Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]
Ophelia: My prince…
Servo [as Ophelia]: … are back from Fotomat.
. . .
Hamlet: I never gave you aught.
Crow [as Ophelia]: Tscha!
Ophelia: My honored prince… you know right well you did.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Right well did not!
Ophelia: My prince…
Servo [as Ophelia]: … are back from Fotomat.
. . .
Hamlet: I never gave you aught.
Crow [as Ophelia]: Tscha!
Ophelia: My honored prince… you know right well you did.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Right well did not!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
King Claudius: I like him not...
Crow [as Claudius]: I like him. NOT!
Crow [as Claudius]: I like him. NOT!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Hamlet: To be or not to be...
Mike: The literary equivalent of "Da-da-da-dunnn!"
Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler!
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?
Mike: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
Hamlet: To die: to sleep.
Crow: Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub.
Hamlet: No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to...
Mike: Ok, we need a predicate, now.
Hamlet: ...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man! [snickers]
Mike: Oh, you...
Hamlet: To die, to sleep.
Servo: To SLEEP!
Mike: Whoa, that's an old chesnut.
Hamlet: To sleep...
Servo: To SLEEEEEP
Hamlet: Perchance to dream...
Servo: The impossible DREAM?
Hamlet: Aye, there's the rub.
Mike: I knew I had some rub left...
. . .
Hamlet: ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Crow: Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe.
Hamlet: Who would fardels bear...
Mike': Ha, fardels...
. . .
Hamlet: And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others--
Servo: SUM UP!
Hamlet: --that we know not of?
. . .
Mike: So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say!
Mike: The literary equivalent of "Da-da-da-dunnn!"
Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler!
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?
Mike: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
Hamlet: To die: to sleep.
Crow: Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub.
Hamlet: No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to...
Mike: Ok, we need a predicate, now.
Hamlet: ...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man! [snickers]
Mike: Oh, you...
Hamlet: To die, to sleep.
Servo: To SLEEP!
Mike: Whoa, that's an old chesnut.
Hamlet: To sleep...
Servo: To SLEEEEEP
Hamlet: Perchance to dream...
Servo: The impossible DREAM?
Hamlet: Aye, there's the rub.
Mike: I knew I had some rub left...
. . .
Hamlet: ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Crow: Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe.
Hamlet: Who would fardels bear...
Mike': Ha, fardels...
. . .
Hamlet: And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others--
Servo: SUM UP!
Hamlet: --that we know not of?
. . .
Mike: So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.]
Hamlet: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool!
Crow [as Polonius]: Oh, right, it's my fault you killed me.
Hamlet: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool!
Crow [as Polonius]: Oh, right, it's my fault you killed me.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Hamlet: Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Fifty thousand, maybe.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Fifty thousand, maybe.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]
Hamlet: Give us the foils.
Servo [as Hamlet]: We shall some potatoes bake.
Hamlet: Give us the foils.
Servo [as Hamlet]: We shall some potatoes bake.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]
Claudius: Here, to thy health.
Servo [as Claudius]: ...coming to a sudden end.
Claudius: Here, to thy health.
Servo [as Claudius]: ...coming to a sudden end.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Claudius can only stare helplessly as Gertrude drinks the poison meant for Hamlet.]
Mike [as Claudius]: Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again...
Mike [as Claudius]: Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the film ends, a card is shown reading "You have seen Hamlet by William Shakespeare."]
Mike: Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball".
Mike: Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The opening credits display: "IT Lives By Night".]
Crow: Well, it shouldn't drink so much coffee!
Crow: Well, it shouldn't drink so much coffee!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]
Mike [as Kipling]: Posed like this in Playgirl, only without my pants!
Mike [as Kipling]: Posed like this in Playgirl, only without my pants!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]
Mike [as Kipling]: Um... do you have any drug allergies?
Mike [as Kipling]: Um... do you have any drug allergies?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]
Cathy: Dr. Kipling?
Servo [as Cathy]: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's waiting for you.
. . .
Dr. Kipling: Mrs. Beck...
