Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested Mamie Van Doren, steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]
Crow: Let's see, where should I be looking right now...?
Crow: Let's see, where should I be looking right now...?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Now in a gown, the woman is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]
Narrator [as Announcer]: And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
Crow [as Announcer]: Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!
. . .
Woman: Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.
[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]
Servo, Crow [as Crowd]: Give us Cyd Charisse!
Crow: While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
Servo [as Announcer]: Cindy WilliamsisTwyla TharpasIsadora DuncaninThe Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!
Mike [as Announcer]: Co-starring Tom Bosley.
Crow [as Announcer]: As Bosley.
Narrator [as Announcer]: And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
Crow [as Announcer]: Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!
. . .
Woman: Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.
[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]
Servo, Crow [as Crowd]: Give us Cyd Charisse!
Crow: While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
Servo [as Announcer]: Cindy WilliamsisTwyla TharpasIsadora DuncaninThe Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!
Mike [as Announcer]: Co-starring Tom Bosley.
Crow [as Announcer]: As Bosley.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]
Servo [as Announcer]: With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows...
Crow: Bonnie and Clyde's death car!
. . .
Servo [as Announcer]: With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph...
Crow: Fonzie's death car.
Mike [as Fonzie]: Ay.
. . .
Mike [as Narrator]: Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional.
Crow: Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason.
. . .
Servo: The "Closed Three Plants" car.
Mike: Executive producer, Jack Philbin.
Crow: The Schick electric razor car!
. . .
Narrator: Costume by Emilio of Capri!
Mike [as Narrator]: Unfettered avarice by Madison Avenue!
Servo [as Announcer]: ...in The Honeymooners!
Crow: Makes growling noises.
. . .
Mike [as Narrator]: Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood.
Servo [as Announcer]: With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows...
Crow: Bonnie and Clyde's death car!
. . .
Servo [as Announcer]: With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph...
Crow: Fonzie's death car.
Mike [as Fonzie]: Ay.
. . .
Mike [as Narrator]: Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional.
Crow: Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason.
. . .
Servo: The "Closed Three Plants" car.
Mike: Executive producer, Jack Philbin.
Crow: The Schick electric razor car!
. . .
Narrator: Costume by Emilio of Capri!
Mike [as Narrator]: Unfettered avarice by Madison Avenue!
Servo [as Announcer]: ...in The Honeymooners!
Crow: Makes growling noises.
. . .
Mike [as Narrator]: Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. Throughout the ride, the gang makes noises like "The Jetsons".]
Mike [as Mystery Man]: Look. Dead raccoon of tomorrow.
[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]
Woman: [singing] Tomorrow... tomorrow...
Servo: [singing, a la Elmer Fudd]With my sword and magic helmet...
. . .
Mike [as Mystery Man]: That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock.
. . .
Crow: Automatic freeway. You build it.
. . .
Mike: Someone invent rock and roll, please!
. . .
Servo: Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.
. . .
Crow: Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control.
Mike [as Mystery Man]: Look. Dead raccoon of tomorrow.
[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]
Woman: [singing] Tomorrow... tomorrow...
Servo: [singing, a la Elmer Fudd]With my sword and magic helmet...
. . .
Mike [as Mystery Man]: That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock.
. . .
Crow: Automatic freeway. You build it.
. . .
Mike: Someone invent rock and roll, please!
. . .
Servo: Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.
. . .
Crow: Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the short ends, the Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]
Mike: Look out! The bridge to the future's out!
[They all gasp and make explosions as the end card appears.]
Mike: Look out! The bridge to the future's out!
[They all gasp and make explosions as the end card appears.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]
Servo [as Jerry Lewis]: Lady!
Crow [as Jerry Lewis]: Hey, lady!
Mike [as Jerry Lewis]: Hey, down here, lady!
Servo [as Jerry Lewis]: Love this lady.
Mike: She's in everything.
Servo [as Jerry Lewis]: Lady!
Crow [as Jerry Lewis]: Hey, lady!
Mike [as Jerry Lewis]: Hey, down here, lady!
