Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]
Crow: [singing]There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!
Crow: [singing]There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]
Crow: The whole movie was leading up to this shot.
Mike [as Announcer]: Brought to you by the Breast Council.
Servo [as Announcer]: Buy breasts where you work or bank!
Crow: The whole movie was leading up to this shot.
Mike [as Announcer]: Brought to you by the Breast Council.
Servo [as Announcer]: Buy breasts where you work or bank!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]
Crow: Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!
[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]
Crow: Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!
[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]
Mike: Satan, the Prince of Cabaret.
. . .
Mike: This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater!
Mike: Satan, the Prince of Cabaret.
. . .
Mike: This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]
Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one.
Servo [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Quintus: When I touch you…
Crow [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.
Quintus: …we will be one.
Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience' sake.
Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one.
Servo [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Quintus: When I touch you…
Crow [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.
Quintus: …we will be one.
Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience' sake.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]
Servo: Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike.
Mike: [cringing] Ohh. Damn you, Servo!
Servo: Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike.
Mike: [cringing] Ohh. Damn you, Servo!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]
Servo [as Knight]: Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving?
Servo [as Knight]: Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]
Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…
Crow [as Satan]: Route 666!
Satan: …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
Mike [as Satan]: …to sleeping audience.
. . .
Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
Servo: [singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!
Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…
Crow [as Satan]: Route 666!
Satan: …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
Mike [as Satan]: …to sleeping audience.
. . .
Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
Servo: [singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]
Mike [as Knight]: [in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue] Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!
Mike [as Knight]: [in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue] Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: I've never known more about what isn't going on in a movie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
{Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin]:
Scientist 1: Now there's an interesting sample!
Crow: Now there's an interesting line read!
Scientist 1: What is it?
Scientist 2: Don't know yet.
Servo: Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors.
Scientist 1: Now there's an interesting sample!
Crow: Now there's an interesting line read!
Scientist 1: What is it?
Scientist 2: Don't know yet.
Servo: Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Claire: I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown.
Dr. Hedges: I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind.
Servo [as Hedges]: I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! [N]
Dr. Hedges: I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind.
Servo [as Hedges]: I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.]
Mike [as Hedges]: Now what's going on?
Servo [as Hedges]: Who's that other guy?
Crow [as Hedges]: Where are we going?
Mike [as Hedges]: What is this fluid under my feet?
Servo [as Hedges]: What happened to the day-ball?
Crow: Let's chip in and buy this movie a life.
Mike [as Hedges]: Now what's going on?
Servo [as Hedges]: Who's that other guy?
Crow [as Hedges]: Where are we going?
Mike [as Hedges]: What is this fluid under my feet?
Servo [as Hedges]: What happened to the day-ball?
Crow: Let's chip in and buy this movie a life.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]
Mike: Hey! They whacked Toonces!
Crow: Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im.
Mike: Hey! They whacked Toonces!
Crow: Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Erling: Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region?
Crow [as Hedges]: Genocide?
Mike [as Hedges]: Slavery?
Servo [as Hedges]: Diseased blanket spreading?
Crow [as Hedges]: Genocide?
Mike [as Hedges]: Slavery?
Servo [as Hedges]: Diseased blanket spreading?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]
Hedges: Is there a good movie in town?
Mike: [snorts] Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about?
Crow: Heh heh heh!
[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]
Mike, Crow: Oh.
Hedges: Is there a good movie in town?
Mike: [snorts] Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about?
Crow: Heh heh heh!
[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]
Mike, Crow: Oh.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house]
Crow [as Victor/Joe Buck]: I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.
Mike: Please! That's a hideous thought.
Crow [as Victor/Joe Buck]: I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.
Mike: Please! That's a hideous thought.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in The Age of Innocence!
Crow: Or was it Sense and Sensibility?
Mike: I think it was Barfly.
Crow: Yeah, that's it.
Crow: Or was it Sense and Sensibility?
Mike: I think it was Barfly.
Crow: Yeah, that's it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]
Barker Johnny: I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us.
Servo: So she's a carnival preceder.
Barker Johnny: I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us.
Servo: So she's a carnival preceder.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]
Erickson: Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee.
Andrea: I'd like that.
Servo [as Erickson]: Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee?
Erickson: Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee.
Andrea: I'd like that.
Servo [as Erickson]: Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]
Crow: The KGB has her under surveillance!
Crow: The KGB has her under surveillance!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]
Servo: Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in Narnia!
Servo: Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in Narnia!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]
Crow [as Erickson/Fuller]: My first question: will I get the part in This Island Earth?
Erickson: What year is it, Andrea?
Mike [as Elizabeth]: [singing]The year of the cat.
Andrea/Elizabeth: 1618, the Year of Our Lord.
Servo [as Elizabeth/Eliza Doolittle]: In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire.
Erickson: Who is the reigning monarch?
Andrea/Elizabeth: JamesStuart.
Mike [as George Bailey]: Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too!
Crow [as Erickson/Fuller]: My first question: will I get the part in This Island Earth?
Erickson: What year is it, Andrea?
Mike [as Elizabeth]: [singing]The year of the cat.
Andrea/Elizabeth: 1618, the Year of Our Lord.
Servo [as Elizabeth/Eliza Doolittle]: In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire.
Erickson: Who is the reigning monarch?
Andrea/Elizabeth: JamesStuart.
Mike [as George Bailey]: Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]
Lombardi: There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor?
Erickson: No.
Lombardi: He did what I told him without a single word.
Mike: That's because he's a dog!
Lombardi: There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor?
Erickson: No.
Lombardi: He did what I told him without a single word.
Mike: That's because he's a dog!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]
Servo: [gasps] Donald Duck has the Ring of Power!
...
Crow: Frodo goes snorkling!
Servo: [gasps] Donald Duck has the Ring of Power!
...
Crow: Frodo goes snorkling!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling]
Mike: See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card."
Mike: See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]
Mike: [singing to the Bonanza theme] We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon...
Mike: [singing to the Bonanza theme] We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]
Mike: And the 35-year-old high school students look on.
Mike: And the 35-year-old high school students look on.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000