Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Narrator: Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous.
Crow: Jimmy Carter was in office.
Crow: Jimmy Carter was in office.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[David Warner appears.]
Crow [as David Warner]: [apologetic] In it for the money, folks.
Crow [as David Warner]: [apologetic] In it for the money, folks.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]
Baydool: ¿Como te llamas?
Servo [as Tee]: Yeah, yo quiero Taco Bell, whatever.
. . .
Baydool: Comment vous-appelez vous?
Crow [as Tee]: Je m'appelle… Bite Me!
Baydool: ¿Como te llamas?
Servo [as Tee]: Yeah, yo quiero Taco Bell, whatever.
. . .
Baydool: Comment vous-appelez vous?
Crow [as Tee]: Je m'appelle… Bite Me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tee: I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master".
Crow [as Tee]: Right, Mr. Bater?
Crow [as Tee]: Right, Mr. Bater?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Baydool scares off an intruder by throwing the contents of his chamber pot at him.]
Pearl: Ew, wizard whiz!
Crow: Drain the wizard!
Pearl: Ew, wizard whiz!
Crow: Drain the wizard!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]
Servo [as Tee]: Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im!
Servo [as Tee]: Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]
Servo [as Slave]: Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am?
. . .
Lord Vultare: We've rounded up a number of suspects.
Crow [as Vultare]: …including Kevin Spacey.
Lord Vultare: I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order.
Mannerjay: What of the map?
Lord Vultare: No word. It seems…
Pearl [as Vultare]: …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy?
Servo [as Slave]: Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am?
. . .
Lord Vultare: We've rounded up a number of suspects.
Crow [as Vultare]: …including Kevin Spacey.
Lord Vultare: I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order.
Mannerjay: What of the map?
Lord Vultare: No word. It seems…
Pearl [as Vultare]: …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Baydool shows Tee some blow darts.]
Baydool: These will put anyone to sleep in no time.
Crow: They're tiny James Michener books!
Baydool: These will put anyone to sleep in no time.
Crow: They're tiny James Michener books!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tee, Leonardo and Thena set off on horseback after a confusing scene of exposition.]
Servo: Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me.
Servo: Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]
Loony Henchman: I'm com-iiiing!
Mike [as The Prince]: Put a sock in it, Legolas!
Loony Henchman: I'm com-iiiing!
Mike [as The Prince]: Put a sock in it, Legolas!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tee: When in doubt, rest.
Crow: You are full of crap beyond your years, kid.
Crow: You are full of crap beyond your years, kid.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tee sets up an explosive device at the mouth of the Storehouse.]
Servo: Tee pities the fool who gets in his way.
Servo: Tee pities the fool who gets in his way.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]
Servo [as Vultare]: Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation.
Servo [as Vultare]: Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.]
Crow: Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash!
Mike [as Soultaker/Cash]: [singing to "I Walk the Line"] Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit.
Crow: Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash!
Mike [as Soultaker/Cash]: [singing to "I Walk the Line"] Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to 60 Minutes.]
Servo: I'm Ed Bradley...
Mike: I'm Steve Kroft...
Crow: I'm Lesley Stahl...
Servo: I'm Ed Bradley...
Mike: I'm Steve Kroft...
Crow: I'm Lesley Stahl...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The title card swoops into view.]
Servo [as Don Cornelius]: The SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER!
Servo [as Don Cornelius]: The SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.]
Crow: That's not Natalie, that's Tonya Harding!
. . .
[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: You're dead, Nancy Kerrigan!
Crow: That's not Natalie, that's Tonya Harding!
. . .
[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: You're dead, Nancy Kerrigan!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[some jokes about Brad's car]
Crow: Ugh, that car must reek of Arby's!
. . .
Mike: I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of Marlboro Lights and Hardee's out of the upholstery!
Crow: Ugh, that car must reek of Arby's!
. . .
Mike: I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of Marlboro Lights and Hardee's out of the upholstery!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]
Natalie: Karen!
Mike [as Karen]: Sorry! Love is lifting me up where I belong!
. . .
[Natalie stomps in frustration.]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: The lace on my skate broke!
. . .
[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: Jeff Gillooly did it!
Natalie: Karen!
Mike [as Karen]: Sorry! Love is lifting me up where I belong!
. . .
[Natalie stomps in frustration.]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: The lace on my skate broke!
. . .
[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: Jeff Gillooly did it!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A close-up of the Soultaker (played by Joe Estevez) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.]
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you.
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A prolonged still shot of a tree as the speeding car approaches.]
Mike [as tree]: Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time.
Mike [as tree]: Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]
Mike: She's survived by her Danskins.
. . .
[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]
Servo [as Natalie/Tonya]: Whoa! Triple salchow really takes it out of you!
Mike: She's survived by her Danskins.
. . .
[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]
Servo [as Natalie/Tonya]: Whoa! Triple salchow really takes it out of you!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]
Tommy: What do you want?
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Do you have a phone, so I can call Martin to take over my role?
Tommy: What do you want?
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Do you have a phone, so I can call Martin to take over my role?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Soultaker hovers over Tommy, preparing to take her soul]
The Soultaker: [ominously] It's Closing Time!
Servo: Does that mean that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end?
The Soultaker: [ominously] It's Closing Time!
Servo: Does that mean that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]
Tommy: Thanks!
[The woman laughs it off.]
Mike [as Woman]: I just got assaulted, it's fun!
Tommy: Thanks!
[The woman laughs it off.]
Mike [as Woman]: I just got assaulted, it's fun!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]
Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom!
Zach: No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital.
Natalie: What?
Mike [as Zach/Actor]: Hey, look—you wrote this crap!
Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom!
Zach: No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital.
Natalie: What?
Mike [as Zach/Actor]: Hey, look—you wrote this crap!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Natalie lies unconscious in a hospital bed, respirator in mouth.]
Mike: [singing in Peter Frampton/talkbox voice] I wanna thank you.
Mike: [singing in Peter Frampton/talkbox voice] I wanna thank you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]
Brad: You still haven't figured it out, have you, man?
Crow: We have! Can we go?!
Brad: You still haven't figured it out, have you, man?
Crow: We have! Can we go?!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge after a long chase scene.]
Crow [as Soultaker]: Muhuhahahahaha! You're it!
Soultaker: It's all over now.
Servo: Oh, ho, I wish that were true!
Crow [as Soultaker]: Muhuhahahahaha! You're it!
Soultaker: It's all over now.
Servo: Oh, ho, I wish that were true!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000