Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]
Crow: [chuckles] I think they blew their cover here!
Crow: [chuckles] I think they blew their cover here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]
Crow [as Trash]: D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left!
Crow [as Trash]: D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]
Servo: Ah. The ladder of Damocles.
Crow: Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder.
Servo: Ah. The ladder of Damocles.
Crow: Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
President Clark: So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash.
Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so. They're both... under... [points at random place in Bronx model] ...there! [points somewhere else] ...or maybe there!
Servo: ...right there!
Wrangler: But somewhere there!
[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]
President Clark: Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite?
Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so.
Crow: You guys didn't rehearse, did you?
Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so. They're both... under... [points at random place in Bronx model] ...there! [points somewhere else] ...or maybe there!
Servo: ...right there!
Wrangler: But somewhere there!
[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]
President Clark: Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite?
Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so.
Crow: You guys didn't rehearse, did you?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]
Mike [as Bodyguard]: Oh what did you step in!
Mike [as Bodyguard]: Oh what did you step in!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Disinfesters jump out of a van.]
Servo [as Disinfester]: Hi! Kill us!
[They get shot.]
Servo [as Disinfester]: Thank you!
Servo [as Disinfester]: Hi! Kill us!
[They get shot.]
Servo [as Disinfester]: Thank you!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Trash blows up a van]
Mike [as DJ]: Alright, we're here in the KROQ Supervan giving out a— [The van explodes. Crow screams.]
Servo [as Trash]: Hey, rats. That was my van!
Mike [as DJ]: Alright, we're here in the KROQ Supervan giving out a— [The van explodes. Crow screams.]
Servo [as Trash]: Hey, rats. That was my van!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the film ends, a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins.]
Mike: Cleanup in Borough Five!
Mike: Cleanup in Borough Five!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The credits display: "Laserblast".]
Crow: Terrible name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers.
Crow: Terrible name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]
Servo [as Elmer Fudd]: I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe.
. . .
[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]
Mike: Edward CDplayerhands.
Servo [as Elmer Fudd]: I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe.
. . .
[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]
Mike: Edward CDplayerhands.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]
Billy: Pow! Pa-pow!
Servo: After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
Mike: Once you're past the age of 11, you should not say "pow".
Crow: Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"!
[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]
Servo: He's performing Frampton Comes Alive!
Mike: ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
Billy: Pow! Pa-pow!
Servo: After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
Mike: Once you're past the age of 11, you should not say "pow".
Crow: Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"!
[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]
Servo: He's performing Frampton Comes Alive!
Mike: ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]
Mike [as Billy]: Yeah... I think you are gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars!
Mike [as Billy]: Yeah... I think you are gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]
Crow: Teens love their cake pool party!
Crow: Teens love their cake pool party!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]
Chuck: Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.
Girl: From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
Crow [as Chuck]: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
. . .
[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]
Mike [as Chuck]: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!
Chuck: Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.
Girl: From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
Crow [as Chuck]: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
. . .
[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]
Mike [as Chuck]: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]
Crow: This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat!
Crow: This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy ofLeonard Maltin's Movie Guide.]
Mike: OK, let's look in Maltin's book here, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.
Crow: Huh.
Servo: Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.
Mike: Oh wow.
Crow: [watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!
[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]
Mike: OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.
Crow: Uhh—
Servo: [disgusted]Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!
Crow: Being There, two stars.
Mike: Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.
Servo: Oh. Good.
Mike: Lemme see here...
Crow: [reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing overRoddy McDowall?
Servo: Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.
Crow: [still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
Servo: [leaning in] What else you got?
Mike: Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.
Crow: Hm?
Servo: Shame, isn't it.
Mike: Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.
Crow: [incredulous]What?!
Mike: I'm kidding.
Crow: Oh.
Servo: I hope so.
Mike: According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.
Mike: OK, let's look in Maltin's book here, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.
Crow: Huh.
Servo: Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.
Mike: Oh wow.
Crow: [watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!
[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]
Mike: OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.
Crow: Uhh—
Servo: [disgusted]Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!
Crow: Being There, two stars.
Mike: Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.
Servo: Oh. Good.
Mike: Lemme see here...
Crow: [reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing overRoddy McDowall?
Servo: Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.
Crow: [still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
Servo: [leaning in] What else you got?
Mike: Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.
Crow: Hm?
Servo: Shame, isn't it.
Mike: Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.
Crow: [incredulous]What?!
Mike: I'm kidding.
Crow: Oh.
Servo: I hope so.
Mike: According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love? No problems or mishaps today?
Mike: Nope, everything appears to be nominal.
