Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]
Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line?
Servo [as Customer]: No.
Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto!
Mike: Well, andante, maybe.
Crow [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls.
Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line?
Servo [as Customer]: No.
Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto!
Mike: Well, andante, maybe.
Crow [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]
Bell Woman: [voiceover] It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation.
[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]
Crow: Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on you?!
Bell Woman: [voiceover] It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation.
[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]
Crow: Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on you?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: ...And in the future there will still be a two dollar surcharge for using this service despite the technology having proliferated EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.]
Crow [as Bud]: [mesmerized] Yes — I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales.
Crow [as Bud]: [mesmerized] Yes — I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by Russell Johnson), but is finally caught.]
Crow: Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by "And The Rest"!
Crow: Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by "And The Rest"!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]
Anne Brewster: How does it tell you, and why?
Bud: I don't think you'd understand.
[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]
Mike [as Anne]: Oh, I'll just go wish myself into the cornfield.
Anne Brewster: How does it tell you, and why?
Bud: I don't think you'd understand.
[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]
Mike [as Anne]: Oh, I'll just go wish myself into the cornfield.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]
Dr. Wahrman: And what does it look like?
Crow [as Brewster]: Well, it's got a good personality…
Dr. Wahrman: And what does it look like?
Crow [as Brewster]: Well, it's got a good personality…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.]
Mike: What, has he got Pringles in his shoes?
Servo: Proof that janitors walk upright!
Mike: What, has he got Pringles in his shoes?
Servo: Proof that janitors walk upright!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dennis opens the vault door.]
Mike: Burgess Meredith is inside reading.
Mike: Burgess Meredith is inside reading.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]
Servo [as Announcer]: Member, FDI-Murder!
Crow [as Announcer]: Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 die! [N]
Servo [as Announcer]: Member, FDI-Murder!
Crow [as Announcer]: Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 die! [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]
Servo: Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short!
Mike: These are the beginning credits!
Servo: Oh, well, then kill me, please?
Servo: Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short!
Mike: These are the beginning credits!
Servo: Oh, well, then kill me, please?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]
Crow: It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain!
Servo: [singing]Take on me...
Crow: It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain!
Servo: [singing]Take on me...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Daphne: [singing to "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"] Everybody have sex tonight!
Servo: Everybody throw up tonight.
Crow: Ironically, no one in the band Wang Chung had sex that night.
Servo: Everybody throw up tonight.
Crow: Ironically, no one in the band Wang Chung had sex that night.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Watchguard: But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried...
Servo: Sentence fragments. Just phrases.
Servo: Sentence fragments. Just phrases.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]
Crow: So, does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract, or…?
. . .
[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]
Mike: He's also a black belt in Whac-A-Mole.
. . .
[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]
Mike: Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them.
Crow: So, does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract, or…?
. . .
[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]
Mike: He's also a black belt in Whac-A-Mole.
. . .
[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]
Mike: Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: [singing along to generic '80s synth music]It's the '80s!
Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!
Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.]
Servo: Ugh! They made love in their Chevy van and that is not alright with me!
Servo: Ugh! They made love in their Chevy van and that is not alright with me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]
Crow: So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"?
Crow: So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]
Crow: That is not a woman! That's David Lee Roth!
. . .
[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]
Servo: The car will do anything to get out of this movie!
[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.]
Crow: In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were not in the car at the time of the crash!
[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]
Mike [as Kevin]: Look at that guy wave the gel in front of the light!
Crow: That is not a woman! That's David Lee Roth!
. . .
[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]
Servo: The car will do anything to get out of this movie!
[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.]
Crow: In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were not in the car at the time of the crash!
[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]
Mike [as Kevin]: Look at that guy wave the gel in front of the light!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kevin shoots a gun into the air]
Crow: Oh, great! You just shot down Air Force One, you dope!
Crow: Oh, great! You just shot down Air Force One, you dope!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]
Servo: The king of the Wisconsin Dells finally gets a movie.
Servo: The king of the Wisconsin Dells finally gets a movie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mike and the bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]
Mike Cutout: This sure is a bad movie, won't you?
Servo Cutout: It sure is, you know!
Crow Cutout: Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins."
Mike Cutout: Are you kidding me?
Servo Cutout: Then let's go!
All [singing]: Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo!
. . .
Mike Cutout: Watch out, here comes one now!
Crow Cutout: Look out, you little doodad!
Servo Cutout: Something's sure going to happen!
[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]
Mike Cutout: Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... [Speech fades out.]
Mike Cutout: This sure is a bad movie, won't you?
Servo Cutout: It sure is, you know!
Crow Cutout: Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins."
Mike Cutout: Are you kidding me?
Servo Cutout: Then let's go!
All [singing]: Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo!
. . .
Mike Cutout: Watch out, here comes one now!
Crow Cutout: Look out, you little doodad!
Servo Cutout: Something's sure going to happen!
[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]
Mike Cutout: Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... [Speech fades out.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]
Farmer: Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them...
Servo: Mercy?
Farmer: ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing.
Mike [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me.
Farmer: Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them...
Servo: Mercy?
Farmer: ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing.
Mike [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]
Mike: The American Gothic people take revenge.
. . .
[Fade to table of people laughing]
Crow: [as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story] And then he died!
[all laugh]
Mike: The American Gothic people take revenge.
. . .
[Fade to table of people laughing]
Crow: [as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story] And then he died!
[all laugh]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.]
Crow: [frustrated] I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here!
Crow: [frustrated] I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]
Servo: Grandma Kramer!
Mike: A kabuki actor's been hit!
. . .
Luther: What happened? What have you done?
Servo [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!
Servo: Grandma Kramer!
Mike: A kabuki actor's been hit!
. . .
Luther: What happened? What have you done?
Servo [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]
Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even.
Crow [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
. . .
Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
. . .
Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around.
[Jody drives off.]
Servo [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy.
Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even.
Crow [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
. . .
Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
. . .
Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around.
[Jody drives off.]
Servo [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]
Melissa: This is where the fish lives.
[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]
Jody: Why did you run?
Servo [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
[A pause.]
Mike [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]
Crow [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives.
Melissa: This is where the fish lives.
[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]
Jody: Why did you run?
Servo [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
[A pause.]
Mike [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]
Crow [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000