Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]
Crow: What happens when you touch gold?
Crow: What happens when you touch gold?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]
Buz: What's wrong?
Crow [as Michelle]: I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!"
Buz: What's wrong?
Crow [as Michelle]: I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]
Mike [as Buz]: Wh... oh, a gun. So that was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.
Mike [as Buz]: Wh... oh, a gun. So that was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Critter: I'll have ten Hershey bars.
Crow: Tin Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat.
Michelle: That'll be one dollar.
Servo [as Critter]: I've got a "Happenings" coupon!
Critter: Can you cash a hundred?
Michelle: I've never even seen one!
Critter: Fifty?
[Michelle shakes her head "no."]
Mike [as Critter]: Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess.
Crow: Tin Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat.
Michelle: That'll be one dollar.
Servo [as Critter]: I've got a "Happenings" coupon!
Critter: Can you cash a hundred?
Michelle: I've never even seen one!
Critter: Fifty?
[Michelle shakes her head "no."]
Mike [as Critter]: Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]
Servo [as Buz]: I'm back!
...
Mike [as Buz]: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
...
Crow [as Buz]: C'mon, I just teleported here! It's impressive!
Servo [as Buz]: I'm back!
...
Mike [as Buz]: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
...
Crow [as Buz]: C'mon, I just teleported here! It's impressive!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]
Mike: She makes Elaine Benes look like a good dancer.
Mike: She makes Elaine Benes look like a good dancer.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]
Mike [as Man]: [politely] Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"?
[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]
Servo [as Man]: No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!"
Mike [as Man]: [politely] Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"?
[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]
Servo [as Man]: No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A series of signs that read: HELP! on the way to first assignment future soldier and war-bride honeymooning ]
Servo: Oh, so he learns he enjoys violence, and be ready to kill like, a man ought a.
. . .
[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]
Servo: Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass!
Mike: So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form?
. . .
Servo: She's dancing the specials at T.G.I. Friday's.
Crow: Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the Jack Daniel's grill.
. . .
Critter: [singing] But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by.
Servo: [singing] You're living a lie.
Critter: [singing] You gotta come down.
Servo: [singing] You dance like a clown.
Critter: [singing] By and by.
Servo: [singing] I hope that you die!
Servo: Oh, so he learns he enjoys violence, and be ready to kill like, a man ought a.
. . .
[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]
Servo: Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass!
Mike: So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form?
. . .
Servo: She's dancing the specials at T.G.I. Friday's.
Crow: Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the Jack Daniel's grill.
. . .
Critter: [singing] But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by.
Servo: [singing] You're living a lie.
Critter: [singing] You gotta come down.
Servo: [singing] You dance like a clown.
Critter: [singing] By and by.
Servo: [singing] I hope that you die!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]
Grandpa: Uh-oh!
Crow [as Grandpa]: We better eat all the ice cream!
Grandpa: Uh-oh!
Crow [as Grandpa]: We better eat all the ice cream!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]
Servo [as the star]: [straining] Twinkle! [grunts] That's all I got.
Servo [as the star]: [straining] Twinkle! [grunts] That's all I got.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]
Mike: Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.
Mike: Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Cooper: [snidely] Allow me to introduce myself.
Servo [as Cooper]: I'm Bob Jackass.
Servo [as Cooper]: I'm Bob Jackass.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]
Servo [as Cooper]: Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities!
Servo [as Cooper]: Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]
Servo [as Miffy]: Meow, meow... safe! Meow, meow... very safe!
Servo [as Miffy]: Meow, meow... safe! Meow, meow... very safe!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]
Servo [as Madeline]: Honey? You okay down there?
Mike [as Cooper]: Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!
Servo [as Madeline]: Honey? You okay down there?
Mike [as Cooper]: Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]
Merlin: Don't I get a kiss?
Zurella: You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
Mike: So, she threatened him with sex?
Merlin: Don't I get a kiss?
Zurella: You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
Mike: So, she threatened him with sex?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]
Mike: Why, here's something else Satan created: Japanimation!
Servo: It's the anime version of Peter Rabbit.
Mike: Why, here's something else Satan created: Japanimation!
Servo: It's the anime version of Peter Rabbit.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]
David: God help me!
Servo [as God]: Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. [muttering] You're on your own.
David: God help me!
Servo [as God]: Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. [muttering] You're on your own.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Merlin]: I'm going to hit the mystical can.
. . .
Crow [as Merlin]: Remember to believe in magic... or I'll kill you.
. . .
Crow [as Merlin]: Remember to believe in magic... or I'll kill you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]
Merlin: Heed my words....
Mike [as Merlin]: ...munch my shorts....
Merlin: Heed my words....
Mike [as Merlin]: ...munch my shorts....
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]
Cooper: Do you know who I am? I am the supreme being!
Servo: Clapton?
Cooper: I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.
Mike: [laughs] Why?
Cooper: Do you know who I am? I am the supreme being!
Servo: Clapton?
Cooper: I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.
Mike: [laughs] Why?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]
Merlin: Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
Mike [as Merlin]: ...you fine!
Merlin: Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
Mike [as Merlin]: ...you fine!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]
Crow : Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit.
Crow : Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]
Servo [as the Kid]: [slowly] Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy!
Servo [as the Kid]: [slowly] Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]
Cooper: You really think you are Merlin, don't you?
Crow [as Cooper]: My cheek-lines disagree.
Cooper: You really think you are Merlin, don't you?
Crow [as Cooper]: My cheek-lines disagree.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cooper has cast a spell that allows him to breathe fire using Merlin's book]
Mike: Surely, Merlin has brought good into the world!
Mike: Surely, Merlin has brought good into the world!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Grandpa has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]
Crow [as Grandpa]: I have another script called Chinatown, but I don't like it as much.
Crow [as Grandpa]: I have another script called Chinatown, but I don't like it as much.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].
Mike: In association with Bob Tet Offensive Productions.
Mike: In association with Bob Tet Offensive Productions.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening credits identify actor Robert Z'Dar.
Servo: Oh z'no.
Servo: Oh z'no.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Two young Native American boys practice archery, while stereotypical "Indian" music plays on the soundtrack.]
Mike [as Boy]: Thanks for the stereotype music!
Mike [as Boy]: Thanks for the stereotype music!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000