Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[after a dinosaur has been killed]
Mike Nelson: I came to warn you... an asteroid.
Mike Nelson: I came to warn you... an asteroid.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[after a man breathed fire]
Mike Nelson: Clearly Merlin has brought good into the world!
Mike Nelson: Clearly Merlin has brought good into the world!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[after a movie's vain attempt at humor]
Crow: That was supposed to make us sad, right?
Crow: That was supposed to make us sad, right?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[after the woman suggests treating Paul's injury with antiseptic]
Paul: [enthusiastic] We can go back to my place. I've got all kinds of antiseptics there!
Tom Servo: Dozens, no, *hundreds* of antiseptics!
Woman: Your place?
Paul: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: I call it "Antiseptic Manor."
Paul: [enthusiastic] We can go back to my place. I've got all kinds of antiseptics there!
Tom Servo: Dozens, no, *hundreds* of antiseptics!
Woman: Your place?
Paul: Yeah.
Mike Nelson: I call it "Antiseptic Manor."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[an image of a large man circles in the sky]
Mike Nelson: Really, REALLY Big Brother.
Tom Servo: Someone turn off the fat rotating guy.
Mike Nelson: Really, REALLY Big Brother.
Tom Servo: Someone turn off the fat rotating guy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[as a character drives off in a tiny cart]
Crow: Herve Villechaize's death car.
Crow: Herve Villechaize's death car.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[as a fat man pulls out a gun]
Mike Nelson: Draw... me some butter.
Mike Nelson: Draw... me some butter.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[as a vampire woman attacks]
Tom Servo: So, she comes, she sucks on your neck, you live forever, she's super-hot, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
Tom Servo: So, she comes, she sucks on your neck, you live forever, she's super-hot, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[as an ugly man dances onscreen]
Mike Nelson: Oh, I was trying to get through the movie without thinking about his hips, and now this!
Mike Nelson: Oh, I was trying to get through the movie without thinking about his hips, and now this!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[as Joe Esteveze stands guard]
Mike Nelson: If you see Martin, shoot to kill.
Mike Nelson: If you see Martin, shoot to kill.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[characters pile into a car]
Mike Nelson: We've gotta get out of this movie, step on it!
Mike Nelson: We've gotta get out of this movie, step on it!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Crow has gone back in time and talked to himself]
Crow: Man, I was a real jerk a half-an-hour ago.
Crow: Man, I was a real jerk a half-an-hour ago.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Crow is dressed as Mary Tyler Moore, but Mike "Ted Baxter" Nelson and Tom "Lou Grant" Servo refuse to treat him as Mary Richards]
Crow: [angrily] I can turn the world on with my stinkin' smile.
Crow: [angrily] I can turn the world on with my stinkin' smile.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Crow shows off a snack he made with his new onion blossomer]
Crow: Hey, Mike. Want a try? [Mike samples the snack]
Mike Nelson: Mmmm, that's pretty good.
Crow: Try it with my special dipping sauce. [Mike tries it with the dipping sauce]
Mike Nelson: Not bad. [Tom comes in with his dome missing]
Tom Servo: Hey, that looks good! What is it?
Crow: Your head.
Crow: Hey, Mike. Want a try? [Mike samples the snack]
Mike Nelson: Mmmm, that's pretty good.
Crow: Try it with my special dipping sauce. [Mike tries it with the dipping sauce]
Mike Nelson: Not bad. [Tom comes in with his dome missing]
Tom Servo: Hey, that looks good! What is it?
Crow: Your head.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Crow tries in vain to hurry along a tensionless scene: ]
Launch Controller: Ten. Nine. Eight...
Crow: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. One.
Launch Controller: Seven...
Crow: One.
Launch Controller: Six...
Crow: One!
Launch Controller: Five...
Crow: ONE!
Launch Controller: Ten. Nine. Eight...
Crow: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. One.
Launch Controller: Seven...
Crow: One.
Launch Controller: Six...
Crow: One!
Launch Controller: Five...
Crow: ONE!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[dozens of peasants are fighting to aid Deathstalker]
Crow: We are still fighting bravely for our vague goal.
Crow: We are still fighting bravely for our vague goal.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During a low-angle shot of Jo Don Baker]
Tom Servo: Gah! I don't wanna' be down here!
