Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]
Narrator: Yes, on every count...
Mike [as Narrator]: Guilty!
Narrator: Yes, on every count...
Mike [as Narrator]: Guilty!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]
Narrator: This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
Mike: ...makes no sense.
. . .
Crow: (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car.
. . .
Mike: (singing) And it comes out here...
. . .
Servo: WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?!
Narrator: This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
Mike: ...makes no sense.
. . .
Crow: (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car.
. . .
Mike: (singing) And it comes out here...
. . .
Servo: WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity...
Mike [as Narrator]: Bodies stack easy.
Mike [as Narrator]: Bodies stack easy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the "The End" card]
Servo [as Ed McMahon]: And remember to buy Ed McMahon's Budweiser ice cream.
All: Hi-yo!
Mike: Leni Riefenstahl's most powerful film.
Servo: Hi-yo!
Servo [as Ed McMahon]: And remember to buy Ed McMahon's Budweiser ice cream.
All: Hi-yo!
Mike: Leni Riefenstahl's most powerful film.
Servo: Hi-yo!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: [as a TV announcer] Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a man in a trench coat runs towards a malfuctioning car]
Mike: And Creepy Triple-A is there.
Mike: And Creepy Triple-A is there.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Close-up of crossbow being fired]
Servo: [singing]Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!
Servo: [singing]Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]
Servo: Is someone purring?
[Crow looks around for a bit.]
Servo: Is someone purring?
[Crow looks around for a bit.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass.]
Woman: I can't hear it clearly—
Servo: That's because it's A RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!
Woman: I can't hear it clearly—
Servo: That's because it's A RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance.]
Crow [as Krasker/Bill Cosby]: And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was split! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim...
Crow [as Krasker/Bill Cosby]: And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was split! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the end credits]
Crow: Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead!
Crow: Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening credits identify the heavy metal bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: Motorhead...]
Servo: Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of Cole Porter tunes!
[...Girlschool...]
Crow: Uh, that's Womanschool?
[...Thor...]
Servo: [lisping] Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth.
[...Deathmask...]
Mike: Oh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
[...and Fist.]
Servo: And I saw Fist when they opened for Badfinger!
Servo: Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of Cole Porter tunes!
[...Girlschool...]
Crow: Uh, that's Womanschool?
[...Thor...]
Servo: [lisping] Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth.
[...Deathmask...]
Mike: Oh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
[...and Fist.]
Servo: And I saw Fist when they opened for Badfinger!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Before the car hits Tony]
Servo: Don't worry, his area will protect him!
[Tony gets hit by car]
Servo: ...Or not.
Servo: Don't worry, his area will protect him!
[Tony gets hit by car]
Servo: ...Or not.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]
Mike [as one of the teens]: I think we hit a moose!
Crow [as one of the teens]: [hysterical]C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!
Mike [as one of the teens]: I think we hit a moose!
Crow [as one of the teens]: [hysterical]C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body]
Crow: There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road! Dead boy!
Crow: There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road! Dead boy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]
Bobby: Hey, what's the matter?
Mike [as Jim]: This Kansas song just makes me so sad!
Bobby: Hey, what's the matter?
Mike [as Jim]: This Kansas song just makes me so sad!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building]
Crow [as Tony]: Must... register... for... semester!
. . .
[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic clanging noises that sound like someone hitting a radiator with a baseball bat.]
Servo: Jeez, they got John Cage doin' the soundtrack here...
Crow [as Tony]: Must... register... for... semester!
. . .
[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic clanging noises that sound like someone hitting a radiator with a baseball bat.]
Servo: Jeez, they got John Cage doin' the soundtrack here...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]
Servo: The dead Zone is for loading and unloading only...
Servo: The dead Zone is for loading and unloading only...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[When Adam West first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar]
Servo [as Batman TV announcer]: What's this?
Servo [as Batman TV announcer]: What's this?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]
Crow: Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was Tim Burton.
Crow: Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was Tim Burton.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Det. Sorrell: [on the issue of Bobby's murder] The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it!
Capt. Churchman: Maybe James Earl has a great batting average.
Servo: But it's the R.B.Is that count, isn't it?
Capt. Churchman: Maybe James Earl has a great batting average.
Servo: But it's the R.B.Is that count, isn't it?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]
Crow: Y'know, ironically, they were only able to bust the zombie for tax evasion![chuckles]
Crow: Y'know, ironically, they were only able to bust the zombie for tax evasion![chuckles]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]
Servo: Hal Needham was brought in to direct this scene.
[The car drives off the screen.]
Servo: And that's it.
Servo: Hal Needham was brought in to direct this scene.
[The car drives off the screen.]
Servo: And that's it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Our hero Maciste (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]
Servo [as Maciste]: I leave you alone for one hour—!
Servo [as Maciste]: I leave you alone for one hour—!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Ariel: What is your name?
Maciste: Maciste, and yours?
Crow: [holding back laughter]Cheesesteak?
Maciste: Maciste, and yours?
Crow: [holding back laughter]Cheesesteak?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]
Crow: Hmm... the camera operator is indulging himself here...
Crow: Hmm... the camera operator is indulging himself here...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000