Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]
Mike [as Danielle]: I sneezed in my cocaine.
Mike [as Danielle]: I sneezed in my cocaine.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Welcome back to the MST3K Blockbuster Review, featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see.
Servo: Um-hmm.
Mike: Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, Halloween Water, which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.
Servo: Um-hmm.
Mike: Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, Halloween Water, which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Truman is talking to Lauren.]
Truman: Would you wanna—
Mike [as Lauren]: No.
Truman: Maybe possibly—
Mike [as Lauren]: No!
Truman: Sometime—
Mike [as Lauren]: No!
Truman: Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday?
Mike [as Lauren]: Well, oka— no!
Lauren: Yeah… I can't.
Truman: Saturday?
Lauren: I can't.
Truman: Sunday-Monday-Tuesday?
[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]
Servo [as Lauren]: N-O! Th-the W is silent.
Truman: Would you wanna—
Mike [as Lauren]: No.
Truman: Maybe possibly—
Mike [as Lauren]: No!
Truman: Sometime—
Mike [as Lauren]: No!
Truman: Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday?
Mike [as Lauren]: Well, oka— no!
Lauren: Yeah… I can't.
Truman: Saturday?
Lauren: I can't.
Truman: Sunday-Monday-Tuesday?
[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]
Servo [as Lauren]: N-O! Th-the W is silent.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Corporal Upham: It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir.
Captain Miller: Did you fire the weapon in basic training?
Corporal Upham: Yes, sir.
Mike [as Upham]: But I shot my sergeant.
Captain Miller: Did you fire the weapon in basic training?
Corporal Upham: Yes, sir.
Mike [as Upham]: But I shot my sergeant.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Um, folks? We'd like to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of G[bleep]a. Even sayingGo[bleep]la will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to God[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us?
[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming a Iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]
Crow: There! And it's Matthew Broderick free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]zilla."
[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming a Iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]
Crow: There! And it's Matthew Broderick free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]zilla."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On title screen]
Mike: I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning!
Mike: I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]
Narrator: The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th—
[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]
Mike [as Jim]: Was being sucked through a time portal.
. . .
[They pass a building with a huge sign: GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL.]
Narrator: I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.
Servo: Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too!
Narrator: Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.
Mike [as Narrator]: I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home!
Narrator: The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th—
[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]
Mike [as Jim]: Was being sucked through a time portal.
. . .
[They pass a building with a huge sign: GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL.]
Narrator: I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.
Servo: Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too!
Narrator: Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.
Mike [as Narrator]: I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]
Jim: Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.
Servo [as Jim]: I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.
Crow [as Jim]: I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water.
. . .
[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]
Mike [as Jim]: I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.
Jim: Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.
Servo [as Jim]: I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.
Crow [as Jim]: I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water.
. . .
[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]
Mike [as Jim]: I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do now is lick that language problem.
Crow [as Narrator]: … and Escobar here.
Crow [as Narrator]: … and Escobar here.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]
Crow [as Wife]: I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!"
Crow [as Wife]: I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jim is shown around his future Quonset-hut home by the present husband and wife occupants.]
Servo [as Wife]: [in white-trash accent] The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you.
Servo [as Wife]: [in white-trash accent] The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything.
Mike [as Narrator]: It's called Venezuelalization.
Mike [as Narrator]: It's called Venezuelalization.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to the Liberator, who led six South American nations to freedom.
Mike [as Narrator]: I think it was Zorro or something.
Mike [as Narrator]: I think it was Zorro or something.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a character finds an old drunk in a barn]
Tom Servo: Could this be my Yoda-like mentor?
Tom Servo: Could this be my Yoda-like mentor?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a character starts to strangle another character]
Mike Nelson: It's my incessent droning, isn't it?
Mike Nelson: It's my incessent droning, isn't it?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a character tells someone to set a device on "nuclear"]
Crow: Oh great, what was it on before? 'Defrost'?
Crow: Oh great, what was it on before? 'Defrost'?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a chase scene ensues on lethargic go-karts]
Crow: Put your helmet on; we'll be reaching speeds of 3.
Crow: Put your helmet on; we'll be reaching speeds of 3.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a chocolate bunny is in a miniature guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head, Frank.
Dr. Forrester: You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head, Frank.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a disgusting character enters a room]
Tom Servo: Don't turn on the light, don't turn on the light! [He turns on the light]
All: AAAGGGHH!
Tom Servo: Don't turn on the light, don't turn on the light! [He turns on the light]
All: AAAGGGHH!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a film shows people skiing]
Narrator: Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing...
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Narrator: ...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel: Yeah? Well you're full of skit.
Narrator: Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing...
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Narrator: ...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us.
Joel: Yeah? Well you're full of skit.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a man in a fantasy movie pulls an arrow out of his chest]
Crow T. Robot: Luckily this is before death was invented.
Crow T. Robot: Luckily this is before death was invented.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a man is sleeping onscreen]
Mike Nelson: Hey guys, isn't it funny how life imitates art, and I'm like... sleeping right now, too.
Mike Nelson: Hey guys, isn't it funny how life imitates art, and I'm like... sleeping right now, too.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a particularly cheesy special effect is shown]
Crow T Robot: Special effects by Billy!
Crow T Robot: Special effects by Billy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a plane is seen landing]
Mike Nelson: Ladies and gentlemen, just to play it safe, we're going to take the freeway the rest of the flight.
Mike Nelson: Ladies and gentlemen, just to play it safe, we're going to take the freeway the rest of the flight.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[a woman is being stabbed by a possessed ventroliquist dummy]
Tom Servo: Mortimer Snerd in "Fatal Attraction".
Tom Servo: Mortimer Snerd in "Fatal Attraction".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[after a bad edit results in a character suddenly appearing mid-scene]
Tom Servo: I'm back.
Mike Nelson: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
Crow: C'mon, I just teleported here, it's impressive.
Tom Servo: I'm back.
Mike Nelson: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
Crow: C'mon, I just teleported here, it's impressive.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[after a bunch of soldiers were piled up and eaten by a monster]
Tom Servo: What kind of memorial do we build to those guys?
Tom Servo: What kind of memorial do we build to those guys?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[after a character has strangled another character]
Tom Servo: There, now can we get some sleep?
Tom Servo: There, now can we get some sleep?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000