Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]
Narrator: Brother seats Junior...
Crow [as Narrator]: Daughter obsesses with the flowers.
Narrator: ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.
Mike [as Narrator]: The less said about this, the better.
. . .
Crow [as Narrator]: Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog...
Narrator: Brother seats Junior...
Crow [as Narrator]: Daughter obsesses with the flowers.
Narrator: ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.
Mike [as Narrator]: The less said about this, the better.
. . .
Crow [as Narrator]: Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime.
Crow [as Father]: Please, God, take me now...
Crow [as Father]: Please, God, take me now...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Father begins passing food.]
Servo: [in a British accent]Field Marshall Montgomery sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day...
[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]
Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.
Mike [as Daughter]: No, I— I'll just have Saltines.
Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.
Crow [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people.
Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.
Servo [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough.
Servo: [in a British accent]Field Marshall Montgomery sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day...
[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]
Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.
Mike [as Daughter]: No, I— I'll just have Saltines.
Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.
Crow [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people.
Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.
Servo [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Father serves Mother first, then Daughter.
Mike [as Narrator]: Let's go to the flowchart for this.
. . .
Crow [as Narrator]: And be sure to make a plate for the narrator.
Mike [as Narrator]: Let's go to the flowchart for this.
. . .
Crow [as Narrator]: And be sure to make a plate for the narrator.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo [as Narrator]: Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: No one starts eating until Father has served himself.
Mike [as Narrator]: THIS MEANS YOU!
Narrator: Always wait for the hostess...
Servo [as Narrator]: to seat you.
Narrator: ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start.
Mike [as Narrator]: Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!
Mike [as Narrator]: THIS MEANS YOU!
Narrator: Always wait for the hostess...
Servo [as Narrator]: to seat you.
Narrator: ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start.
Mike [as Narrator]: Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is.
Mike [as Narrator]: ...even as you gag on it.
[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]
Servo [as Brother]: This stinks!
Mike [as Narrator]: ...even as you gag on it.
[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]
Servo [as Brother]: This stinks!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly.
Mike [as Narrator]: …than having a personality.
Mike [as Narrator]: …than having a personality.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy.
Crow [as Narrator]: …and they already dislike you enough.
Crow [as Narrator]: …and they already dislike you enough.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]
Mike [as Father]: Well. That settles it. Spankings all around, then.
Mike [as Father]: Well. That settles it. Spankings all around, then.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion?
Mike [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU?
Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?
Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!
Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.
Servo [as Narrator]: ...and control and repression.
Mike [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU?
Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?
Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!
Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.
Servo [as Narrator]: ...and control and repression.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the short ends]
Crow: You know, this makes me want to heat up a Libbyland frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV!
Servo [as Announcer]: Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby!
Mike: [waves goodbye] Bye-bye, everyone.
Crow: A Simmel-Mervay release.
Crow: You know, this makes me want to heat up a Libbyland frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV!
Servo [as Announcer]: Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby!
Mike: [waves goodbye] Bye-bye, everyone.
Crow: A Simmel-Mervay release.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the opening credits...]
Mike: Starring these people andChuck Norris.
. . .
[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]
Crow: What, me direct?
Mike: Starring these people andChuck Norris.
. . .
[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]
Crow: What, me direct?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pilot: Control tower, request landing instructions.
Tom Servo [as flight controller]: [irate] Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?!
Tom Servo [as flight controller]: [irate] Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Carla: [about her work at the blood bank] We set a record today.
Vince: You set a record with me a long time ago.
Mike [as Vince]: God, I'm smooth.
Vince: You set a record with me a long time ago.
Mike [as Vince]: God, I'm smooth.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]
Sylvester: Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. [...] Finished with your drink?
Carla: Yes, but I—
Vince: I'll take care of her.
Sylvester: Is that the way you want it?
Servo [as Carla]: [suggestively] Vince and I are gonna make our own tank parts.
Sylvester: Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. [...] Finished with your drink?
Carla: Yes, but I—
Vince: I'll take care of her.
Sylvester: Is that the way you want it?
Servo [as Carla]: [suggestively] Vince and I are gonna make our own tank parts.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]
Mike: Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo!
Mike: Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]
Narrator: You, the ice cream manufacturer.
Crow: Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
Narrator: You...
Mike: Me?
Narrator: ...the frozen food distributor.
Servo: Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.
Narrator: And you, the food retailer.
Crow [as announcer]: These three people will square off against—
Narrator: You, the ice cream manufacturer.
Crow: Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
Narrator: You...
Mike: Me?
Narrator: ...the frozen food distributor.
Servo: Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.
Narrator: And you, the food retailer.
Crow [as announcer]: These three people will square off against—
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Yes, today's problem is merchandising...
Mike: Over three kinds of vanilla!
Narrator: ...to sell in high volume, for high profit.
Crow: For high people.
[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]
Narrator: Frozen products are impulse items...
Servo: I'll take it, I'll take it!
Narrator: And impulse buying is primarily...
Mike: Women's fault.
[The stack suddenly drops]
Narrator: ...an emotional decision.
Crow: The market crashed!
Mike: Over three kinds of vanilla!
Narrator: ...to sell in high volume, for high profit.
Crow: For high people.
[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]
Narrator: Frozen products are impulse items...
Servo: I'll take it, I'll take it!
Narrator: And impulse buying is primarily...
Mike: Women's fault.
[The stack suddenly drops]
Narrator: ...an emotional decision.
Crow: The market crashed!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]
Narrator: Manufacturers spend millions on package design.
Servo [as Narrator]: Yet, this is the result.
Narrator: Manufacturers spend millions on package design.
Servo [as Narrator]: Yet, this is the result.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]
Narrator: Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard.
[The lights go on]
Servo: Are we in heaven?
Crow: [as the lights finish] Rip-off!
Narrator: Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard.
[The lights go on]
Servo: Are we in heaven?
Crow: [as the lights finish] Rip-off!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard?
Servo: Bosoms!
Narrator: Sales appeal styling.
Crow: Or "S. A. S."
Servo: Bosoms!
Narrator: Sales appeal styling.
Crow: Or "S. A. S."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]
Narrator: One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling.
Servo: Just one glance, don't look back.
Narrator: One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling.
Servo: Just one glance, don't look back.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range.
Servo: GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME!
Narrator: They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity.
Crow: But don't put your tongue on it!
Servo: GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME!
Narrator: They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity.
Crow: But don't put your tongue on it!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]
Crow: Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee.
Narrator: Gentlemen! If you please!
Mike [as Narrator]: You filthy degenerates!
Crow: Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee.
Narrator: Gentlemen! If you please!
Mike [as Narrator]: You filthy degenerates!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000