Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds]
Crow [as Narrator]: Later, these moths turn up in the mouths of Bob's victims!
Crow [as Narrator]: Later, these moths turn up in the mouths of Bob's victims!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Showing a collection of pickle jars]
Servo: Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races!
[The short cuts to a new scene]
Narrator: What's this?
Crow: EVIL!
Servo: Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races!
[The short cuts to a new scene]
Narrator: What's this?
Crow: EVIL!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]
Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun.
Servo [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it!
Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun.
Servo [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.]
Narrator: First, she feels the cake...
Crow [as Narrator]: ...then she rubs it into her hair...
Narrator: First, she feels the cake...
Crow [as Narrator]: ...then she rubs it into her hair...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the Olsens go to have lunch...]
Mike [as Mr. Olsen]: Let's go eat something gray.
Mike [as Mr. Olsen]: Let's go eat something gray.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]
Servo [as Narrator]: Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! Waaait...
. . .
Narrator: Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings!
Crow: [confused] What, tinsel, little lights?
Servo: This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy.
. . .
Narrator: Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this.
Mike [as Narrator]: Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?
Servo [as Narrator]: Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! Waaait...
. . .
Narrator: Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings!
Crow: [confused] What, tinsel, little lights?
Servo: This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy.
. . .
Narrator: Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this.
Mike [as Narrator]: Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]
Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane.
Servo [as Bob]: Where's the corn go?
Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it?
Mike [as Narrator]: ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [N]
Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane.
Servo [as Bob]: Where's the corn go?
Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it?
Mike [as Narrator]: ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Harness races at the grandstand]
Crow [as horse]: Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
Servo [as horse]: Carrots? I love carrots!
. . .
Mike: A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
Crow: [quietly, as if off in distance]Aiieee...
Servo: Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
. . .
Narrator: They're into the curb.
Servo: And they're into jazz.
Crow [as boy]: Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya!
. . .
[One horse is way behind.]
Mike [as horse]: Uh, hey guys, wait up!
. . .
Narrator: The race is over.
Crow: And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage.
Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys]Elvira...
[Fade to the next scene]
Servo [as Bob]: Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large!
Crow [as horse]: Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
Servo [as horse]: Carrots? I love carrots!
. . .
Mike: A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
Crow: [quietly, as if off in distance]Aiieee...
Servo: Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
. . .
Narrator: They're into the curb.
Servo: And they're into jazz.
Crow [as boy]: Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya!
. . .
[One horse is way behind.]
Mike [as horse]: Uh, hey guys, wait up!
. . .
Narrator: The race is over.
Crow: And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage.
Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys]Elvira...
[Fade to the next scene]
Servo [as Bob]: Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]
Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
Crow [as Narrator]: The cows are furious!
Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
Crow [as Narrator]: The cows are furious!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the short ends]
Narrator: Too soon, the rides are over.
Crow [as Narrator]: The lawsuts begin.
Narrator: And too soon, all the fun comes to an end.
. . .
Crow [as one of the Olsons]: You spent your nickel, we're done.
Narrator: Too soon, the rides are over.
Crow [as Narrator]: The lawsuts begin.
Narrator: And too soon, all the fun comes to an end.
. . .
Crow [as one of the Olsons]: You spent your nickel, we're done.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]
Crow: Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to—
[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]
Mike, Servo, & Crow: AAAAAAAAH!
Crow: Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to—
[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]
Mike, Servo, & Crow: AAAAAAAAH!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: This is so almost Mitchell.
Crow: It's about fifty pounds short of Mitchell.
Crow: It's about fifty pounds short of Mitchell.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The short is a Centron production.]
Servo: Thank you, Centron!
Servo: Thank you, Centron!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]
Crow: [after several seconds of silence] Depressed yet?
Joe [voiceover]: You know, it's fun to have an idea.
Mike [as Joe]: There, wasn't that fun?
Crow: [after several seconds of silence] Depressed yet?
Joe [voiceover]: You know, it's fun to have an idea.
Mike [as Joe]: There, wasn't that fun?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]
Joe: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
Mike [as Joe]: [luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
Joe: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
Servo [as Joe]: [nervously] I put them in my underwear!
Joe: ...the bright glare of a welder...
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
Servo [as Joe]: Yes!
Joe: ...the sharp whine of the power tools…
Mike [as Joe]: ...the piercing scream of a freshman…
Joe: ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
Servo: The feeling of chaps with no pants!
Joe: ...A wrench...
Mike: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
Joe: ...A plane...
Crow [as Joe]: [haltingly] These tools are my friends!
Joe: ...or a chisel...
Servo: What about girls young man? Girls?
Mike: No, no, chisels!
