Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Noel: "At the risk of sounding nuts..."
Crow [as Noel]: "I've replaced my toes with grapes."
Crow [as Noel]: "I've replaced my toes with grapes."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]
Servo: No, wait! It's a gorilla!
[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]
Servo: ...With a dog mask on!
Servo: No, wait! It's a gorilla!
[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]
Servo: ...With a dog mask on!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]
Servo: I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting.
Servo: I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]
Paul: I'm actually working on something now.
Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter?
Crow [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all!
Mike: Heh, good one!
Paul: I'm actually working on something now.
Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter?
Crow [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all!
Mike: Heh, good one!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]
Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
Servo [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!
Noel: In due time, you'll know everything.
Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late!
Mike: Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.
Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
Servo [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!
Noel: In due time, you'll know everything.
Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late!
Mike: Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]
Mike [as Natalie]: Paul, you is a wahrwilf!
Mike [as Natalie]: Paul, you is a wahrwilf!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]
Natalie: So it all comes to this?
Servo [as Natalie]: The... thing that it comes to?
Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
Crow [as Yuri]: Yes, we is.
Natalie: But over my deadBODy.
Natalie: So it all comes to this?
Servo [as Natalie]: The... thing that it comes to?
Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
Crow [as Yuri]: Yes, we is.
Natalie: But over my deadBODy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]
Crow: Chubby Ramone!
Crow: Chubby Ramone!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]
Sam: Werewolf?
Crow [as Paul]: No, I'm a squirrel monkey; OF COURSE I'm a werewolf, you...
Sam: Werewolf?
Crow [as Paul]: No, I'm a squirrel monkey; OF COURSE I'm a werewolf, you...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]
Crow: Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.
Crow: Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Vicki's feverish nightmare includes a shot of Tess, barking as bees swarm over her]
Mike [as Tess]: Avenge me! Ruff!
Mike [as Tess]: Avenge me! Ruff!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[While Vicki is waiting at Manfred's home, Hargrove brings him the rest of her luggage.]
Mike [as Hargrove]: If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones.
Mike [as Hargrove]: If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]
Mike: Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...
Mike, Crow and Servo: We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU!Tusk!
Servo: Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...
Crow: Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...
Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Mike: High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...
Servo: Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...
Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Crow: Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!
Mike: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...
Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Servo: Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...
Crow: And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...
Mike: In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...
Servo: One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!
Crow: Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...
Mike: We were merely freshmen!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!Tusk!
Mike: Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...
Mike, Crow and Servo: We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU!Tusk!
Servo: Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...
Crow: Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...
Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Mike: High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...
Servo: Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...
Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Crow: Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!
Mike: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...
Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Servo: Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...
Crow: And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...
Mike: In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...
Servo: One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!
Crow: Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...
Mike: We were merely freshmen!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!Tusk!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]
Crow: They named every bee? This is gonna take forever...
Crow: They named every bee? This is gonna take forever...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Slender British rock band The Birds (not the more famous Byrds) perform a song.]
Crow: [singing]Eight… miles… wrong!
. . .
Servo: Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.
Crow: [singing]Eight… miles… wrong!
. . .
Servo: Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.]
Crow: Hey, they're growing Bill the Cat!
Crow: Hey, they're growing Bill the Cat!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub]
Hargrove: Morning, David.
Hawkins: Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
Hargrove: Oh, the usual.
Servo: 9 A.M., why so late?
Hargrove: Make it a double, will you?
Crow: Alright, now we're in England.
Mike: Andy Capp: The Movie.
Hargrove: Morning, David.
Hawkins: Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
Hargrove: Oh, the usual.
Servo: 9 A.M., why so late?
Hargrove: Make it a double, will you?
Crow: Alright, now we're in England.
Mike: Andy Capp: The Movie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.]
Mike: Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins!
Mike: Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.]
Coroner: Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death?
Hargrove: The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees.
Coroner: And her dog?
Servo [as Hargrove]: Uh, the dog didn't sting her.
Coroner: Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death?
Hargrove: The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees.
Coroner: And her dog?
Servo [as Hargrove]: Uh, the dog didn't sting her.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]
Servo: [singing to "Sleigh Bells"] Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go…
[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]
Crow: Hey, it's Nondescript Spice.
Mike: Whose woods these are?
Crow: Oh, I think I know.
Mike: Huh?
[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]
Servo: [gasps] Killer cookie crumbs!
Crow [as Doris]: Damn, it's that "bee-loud glade" that Yeats spoke of.
Servo: [singing to "Sleigh Bells"] Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go…
[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]
Crow: Hey, it's Nondescript Spice.
Mike: Whose woods these are?
Crow: Oh, I think I know.
Mike: Huh?
[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]
Servo: [gasps] Killer cookie crumbs!
Crow [as Doris]: Damn, it's that "bee-loud glade" that Yeats spoke of.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.]
Crow: The house was made of typing paper and oily rags.
Crow: The house was made of typing paper and oily rags.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]
Crow [confused]: All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this?
Servo: Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"?
Crow [confused]: All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this?
Servo: Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.]
Mike: Oh! They want their little gold jacket back.
Mike: Oh! They want their little gold jacket back.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits]
Crow: Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind.
Mike: Why do you lash out like that?
Crow: I don't know.
Crow: Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind.
Mike: Why do you lash out like that?
Crow: I don't know.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Nerdy guy pauses a moment to look at marquee with ladies' legs.]
Crow [as nerdy girl]: Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it!
Crow [as nerdy girl]: Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mike notices a sign that says "Gifts From Germany."]
Mike: Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers?
Mike: Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?]
Crow [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.
Crow [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A lady at the How Do Animals Learn? exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.]
Mike [as lady]: Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird?
Mike [as lady]: Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Bell Woman: ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest.
[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]
Crow [as nerdy guy]: The Führer will like that!
[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]
Crow [as nerdy guy]: The Führer will like that!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A little girl phones her grandmother.]
Grandma: Hello?
Little Girl: Hello, Grandma?
Crow [as little girl]: Where's my money?
Grandma: Hello?
Little Girl: Hello, Grandma?
Crow [as little girl]: Where's my money?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000