Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]
Jerry: The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... depressed.
Mike: Goofus and Gallant, the movie.
Jerry: The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... depressed.
Mike: Goofus and Gallant, the movie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Jerry: How's college?
Madison: Fine. You should try it some time.
Jerry: No thanks. The world's my college.
Crow: He's taking it pass-fail.
Madison: Fine. You should try it some time.
Jerry: No thanks. The world's my college.
Crow: He's taking it pass-fail.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "Silent Night"-like tune.]
Mike: Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Servo: Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.
Mike: Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Servo: Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The singer and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]
Mike [as Singer]: First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your…
Mike, Crow [as Chorus]: Schick out of shape!
Servo: Now, everybody—shave!
Mike [as Singer]: First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your…
Mike, Crow [as Chorus]: Schick out of shape!
Servo: Now, everybody—shave!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]
Servo: [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own gravy.
Servo: [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own gravy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]
Jerry: Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me.
Harold: Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?
Jerry: [shocked]Job?
Servo [as Jerry]: I'm a respected neurosurgeon!
Jerry: Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me.
Harold: Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?
Jerry: [shocked]Job?
Servo [as Jerry]: I'm a respected neurosurgeon!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]
Mike: So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!
Mike: So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]
Nastenka: Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!
Servo [as Sun]: And you are…?
Nastenka: Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid.
Mike [as Sun]: [beeps] This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…
[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]
Servo: Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's fine; you knit your sock.
. . .
Mike [as Mafia don]: Some day you'll return the favor...
Nastenka: Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!
Servo [as Sun]: And you are…?
Nastenka: Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid.
Mike [as Sun]: [beeps] This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…
[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]
Servo: Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's fine; you knit your sock.
. . .
Mike [as Mafia don]: Some day you'll return the favor...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]
Crow: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast Chicken.
Servo: Man, Peter must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning.
Crow: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast Chicken.
Servo: Man, Peter must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]
Mike: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
. . .
Crow: If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!
Mike: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
. . .
Crow: If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a Matryoshka doll.]
Stepmother: Nope! Not a princess.
Servo: She's got that healthy clown glow.
Marfushka: Oh, no?
Stepmother: You are a queen!
Mike: In that you look like Freddie Mercury.
Stepmother: Nope! Not a princess.
Servo: She's got that healthy clown glow.
Marfushka: Oh, no?
Stepmother: You are a queen!
Mike: In that you look like Freddie Mercury.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Hunchback Fairy has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]
Ivan: Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry!
Fairy: Are you afraid?
Ivan: Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel!
Mike [as Ivan]: ...the flat part, anyway.
Ivan: Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry!
Fairy: Are you afraid?
Ivan: Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel!
Mike [as Ivan]: ...the flat part, anyway.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]
Frost's Voice: Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again.
Crow: Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely!
Frost's Voice: Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again.
Crow: Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]
Random Unknown Voice: Look who's here!
Servo: Thank you, Anonymous Voice!
. . .
[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]
Crow: It's a three-pig open sleigh!
Servo: On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe!
Random Unknown Voice: Look who's here!
Servo: Thank you, Anonymous Voice!
. . .
[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]
Crow: It's a three-pig open sleigh!
Servo: On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]
Servo: It's…
Mike: It's…
Crow: It's… a convention of Michael Palin imitators!
. . .
Crow: It's the Seven Dwarves! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc.
Servo: It's…
Mike: It's…
Crow: It's… a convention of Michael Palin imitators!
. . .
Crow: It's the Seven Dwarves! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]
Hunchback Fairy: My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!
Servo: Well, maybe you should have diversified more!
Hunchback Fairy: My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!
Servo: Well, maybe you should have diversified more!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the middle of a war, Observer ("Brain Guy") explains his nurse's uniform.]
Observer: My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite.
Observer: My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]
Servo: [Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]
Mike: Universal, except for you, Ron.
Crow: You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.
Servo: Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.
Servo: [Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]
Mike: Universal, except for you, Ron.
Crow: You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.
Servo: Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the title appears]
Mike: Hey, the Matthew Broderick story.
Crow: And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas.
Mike: Hey, the Matthew Broderick story.
Crow: And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the opening credits]
Mike: Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?
. . .
Crow: Starring rejects from Harry-O.
. . .
Servo: If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.
Mike: Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!
. . .
Servo: Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.
. . .
Servo: Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?
Mike: Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?
. . .
Crow: Starring rejects from Harry-O.
. . .
Servo: If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.
Mike: Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!
. . .
Servo: Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.
. . .
Servo: Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]
Mike: The world's most difficult math test.
Mike: The world's most difficult math test.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A character is spending the scene fiddling with his glasses]
Crow: Just between the three of us, my glasses are FILTHY!
Crow: Just between the three of us, my glasses are FILTHY!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]
Servo [as Mechanic]: [evilly] They don't call me "Karl" for nothing.
Servo [as Mechanic]: [evilly] They don't call me "Karl" for nothing.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.]
Mother: The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base.
Crow: ...the dining room?
Mother: The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base.
Crow: ...the dining room?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]
Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
Crow: Crank whore?
Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
Servo [as TV Advert. announcer]: Veterans cannot be turned down!
. . .
Crow [as Mickey]: That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it very much!
Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
Crow: Crank whore?
Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
Servo [as TV Advert. announcer]: Veterans cannot be turned down!
. . .
Crow [as Mickey]: That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it very much!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]
Crow [as Headline]: Krankor: Nothing to Worry About.
Mike [as Headline]: Truman Capote Sent to Fight Krankor.
Crow [as Headline]: Krankor: Nothing to Worry About.
Mike [as Headline]: Truman Capote Sent to Fight Krankor.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000