Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]
Crow: Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time!
Maciste: Land! Land!
Servo [as Maciste]: It would be really great if we found some land!
Mike [as Maciste]: It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry.
Crow: Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time!
Maciste: Land! Land!
Servo [as Maciste]: It would be really great if we found some land!
Mike [as Maciste]: It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]
Crow: [snickering] Luckily, this was before death had been invented.
Crow: [snickering] Luckily, this was before death had been invented.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]
Crow [as Maciste]: [wearily] Hey, look, my island blew up!
Crow [as Maciste]: [wearily] Hey, look, my island blew up!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]
Servo: Oh no! It's a horrible drop into...
[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]
Servo: Oh. Heh.
. . .
[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]
Servo [as soldier]: Hey, this is fun! Whoopee!
Mike: And thus, synchronized swimming was invented!
Servo: Oh no! It's a horrible drop into...
[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]
Servo: Oh. Heh.
. . .
[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]
Servo [as soldier]: Hey, this is fun! Whoopee!
Mike: And thus, synchronized swimming was invented!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A fight scene has broken out.]
Mike: Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?
Mike: Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a not very good dancing performance goes on and on.]
Mike: So... apparently, the director... has a girlfriend.
. . .
Crow: This is history's first awkward moment.
Mike: [dramatically] For the first time, people don't know where to look.
Mike: So... apparently, the director... has a girlfriend.
. . .
Crow: This is history's first awkward moment.
Mike: [dramatically] For the first time, people don't know where to look.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village—and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]
Mike: Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner!
Mike: Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]
Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles.
Servo [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir?
Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles.
Servo [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The carpet/alien is "devouring" a victim, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth]
Mike [as Alien]: Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in...
Crow [as Alien]: I can't believe I ate the whole thing!
Mike [as Alien]: Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in...
Crow [as Alien]: I can't believe I ate the whole thing!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]
Crow: When Tom Wolfe's wife does the laundry!
Crow: When Tom Wolfe's wife does the laundry!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]
Servo: Let the current take you away! SWIIIIM!
Servo: Let the current take you away! SWIIIIM!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.
Mike [as Narrator]: …to a sold-out crowd!
Narrator: Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
Servo [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again.
Mike [as Narrator]: …to a sold-out crowd!
Narrator: Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
Servo [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Martin desperately tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]
Mike: Hey, there's bullets in the other end of that thing!
Mike: Hey, there's bullets in the other end of that thing!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The title appears on screen.]
Crow: I thought I smelled something!
Crow: I thought I smelled something!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: Is Velveeta a member of the National Dairy Council?
Servo: Naw, Velveeta's a splinter group.
Servo: Naw, Velveeta's a splinter group.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Narrator]: Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an edgy man who should not be riled.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day…
Servo [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day.
Servo [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As grain pours out of a spout]
Crow [as George]: I just saw a finger!
Mike: Can we go home?
Crow [as George]: I just saw a finger!
Mike: Can we go home?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The kids are playing in the hay]
Servo [as city girl]: But I have to be careful with my new jeans 'cause I just got them at Pamida!
Servo [as city girl]: But I have to be careful with my new jeans 'cause I just got them at Pamida!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The girls wake up in their bunk bed and talk to each other.]
Crow [as girl]: Uncle Jim's out of control - we frag him today.
Crow [as girl]: Uncle Jim's out of control - we frag him today.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]
Servo: Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party—
Crow: I did it!
Gypsy, Servo, Mike: CROW!
Servo: Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party—
Crow: I did it!
Gypsy, Servo, Mike: CROW!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]
Mike [as the skull]: [muffled and sarcastically] Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!"
Mike [as the skull]: [muffled and sarcastically] Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended]
Mike [as Al Jolson]: [singing] Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles!
Mike [as Al Jolson]: [singing] Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]
Mike: Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", then this would be ironic.
Mike: Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", then this would be ironic.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.]
Crow: Hey, I didn't finish!
Crow: Hey, I didn't finish!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the very beginning of the short]
Narrator: This is the fairground, where the fair is held.
Servo: Any questions so far?
Narrator: This is the fairground, where the fair is held.
Servo: Any questions so far?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]
Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised.
Servo [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! [N]
Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised.
Servo [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Johnny goes first to see the fish.
Crow [as Johnny]: I like fish...
Narrator: Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home.
Mike: Well, see, they were in the creek, but they've been caught and that's why they're here.
Crow [as Johnny]: I like fish...
Narrator: Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home.
Mike: Well, see, they were in the creek, but they've been caught and that's why they're here.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000