Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Deathstalker: ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women.
Mike: Spo-dee o-dee.
Mike: Spo-dee o-dee.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]
Mike [as attacker]: Remember, top rung not to be used as a step!
Crow [as attacker]: Who are we?!
Mike [as attacker]: Remember, top rung not to be used as a step!
Crow [as attacker]: Who are we?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]
Mike: What the— Uh? Th— Oh... [as Troxartis] You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you!
Mike: What the— Uh? Th— Oh... [as Troxartis] You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]
Marinda: I love you!
Servo: Quick! Jam a potato in the wound!
Crow [as Marinda]: You were my first... tuber.
Marinda: I love you!
Servo: Quick! Jam a potato in the wound!
Crow [as Marinda]: You were my first... tuber.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]
Servo [as Michael McDonald character]: She came from somewhere back in your long ago.
Mike [as Deathstalker]: Look, just shut up.
Servo [as Michael McDonald character]: She came from somewhere back in your long ago.
Mike [as Deathstalker]: Look, just shut up.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]
Crow: Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.
. . .
[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]
Servo [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode.
. . .
Mike [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. [N]
Crow: Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.
. . .
[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]
Servo [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode.
. . .
Mike [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]
Mike [as the man]: Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
Mike [as the man]: Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Deathstalker leaves the kingdom, and everyone is cheering.]
Mike [as a member of the crowd]: He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over!
Mike [as a member of the crowd]: He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]
Crow: Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship."
Mike: I was born on a pile of... Hey!
Crow: Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship."
Mike: I was born on a pile of... Hey!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]
Mike: [chuckling] "Round Guy With Surfboard" International.
Mike: [chuckling] "Round Guy With Surfboard" International.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over the movie's title screen]
Mike: The George Hamilton Story.
Mike: The George Hamilton Story.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]
Loring: How many weeks is she?
Ted Nelson: Fourteen.
Servo [as Loring]: A little young to be pregnant, isn't she?
. . .
[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]
Servo [as Loring]: So when do you think the people who work here are coming back?
Loring: How many weeks is she?
Ted Nelson: Fourteen.
Servo [as Loring]: A little young to be pregnant, isn't she?
. . .
[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]
Servo [as Loring]: So when do you think the people who work here are coming back?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]
General Perry: How's it looking?
Ted Nelson: Not too good.
Servo [as Nelson]: [whispering] There's a black guy in my office!
. . .
[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]
General Perry: About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then.
Mike: 1600 hours? So, like five months from now?
General Perry: How's it looking?
Ted Nelson: Not too good.
Servo [as Nelson]: [whispering] There's a black guy in my office!
. . .
[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]
General Perry: About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then.
Mike: 1600 hours? So, like five months from now?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]
Ted Nelson: AADGKA!
Servo: Ah, aadgka, of course.
Ted Nelson: AADGKA!
Servo: Ah, aadgka, of course.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]
Servo [as Ted]: [sulkily] General wants to go find the aadgjka melting man.
Ted Nelson: Steve escaped.
Judy Nelson: Oh God.
Mike [as Judy]: Aadgka?
Judy Nelson: What're you gonna do?
Crow [as Ted]: Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.[N]
Ted Nelson: Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
Judy Nelson: Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...
Servo [as Judy]: [annoyed with herself] Aadgka.
Judy Nelson: Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.
[She brings over his soup.]
Mike: Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.
[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]
Ted Nelson: [ignoring the question] So, we don't have any crackers?
Judy Nelson: Ted. Steve?
Crow: Raging Bull.
Ted Nelson: Steve?
Servo [as Ted]: Steve had crackers!
Ted Nelson: I've got to go out and find Steve.
Judy Nelson: Why you?
Ted Nelson: Because nobody else is supposed to know.
Crow [as Ted]: Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?!
Servo [as Ted]: [sulkily] General wants to go find the aadgjka melting man.
Ted Nelson: Steve escaped.
Judy Nelson: Oh God.
Mike [as Judy]: Aadgka?
Judy Nelson: What're you gonna do?
Crow [as Ted]: Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.[N]
Ted Nelson: Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
Judy Nelson: Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...
Servo [as Judy]: [annoyed with herself] Aadgka.
Judy Nelson: Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.
[She brings over his soup.]
Mike: Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.
[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]
Ted Nelson: [ignoring the question] So, we don't have any crackers?
Judy Nelson: Ted. Steve?
Crow: Raging Bull.
Ted Nelson: Steve?
Servo [as Ted]: Steve had crackers!
Ted Nelson: I've got to go out and find Steve.
Judy Nelson: Why you?
Ted Nelson: Because nobody else is supposed to know.
Crow [as Ted]: Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]
Mike: This man is a brilliant tactician.
