Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]
Servo: [growling] Rrrrr.
. . .
Patrolman: If you haven't seen the signs...
Mike [as Narrator]: Boy, you haven't lived.
Servo: [growling] Rrrrr.
. . .
Patrolman: If you haven't seen the signs...
Mike [as Narrator]: Boy, you haven't lived.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]
Servo [as Santa]: [singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...
. . .
[Over Spain]
Mike, Crow, Servo: [singing along]I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...
. . .
[Over China]
Servo: [singing] We are forced to sing...
Crow: Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
. . .
Narrator: Boys and girls from England.
Crow: ...have rotten teeth.
Servo [as Santa]: Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
. . .
Narrator: Japan also helps Santa.
Mike [as Narrator]: By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.
. . .
Narrator: Talented children from the Orient.
Crow: ...are not here today.
Mike: Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.
Servo [as Santa]: [singing] Get it on in the morning now!
. . .
Narrator: Even Russia has a delegation.
Crow: Currently under surveillance by the CIA.
Mike [as Narrator]: Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.
. . .
Narrator: The group from France.
Servo: ...stinks to high heaven!
. . .
[Over Germany]
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: Klink, you are a terrible singer!
Mike [as Col. Klink]: You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: How would you like to sing at the Russian front?
Mike [as Col. Klink]: Well, my father was a very famous conductor...
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: Shut up!
Mike: I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie com
Servo [as Santa]: [singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...
. . .
[Over Spain]
Mike, Crow, Servo: [singing along]I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...
. . .
[Over China]
Servo: [singing] We are forced to sing...
Crow: Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
. . .
Narrator: Boys and girls from England.
Crow: ...have rotten teeth.
Servo [as Santa]: Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
. . .
Narrator: Japan also helps Santa.
Mike [as Narrator]: By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.
. . .
Narrator: Talented children from the Orient.
Crow: ...are not here today.
Mike: Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.
Servo [as Santa]: [singing] Get it on in the morning now!
. . .
Narrator: Even Russia has a delegation.
Crow: Currently under surveillance by the CIA.
Mike [as Narrator]: Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.
. . .
Narrator: The group from France.
Servo: ...stinks to high heaven!
. . .
[Over Germany]
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: Klink, you are a terrible singer!
Mike [as Col. Klink]: You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: How would you like to sing at the Russian front?
Mike [as Col. Klink]: Well, my father was a very famous conductor...
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: Shut up!
Mike: I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie com
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The devil is encouraging a girl to steal].
Narrator: Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
Crow: Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
Narrator: That's right, Lupita, put it back.
[The girl puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].
Crow [as mother]: Way to defeat Satan, honey.
Pitch: [muttering angrily to himself] Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!
Mike: [bewildered] Oh, don't ever do that again.
Narrator: Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
Crow: Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
Narrator: That's right, Lupita, put it back.
[The girl puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].
Crow [as mother]: Way to defeat Satan, honey.
Pitch: [muttering angrily to himself] Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!
Mike: [bewildered] Oh, don't ever do that again.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]
Mike: [cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.
Mike: [cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]
Second boy: [over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
Servo [as Santa Claus]: They're on to me! Into the escape pod!
Second boy: [over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
Servo [as Santa Claus]: They're on to me! Into the escape pod!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]
Crow: This is a fascist Santa!
Mike: Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.
Tom: Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.
Crow: This is a fascist Santa!
Mike: Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.
Tom: Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]
Mike: Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!
Mike: Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]
Mike [as announcer]: It's your new mom! [Crow imitates audience roaring]
Mike [as announcer]: It's your new mom! [Crow imitates audience roaring]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A girl is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]
Mike: Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!
Mike: Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Several children are writing.]
Crow [as children]: Call me Ishmael... I was born in a house my father built... The minute Yossarian...
. . .
Crow: [sings]I've written a letter to Daddy...
Crow [as children]: Call me Ishmael... I was born in a house my father built... The minute Yossarian...
. . .
Crow: [sings]I've written a letter to Daddy...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]
Mike [as boy]: I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time!
Mike [as boy]: I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The credits show "Based onThe Food of the Godsby H. G. Wells".]
Crow: "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English!
Mike: It could be based on Profiles in Courage!
Servo: Oh, by Theodore Sorensen?
Crow: "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English!
Mike: It could be based on Profiles in Courage!
