Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Gilbert: You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape...
Mike [as Gilbert]: ...by anti-spring extremists.
Mike [as Gilbert]: ...by anti-spring extremists.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In a monologue about springs directed at his golf partners, implied by several cuts to be extremely lengthy]
Gilbert: I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks...
Mike [as friend]: Guns, huh?
Gilbert: I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks...
Mike [as friend]: Guns, huh?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Gilbert: Why, I can't think of anything that doesn't involve the use of a spring in one way or another! [inexplicably looks into sky]
Crow [as Gilbert]: Hey, look! God has a spring!
Crow [as Gilbert]: Hey, look! God has a spring!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]
Gilbert: Hey, Joe! Wake up!
Crow [as Gilbert]: It's Coily's army of darkness! Look!
. . .
Joe: You and your springs! I hope I never see another—
Gilbert: Stop! Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live!
[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]
Servo [as Coily]: You'll be the first to die!
Gilbert: Hey, Joe! Wake up!
Crow [as Gilbert]: It's Coily's army of darkness! Look!
. . .
Joe: You and your springs! I hope I never see another—
Gilbert: Stop! Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live!
[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]
Servo [as Coily]: You'll be the first to die!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
["A Jam Handy Production" credit is shown]
Crow: Jam Handy, reminding you to keep your preserves in a convenient place!
Crow: Jam Handy, reminding you to keep your preserves in a convenient place!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The title SQUIRM appears on the screen.]
Mike: Well, I don't know why, but okay.
[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.]
Mike: Well, I don't know why, but okay.
[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]
Mike: [dramatically]Of a man named Jed!
Servo [as Granny Clampett]: JEDDDDD!!!
Mike: [dramatically]Of a man named Jed!
Servo [as Granny Clampett]: JEDDDDD!!!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]
Roger: You gonna be da worm face!
Mike: No, you gonna be da worm face!
Roger: You gonna be da worm face!
Mike: No, you gonna be da worm face!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]
Mama: Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in.
Mike [as Geri]: Mom, you don't even have a butt.
Mama: I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come.
Crow [as Geri]: Mother! That's private.
Mama: Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in.
Mike [as Geri]: Mom, you don't even have a butt.
Mama: I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come.
Crow [as Geri]: Mother! That's private.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mama Sanders: [in her exaggerated Southern accent] I never saw such a storm...
Crow [as Mama]: I do hope Ashley Wilkes can get through.
Crow [as Mama]: I do hope Ashley Wilkes can get through.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]
Geri: Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases.
Mama Sanders: Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room.
Servo [as Mama Sanders]: ... along with Daddy.
Geri: Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases.
Mama Sanders: Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room.
Servo [as Mama Sanders]: ... along with Daddy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]
Mick: No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark.
Servo [as Geri]: Mom cracked in 1953.
Mick: No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark.
Servo [as Geri]: Mom cracked in 1953.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sanders' home from outside in the dark.]
Servo [as Roger/Stevie Wonder]: Isn't she lovely?
Servo [as Roger/Stevie Wonder]: Isn't she lovely?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Geri's car bounces quite violently on a pothole]
Servo [as Coily]: Noooo springs!
Servo [as Coily]: Noooo springs!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Diabolik drives off down a highway as 60s spy-themed music plays in the background.]
Crow: [singing along with the music] Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah...
Crow: [singing along with the music] Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]
Crow: Y'know, this music would be better with women in bikinis shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really.
Crow: Y'know, this music would be better with women in bikinis shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]
Servo [as Diabolik]: Let's have a tantric quickie.
Mike [as Eva]: Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store.
Servo: This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel.
Crow: Heh! She's a great samaritan!
Servo [as Diabolik]: You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you?
Servo [as Diabolik]: Let's have a tantric quickie.
Mike [as Eva]: Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store.
Servo: This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel.
Crow: Heh! She's a great samaritan!
Servo [as Diabolik]: You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]
Mike: Wow! Dangerously steep stairs!
Servo: You're watching the stairs?
Crow: Poor Mike...
Mike: Wow! Dangerously steep stairs!