Mike [as Kipling]: ...you're a loser, baby.
Cathy: Dr. Kipling?
Servo [as Cathy]: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's waiting for you.
. . .
Dr. Kipling: Mrs. Beck...
Mike [as Kipling]: ...you're a loser, baby.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]
Crow: Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house?
Crow: Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Cathy, now apparently a bat as well, walks back into the caves to join her husband]
Crow: Now, wait a minute... how did she turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and...
[Pause]
Crow: [horrified] ...Oh, my god.
Tom: [disgusted] GAH!
[They rush out of the theater]
Crow: OH MY GOD! I get the shower first!
Tom: No, me first!
Mike: Urgh!
Crow: Now, wait a minute... how did she turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and...
[Pause]
Crow: [horrified] ...Oh, my god.
Tom: [disgusted] GAH!
[They rush out of the theater]
Crow: OH MY GOD! I get the shower first!
Tom: No, me first!
Mike: Urgh!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike: Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Temple Foster is listed in the credits.]
Servo: Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.
Servo: Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]
Servo: Lucky sign!
Servo: Lucky sign!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Linda begins stripping during the interview]
Linda: Shall I dance for you?
Crow: Yes! For God's sakes, yes!
Linda: Shall I dance for you?
Crow: Yes! For God's sakes, yes!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Gary looks around the island when the crew first lands on the shore]
Crow [as Gary]: I see a tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget!
Crow [as Gary]: I see a tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]
Mike: Man, they're future governors of Minnesota!
Mike: Man, they're future governors of Minnesota!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]
Joe: For you, the worst girl in the world is too good.
Servo [as Bobby]: But I like Tonya Harding!
. . .
[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]
Servo [as Bobby]: Boy! Defending my misogynyreally takes commitment!
Joe: For you, the worst girl in the world is too good.
Servo [as Bobby]: But I like Tonya Harding!
. . .
[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]
Servo [as Bobby]: Boy! Defending my misogynyreally takes commitment!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]
Georgia: Gary!
Crow [as Georgia]: Your infidelity mildly irritates me!
Gary: This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Servo [as Gary]: Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees!
Crow [as Gary]: It's pretty windy too! And high humidity!
Georgia: Gary!
Crow [as Georgia]: Your infidelity mildly irritates me!
Gary: This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Servo [as Gary]: Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees!
Crow [as Gary]: It's pretty windy too! And high humidity!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The moonlight casts the shadow of a palm tree against the side of the cabin.]
Mike: Look at that shadow - it's Sideshow Bob!
Mike: Look at that shadow - it's Sideshow Bob!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Bobby wanders off into the jungle to the tune of Vince Guaraldi-esque piano music.]
Crow: Soundtrack by Schroeder.
Crow: Soundtrack by Schroeder.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]
Mike: ...hey!
[The words "The End" abruptly appear]
Servo: So, you wanna end your movie that way, huh? Ok, get bent! We're outta here!
Mike: ...hey!
[The words "The End" abruptly appear]
Servo: So, you wanna end your movie that way, huh? Ok, get bent! We're outta here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Coily the Spring Sprite: So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish!
Crow [as Coily]: ...In HELL!
Crow [as Coily]: ...In HELL!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Gilbert, a rather rotund man, wishes there were no springs, Coily magically makes them disappear from the world.]
Mike: So, one clod says one thing and the whole world pays???
Crow [as Gilbert]: No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf.
Mike: So, one clod says one thing and the whole world pays???
Crow [as Gilbert]: No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After Gilbert discovers he can't even operate his car without springs, Coily appears.]
Coily: Noooo springs! [laughs]
Gilbert: Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish.
Coily: [rubs chin in thought] Wellll...
Mike [as Coily]: NO!
Coily: Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again!
. . .
[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]
Servo: So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly?
Coily: Noooo springs! [laughs]
Gilbert: Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish.
Coily: [rubs chin in thought] Wellll...
Mike [as Coily]: NO!
Coily: Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again!
. . .
[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]
Servo: So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000