Mike: This man is a brilliant tactician.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]
Servo: What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead!
Mike: Well now the movie has to mop up after itself.
Servo: What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead!
Mike: Well now the movie has to mop up after itself.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]
Crow: [almost cracking up] So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can?
Crow: [almost cracking up] So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]
Mike: So, they learned nothing.
Servo: Yep.
Crow: Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
Servo: I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snowboot jacket.
Mike: [reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr".
Crow: Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
Mike: Very good.
Crow: I kill me.
Servo: Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
Mike: I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.
Crow: We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.
Servo: I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
[Mike notices a credit for Jonathan Demme on the screen.]
Mike: Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?
Servo: Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
Crow: And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
Servo: What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
Mike: Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
Servo: Good lesson.
Crow: Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
Servo: Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nel
Mike: So, they learned nothing.
Servo: Yep.
Crow: Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
Servo: I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snowboot jacket.
Mike: [reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr".
Crow: Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
Mike: Very good.
Crow: I kill me.
Servo: Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
Mike: I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.
Crow: We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.
Servo: I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
[Mike notices a credit for Jonathan Demme on the screen.]
Mike: Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?
Servo: Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
Crow: And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
Servo: What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
Mike: Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
Servo: Good lesson.
Crow: Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
Servo: Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nel
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]
Mike: Hey, why is John Madden signing Samuel Goldwyn's signature?
Crow: Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution.
Mike: Hey, why is John Madden signing Samuel Goldwyn's signature?
Crow: Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the film starts, squads of Stormtrooper-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares]
Loudspeaker: You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
[A man is thrown out a window]
Mike [as Man]: I forgot my luggage...!
Loudspeaker: This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!
[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]
Crow [as Man]: Okay, you convinced me!
Loudspeaker: You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations!
[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]
Mike: [snickers]
Servo: Mmm-hmm.
Loudspeaker: Leave the Bronx!
Servo [as Loudspeaker]: Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx!
Loudspeaker: I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
Mike [as Loudspeaker]: You, too, Henry Silva.
Loudspeaker: The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!
Crow [as Loudspeaker]: Therefore, we suggest you—
All [as Loudspeaker]: Leave the Bronx!
Loudspeaker: ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...
Servo: So leave the Bronx.
Mike: Just leave the Bronx.
[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]
Servo [as loudspeaker on van]: Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!
. . .
Mike: Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx?
Loudspeaker: You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
[A man is thrown out a window]
Mike [as Man]: I forgot my luggage...!
Loudspeaker: This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!
[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]
Crow [as Man]: Okay, you convinced me!
Loudspeaker: You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations!
[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]
Mike: [snickers]
Servo: Mmm-hmm.
Loudspeaker: Leave the Bronx!
Servo [as Loudspeaker]: Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx!
Loudspeaker: I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
Mike [as Loudspeaker]: You, too, Henry Silva.
Loudspeaker: The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!
Crow [as Loudspeaker]: Therefore, we suggest you—
All [as Loudspeaker]: Leave the Bronx!
Loudspeaker: ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...
Servo: So leave the Bronx.
Mike: Just leave the Bronx.
[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]
Servo [as loudspeaker on van]: Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!
. . .
Mike: Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Loudspeaker: Isolate area P-6.
Crow: And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please.
Crow: And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.]
Crow [as Trooper]: [terrified] Gary saw a silverfish! Aaaahh!
Crow [as Trooper]: [terrified] Gary saw a silverfish! Aaaahh!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]
Servo [as Stormtrooper]: Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee.
Servo [as Stormtrooper]: Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]
Crow [as Disinfester]: I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted.
Servo: Pretty much.
Mike: We gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes.
[They come across a homeless man]
Mike [as Bum]: Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
[He looks up at the Disinfesters]
Crow [as Bum]: I thought it was a suggestion!
[The troopers close in on him]
Servo: When Habitat for Humanitycracks down!
Bum: Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
Disinfester: You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
Mike: Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped!
Crow [as Disinfester]: I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted.
Servo: Pretty much.
Mike: We gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes.
[They come across a homeless man]
Mike [as Bum]: Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
[He looks up at the Disinfesters]
Crow [as Bum]: I thought it was a suggestion!
[The troopers close in on him]
Servo: When Habitat for Humanitycracks down!
Bum: Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
Disinfester: You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
Mike: Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]
Servo: They're rehearsing a David Mamet play in there.
Servo: They're rehearsing a David Mamet play in there.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]
Crow: A fascist Italian? Come on!!
Crow: A fascist Italian? Come on!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Moon Grey: [being dragged from a press conference] ...and the GC Corporation sucks!
[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]
Mike [as Reporter]: Is that true? Do you suck?
[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]
Mike [as Reporter]: Is that true? Do you suck?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000