Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]
Servo: Another successful José Eber makeover.
Crow [as Tandra]: I'm pretty, so I have value now.
Servo: Another successful José Eber makeover.
Crow [as Tandra]: I'm pretty, so I have value now.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Diana plays the "Moonlight" Sonata, four bats hover outside her window.]
Servo: Hey, the woodland creatures love her music!
Crow: I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.
Servo: The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!
Crow [as Bat]: I don't know how long I can keep this up!
Servo: Hey, the woodland creatures love her music!
Crow: I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.
Servo: The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!
Crow [as Bat]: I don't know how long I can keep this up!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]
Crow [as Woman]: We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! [N]
Servo: Ah, the entire Mexican middle class.
Crow [as Woman]: We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! [N]
Servo: Ah, the entire Mexican middle class.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]
Crow: [trying to stifle a laugh]PfftHAHA!!!
Samson: I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?
Servo [as Samson]: I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?
Crow: [trying to stifle a laugh]PfftHAHA!!!
Samson: I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?
Servo [as Samson]: I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.]
Servo: Ah, how many times Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie had sex!
Servo: Ah, how many times Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie had sex!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]
Crow: [singing]Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
Crow: [singing]Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The short starts with a vision of heaven.]
Crow [as Ricky Ricardo]: Lucy, I'm dead!
Crow [as Ricky Ricardo]: Lucy, I'm dead!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]
Servo: Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception!
Servo: Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over a wide shot of the living room]
Mike: They live in a doll house!
Crow: You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator.
Mike: They live in a doll house!
Crow: You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]
Mike [as Jeff]: What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.
Servo: One of 32 short films about... this guy.
Crow [as Jeff]: Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?
Mike [as Jeff]: Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!
[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]
Servo: Mickey Rourke came over to help.
Mary: No inspiration, darling?
Jeff: I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.
Crow [as Mary]: Why would you wanna write him?
Mike [as Jeff]: What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.
Servo: One of 32 short films about... this guy.
Crow [as Jeff]: Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?
Mike [as Jeff]: Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!
[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]
Servo: Mickey Rourke came over to help.
Mary: No inspiration, darling?
Jeff: I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.
Crow [as Mary]: Why would you wanna write him?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mary: [singing] I wish I had a castle in the sky...
Mike: [angrily] Yeah, well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one piles up first!
Mary: [singing] Away up high where bluebirds like to fly...
Servo [as Mary]: [singing] I wish I could have sex with Louis Nye...
Mary: [singing] A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more...
Crow [as Mary]: [singing] I wouldn't have to dress like Tipper Gore...
. . .
Mary: [singing] I wish my living room were all redone...
Mike [as Mary]: [singing] I think owning a newspaper would be fun...
Mike: [angrily] Yeah, well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one piles up first!
Mary: [singing] Away up high where bluebirds like to fly...
Servo [as Mary]: [singing] I wish I could have sex with Louis Nye...
Mary: [singing] A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more...
Crow [as Mary]: [singing] I wouldn't have to dress like Tipper Gore...
. . .
Mary: [singing] I wish my living room were all redone...
Mike [as Mary]: [singing] I think owning a newspaper would be fun...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mary: [singing]: I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day...
Crow: AIM HIGH, SISTER!
[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]
Servo [as Mary]: Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen!
Mary: [singing] I wish that refridgerator door would close and stay closed...
Mike [as the fridge]: Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refridgerator.
Crow [as announcer]: Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse!
Mary: [singing] I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit...
Crow: [in a Australian accent] Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000!
Crow: AIM HIGH, SISTER!
[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]
Servo [as Mary]: Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen!
Mary: [singing] I wish that refridgerator door would close and stay closed...
Mike [as the fridge]: Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refridgerator.
Crow [as announcer]: Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse!
Mary: [singing] I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit...
Crow: [in a Australian accent] Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]
Mike: Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell!
Mike: Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]
Mike: [unimpressed] Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea...
Mike: [unimpressed] Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]
Mike: That's about as sexy as a garage.
. . .
Crow: One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma.
. . .
Servo [as Mary]: Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these.
. . .
Servo: Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh?
Mike: That's about as sexy as a garage.
. . .
Crow: One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma.
. . .
Servo [as Mary]: Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these.
. . .
Servo: Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]
Crow [as Male Neighbor]: Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?
Servo [as Female Neighbor]: Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey?
Crow [as Male Neighbor]: Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?
Servo [as Female Neighbor]: Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]
Servo: [singing]Money...
Jeff: Wait a minute, do that again!
Mike [as Jeff]: Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.
Jeff: Yeah! Yeah! Why not?
Servo [as Jeff]: I'll call someone to write the song!
Servo: [singing]Money...
Jeff: Wait a minute, do that again!
Mike [as Jeff]: Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.
Jeff: Yeah! Yeah! Why not?
Servo [as Jeff]: I'll call someone to write the song!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]
Mike: [singing along] Everybody was... kung fu fighting, yeah!
Mike: [singing along] Everybody was... kung fu fighting, yeah!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.]
Crow: Welcome to Shakey's!
[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]
Mike: [gasps] Elton John was here!
Crow: Welcome to Shakey's!
[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]
Mike: [gasps] Elton John was here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: This would make a great companion movie with Eraserhead.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the short ends]
Mike [as announcer]: The following scene contains graphic sexual content.
Servo: Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway?
Mike [as announcer]: The following scene contains graphic sexual content.
Servo: Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]
Servo: This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated.
Crow [as JFK]: Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County.
Servo: It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck.
Servo: This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated.
Crow [as JFK]: Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County.
Servo: It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]
Dr. Wyman: No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal.
Mike [as Wyman]: Well, let's give him more time to die.
Dr. Wyman: No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal.
Mike [as Wyman]: Well, let's give him more time to die.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Wyman: I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long.
Mike [as Wyman]: And I love it!
Mike [as Wyman]: And I love it!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.]
Dave: Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute?
Tom Servo [as Donna]: Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!
Mike [as Dave]: I could have done that...
Dave: Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute?
Tom Servo [as Donna]: Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!
Mike [as Dave]: I could have done that...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dave hears something.]
Dave: Steve?
Mike: Not everyone is Steve!
Dave: Steve?
Mike: Not everyone is Steve!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.]
Crow [as Donna]: Um, have you guys seen my brush?
Donna: Steve.
Mike [as Julie]: Yes?
Tom Servo [as Dr. Wyman]: Yes?
Crow [as Steve]: Yes?
Crow [as Donna]: Um, have you guys seen my brush?
Donna: Steve.
Mike [as Julie]: Yes?
Tom Servo [as Dr. Wyman]: Yes?
Crow [as Steve]: Yes?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.]
Tom Servo: And the Steves are there!
Crow: Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me!
Tom Servo: And the Steves are there!
Crow: Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]
Servo: Oh god... I'm pregnant!
Servo: Oh god... I'm pregnant!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000