Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]
Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea: Doctor!
Ryder: Doctor.
Crow: Doctor Lady!
Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea: Doctor!
Ryder: Doctor.
Crow: Doctor Lady!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]
Servo: Herve Villechaize's Death Car.
Mike: Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
Crow [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!
. . .
Crow [as Kalgan]: We need both horsepowers on this thing!
. . .
[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]
Mike [as Bodyguard]: I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!
Servo: Herve Villechaize's Death Car.
Mike: Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
Crow [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!
. . .
Crow [as Kalgan]: We need both horsepowers on this thing!
. . .
[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]
Mike [as Bodyguard]: I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film.
Servo: Yeah, I think—huh?
Servo: Yeah, I think—huh?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]
Servo: They're running out of Alt!
[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]
Eddie: And their Miffnots [MPH KNOTS] are goin' down!
Servo: They're running out of Alt!
[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]
Eddie: And their Miffnots [MPH KNOTS] are goin' down!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]
Crow [as Nick]: Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands!
Crow [as Nick]: Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Sting-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]
Servo [as Devers]: [singing]De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...
[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]
Mike: Hey, wait, she's dead!
Servo: Yeah, she's dead!
Mike: She died!
[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]
Capt. Devers: Commander Jansen?
Crow [as Devers]: I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.
. . .
[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]
Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
Capt. Devers: Helveca?
Mike [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font!
. . .
Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret.
Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.
. . .
[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]
Mike [as Devers]: 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan.
Servo [as Devers]: [singing]De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...
[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]
Mike: Hey, wait, she's dead!
Servo: Yeah, she's dead!
Mike: She died!
[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]
Capt. Devers: Commander Jansen?
Crow [as Devers]: I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.
. . .
[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]
Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
Capt. Devers: Helveca?
Mike [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font!
. . .
Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret.
Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.
. . .
[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]
Mike [as Devers]: 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]
Crow [as MacPhearson]: A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
Crow [as MacPhearson]: A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Captain Devers: [referring to another character] Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally.
Commander Jansen: Alright.
Crow: [as Jansen] Fetch me my warrior muumuu.
...
[Dave Ryder shakes hands with Lea's father, Cmdr. Jansen]
Mike: We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.
Commander Jansen: Alright.
Crow: [as Jansen] Fetch me my warrior muumuu.
...
[Dave Ryder shakes hands with Lea's father, Cmdr. Jansen]
Mike: We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan.]
Mike: There goes a big, brave brick of meat.
Mike: There goes a big, brave brick of meat.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]
Servo: Toro! Toro! These cars are made by Toro!
Servo: Toro! Toro! These cars are made by Toro!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur?
Servo: Oh?
Mike: Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked."
Servo: Oh?
Mike: Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]
Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, white thing?
Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, white thing?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]
Servo: Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!
Servo: Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Kalgan: I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's similar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that.
Servo [as Kalgan]: You're too stupid to know anything about dentistry.
Lea: You bastard!
Mike [as Lea]: How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!
Servo [as Kalgan]: You're too stupid to know anything about dentistry.
Lea: You bastard!
Mike [as Lea]: How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Throughout the film, Mike and the bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]
Crow: Slab Bulkhead!
Servo: Fridge Largemeat!
Mike: Punt Speedchunk!
Crow: Butch Deadlift!
Crow: Bold Bigflank!
Mike: Splint Chesthair!
Mike: Flint Ironstag!
Crow: Bolt Vanderhuge!
Mike: Thick McRunfast!
Mike: Blast Hardcheese!
Crow: Buff Drinklots!
Servo: Trunk Slamchest!
Crow: Fist Rockbone!
Mike: Stump Beefknob!
Servo: Smash Lampjaw!
Crow: Punch Rockgroin!
Mike: Buck Plankchest!
Crow: Stump Chunkmen!
Servo: Dirk Hardpec!
Mike: Rip Steakface!
Crow: Slate Slabrock!
Servo: Crud Bonemeal!
Crow: Rip Slagcheek!
Servo: Punch Sideiron!
Mike: Gristle McThornbody!
Crow: Slate Fistcrunch!
Mike: Buff Hardback!
Servo: Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...
Servo: Blast Thickneck!
Crow: Crunch Buttsteak!
Mike: Slab Squatthrust!
Servo: Lump Beefbroth!
Crow: Touch Rustrod!
Mike: Reef Blastbody!
Mike: Big McLargeHuge!
Mike: Smoke ManMuscle!
Servo: Eat Punchbeef!
Mike: Hack Blowfist!
Mike: Roll Fizzlebeef!
Crow: Slab Bulkhead!
Servo: Fridge Largemeat!
Mike: Punt Speedchunk!
Crow: Butch Deadlift!
Crow: Bold Bigflank!
Mike: Splint Chesthair!
Mike: Flint Ironstag!
Crow: Bolt Vanderhuge!
Mike: Thick McRunfast!
Mike: Blast Hardcheese!
Crow: Buff Drinklots!
Servo: Trunk Slamchest!
Crow: Fist Rockbone!
Mike: Stump Beefknob!
Servo: Smash Lampjaw!
Crow: Punch Rockgroin!
Mike: Buck Plankchest!
Crow: Stump Chunkmen!
