Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Pierre: Everybody goes to The Place.
Servo [as Co-worker]: You know, when they have to go...
Servo [as Co-worker]: You know, when they have to go...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the name of "The Place"]
Mike: Formerly "That Other Place".
Servo: Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and this was the name they thought up.
. . .
Servo: Formerly "The Locale".
. . .
Mike: Formerly "The Site".
. . .
Crow: It's changed ownership. Now it's a gentleman's club.
Mike: Formerly "That Other Place".
Servo: Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and this was the name they thought up.
. . .
Servo: Formerly "The Locale".
. . .
Mike: Formerly "The Site".
. . .
Crow: It's changed ownership. Now it's a gentleman's club.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]
Professor Bobo: Hey, I can sing, too! [singing off-key] And now you find yourself in '82— [Pearl kicks him in the groin.]
Professor Bobo: Hey, I can sing, too! [singing off-key] And now you find yourself in '82— [Pearl kicks him in the groin.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]
Mike [as the Fat Man]: All I can eat? The joke's on them!
Mike [as the Fat Man]: All I can eat? The joke's on them!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]
Fingal: I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored!
[Mike and the bots all look around]
Servo: OK, which one of us said that?
Crow: I felt it, I don't...
. . .
Fingal: Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer!
Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]: [dully] I'm okay with that.
. . .
[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]
Crow [as co-worker]: My coffee coupon!
...
Fingal: If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work.
Crow: I'll be a better zombie!
Fingal: I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored!
[Mike and the bots all look around]
Servo: OK, which one of us said that?
Crow: I felt it, I don't...
. . .
Fingal: Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer!
Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]: [dully] I'm okay with that.
. . .
[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]
Crow [as co-worker]: My coffee coupon!
...
Fingal: If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work.
Crow: I'll be a better zombie!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During a rather adult scene]
Mike: Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"...
Mike: Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]
Apollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life...
Crow: Whoa!
Apollonia: ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!
Servo: Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part?
. . .
Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman!
[Apollonia slaps him.]
Crow [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually.
. . .
Apollonia: Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is...
Servo: Well, slapping him seemed like a good start!
Apollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life...
Crow: Whoa!
Apollonia: ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!
Servo: Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part?
. . .
Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman!
[Apollonia slaps him.]
Crow [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually.
. . .
Apollonia: Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is...
Servo: Well, slapping him seemed like a good start!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]
Rick: What're you gonna do?
Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.
Mike: Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!
Rick: What're you gonna do?
Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.
Mike: Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]
Computer: What is your access code?
Crow: Where do you want to go today? All over this movie, that's where I want to go.
Computer: Invalid access. Quit or retry?
Servo: I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex.
Computer: What is your access code?
Crow: Where do you want to go today? All over this movie, that's where I want to go.
Computer: Invalid access. Quit or retry?
Servo: I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]
Crow: The chairman's got really bad dandruff.
Mike: This is how much pure cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie.
. . .
Fingal: I'm not making this up!
Mike [as Fingal]: I'm not cleaning it up either!
Crow: The chairman's got really bad dandruff.
Mike: This is how much pure cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie.
. . .
Fingal: I'm not making this up!
Mike [as Fingal]: I'm not cleaning it up either!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the crap out of Fred Rogers.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: [singing to the background music] You can't always get what you want...
. . .
[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]
Servo [as God]: Here's some more commandments I forgot.
Mike, Crow, Servo: [singing to the background music] You can't always get what you want...
. . .
[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]
Servo [as God]: Here's some more commandments I forgot.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Fingal: Shut up, Fat Man!
Mike [as Fingal]: You... you anteater!
Mike [as Fingal]: You... you anteater!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.]
Fingal: Genius. Pure Genius.
Crow: ...couldn't save this film.
. . .
[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]
Servo [as Fat Man]: I'm farting Monopoly cards!
Mike: Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. [chuckles] Sorry.
Fingal: Genius. Pure Genius.
Crow: ...couldn't save this film.
. . .
[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]
Servo [as Fat Man]: I'm farting Monopoly cards!
Mike: Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. [chuckles] Sorry.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]
Crow [as Fat Man]: Draw... me some butter!
Crow [as Fat Man]: Draw... me some butter!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.]
Mike: Vertigo to hell.
. . .
Servo: You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now!
. . .
Mike: I love you this much!
Servo: I don't care for you!
Mike: Vertigo to hell.
. . .
Servo: You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now!
. . .
Mike: I love you this much!
Servo: I don't care for you!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.]
Crow: Eating Raul!
Crow: Eating Raul!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal (now Rick) is send the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.]
Rick: Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater!
Servo: Lay off the anteaters! Come on!
Crow: Man!
Rick: Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater!
Servo: Lay off the anteaters! Come on!
Crow: Man!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie.]
Servo: Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh?
Servo: Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "Casablanca".]
Crow [as co-worker]: But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week!
Crow [as co-worker]: But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The theme plays at the end.]
Mike: And now the news. [brief pause] That was the news.
Mike: And now the news. [brief pause] That was the news.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]
Man: What's he doing?
Crow: Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine!
Man: What's he doing?
Crow: Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]
Dr. Hill: You better watch where you're going!
Dr. Mitchell: Pretty you may be!
[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]
Crow [as Guard]: Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant!
. . .
[Dr. Hill drives away]
Servo: Uh... driving she may be!
[Dr. Hill is parking her car]
Crow: Ah parking! What a great way to establish character and create tension!
[The car's engine makes odd noises]
Mike: An exhaust system she may need!
Dr. Hill: You better watch where you're going!
Dr. Mitchell: Pretty you may be!
[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]
Crow [as Guard]: Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant!
. . .
[Dr. Hill drives away]
Servo: Uh... driving she may be!
[Dr. Hill is parking her car]
Crow: Ah parking! What a great way to establish character and create tension!
[The car's engine makes odd noises]
Mike: An exhaust system she may need!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]
Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat!
Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in!
Crow [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans!
Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay.
Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on!
Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
Mike: Are we not blokes?
Prof. Steiner: Relay One.
Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in!
Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end!
Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat!
Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in!
Crow [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans!
Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay.
Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on!
Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
Mike: Are we not blokes?
Prof. Steiner: Relay One.
Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in!
Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.]
Crow: Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again!
Crow: Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]
Thief: Gloria?
Mike [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A?
Thief: Gloria!
Servo [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo!
Thief: Gloria!
Crow [as Thief]: I hear they got your number.
Thief: Gloria?
Mike [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A?
Thief: Gloria!
Servo [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo!
Thief: Gloria!
Crow [as Thief]: I hear they got your number.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]
Crow: Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?
Servo: Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?
Crow: Do I want the director just killed or should he be tortured first?
Mike: Crow!
. . .
[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]
Crow: Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]
Crow: Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?
Servo: Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?
Crow: Do I want the director just killed or should he be tortured first?
Mike: Crow!
. . .
[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]
Crow: Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]
Crow: Grandpa tried to use the microwave again.
Mike: Pat Buchanan's first day as President.
Crow: Grandpa tried to use the microwave again.
Mike: Pat Buchanan's first day as President.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000