Servo [as Jerry Lewis]: Love this lady.
Mike: She's in everything.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the opening title]
Mike: Doughnuts?
Servo: No, no, no.
Crow [as Jackie Gleason]: Oh, you're goin' to the moon, all right!
Mike: Doughnuts?
Servo: No, no, no.
Crow [as Jackie Gleason]: Oh, you're goin' to the moon, all right!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]
Mike: Wow, I think I'm in this!
Mike: Wow, I think I'm in this!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]
Secretary General: At this moment...
Crow [as Secretary General]: I may die!
Secretary General: ... over two billion people...
Servo [as Secretary General]: ... have been served.
Secretary General: … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program.
Mike [as Secretary General]: ... and my rump.
Secretary General: Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it...
Servo [as Secretary General]: ... dolphin-safe!
Secretary General: ... international territory.
Crow [as Secretary General]: ... and House of Pancakes.
. . .
Secretary General: God be with you.
Servo: And also with you.
Secretary General: At this moment...
Crow [as Secretary General]: I may die!
Secretary General: ... over two billion people...
Servo [as Secretary General]: ... have been served.
Secretary General: … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program.
Mike [as Secretary General]: ... and my rump.
Secretary General: Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it...
Servo [as Secretary General]: ... dolphin-safe!
Secretary General: ... international territory.
Crow [as Secretary General]: ... and House of Pancakes.
. . .
Secretary General: God be with you.
Servo: And also with you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]
Dr. Hamid: Allah be praised!
Dr. Orlov: Praise the ship, not Allah.
Servo [as Hamid]: I'll praise whoever I want, white boy.
Dr. Hamid: Allah be praised!
Dr. Orlov: Praise the ship, not Allah.
Servo [as Hamid]: I'll praise whoever I want, white boy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff]
Mike Nelson [as Chip]: [screams, then pauses] Hey, look, a moral! [resumes screaming]
Mike Nelson [as Chip]: [screams, then pauses] Hey, look, a moral! [resumes screaming]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]
Servo: The music that rocked America… gently to sleep.
Servo: The music that rocked America… gently to sleep.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]
Mike: The Velvet Hog! [N]
Mike: The Velvet Hog! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]
Servo [as Operator]: Girls Town, please hold.
Servo [as Hold Music]: [singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"] Our father, who art in heaven…
. . .
Servo [as Operator]: All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. [N]
Servo [as Operator]: Girls Town, please hold.
Servo [as Hold Music]: [singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"] Our father, who art in heaven…
. . .
Servo [as Operator]: All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]
Silver: Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ten times! I can't get anyone to answer!
Crow [as Operator]: Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?!
Silver: Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ten times! I can't get anyone to answer!
Crow [as Operator]: Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]
Silver Morgan: Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy!
Mike: Especially since he's thirty-eight!
Silver Morgan: Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy!
Mike: Especially since he's thirty-eight!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: The Woody Allen story!
Mike: Hey, I like my family as a friend.
Mike: Hey, I like my family as a friend.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Reading a list of names in the credits]
Crow: All of who are orphans.
Crow: All of who are orphans.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Brother looks inside a pot]
Narrator: What's the matter?
Servo [as Brother]: THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE!
Narrator: What's the matter?
Servo [as Brother]: THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Announcer]: We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime.
Mike [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them.
Mike [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]
Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner.
Mike [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight.
Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner.
Mike [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner.
Servo [as Narrator]: With strychnine!
Crow [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother!
Servo [as Narrator]: With strychnine!
Crow [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves.
Crow: But not these people.
Crow: But not these people.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Narrator]: What you are watching should have been edited in the final version. My apologies.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him.
Crow [as Narrator]: They're not, of course...
Crow [as Narrator]: They're not, of course...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[as the boys talk with their dad]
Mike [as Junior]: Father, I had a feeling today.
Servo [as Father]: Well don't, son.
Mike [as Junior]: Father, I had a feeling today.
Servo [as Father]: Well don't, son.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike [as Mother]: Hi, I'm Betty, and I'l be your wife tonight.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000