Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Meacham: This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal.
Crow [as Joe]: No, sir. That's paper!
Crow [as Joe]: No, sir. That's paper!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Meacham and Joe have just upacked the parts to the Interocitor.]
Tom Servo: But before unpacking - D'OH!
Tom Servo: But before unpacking - D'OH!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Meacham: There are 2,486 parts.
[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]
Crow [as Joe]: Uh, 485, sir!
[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]
[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]
Crow [as Joe]: Uh, 485, sir!
[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joe: Where do we start?
Meacham: Right here. [points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]
Mike [as Meacham]: At Goofy Clown Face!
Meacham: Right here. [points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]
Mike [as Meacham]: At Goofy Clown Face!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joe: You know what my kids would say...
Mike: [interrupting] "You're not my real father!"
Joe: "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!"
Meacham: Plug it in, Joe.
Mike: Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe.
Mike: [interrupting] "You're not my real father!"
Joe: "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!"
Meacham: Plug it in, Joe.
Mike: Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Exeter: Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson.
Servo [as Exeter]: No, farther towards the killzone, please!
Crow [as Exeter]: Yeah, God I'm good!
[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor]
Servo [as Meacham]: Dear God, I left the iron plugged in!
[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up]
Crow [as Joe]: Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope!
[The Interocetor is now ablaze]
Servo: Quick, get the baking soda!
Mike: Boy, the landlady's going to be mad!
Crow [as landlady]: [imitates knocking noise] Are you boys cooking up there?!
Mike: No!
Crow [as landlady]: Are you building an Interocetor?!
Mike: [casually] No!
Servo [as Exeter]: No, farther towards the killzone, please!
Crow [as Exeter]: Yeah, God I'm good!
[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor]
Servo [as Meacham]: Dear God, I left the iron plugged in!
[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up]
Crow [as Joe]: Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope!
[The Interocetor is now ablaze]
Servo: Quick, get the baking soda!
Mike: Boy, the landlady's going to be mad!
Crow [as landlady]: [imitates knocking noise] Are you boys cooking up there?!
Mike: No!
Crow [as landlady]: Are you building an Interocetor?!
Mike: [casually] No!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Meacham pushes a microphone-like Geiger counter probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?
Mike [as Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Brack enters the scene]
Mike: Hey, Charlie Rich!
Crow: He goes through a lot of Brylcreem.
[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]
Mike [as Adams]: Don't mention his head.
Mike: Hey, Charlie Rich!
Crow: He goes through a lot of Brylcreem.
[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]
Mike [as Adams]: Don't mention his head.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Exeter: Dr. Meacham! Welcome!
Servo [as Exeter]: We're glad you could join us at the Buddy Ebsen society!
Servo [as Exeter]: We're glad you could join us at the Buddy Ebsen society!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Carlson: Exeter, do you have a moment?
Mike [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap?
Mike [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Meacham: What I want to know is...
Exeter: [interrupting] Who we are.... why we're here.
Servo [as Exeter]: And why I have a picture of a burger on the wall.
Exeter: [interrupting] Who we are.... why we're here.
Servo [as Exeter]: And why I have a picture of a burger on the wall.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Adams: Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death.
Exeter: The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams.
Servo [as Exeter]: You fine, foxy lady!
Exeter: The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams.
Servo [as Exeter]: You fine, foxy lady!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.]
Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent—
Servo [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien!
Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world.
Exeter: Yes, indeed.
Mike [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien.
. . .
Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.
Servo [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!
Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent—
Servo [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien!
Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world.
Exeter: Yes, indeed.
Mike [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien.
. . .
Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.
Servo [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack]
Carlson: Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads?
Servo: [sarcastically] NO!!!
Carlson: Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads?
Servo: [sarcastically] NO!!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]
Crow: Ness and his men speed towards Capone's hideout!
Crow: Ness and his men speed towards Capone's hideout!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, A Flock of Seagulls.
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, A Flock of Seagulls.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]
Exeter: Place your hands above the rails.
[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]
Exeter: They're magnetized.
Mike [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
Exeter: Place your hands above the rails.
[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]
Exeter: They're magnetized.
Mike [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Exeter: That's enough. Normal view.
Mike, Servo, and Crow: [singing in time with the dramatic music] Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW!
Mike, Servo, and Crow: [singing in time with the dramatic music] Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Exeter: [to the mutant] Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK!
Servo: ACTING!
Crow [as Exeter]: Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go...
[The mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain]
Servo: ACTING!
Crow [as Exeter]: Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go...
[The mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Exeter: RUTH! MEACHAM!
Servo [as Exeter]: I LOVE YOU!
Meacham: [picks up boulder] Stand back, Exeter!
Exeter: Meacham, please! You have to believe me!
Mike [as Exeter]: You're holding a mutant turd!
Servo [as Exeter]: I LOVE YOU!
Meacham: [picks up boulder] Stand back, Exeter!
Exeter: Meacham, please! You have to believe me!
Mike [as Exeter]: You're holding a mutant turd!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Meacham starts beating on the mutant's exposed brain]
Crow [as the mutant]: OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD!
Crow [as the mutant]: OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Ruth]: Oh, Carl.
Servo [as Meacham]: Uh, Cal.
Crow [as Ruth]: ... oh, Cal.
Ruth: Home...
Meacham: Thank God it's still here.
Crow: And Friday!
Servo [as Meacham]: Uh, Cal.
Crow [as Ruth]: ... oh, Cal.
Ruth: Home...
Meacham: Thank God it's still here.
Crow: And Friday!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: [talking about the Puppet Wrangler credit for Mystery Science Theater 3000] "Puppet Wrangler"? There weren't any puppets in this movie!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The name "Rando Schmook" appears in the credits]
Mike: Hey, it's the Amazing Rando!
Servo: Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!
Crow [as Rando]: Now, we've never met before, have we?
Mike: Hey, it's the Amazing Rando!
Servo: Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!
Crow [as Rando]: Now, we've never met before, have we?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The name "Julie Walker" appears]
Crow: Julie Walker: Texas Ranger
Crow: Julie Walker: Texas Ranger
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Credit for Eastman Film]
Servo: Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando!
Servo: Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Credits end with "all rights reserved"]
Mike: All rights are reserved, Callahan!
Crow [as Clint Eastwood]: Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl?
Mike: All rights are reserved, Callahan!
Crow [as Clint Eastwood]: Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]
Mike [as George Taylor]: A planet where apes evolved from men?
Professor Bobo: Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes.
Mike [as George Taylor]: You did it! You finally did it!
Professor Bobo: [apathetic] "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes.
Mike [as George Taylor]: It's a madhouse! A...
Professor Bobo: ...madhouse. I know!
Mike [as George Taylor]: A planet where apes evolved from men?
Professor Bobo: Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes.
Mike [as George Taylor]: You did it! You finally did it!
Professor Bobo: [apathetic] "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes.
Mike [as George Taylor]: It's a madhouse! A...
Professor Bobo: ...madhouse. I know!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000