Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.]
Crow [as Doc]: Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my gaydar.
. . .
Doc: [over CB] Tim?
Crow [as Tim]: Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie?
Crow [as Doc]: Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my gaydar.
. . .
Doc: [over CB] Tim?
Crow [as Tim]: Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Now Doc is in the woods and Leslie is watching on the radar.]
Leslie: He's close to you!
Doc: My left or right?
Tom: Well, which way are you facing, idiot?
Leslie: He's close to you!
Doc: My left or right?
Tom: Well, which way are you facing, idiot?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Doc finishes narrating as his group begins walking up some stairs to Crenshaw's place.]
Mike [as Doc]: I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets.
Mike [as Doc]: I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]
Kathy: Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"?
Paul: Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one.
Mike [as Paul]: Like Wahoo McDaniel.
Paul: It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark".
Crow [as Kathy]: Oh! Is he seeing anyone?
Kathy: Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"?
Paul: Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one.
Mike [as Paul]: Like Wahoo McDaniel.
Paul: It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark".
Crow [as Kathy]: Oh! Is he seeing anyone?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During one of Johnny Longbow's long-winded monologues, thunder rumbles in the distance.]
Crow [as God]: Stop talking, Johnny Longbow!
Crow [as God]: Stop talking, Johnny Longbow!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.]
Paul: I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place.
Servo: Dozens! No, hundreds of antiseptics!
Kathy: Your place?
Paul: Yeah, my place.
Mike: I call it "Antiseptic Manor."
Kathy: Fine. Your place, then.
[Thunder rumbles.]
Crow [as God]: Not his place! Fornicators!
Paul: I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place.
Servo: Dozens! No, hundreds of antiseptics!
Kathy: Your place?
Paul: Yeah, my place.
Mike: I call it "Antiseptic Manor."
Kathy: Fine. Your place, then.
[Thunder rumbles.]
Crow [as God]: Not his place! Fornicators!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]
Servo [as Paul]: Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth.
Servo [as Paul]: Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Paul rises after fainting.]
Paul: I guess I blacked out.
Mike: Um, excuse me, you African-Americaned out.
Paul: I guess I blacked out.
Mike: Um, excuse me, you African-Americaned out.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.]
Mike: He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom!
Crow: Maybe he has a trampoline in there.
. . .
[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]
Mike [as Lizard]: Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do?
Mike: He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom!
Crow: Maybe he has a trampoline in there.
. . .
[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]
Mike [as Lizard]: Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]
Crow: Tha— That's just a picture of the moon!
Servo: Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute.
Crow: Tha— That's just a picture of the moon!
Servo: Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]
Mike: Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.[N]
Mike: Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.[N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Johnny and Captain Mac, looking for Paul, drive past a road sign for U.S. Route 66.]
Crow: Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee!
Crow: Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Johnny tells Kathy of his plan to give Paul a quick death.]
Kathy: Johnny, you can't do this! Paul's your friend! Paul—
Johnny: PAUL IS NOT PAUL ANYMORE!
Crow [as Johnny]: HE'S SUPER PAUL!
Kathy: Johnny, you can't do this! Paul's your friend! Paul—
Johnny: PAUL IS NOT PAUL ANYMORE!
Crow [as Johnny]: HE'S SUPER PAUL!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]
Servo [as Johnny]: I see... a huge casino!
Mike: Oh, come on.
Servo [as Johnny]: I see... a huge casino!
Mike: Oh, come on.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Title Card is shown]
Mike: Aw, can't I have just one more justice?
Mike: Aw, can't I have just one more justice?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palmero to Italy.]
Wilson: Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.
Mike [as Wilson]: That's hard to do!
Wilson: Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.
Mike [as Wilson]: That's hard to do!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Geronimo has challened a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.]
Servo: Ugh, he's sweating palm kernel oil!
Servo: Ugh, he's sweating palm kernel oil!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]
Mike [as Announcer]: Cars provided by Matchbox.
Mike [as Announcer]: Cars provided by Matchbox.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Maltese taxi driver: Do you know John Wayne?
Mike [as Geronimo]: Gacy, yes!
Mike [as Geronimo]: Gacy, yes!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]
Servo: The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly.
Servo: The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Geronimo: Carnival? Is it a big carnival?
Crow [as Geronimo]: Can I get a balloon?
Crow [as Geronimo]: Can I get a balloon?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]
Mike: Guess he's a... felonious monk!
. . .
Servo [as Palermo]: I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!
Mike: Guess he's a... felonious monk!
. . .
Servo [as Palermo]: I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]
Mike: Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger.
Mike: Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.]
Mike: San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare.
Mike: San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The members of court are performing a dance.]
Servo: [singing] "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!"
Servo: [singing] "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]
Servo [as Hamlet]: Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.
. . .
[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]
Mike [as Hamlet]: [in stoner voice] Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.
. . .
[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]
Mike [as Hamlet]: [in stoner voice] Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow [as Hamlet]: Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Servo [as the Ghost]: SCROOGE! Oh, wait. Wrong story.
Mike: Meet the Beatles.
Mike: Meet the Beatles.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000