Narrator]: Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.
[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]
Servo [as Miss Grandy]: This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she handed back your paper?
Crow: Or was it lust?
Crow: Or was it lust?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.
[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]
Servo [as Johnny]: Oh, hi Miss Grandy— EAAAAAAGH!AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!
[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]
Servo [as Johnny]: Oh, hi Miss Grandy— EAAAAAAGH!AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: And most of all, your new job as student council representative.
[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]
Crow [as Johnny]: I envision a cheating wing!
[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]
Crow [as Johnny]: I envision a cheating wing!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]
Servo [as Miss Grandy]: I smell a big Commie rat.
Miss Grandy: John, bring it up here, please.
[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]
Crow [as loudspeaker]: PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK!
[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]
Servo: Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!
. . .
Crow: And so Dana Plato's career begins.
Servo [as Miss Grandy]: I smell a big Commie rat.
Miss Grandy: John, bring it up here, please.
[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]
Crow [as loudspeaker]: PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK!
[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]
Servo: Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!
. . .
Crow: And so Dana Plato's career begins.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]
Mike, Crow, Servo: Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!
Mike, Crow, Servo: Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Did Johnny mean to be dishonest?
Servo: Or is he just pure evil?
Servo: Or is he just pure evil?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A question mark appears on-screen.]
Crow [as the Riddler]: Riddle me this, Batman! [cackles]
Crow [as the Riddler]: Riddle me this, Batman! [cackles]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the "The End" card]
Mike: The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope!
Mike: The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]
Mike: Hey, I have my 40-year TV medallion.
Servo: [singing]What do you do when you're branded?
Crow: [singing] You watch TV.
Mike: Hey, I have my 40-year TV medallion.
Servo: [singing]What do you do when you're branded?
Crow: [singing] You watch TV.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]
Servo: I'm as mad as hell!...
Servo: I'm as mad as hell!...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]
Mike: Holy cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!
Mike: Holy cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]
Crow: Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!
Servo: So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh?
[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]
Mike: Whahappa?
Servo [as TV announcer]: Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!
[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: [in a dull voice]Tequila.
Crow: Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.
Crow: Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!
Servo: So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh?
[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]
Mike: Whahappa?
Servo [as TV announcer]: Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!
[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: [in a dull voice]Tequila.
Crow: Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]
Man: Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in.
Mike: Simpson, eh?
Man: Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in.
Mike: Simpson, eh?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage fromThe Mole People.]
Crow: [confused] Wha— that's The Mole People! These movies have crashed!
Mike: You got your Mole People in my Batwoman!
Servo: You got your Batwoman in my Mole People!
Crow: [confused] Wha— that's The Mole People! These movies have crashed!
Mike: You got your Mole People in my Batwoman!
Servo: You got your Batwoman in my Mole People!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the Monkees look good!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]
Mike: Maybe they'll all turn into butter.
Mike: Maybe they'll all turn into butter.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: So, Mike. This is Hell.
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Servo: Me too.
Mike: No. [a beat] Will you kill me?
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Servo: Me too.
Mike: No. [a beat] Will you kill me?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]
Servo: [screaming] ENDDDD! EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!
[And now, at last, the film ends.]
Mike: [defeated and unimpressed] What a wild wild world!
Crow: Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you!
Servo: [screaming] ENDDDD! EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!
[And now, at last, the film ends.]
Mike: [defeated and unimpressed] What a wild wild world!
Crow: Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]
Crow: Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here!
Crow: Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000