Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[The monsters attack an all-girl slumber party]
Mike: [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid.
Servo: Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty-raid.
Mike: [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid.
Servo: Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty-raid.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look Polish"]
Mike: Wait— "Look Polish?"
Servo: Huh?
Mike: It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—see? It says "Look Polish"!
Servo: "Look Polish"!
Crow: Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!"
Mike: Wait— "Look Polish?"
Servo: Huh?
Mike: It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—see? It says "Look Polish"!
Servo: "Look Polish"!
Crow: Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]
Elaine: [whispering] I hear something.
Servo [as Elaine]: [whispering] He's coming! Look Polish, everyone!
Elaine: [whispering] I hear something.
Servo [as Elaine]: [whispering] He's coming! Look Polish, everyone!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]
Crow: Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
Servo: Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free.
[Later in the same shot]
Crow: Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co....
Crow: Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
Servo: Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free.
[Later in the same shot]
Crow: Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co....
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a rotary phone]
Servo: So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years?
Servo: So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]
The Great Vorelli: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger...
Servo [as the Great Vorelli]: Then I'll be right back.
The Great Vorelli: That he may die at any moment.
[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]
Crow [as the Great Vorelli]: Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU!
The Great Vorelli: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger...
Servo [as the Great Vorelli]: Then I'll be right back.
The Great Vorelli: That he may die at any moment.
[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]
Crow [as the Great Vorelli]: Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine]
Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
Mike [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!
Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
Mike [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]
Mercedes: He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and...looked at the ceiling. Then...he died. He died.
Mike [as Mark]: Did he live?
Mercedes: He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and...looked at the ceiling. Then...he died. He died.
Mike [as Mark]: Did he live?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage]
The Great Vorelli: Hugo...
Mike [as the Great Vorelli]: Have you been shaving your legs with this again?
The Great Vorelli: Hugo...
Mike [as the Great Vorelli]: Have you been shaving your legs with this again?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy]
Mike [as Hugo]: Please cover my cage...
Mike [as Hugo]: Please cover my cage...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mark English (played by William Sylvester) is sleeping]
Servo: You know, Kubrick saw this scene and said "We found our Heywood Floyd!"
Servo: You know, Kubrick saw this scene and said "We found our Heywood Floyd!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]
Hugo: Attica! Attica!
Hugo: Attica! Attica!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]
Tibana: So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex.
Mike: The "Roji-Panty Complex"?
Tibana: So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex.
Mike: The "Roji-Panty Complex"?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo & Crow: [as the Neptune Men] HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Neptune Men approach Earth]
Mike: Shoot at Earth all you want, just get Bill Maher.
Mike: Shoot at Earth all you want, just get Bill Maher.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]
Servo [as the Japanese]: Oh, let's call our friends the Koreans! Oh, oh no—the Russians! Well, no. The Chinese! Oh, well, I guess not.
Servo [as the Japanese]: Oh, let's call our friends the Koreans! Oh, oh no—the Russians! Well, no. The Chinese! Oh, well, I guess not.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]
Mike: I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly-nuanced movie.
Mike: I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly-nuanced movie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of Hitler being blown up]
Crow: [royally confused] What the...?
Servo: They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?
Crow: All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!
Mike: The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...
Crow: They blew it up!
. . .
Crow: Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where you grew up?
Mike: Not, uh...no. No.
Crow: Sure?
Mike: ...Yeah.
. . .
[Another spaceship begins to dive]
Crow: What next? The Mussolini Mall?
Servo: Yeah! Followed by the Pinochet Petting Zoo!
Crow: [royally confused] What the...?
Servo: They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?
Crow: All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!
Mike: The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...
Crow: They blew it up!
. . .
Crow: Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where you grew up?
Mike: Not, uh...no. No.
Crow: Sure?
Mike: ...Yeah.
. . .
[Another spaceship begins to dive]
Crow: What next? The Mussolini Mall?
Servo: Yeah! Followed by the Pinochet Petting Zoo!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]
Crow: So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that would get us through this?
Servo: Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... [thundering]EAT IT, MOVIE!
Crow: Whoa! Whoa!
Servo: [still ranting]TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR—[begins sobbing]
Crow: So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that would get us through this?
Servo: Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... [thundering]EAT IT, MOVIE!