Servo: Oh, by Theodore Sorensen?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.]
Servo: He blew his hand off!
Crow [as Magnus Pyke]: I blinded me with science!
Servo: He blew his hand off!
Crow [as Magnus Pyke]: I blinded me with science!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Genius (played by a young Ron Howard) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]
Mike: I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see Willow.
Crow: Hey, I liked Willow!
Mike: I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see Willow.
Crow: Hey, I liked Willow!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]
Mike: Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with Willow.
Crow: [indignantly] I liked Willow!
Mike: Kevin Pollak? You liked that?
Mike: Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with Willow.
Crow: [indignantly] I liked Willow!
Mike: Kevin Pollak? You liked that?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]
Crow: Spiders don't growl, even that big.
Mike: I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl.
Crow: [defensively] I liked Willow.
Crow: Spiders don't growl, even that big.
Mike: I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl.
Crow: [defensively] I liked Willow.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from Bert I.
Servo: That's why he made Willow.
Crow: Hey, I likedWillow!
Servo: That's why he made Willow.
Crow: Hey, I likedWillow!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]
Crow: Oh, come on! The effects in Willow were better than this!
Mike: Hey, you liked Willow!
Crow: I— huh?
Crow: Oh, come on! The effects in Willow were better than this!
Mike: Hey, you liked Willow!
Crow: I— huh?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Woman: [singing] I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright...
Mike: Aw, y'know, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams.
Mike: Aw, y'know, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the Mystery Man first appears...]
Servo: And Tommy Tune arrives!
Servo: And Tommy Tune arrives!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the Dancing Woman arrives at Motorama...]
Mike: Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception!
Mike: Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Woman: I want a Corvette!
Mike [as Mystery Man]: [singing] I don't give a tin sh...!
Mystery Man: I thought you would!
Crow [as Mystery Man]: That's why I entered your head!
Woman: [singing] I want a Pontiac, too!
Mike: Man, she's a high-maintanence date!
Mike [as Mystery Man]: [singing] I don't give a tin sh...!
Mystery Man: I thought you would!
Crow [as Mystery Man]: That's why I entered your head!
Woman: [singing] I want a Pontiac, too!
Mike: Man, she's a high-maintanence date!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mystery Man: [singing] This Buick's a beaut!
Woman: [singing] I'll Try it!
Crow: She's going to roll it!
[Mike and Tom Servo gasp]
Woman: [singing] I'll Try it!
Crow: She's going to roll it!
[Mike and Tom Servo gasp]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In her dream, the woman emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]
Crow: Aaah! It's a salute to Mr. B Natural!
Servo: Oh, no, no, no!
[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]
Mike: This would be the "up" part of her manic mood swings, I'm guessing.
Crow: Oh-ho-ho...
Servo: Man, it is gonna take her forever to write this dream down.
[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]
. . .
Mike: I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat!
Crow: Well, sometimes a sun hat is just a sun hat.
Crow: Aaah! It's a salute to Mr. B Natural!
Servo: Oh, no, no, no!
[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]
Mike: This would be the "up" part of her manic mood swings, I'm guessing.
Crow: Oh-ho-ho...
Servo: Man, it is gonna take her forever to write this dream down.
[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]
. . .
Mike: I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat!
Crow: Well, sometimes a sun hat is just a sun hat.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The woman removes a birthday cake from a futuristic oven.]
Woman: My cake is ready.
Mike: I call no way!
Servo: Uh-uh. Candles and everything...
Crow: Happy Birthday, Wanda June.
Woman: My cake is ready.
Mike: I call no way!
Servo: Uh-uh. Candles and everything...
Crow: Happy Birthday, Wanda June.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun]
Mother Veronica: Wait for me, sister.
Crow [as Mother Veronica]: If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it!
Mother Veronica: Wait for me, sister.
Crow [as Mother Veronica]: If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced Paul Anka).]
Mr. Clyde: You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
Servo: Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!
Mr. Clyde: You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
Servo: Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with her dead ex-boyfriend's father]
Mr. Gardner: I'll never understand what my son saw in you.
Silver: Oh, no? [turns to face him]
Crow [as Silver]: Do these explain anything?
Mr. Gardner: I'll never understand what my son saw in you.
Silver: Oh, no? [turns to face him]
Crow [as Silver]: Do these explain anything?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000