Servo: You're watching the stairs?
Crow: Poor Mike...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Eva and Diabolik make love in a pile of money.]
Servo: They're really gonna have to get their money laundered.
Crow: Steve Forbes and his wife!
. . .
Mike: You know, with my budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change.
. . .
Servo: Paper cuts are brutal.
. . .
Crow: The young Alan Greenspan!
. . .
Servo: They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars.
. . .
Mike: If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better.
. . .
Servo [as Diabolik]: You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster!
. . .
Crow: You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now.
. . .
Crow: Got greed?
Servo: Member, FDIC! [chuckles]
Servo: They're really gonna have to get their money laundered.
Crow: Steve Forbes and his wife!
. . .
Mike: You know, with my budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change.
. . .
Servo: Paper cuts are brutal.
. . .
Crow: The young Alan Greenspan!
. . .
Servo: They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars.
. . .
Mike: If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better.
. . .
Servo [as Diabolik]: You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster!
. . .
Crow: You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now.
. . .
Crow: Got greed?
Servo: Member, FDIC! [chuckles]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During a press conference, Diabolik and Eva have released laughing gas into the room. Everyone breaks into laughter.]
Servo: Dan Quayle announces his candidacy.
Servo: Dan Quayle announces his candidacy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]
Mike: The S. S. Jo Anne Worley!
Valmont: Is that Stud coming?
Crow: I beg your pardon?
[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]
Mike: The S. S. Jo Anne Worley!
Valmont: Is that Stud coming?
Crow: I beg your pardon?
[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]
Servo [as Diabolik]: My steel, reusable Fleet.
Mike [as Diabolik]: Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him.
Servo [as Diabolik]: My steel, reusable Fleet.
Mike [as Diabolik]: Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]
Servo: This has been the official biopic of Larry Fine.[N]
Servo: This has been the official biopic of Larry Fine.[N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At home, the gang watchesThe Crawling Eye, the first film in MST3K's cable run.]
Servo: "The Crawling Eye". The Marty Feldman Story.
Mike: Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in.
Crow: This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?
Servo: Hmmm.
Servo: "The Crawling Eye". The Marty Feldman Story.
Mike: Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in.
Crow: This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?
Servo: Hmmm.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a clip is shown from Forrest Gump ]
Forrest's Mother: Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get!
[cut back to Servo & Crow]
Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, "Life is a like box of chocolates"? Well I got a better analogy! "Life is like a crap sandwich! The more bread you got, the less crap you gotta take!" Sheesh!
Forrest's Mother: Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get!
[cut back to Servo & Crow]
Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, "Life is a like box of chocolates"? Well I got a better analogy! "Life is like a crap sandwich! The more bread you got, the less crap you gotta take!" Sheesh!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Roland Tembo strides through the jungle.]
Crow: Pete Postlethwaite in shorts? This movie is for the ladies!
Crow: Pete Postlethwaite in shorts? This movie is for the ladies!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]
Mike: Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of Sod-Laying Man!
Mulder: Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently.
Crow [as Mulder]: …unlike me.
Mike: Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of Sod-Laying Man!
Mulder: Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently.
Crow [as Mulder]: …unlike me.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Kid on Bike: You're not FBI agents!
Mulder: How do you know?
Kid on Bike: 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen.
Servo [as Mulder]: Yeah, well, you look like Howdy Doody with a headcold.
Mulder: How do you know?
Kid on Bike: 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen.
Servo [as Mulder]: Yeah, well, you look like Howdy Doody with a headcold.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mulder: Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes?
Crow: No, It was Bike-Gifting Man.
Crow: No, It was Bike-Gifting Man.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Baroness De Ghent: Your features are so… masculine.
Mike [as De Ghent]: You look like Pat Summerall.
. . .
Baroness De Ghent: No wonder you're built for hard labour.
Crow [as De Ghent]: You'll be giving birth to Paul Prudhomme.
Mike [as De Ghent]: You look like Pat Summerall.
. . .
Baroness De Ghent: No wonder you're built for hard labour.
Crow [as De Ghent]: You'll be giving birth to Paul Prudhomme.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000