Crow: Whoa! Whoa!
Servo: [still ranting]TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR—[begins sobbing]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The main hero prances around in a fight with the enemy]
Crow: They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor.
. . .
[During the "fight", a senior Neptune Man stares out of the rocket's window as his comrades ineffectually stagger about]
Crow [as Neptune Man]: ...What the hell are they doing out there?!
Crow: They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor.
. . .
[During the "fight", a senior Neptune Man stares out of the rocket's window as his comrades ineffectually stagger about]
Crow [as Neptune Man]: ...What the hell are they doing out there?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of a radar screen, as the scientists count down]
Scientist: Ten, nine, eight...
Crow: Yeah, yeah, right—one.
Scientist: Seven, six...
Crow: One!
Scientist: Five, four...
Crow: ONE!!!
Scientist: Ten, nine, eight...
Crow: Yeah, yeah, right—one.
Scientist: Seven, six...
Crow: One!
Scientist: Five, four...
Crow: ONE!!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]
Servo: Space Chief's off having a couple Sapporos with Jet Jaguar and Prince of Space.
Servo: Space Chief's off having a couple Sapporos with Jet Jaguar and Prince of Space.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]
Crow: It lists Hitler as a "fairly stable veteran of the Great War."
Mike: Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.
Servo: Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."
Crow: Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?
Mike: Well, I used them when I was a kid. [Blows dust off a volume] They seemed fine then.
Crow: The periodic table has three elements in it, Mike!
Servo: There's a volume for the letter epsilon.
Crow: There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.
Servo: It's got a picture of Stonehenge!
Mike: So?
Servo: Under construction?!
Mike: So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.
Servo: Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.
Crow: It lists Hitler as a "fairly stable veteran of the Great War."
Mike: Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.
Servo: Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."
Crow: Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?
Mike: Well, I used them when I was a kid. [Blows dust off a volume] They seemed fine then.
Crow: The periodic table has three elements in it, Mike!
Servo: There's a volume for the letter epsilon.
Crow: There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.
Servo: It's got a picture of Stonehenge!
Mike: So?
Servo: Under construction?!
Mike: So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.
Servo: Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]
Mike: Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it!
Mike: Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "Battlestar Galactica"]
Mike: Special effects by Industrial Light and Morons.
Mike: Special effects by Industrial Light and Morons.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft]
Crow [as Lea]: My Buns of Steel videos are in there!
Crow [as Lea]: My Buns of Steel videos are in there!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]
Servo [as Jansen]: But what of the little children and their toys?
Servo [as Jansen]: But what of the little children and their toys?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Capt. Devers: Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships.
Cmdr. Jansen: I agree.
Mike [as Jensen]: I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho.
Cmdr. Jansen: I agree.
Mike [as Jensen]: I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kalgan drives into shot]
Mike [as Kalgan]: Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend!
Mike [as Kalgan]: Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]
MacPhearson: Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.
Mike: I disagree!
MacPhearson: Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the Southern Sun.
Chief Engineer: Then let him do so alone.
Engineer Parsons: This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.
Crow [as Parsons]: I just have to wet myself first.
MacPhearson: Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?
Chief Engineer: We'll not allow that! No!
Servo: The easily led wise council.
[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]
Engineer Parsons: Let me go, traitors!
Mike [as Parsons]: What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww!
Crow: Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it!
Servo: Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them.
Crow: Death by snicker-snag!
[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick]
Servo: I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs!
Mike [as MacPhearson]: Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party."
MacPhearson: Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason?
Servo: I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir!
MacPhearson: Report to the enforcers' bridge.
Crow: Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done!
MacPhearson: Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.
Mike: I disagree!
MacPhearson: Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the Southern Sun.
Chief Engineer: Then let him do so alone.
Engineer Parsons: This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.
Crow [as Parsons]: I just have to wet myself first.
MacPhearson: Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?
Chief Engineer: We'll not allow that! No!
Servo: The easily led wise council.
[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]
Engineer Parsons: Let me go, traitors!
Mike [as Parsons]: What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww!
Crow: Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it!
Servo: Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them.
Crow: Death by snicker-snag!
[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick]
Servo: I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs!
Mike [as MacPhearson]: Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party."
MacPhearson: Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason?
Servo: I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir!
MacPhearson: Report to the enforcers' bridge.
Crow: Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000