Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[The Narrator is talking about profitable egg production.]
Narrator: A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her.
Mike [as Narrator]: She will live.
Narrator: Keep that one.
Crow [as Narrator]: She's worth millions.
Narrator: But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table.
Servo: Or put a warning slip on her desk.
Narrator: A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her.
Mike [as Narrator]: She will live.
Narrator: Keep that one.
Crow [as Narrator]: She's worth millions.
Narrator: But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table.
Servo: Or put a warning slip on her desk.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs.
Mike [as Narrator]: Stop throwing them at my car!
Mike [as Narrator]: Stop throwing them at my car!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]
Crow [as worker]: There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order.
Crow [as worker]: There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After the narrator has explained the egg collecting process at great length]
Mike: Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each.
Mike: Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]
Mike: It's Goofus and Gallant.
. . .
Crow: This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call.
Mike: It's Goofus and Gallant.
. . .
Crow: This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced very thinly]
Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, thanks for the generous portion!
. . .
Crow: Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron.
Servo: These must be models' portions.
Mike [as server]: This one's for you, Miss Moss, and for you, Miss Turlington...
. . .
Crow: [in Ritzy accent] Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way!
Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, thanks for the generous portion!
. . .
Crow: Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron.
Servo: These must be models' portions.
Mike [as server]: This one's for you, Miss Moss, and for you, Miss Turlington...
. . .
Crow: [in Ritzy accent] Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market.
[The next scene fades in]
Mike [as Narrator]: We bring you now to market.
[The next scene fades in]
Mike [as Narrator]: We bring you now to market.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the auction, as the auctioneer rambles off bids]
Servo: Ah. He's drunk! Look at him.
. . .
Servo: [to Mike] Put your hand up. Buy a chicken.
Mike: [raises his hand] Don't want one.
Servo: Ah. He's drunk! Look at him.
. . .
Servo: [to Mike] Put your hand up. Buy a chicken.
Mike: [raises his hand] Don't want one.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Alright, come on, sing, sing! Row, row, row— you're not singing!
Narrator: Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant.
Crow: Dressing plant? Sounds like fun.
Servo: I want a new hat.
[Shot of a gas station]
Narrator: One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market.
Mike: Even to the Texaco station.
Narrator: Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant.
Crow: Dressing plant? Sounds like fun.
Servo: I want a new hat.
[Shot of a gas station]
Narrator: One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market.
Mike: Even to the Texaco station.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the short ends, a truck seems to move by itself.]
Crow: There's no driver! The chickens are taking over!
Crow: There's no driver! The chickens are taking over!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]
Servo [as Moffett]: Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing.
Servo [as Moffett]: Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]
Crow [as Cop]: [with exaggerated Irish accent] All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then...
Crow [as Cop]: [with exaggerated Irish accent] All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]
Mike [as Moffet]: They forgot my Fruit Brute cereal!
Mike [as Moffet]: They forgot my Fruit Brute cereal!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Helen: Hal? Hal? Hal?
Servo [as Helen]: Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
Servo [as Helen]: Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".]
Servo: Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists.
Servo: Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]
Crow: Hey fella, why the long face?
Mike: Now, come on...
Crow: [laughing] I'm sorry, I couldn't...
Mike: I begged you not to do that!
Crow: I know...
Servo: That hurts.
Crow: Hey fella, why the long face?
Mike: Now, come on...
Crow: [laughing] I'm sorry, I couldn't...
Mike: I begged you not to do that!
Crow: I know...
Servo: That hurts.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker...
Crow: In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify.
Crow: In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: [annoyed] Why didn't they just call this movie The Creeper?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, don't fear the creeper.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the title screen]
Servo: Oh, these guys are, like, warriors from Hell!
Servo: Oh, these guys are, like, warriors from Hell!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]
Mike: Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years.
Mike: Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]
Crow: Let's see how long THESE accents last!
Crow: Let's see how long THESE accents last!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is getting ready to attack.]
Servo [as Michael McDonald character]: We're taking it to the streets!
Servo [as Michael McDonald character]: We're taking it to the streets!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.]
Crow: Well, it looks like I'm boxing the clown again tonight!
Crow: Well, it looks like I'm boxing the clown again tonight!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Troxartis: [haltingly, overacting] This has. Nothingtodowith. Being RICH.
Servo [as Troxartis]: I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking WITH them.
Servo [as Troxartis]: I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking WITH them.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]
Khorsa: You sleep in the barn!
Servo [as Deathstalker]: This isn't the barn?
Khorsa: You sleep in the barn!
Servo [as Deathstalker]: This isn't the barn?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo [as Khorsa]: [addressing the Warriors from Hell] Excuse me, Mr. Moose?
Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]: We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.
Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]: We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]
Crow: [singing]We're the knights of the round table!
Crow: [singing]We're the knights of the round table!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]
Mike: Oh no, he made a saddle out of Grover!
Mike: Oh no, he made a saddle out of Grover!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]
Mike: This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents.
Mike: This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000