Tom Servo: Gah! I don't wanna' be down here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[during an interminable opening monologue]
Dr. 'Z' Leopold: It's been a long twenty years.
Tom Servo: Hell, it's been a long twenty MINUTES.
Dr. 'Z' Leopold: It's been a long twenty years.
Tom Servo: Hell, it's been a long twenty MINUTES.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[during the opening credits]
Crow: I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.
Crow: I'm not even going to watch this credit, I'm just going to look away until it's gone.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Father Mushroom appears]
Mike Nelson: so what does a mushroom eat for hallucinations?
Crow: I think they lick toads.
Mike Nelson: so what does a mushroom eat for hallucinations?
Crow: I think they lick toads.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[finding an old chest on her ranch]
Flavia McIntyre: Gold, it must be gold.
Tom Servo: Yeah, the great Nevada pirates buried it.
Flavia McIntyre: Gold, it must be gold.
Tom Servo: Yeah, the great Nevada pirates buried it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Frank is dressed as an executioner]
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me say this about today's invention exchange; let them eat chocolate.
TV's Frank: That's right Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
Dr. Forrester: That's right Frank. [steps aside to reveal guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Ready Mr. executioner?
TV's Frank: Yes my liege.
Dr. Forrester: [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head Frank. [Frank cuts the string]
Dr. Forrester: And no chocolate mess. Well poopsies?
Tom Servo: [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
Crow T. Robot: His only crime was being born delicious!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me say this about today's invention exchange; let them eat chocolate.
TV's Frank: That's right Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
Dr. Forrester: That's right Frank. [steps aside to reveal guillotine]
Dr. Forrester: That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Ready Mr. executioner?
TV's Frank: Yes my liege.
Dr. Forrester: [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Off with their head Frank. [Frank cuts the string]
Dr. Forrester: And no chocolate mess. Well poopsies?
Tom Servo: [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
Crow T. Robot: His only crime was being born delicious!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[hearing a door closing]
Crow: That was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.
Crow: That was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[hypnotizing a man]
The Great Vorelli: You're about to be executed by a soldier, who will put a single bullet through the back of your head.
Crow: So you might as well go along with my little act.
The Great Vorelli: You're about to be executed by a soldier, who will put a single bullet through the back of your head.
Crow: So you might as well go along with my little act.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In his Groucho Marx voice]
Crow: Say the secret word and get killed by a psycho.
Crow: Say the secret word and get killed by a psycho.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Instrumental new wave music plays in an 80s movie]
Mike Nelson: [singing] It's the 80s! Do a lotta coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!
Mike Nelson: [singing] It's the 80s! Do a lotta coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jack Palance is about to be attacked by a vicious guard dog]
Crow: Damn. He saw "City Slickers 2".
Crow: Damn. He saw "City Slickers 2".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joe Estevez looks surprised]
Crow: My nephew made Mighty ducks.
Crow: My nephew made Mighty ducks.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Joel starts the show while Crow is in a cryogenic chamber]
Joel: Hi, everybody. I'm Joel Robinson. Welcome to the... show. [notices Crow]
Joel: Say, Tom. What's with the Crow-In-the-Box?
Tom Servo: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's body temperature down to absolute zero!
Joel: [shocked] Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It'll cause a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Tom Servo: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid! [Joel puts on thick gloves and opens the chamber]
Joel: Hang on, Crow! I'm gotcha! [Joel reaches into the chamber and bumps Crow's head. Crow shatters]
Tom Servo: Good one, Joel.
Joel: Oops. We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: I'm not putting him back together either.
Joel: Hi, everybody. I'm Joel Robinson. Welcome to the... show. [notices Crow]
Joel: Say, Tom. What's with the Crow-In-the-Box?
Tom Servo: Oh, I'm just taking Crow's body temperature down to absolute zero!
Joel: [shocked] Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It'll cause a chain reaction that could destroy us all!
Tom Servo: Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid! [Joel puts on thick gloves and opens the chamber]
Joel: Hang on, Crow! I'm gotcha! [Joel reaches into the chamber and bumps Crow's head. Crow shatters]
Tom Servo: Good one, Joel.
Joel: Oops. We'll be right back.
Tom Servo: I'm not putting him back together either.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000