Joe: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
Mike [as Joe]: [luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
Joe: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
Servo [as Joe]: [nervously] I put them in my underwear!
Joe: ...the bright glare of a welder...
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
Servo [as Joe]: Yes!
Joe: ...the sharp whine of the power tools…
Mike [as Joe]: ...the piercing scream of a freshman…
Joe: ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
Servo: The feeling of chaps with no pants!
Joe: ...A wrench...
Mike: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
Joe: ...A plane...
Crow [as Joe]: [haltingly] These tools are my friends!
Joe: ...or a chisel...
Servo: What about girls young man? Girls?
Mike: No, no, chisels!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joe: Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that.
Crow [as Joe]: Then they pants you and drag you around the track…
Crow [as Joe]: Then they pants you and drag you around the track…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]
Joe's buddy: Wow, you made this?
Mike [as Joe]: I'm making it for the Grand Wizard.
Joe's buddy: Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
Joe: It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.
Joe's buddy: Kinda slow, huh?
Joe: Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
Crow [as Joe]: Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.
Joe's buddy: Wow, you made this?
Mike [as Joe]: I'm making it for the Grand Wizard.
Joe's buddy: Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
Joe: It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.
Joe's buddy: Kinda slow, huh?
Joe: Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
Crow [as Joe]: Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joe's buddy: How'd ya like this shop class, Joe?
Joe: I like it swell. Why?
[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]
Servo [as Joe's buddy]: Could you staple my ears back?
Joe: I like it swell. Why?
[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]
Servo [as Joe's buddy]: Could you staple my ears back?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] carpenters.
Servo [as actor playing Mr. Barnes]: [woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] carpenters.
Servo [as actor playing Mr. Barnes]: [woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] foundry men.
Crow [as actor playing Mr. Barnes]: [singing] Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from.
Mr. Barnes: Tool operators.
Crow, Servo: [singing] Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . .
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] foundry men.
Crow [as actor playing Mr. Barnes]: [singing] Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from.
Mr. Barnes: Tool operators.
Crow, Servo: [singing] Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . .
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the short ends]
Crow: This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch the other film!
Crow: This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch the other film!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Suzy: Is Frankie here?
Beth: Frankie's not here.
Mike: Frankie goes to Hollywood.
Beth: Frankie's not here.
Mike: Frankie goes to Hollywood.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Beth: Would you like some coffee?
Joe Moss: Coffee?
Crow [as Joe]: What is this "coffee"?
Joe Moss: [stiltedly] I like coffee!
Beth: Well, good!
Mike: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
. . .
[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]
Servo [as Joe]: Where is it, your "coffee"?
Joe Moss: Coffee?
Crow [as Joe]: What is this "coffee"?
Joe Moss: [stiltedly] I like coffee!
Beth: Well, good!
Mike: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
. . .
[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]
Servo [as Joe]: Where is it, your "coffee"?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]
Crow: Terror at Sea-level.
Servo: [giggling] More terrifying than Airport '77!
Crow: Terror at Sea-level.
Servo: [giggling] More terrifying than Airport '77!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]
Harry: What happened?
Mike [as Beth]: I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked!
Harry: What happened?
Mike [as Beth]: I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Beth looks on as Harry [played by Tony Cardoza] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]
Mike [as Beth]: Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
Harry: Bob, you ready?
Bob: [off-camera] Sure, Harry!
[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]
Servo: Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—!
Mike: [sputters unintelligibly]
Crow: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film.
. . .
[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]
Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your head?
Mike: Generic Plane. Cheaper than other planes.
. . .
[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]
Crow: Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for you...
Mike [as Beth]: Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
Harry: Bob, you ready?
Bob: [off-camera] Sure, Harry!
[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]
Servo: Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—!
Mike: [sputters unintelligibly]
Crow: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film.
. . .
[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]
Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your head?
Mike: Generic Plane. Cheaper than other planes.
. . .
[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]
Crow: Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for you...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]
Mike: Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
. . .
Servo [as Suzy]: I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
Suzy: Will I see you tomorrow?
Mike [as Harry]: Uh, you have to ask the editor.
Harry: [monotone] No... not tomorrow.
Crow [as Harry]: I have a headache... tomorrow.
Mike: Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
. . .
Servo [as Suzy]: I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
Suzy: Will I see you tomorrow?
Mike [as Harry]: Uh, you have to ask the editor.
Harry: [monotone] No... not tomorrow.
Crow [as Harry]: I have a headache... tomorrow.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]
Servo: Ah, she's setting up for a séance.
Crow: They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man.
. . .
Mike [as Harry]: Dinner isn't white enough, honey.
Servo: Ah, she's setting up for a séance.
Crow: They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man.
. . .
Mike [as Harry]: Dinner isn't white enough, honey.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000