Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]
Mike [as Barney Fife]: I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car!
Mike [as Barney Fife]: I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]
Crow: She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change.
Crow: She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]
Mike [as townsfolk]: Oh, and "go Packers" too, but mostly burn the witch.
. . .
[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.]
Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..."
Servo [as Strickland]: ...said Madeleine.
Strickland: "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..."
Crow [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap.
Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears."
Mike [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think.
Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him."
[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]
Strickland: What is it, child?
Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something.
Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God.
Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.
Strickland: "Yea..."
Crow [as Strickland]: "...team!"
Strickland: "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..."
Mike [as Strickland]: "...by ten-thirty…"
Strickland: "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine."
Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad!
. . .
[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]
Mrs. Strickland: What is it, David?
Crow: It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf?
Young Melissa: Papa, what is it?
Crow: [irritated] People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at all?
Mike [as townsfolk]: Oh, and "go Packers" too, but mostly burn the witch.
. . .
[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.]
Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..."
Servo [as Strickland]: ...said Madeleine.
Strickland: "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..."
Crow [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap.
Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears."
Mike [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think.
Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him."
[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]
Strickland: What is it, child?
Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something.
Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God.
Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.
Strickland: "Yea..."
Crow [as Strickland]: "...team!"
Strickland: "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..."
Mike [as Strickland]: "...by ten-thirty…"
Strickland: "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine."
Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad!
. . .
[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]
Mrs. Strickland: What is it, David?
Crow: It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf?
Young Melissa: Papa, what is it?
Crow: [irritated] People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at all?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]
Servo: [singing along] "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice."
Servo: [singing along] "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]
Servo [as Lucinda]: I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened!
Servo [as Lucinda]: I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A scuba diver is seen on screen.]
Servo: This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good.
Servo: This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.]
Mike: And...?
[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]
Mike: Oh, they're fine!
Crow: [singing to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"]They got into port and everyone was okay.
They went out for lunch and felt better...
Mike: And...?
[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]
Mike: Oh, they're fine!
Crow: [singing to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"]They got into port and everyone was okay.
They went out for lunch and felt better...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]
Sam: Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
Mike: Poor dopes, they appear every hundred years and get hit by a huge storm.
Sam: Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
Mike: Poor dopes, they appear every hundred years and get hit by a huge storm.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.]
Pearl [as Tee]: I'll see if Bombadil has a place to crash.
Pearl [as Tee]: I'll see if Bombadil has a place to crash.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]
McCartin: After you load with water… you leave. Tonight!
Joe: The sooner, the better!
Servo [as Joe/Cheerleader]: The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us!
Crow [as Sam/Cheerleader]: Yay!
McCartin: After you load with water… you leave. Tonight!
Joe: The sooner, the better!
Servo [as Joe/Cheerleader]: The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us!
Crow [as Sam/Cheerleader]: Yay!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Gorgo is seen terrorizing a small Irish village.]
Mike: Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by Cromwell or infested by leprechauns they've got this guy!
Mike: Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by Cromwell or infested by leprechauns they've got this guy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After breaking free of his nets Gorgo swings his tail at what looks like an elephant, which blows up.]
Crow: I didn't know elephants exploded on impact!
Crow: I didn't know elephants exploded on impact!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.]
Servo: Maybe Mary Poppins flies in and kicks his ass?
Mike: That I'd pay to see.
Servo: Maybe Mary Poppins flies in and kicks his ass?
Mike: That I'd pay to see.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]
Servo: I wish they'd get back to Dorkin.
Crow: Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more.
Servo: Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage?
Crow: Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'.
Servo: D'oh!
Mike: Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work!
Crow: [lewdly] Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh.
Mike: That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I—
[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]
Mike: You know what I mean. Stop it.
Servo: I wish they'd get back to Dorkin.
Crow: Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more.
Servo: Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage?
Crow: Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'.
Servo: D'oh!
Mike: Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work!
Crow: [lewdly] Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh.
Mike: That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I—
[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]
Mike: You know what I mean. Stop it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After the latest attack by the British military on Gorgo's mom proves ineffective.]
Servo: Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now.
Servo: Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean]
Sean: She's going back now—back to the sea.
Servo [as Sean]: ...With the blood of many on her scales.