Servo: Dirk Hardpec!
Mike: Rip Steakface!
Crow: Slate Slabrock!
Servo: Crud Bonemeal!
Crow: Rip Slagcheek!
Servo: Punch Sideiron!
Mike: Gristle McThornbody!
Crow: Slate Fistcrunch!
Mike: Buff Hardback!
Servo: Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...
Servo: Blast Thickneck!
Crow: Crunch Buttsteak!
Mike: Slab Squatthrust!
Servo: Lump Beefbroth!
Crow: Touch Rustrod!
Mike: Reef Blastbody!
Mike: Big McLargeHuge!
Mike: Smoke ManMuscle!
Servo: Eat Punchbeef!
Mike: Hack Blowfist!
Mike: Roll Fizzlebeef!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]
Crow: 27 Keebler elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree!
Mike: E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition.
. . .
Mike: Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh!
Crow: Oh, he's like poo, all right.
. . .
[as Nick climbs down the tree]
Crow: He's climbing an Ent!
Servo: [in a deep, Entish voice] Hoom hom, get off me, hm.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him]
Crow: He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying.
Crow: 27 Keebler elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree!
Mike: E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition.
. . .
Mike: Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh!
Crow: Oh, he's like poo, all right.
. . .
[as Nick climbs down the tree]
Crow: He's climbing an Ent!
Servo: [in a deep, Entish voice] Hoom hom, get off me, hm.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him]
Crow: He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]
Servo: Did the tree contribute money to the film? Why are they showing this?
Servo: Did the tree contribute money to the film? Why are they showing this?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]
Servo: So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel.
Mike: Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes.
[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]
Mike: Hey... even declared war on his surge protector...
Servo: So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel.
Mike: Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes.
[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]
Mike: Hey... even declared war on his surge protector...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]
Mike: Who's playing the chamber pot?!
[The writer credit appears]
Crow: Written? This movie was written? I don't think so.
Mike: Who's playing the chamber pot?!
[The writer credit appears]
Crow: Written? This movie was written? I don't think so.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Credits display: Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]
Servo: We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day.
Servo: We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]
Servo: Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?
Crow: Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
Servo: Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!
Mike: Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?
Crow: Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.
Mike: Uhhh...
[The music slows down to a power ballad style]
Crow: Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.
Servo: Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
Crow: Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.
Servo: And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried out Dodge Charger!
Crow: Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!
Servo: You're pathetic.
Crow: You and your '80s!
Servo: Your precious '80s!
Crow: You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!
Servo: Yeah!
Mike: All rig
Servo: Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?
Crow: Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
Servo: Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!
Mike: Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?
Crow: Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.
Mike: Uhhh...
[The music slows down to a power ballad style]
Crow: Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.
Servo: Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
Crow: Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.
Servo: And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried out Dodge Charger!
Crow: Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!
Servo: You're pathetic.
Crow: You and your '80s!
Servo: Your precious '80s!
Crow: You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!
Servo: Yeah!
Mike: All rig
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]
Servo [as dog]: [talking like Scooby-Doo] Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.
Crow: He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.
Mike: [groaning] Oh, Crow. So early, too.
[The logo fades out]
Servo: [still talking like Scooby-Doo] Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents—
Mike: Okay, stop.
Crow: Cut it out.
Servo [as dog]: [talking like Scooby-Doo] Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.
Crow: He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.
Mike: [groaning] Oh, Crow. So early, too.
[The logo fades out]
Servo: [still talking like Scooby-Doo] Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents—
Mike: Okay, stop.
Crow: Cut it out.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]
Crow: This is like NFL graphics here.
Mike: [imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]
Crow: This is like NFL graphics here.
Mike: [imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]
Nick: Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a genius!
Servo [as Nick]: A crop-dusting genius!
Nick: Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a genius!
Servo [as Nick]: A crop-dusting genius!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]
Crow: This... is not our star, is it? I will not accept this as our star, sorry.
Crow: This... is not our star, is it? I will not accept this as our star, sorry.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]
Mike [as announcer]: Come on down to parallel parking days.
Mike [as announcer]: Come on down to parallel parking days.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]
Mike: Come to Martin's. WHATUP?!?
Mike: Come to Martin's. WHATUP?!?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Nick boots up his computer]
Servo [as the old AOL voice]: You've got mail... pattern baldness!
Servo [as the old AOL voice]: You've got mail... pattern baldness!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the first scene in 2041]
Mike: [derisively] The, uh, future.
[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]
Crow: So, in the future, kids become gay agents?
. . .
Servo: So... 50 years from now will be 3 years from now...
. . .
[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]
Servo: Hey, look—a lesbian... of the future!
[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]
Mike: Food courts... of the future!
Mike: [derisively] The, uh, future.
[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]
Crow: So, in the future, kids become gay agents?
. . .
Servo: So... 50 years from now will be 3 years from now...
. . .
[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]
Servo: Hey, look—a lesbian... of the future!
[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]
Mike: Food courts... of the future!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Robertson arrives to meet Nick]
Mike [as Robertson]: Hi, I'm Bob Evil!
Robertson: Trust me.
Servo [as Robertson]: Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Mike [as Robertson]: Hi, I'm Bob Evil!
Robertson: Trust me.
Servo [as Robertson]: Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000