Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in Blaxploitation-esque outfits.]
Crow: I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office!
Crow: I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]
Crow: Hey, you're giving away the plot!
Crow: Hey, you're giving away the plot!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]
Farrell: Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad.
Servo [as Farrell]: He's our only customer.
Farrell: Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad.
Servo [as Farrell]: He's our only customer.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]
Crow [as Diner]: How's about someone shine my steak over here?!
. . .
Mike: You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it.
Crow [as Diner]: How's about someone shine my steak over here?!
. . .
Mike: You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
April: Women can make a difference.
Crow: Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid.
Crow: Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell (Jack Palance).]
Crow [as Farrell/Palance]: Oh, no! He saw City Slickers II.
Crow [as Farrell/Palance]: Oh, no! He saw City Slickers II.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]
Farrell: May I speak to you for a moment please?
Crow [as Farrell]: 'It's about my report card.
April: Yes? What can I do for you?
Servo [as Farrell]: What's this "Incomplete" crap?
Farrell: May I speak to you for a moment please?
Crow [as Farrell]: 'It's about my report card.
April: Yes? What can I do for you?
Servo [as Farrell]: What's this "Incomplete" crap?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90: 10.]
Mike: So, we have 70 days in each year?
Mike: So, we have 70 days in each year?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Reverend: Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there.
Crow: Oh, sure— HUH?
Crow: Oh, sure— HUH?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]
Crow [as Little Girl]: [guiltily] I didn't hate accidents enough...
Crow [as Little Girl]: [guiltily] I didn't hate accidents enough...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]
Mike [as Reflection]: [gravelly voice] Come over to this side!
Crow [as Reflection]: [eerily] Obey the toaster!
Mike [as Reflection]: [gravelly voice] Come over to this side!
Crow [as Reflection]: [eerily] Obey the toaster!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: [on Joe's fiance Helen] She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe".
Mike: So his name is Joe Joe?
Mike: So his name is Joe Joe?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]
Narrator: She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.
Crow: Speaking of accidents...
Narrator: She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.
Crow: Speaking of accidents...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: [noticing a theme] So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: [during funeral sequence] Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall...
Crow: [curtly] ...because he's DUMB!
Crow: [curtly] ...because he's DUMB!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]
Tom [as George]: Boring!
Crow [as George]: [as he shuts the curtains] There, my problem went away.
Tom [as George]: Boring!
Crow [as George]: [as he shuts the curtains] There, my problem went away.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: [on the frailty of time] A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years...
Mike: A disastarous one would be cool to watch!
Mike: A disastarous one would be cool to watch!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]
Crow [as director]: Hey, we're tryin' to film here!
Crow [as director]: Hey, we're tryin' to film here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: [singing along to the music]He's amazing and amusing,
he's delicious and nutritious,
two for breakfast, one for...
he's delicious and nutritious,
two for breakfast, one for...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Krenner: Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors.
Mike [as Dr. Ulof]: You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words.
Mike [as Dr. Ulof]: You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]
Servo: If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving.
. . .
Crow [as Dr. Ulof]: Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal.
. . .
[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]
Crow: Kind of an abstract sculpture of Jayne Mansfield.
. . .
[Ulof inserts a Dremel-like device between the two globes.]
Mike: I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty!
. . .
Mike: All this just to get a UHF station?
Servo: If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving.
. . .
Crow [as Dr. Ulof]: Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal.
. . .
[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]
Crow: Kind of an abstract sculpture of Jayne Mansfield.
. . .
[Ulof inserts a Dremel-like device between the two globes.]
Mike: I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty!
. . .
Mike: All this just to get a UHF station?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]
Crow: Oh, he's with the William Morris Agency.
Crow: Oh, he's with the William Morris Agency.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Krenner: Keep your eye on the guinea pig.
Servo: [singing] Keep your eyeeeee on the guinea pig!
Servo: [singing] Keep your eyeeeee on the guinea pig!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.]
Mike [as Faust]: I'll be right back right after this.
Mike [as Faust]: I'll be right back right after this.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the Cher jokes.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.]
Crow: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.
Crow: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the Narrator talks about cooling eggs and moisture.]
Mike [as Narrator]: So put your mouth under a chicken.
. . .
Crow [as Narrator]: Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them.
Mike [as Narrator]: So put your mouth under a chicken.
. . .
Crow [as Narrator]: Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo [as chicken]: Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]
Crow [as Owl]: ¡Qui! ¡Qui! [N]
. . .
[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]
Crow: Let the Cher jokes...begin.
Servo: Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...
Crow [as Owl]: ¡Qui! ¡Qui! [N]
. . .
[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]
Crow: Let the Cher jokes...begin.
Servo: Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000