Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]
Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!
Servo [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction.
. . .
Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!
Mike [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.
Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!
Servo [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction.
. . .
Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!
Mike [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]
Mike: That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger!
Mike: That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]
Crow: Hey it's the Blue Mosque!
Servo: No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill.
Crow: Have you been to Istanbul?
Servo: THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL!
Crow: Hey it's the Blue Mosque!
Servo: No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill.
Crow: Have you been to Istanbul?
Servo: THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]
Mike [as Wanda]: Ah! Swimsuit issue!
Crow [as Wanda]: This whole room smells like my eyes!
Mike [as Wanda]: Ah! Swimsuit issue!
Crow [as Wanda]: This whole room smells like my eyes!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]
Crow [as Grasshopper]: They got Jiminy! Get em!
. . .
Mike [as general]: We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to grasshoppers, people!
Crow [as Grasshopper]: They got Jiminy! Get em!
. . .
Mike [as general]: We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to grasshoppers, people!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]
Crow [as general]: I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God!
. . .
[As the grasshopper breaks free, Peter Graves's character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]
Crow: Pete! Pete! Short, controlled bursts!
Crow [as general]: I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God!
. . .
[As the grasshopper breaks free, Peter Graves's character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]
Crow: Pete! Pete! Short, controlled bursts!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]
Servo: When Brian Eno ruled Chicago.
Servo: When Brian Eno ruled Chicago.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]
Tom Servo: [gasps] They flattened him!
Tom Servo: [gasps] They flattened him!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]
Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]: Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!
Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]: Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]
Mike [as Announcer]: Pete, Linc, Julie, and... Steve?
. . .
Servo [as Walter Winchell]: Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!
Mike [as Announcer]: Pete, Linc, Julie, and... Steve?
. . .
Servo [as Walter Winchell]: Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]
Angry City Councilman: We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already!
Servo [as Councilman]: Kill 'em all!
Angry City Councilman: We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already!
Servo [as Councilman]: Kill 'em all!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]
Servo: It's Prince's new name, isn't it?
Crow: No, it's Frank Gorshin's new name!
Servo: It's Prince's new name, isn't it?
Crow: No, it's Frank Gorshin's new name!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]'
Mike: Hey, wait a minute!
Crow: She's nude!
Servo: Lady...
Mike: Hey, wait a minute!
Crow: She's nude!
Servo: Lady...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]
Crow: She's SORT-OF ALIVE!
Crow: She's SORT-OF ALIVE!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]
Servo: [giggling] And she floats gently to her death!
Servo: [giggling] And she floats gently to her death!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]
Crow [as Hetty/Dr. Strangelove]: Mein Fuehrer! I can walk!
Crow [as Hetty/Dr. Strangelove]: Mein Fuehrer! I can walk!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]
Crow: I hate this movie already.
Crow: I hate this movie already.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]
Crow: It's Commissioner Gordon calling!
Crow: It's Commissioner Gordon calling!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Watney: You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot?
Mike [as Watney]: You just put your lips together and drink!
Mike [as Watney]: You just put your lips together and drink!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]
Mike: Any chance Barney Rubble there could go through the windshield?
[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]
Crow: Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!
Mike: Any chance Barney Rubble there could go through the windshield?
[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]
Crow: Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Watney: Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot?
Crow [as Cabot]: Ssh! I'm acting!
Cabot: I must go to Koruba!
Watney: What?
Cabot: Koruba.
[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]
Watney: The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot.
Mike, Crow & Servo: [chanting] Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him...
Watney: Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh?
Mike: [whispers] Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now!
Crow [as Cabot]: Ssh! I'm acting!
Cabot: I must go to Koruba!
Watney: What?
Cabot: Koruba.
[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]
Watney: The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot.
Mike, Crow & Servo: [chanting] Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him...
Watney: Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh?
Mike: [whispers] Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Guard: Who are you?
Cabot: My name is Cabot.
Guard: Cabot?
[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]
Peasant #1: Cabot!
Peasant #2: Cabot!
Peasant #3: Cabot!
Peasant #4: Cabot!
Peasant #5: Cabot!
Mike: Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry.
