Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]
Sam: Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
Sam: Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]
Mike: Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.
Crow: Hirsute Astronauts Revile Massachusetts
Servo: Heuristic Analog Rental Meat.
. . .
[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]
Mike [as Adam]: Solid balsawood, baby!
. . .
[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]
Adam: This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range.
Mike: The judo range?
. . .
Servo [as Adam]: Meet me at the karaterink later.
. . .
[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]
Adam: Judo range!
Crow [as Adam]: Then go practice your skeetkendo and bring your aikidorifle, too.
Mike [as Student]: Gotta get into my judo bikini.
Mike: Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.
Crow: Hirsute Astronauts Revile Massachusetts
Servo: Heuristic Analog Rental Meat.
. . .
[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]
Mike [as Adam]: Solid balsawood, baby!
. . .
[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]
Adam: This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range.
Mike: The judo range?
. . .
Servo [as Adam]: Meet me at the karaterink later.
. . .
[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]
Adam: Judo range!
Crow [as Adam]: Then go practice your skeetkendo and bring your aikidorifle, too.
Mike [as Student]: Gotta get into my judo bikini.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]
Ava : Are you coming, or do I swim alone?
Crow [as Adam]: Yes, and yes.
Ava : Are you coming, or do I swim alone?
Crow [as Adam]: Yes, and yes.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]
Crow: This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % [bleep]ing not guilty. And if you [bleep]s don't [bleep] find him innocent, then you can just [bleep]ing kiss my fat [bleep]ing [bleep]. And that [bleep]ing goes for your bull[bleep] court system, too! Mike, I'm so [bleep]ing sorry I couldn't [bleep]ing be there for this [bleep]ing [bleep]y really bogus trial, man. But let me [bleep] tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd [bleep]ing kick everyone's fat stupid [bleep]ing behinds and then cram it up their [bleep]ing [bleep]. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this [bleep] helps. Take care, Mike.
Crow: This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % [bleep]ing not guilty. And if you [bleep]s don't [bleep] find him innocent, then you can just [bleep]ing kiss my fat [bleep]ing [bleep]. And that [bleep]ing goes for your bull[bleep] court system, too! Mike, I'm so [bleep]ing sorry I couldn't [bleep]ing be there for this [bleep]ing [bleep]y really bogus trial, man. But let me [bleep] tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd [bleep]ing kick everyone's fat stupid [bleep]ing behinds and then cram it up their [bleep]ing [bleep]. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this [bleep] helps. Take care, Mike.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]
Mike: Here's the wind up....
[Adam smiles smugly to himself]
Mike: ...and there's the smarm!
Mike: Here's the wind up....
[Adam smiles smugly to himself]
Mike: ...and there's the smarm!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]
Mike [as Adam]: Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger!
Tom: Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you!
Mike [as Adam]: Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger!
Tom: Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.]
Mike: I'm in space already! Damn!
Mike: I'm in space already! Damn!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Camera focuses on the alien ships 'periscope'.]
Crow [as periscope]: I am the lemon zester of destruction!
Crow [as periscope]: I am the lemon zester of destruction!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[We hear a barking dog running past]
Tom [As dog, with Japanese accent]: Rufforu! Bow-a-wow!
[A police car drives past in the same direction]
Mike: After that dog!
Tom [As dog, with Japanese accent]: Rufforu! Bow-a-wow!
[A police car drives past in the same direction]
Mike: After that dog!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]
Servo [as Prince of Space]: Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway.
. . .
[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]
Crow [as Prince of Space]: I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well!
Servo [as Prince of Space]: Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway.
. . .
[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]
Crow [as Prince of Space]: I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]
Mike: An exchange of deadly negative scratches!
Mike: An exchange of deadly negative scratches!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]
Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren!
Mike: "Kill some diffren"?
Servo: "Diffren"?
Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!
Crow: You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld?
Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren!
Mike: "Kill some diffren"?
Servo: "Diffren"?
Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!
Crow: You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]
CO: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.
Mike [as CO]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese.
CO: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.
Mike [as CO]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.]
Mike [as Prince of Space]: Swing me over there, trusty string!
Mike [as Prince of Space]: Swing me over there, trusty string!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]
Crow [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun!
Mike: The upper half of a Hopper painting.
Servo [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken!
Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!
Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!
Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh!
Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?!
Crow [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun!
Mike: The upper half of a Hopper painting.
Servo [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken!
Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!
Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!
Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh!
Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]
Phantom: What a fool!
Servo [as Phantom]: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?
Phantom: What a fool!
Servo [as Phantom]: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: [on the Prince of Space] His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Wally: Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen!
Mike [as Wally]: Get out of my wine!
Mike [as Wally]: Get out of my wine!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the opening the opening card appears]
Servo: [Laughs] Horror!
Crow: Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip!
Servo: [Laughs] Horror!
Crow: Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During a driving scene]
Mike: Nude driving: a new fad among the teens.
Mike: Nude driving: a new fad among the teens.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]
Crow: Men should not have bikini areas!
Crow: Men should not have bikini areas!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]
Mike: I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed.
Mike: I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]
Crow: MY SKULL!
Crow: MY SKULL!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]
Crow: Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
Servo: So, radiation has a sense of humor!
Crow: Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
Servo: So, radiation has a sense of humor!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]
Servo [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]: [singing to "Chances Are"]Chances are
That I'll kick your scrawny ass...
. . .
[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]
Mike [as Gang Leader]: You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers.
Servo [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]: [singing to "Chances Are"]Chances are
That I'll kick your scrawny ass...
. . .
[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]
Mike [as Gang Leader]: You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000