Sean: She's going back now—back to the sea.
Servo [as Sean]: ...With the blood of many on her scales.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL, Gypsy turned off the power for maintenance. The Bots have looted the SOL]
Crow: If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender.
Crow: If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]
Mike: I understand everything up to the word "A".
Crow: He comes from a long line of great anuses.
. . .
Crow: That's an anagram for "direct to video!"
Mike: I understand everything up to the word "A".
Crow: He comes from a long line of great anuses.
. . .
Crow: That's an anagram for "direct to video!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the name Bharbara Egan.]
Crow: That's an illegal use of a silent consonant!
Crow: That's an illegal use of a silent consonant!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: You know what this has? The bacony smell of Canada all over it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]
Servo: Seven years after the credits?
Mike: [confused] I guess.
Servo: Seven years after the credits?
Mike: [confused] I guess.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]
Crow [as figure]: Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate.
. . .
Mike: Heh... you know, people are just dying to—
Tom: [sharply]No.
Mike: ...Sorry.
. . .
[Troy visits his father's grave.]
Troy: [voiceover] Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
Mike [as Troy's Father]: I died.
Crow [as figure]: Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate.
. . .
Mike: Heh... you know, people are just dying to—
Tom: [sharply]No.
Mike: ...Sorry.
. . .
[Troy visits his father's grave.]
Troy: [voiceover] Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
Mike [as Troy's Father]: I died.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Troy enters his attic.]
Mike: Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays.
. . .
[Troy opens a trunk.]
Crow [as Troy]: This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters.
Servo: Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown.
Mike [as Troy]: I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here.
. . .
Servo [as Troy]: Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk.
[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]
Crow [as Troy]: Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon.
[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]
Mike: Larry Czonka!
[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]
Servo [as Troy]: Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich.
Crow [as Troy]: I've got to find the warranty on this sweater.
Mike: Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays.
. . .
[Troy opens a trunk.]
Crow [as Troy]: This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters.
Servo: Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown.
Mike [as Troy]: I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here.
. . .
Servo [as Troy]: Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk.
[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]
Crow [as Troy]: Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon.
[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]
Mike: Larry Czonka!
[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]
Servo [as Troy]: Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich.
Crow [as Troy]: I've got to find the warranty on this sweater.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]
Mike: Canadian villain Garth Vader. [N]
Mike: Canadian villain Garth Vader. [N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.]
Mike [as Cultist]: Damn you, Pee-Wee!
Mike [as Cultist]: Damn you, Pee-Wee!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.]
Crow: Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot.
Crow: Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Zap Rowsdower: What's your name, laddy?
Troy: Troy MacGregor.
Zap Rowsdower: I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower.
Crow: Yeah, well I'm Bill Shtinkwater!
[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]
Mike: Rowsdowermobile, away!
Servo: And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta!
Troy: Troy MacGregor.
Zap Rowsdower: I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower.
Crow: Yeah, well I'm Bill Shtinkwater!
[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]
Mike: Rowsdowermobile, away!
Servo: And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.]
Zap Rowsdower: Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with?
Crow [as Rowsdower]: They're from Saskatchewan!
Troy: No.
Zap Rowsdower: It's a cult.
Servo [as Rowsdower]: They worship blue oysters.
Zap Rowsdower: They want to rule the world.
Troy: How do you know?
Zap Rowsdower: I've been around, kid.
Crow [as Rowsdower]: And I've been a square kid.
Servo: D'oh!
Zap Rowsdower: Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with?
Crow [as Rowsdower]: They're from Saskatchewan!
Troy: No.
Zap Rowsdower: It's a cult.
Servo [as Rowsdower]: They worship blue oysters.
Zap Rowsdower: They want to rule the world.
Troy: How do you know?
Zap Rowsdower: I've been around, kid.
Crow [as Rowsdower]: And I've been a square kid.
Servo: D'oh!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.]
Mike: [imitating the engine] Rowsdower-er-er-er-er...
Mike: [imitating the engine] Rowsdower-er-er-er-er...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Rowsdower: Go to hell!
Crow [as Rowsdower]: Or at least Edmonton!
Crow [as Rowsdower]: Or at least Edmonton!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000