Cabot: My name is Cabot.
Guard: Cabot?
[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]
Peasant #1: Cabot!
Peasant #2: Cabot!
Peasant #3: Cabot!
Peasant #4: Cabot!
Peasant #5: Cabot!
Mike: Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]
Cabot: Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression!
Mike [as Cabot]: Uh, starting tomorrow.
Cabot: Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression!
Mike [as Cabot]: Uh, starting tomorrow.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]
Servo: Check it out, it's one of them Jack Nicklaus golf communities!
Mike: [to Servo] ...Are you old? How do you know about that?
Servo: Check it out, it's one of them Jack Nicklaus golf communities!
Mike: [to Servo] ...Are you old? How do you know about that?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jack Palance's character is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]
Queen Lara: What are you talking about?
Mike [as Jack Palance]: [resignedly] I really don't know.
Queen Lara: What are you talking about?
Mike [as Jack Palance]: [resignedly] I really don't know.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]
Cabot: She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.
Crow [as Cabot]: Nekkid.
Cabot: She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.
Crow [as Cabot]: Nekkid.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mike and the bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]
Crow: Let's see, uh... [doing a Jack Palance impression] "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."
Mike: Okay... [takes book and does own Jack Palance impression] "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." [referring to his character's recurring phrase] "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"
Servo: [takes book, does Palance] "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing Thomas Aquinas. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."
Crow: [book; Palance] "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."
Mike: "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."
Servo: "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—" [startled, reverts back to normal voice] "I think I killed a man today. More later?"
[all shudder]
Crow: Let's see, uh... [doing a Jack Palance impression] "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."
Mike: Okay... [takes book and does own Jack Palance impression] "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." [referring to his character's recurring phrase] "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"
Servo: [takes book, does Palance] "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing Thomas Aquinas. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."
Crow: [book; Palance] "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."
Mike: "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."
Servo: "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—" [startled, reverts back to normal voice] "I think I killed a man today. More later?"
[all shudder]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the end credits]
Servo: Ah, well.
Crow: Have you seen the outtakes for this film?
Mike: No, did they show 'em on Bloopers and Practical Jokes?
Servo: No, uh, Faces of Death, actually. [They all laugh.] Sounds like Miami Vice. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?
Mike: No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the USA network.
Servo: Oh! The USA— [imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s] I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. [imitates the fanfare again]
Mike: Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]
Crow: Yeah, that or— [As a TV announcer] "Jeff Conaway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat and mouse in Murder Most Moist."
Servo: Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. [As a TV announcer] "Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in Peekaboo Lace, P.I."
Crow: That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout [Announcer] "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in Dark Underpants"?
Mike: How about this one? [Announcer] "Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in Tongue Lashing!"
Crow: I like it!
Servo: Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in French Pistol. CATCH IT!" [as they laugh] This is fun! Yeah.
Mike: Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in Death Spank!"
Servo: Ooh, good one, "Death Spank"!
Crow: I've got a good one. How about "Chris Lemmon and Heather Loc
Servo: Ah, well.
Crow: Have you seen the outtakes for this film?
Mike: No, did they show 'em on Bloopers and Practical Jokes?
Servo: No, uh, Faces of Death, actually. [They all laugh.] Sounds like Miami Vice. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?
Mike: No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the USA network.
Servo: Oh! The USA— [imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s] I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. [imitates the fanfare again]
Mike: Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]
Crow: Yeah, that or— [As a TV announcer] "Jeff Conaway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat and mouse in Murder Most Moist."
Servo: Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. [As a TV announcer] "Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in Peekaboo Lace, P.I."
Crow: That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout [Announcer] "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in Dark Underpants"?
Mike: How about this one? [Announcer] "Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in Tongue Lashing!"
Crow: I like it!
Servo: Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in French Pistol. CATCH IT!" [as they laugh] This is fun! Yeah.
Mike: Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in Death Spank!"
Servo: Ooh, good one, "Death Spank"!
Crow: I've got a good one. How about "Chris Lemmon and Heather Loc
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Title of short appears]
Servo: Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings!
Servo: Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As woman walks away from car]
Crow: Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders!
Crow: Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000