Servo: Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So I guess you're not wondering what that rhythmic pounding might be?
Mike: [listens] Yeah, what is that?
Servo: Yeah, what is that? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I've got to tell you, this isn't normal. Something's causing this, Mike. Now, let's see... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....
Mike: Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?
Servo: Where's Crow? Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron heading to the basement with a pickaxe in his hands!
Mike: Nope, everything appears to be nominal.
Servo: Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So I guess you're not wondering what that rhythmic pounding might be?
Mike: [listens] Yeah, what is that?
Servo: Yeah, what is that? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I've got to tell you, this isn't normal. Something's causing this, Mike. Now, let's see... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....
Mike: Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?
Servo: Where's Crow? Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron heading to the basement with a pickaxe in his hands!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out]
Crow: Woah, I didn't expect this!
Servo: Attaining.... maximum RPM.... adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... stabilize! There, that ought to [gets sucked towards hole] AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
. . .
Crow: Well, this is confusing! Mike, could you hand me my calculations?
[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]
Crow: Thank you! Huh, would you look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined!
. . .
[Crow explains his unsuccessful attempt to burrow a way out of the Satellite of Love.]
Crow: Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid… and I went ahead anyway.
Crow: Woah, I didn't expect this!
Servo: Attaining.... maximum RPM.... adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... stabilize! There, that ought to [gets sucked towards hole] AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
. . .
Crow: Well, this is confusing! Mike, could you hand me my calculations?
[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]
Crow: Thank you! Huh, would you look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined!
. . .
[Crow explains his unsuccessful attempt to burrow a way out of the Satellite of Love.]
Crow: Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid… and I went ahead anyway.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Now, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment... did you... y'know, go?
Mike, Crow, Servo: [dejected] Yes...
Dr. Forrester: Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie for... y'know...
Mike, Crow, Servo: You won't...
Dr. Forrester: Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth!
Mike, Crow, Servo: [dejected] Yes...
Dr. Forrester: Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie for... y'know...
Mike, Crow, Servo: You won't...
Dr. Forrester: Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Universal International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth]
Crow: It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had!
Mike: Notice how big Japan is?
Crow: It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had!
Mike: Notice how big Japan is?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Universal International credit appears on screen]
Mike: Isn't the fact that it's Universal make it International?
Mike: Isn't the fact that it's Universal make it International?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
["This Island Earth" appears on the screen]
Servo: This Island Earth can be yours if The Price is Right!
Servo: This Island Earth can be yours if The Price is Right!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[during the opening credits]
Crow: Boy, the universe is really cruisin'!
Servo: Hey, there's Taurus the bull!
Mike: And over there's the Constellation Feces.
Crow: Oh, look. Orion is bankrupt.
Crow: Boy, the universe is really cruisin'!
Servo: Hey, there's Taurus the bull!
Mike: And over there's the Constellation Feces.
Crow: Oh, look. Orion is bankrupt.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: When in California, be sure to visit beautiful...
[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]
Servo: ...oh.
Mike: [as golf announcer] It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital.
Crow: Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park!
[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]
Servo: ...oh.
Mike: [as golf announcer] It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital.
Crow: Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]
Servo: Oh jeez, there's soccer teams laying all over the place!
Servo: Oh jeez, there's soccer teams laying all over the place!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
Servo: Early LSD tests in the Air Force.
Mike [as Meacham]: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
Servo: Early LSD tests in the Air Force.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joe running towards the Jeep]
Crow: Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY!
Crow: Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]
Mike: Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Dr. Meacham: Lowering the cylinder.
Servo [as Meacham]: Inserting the breakfast pastry.
Crow [as Narrator]: [darkly] The secret government Eggo project.
Servo [as Meacham]: Contact Dr. Jemima!
Mike [as Meacham]: God, I love the blueberry ones best.
[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]
Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction.
Servo [as Meacham]: Start warming the syrup!
Mike [as Meacham]: Yum!
[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]
Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow [as Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around.
. . .
[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]
Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!
[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]
Mike: Fries are up!
Mike: Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Dr. Meacham: Lowering the cylinder.
Servo [as Meacham]: Inserting the breakfast pastry.
Crow [as Narrator]: [darkly] The secret government Eggo project.
Servo [as Meacham]: Contact Dr. Jemima!
Mike [as Meacham]: God, I love the blueberry ones best.
[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]
Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction.
Servo [as Meacham]: Start warming the syrup!
Mike [as Meacham]: Yum!
[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]
Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow [as Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around.
. . .
[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]
Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!
[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]
Mike: Fries are up!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joe: Here's something my wife could use around the house.
Crow: A man?
Crow: A man?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000