Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[Things have gotten even stupider in the movie they're watching]
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Tom Servo: Me too.
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Tom Servo: Me too.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tom's dressed as a candy-striper]
Tom Servo: Joel, this nurse's outfit makes me very self-conscious and embarrassed - and yet, I don't seem to mind.
Tom Servo: Joel, this nurse's outfit makes me very self-conscious and embarrassed - and yet, I don't seem to mind.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tom's poem, "A Child's Christmas in Space"]
Tom Servo: It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and Bible black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile... [gradually gets more and more upset and hysterical]
Tom Servo: ...of course, his cheeks would be rosy because there's a vacuum out there, I mean Santa's heart would explode. But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers...
Joel: Tom...
Tom Servo: ...due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY.
Joel, Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Tom Servo: And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER - OH THE REINDEER. - keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails. Prancer - BOOM. Dancer - BOOM.
Joel: HEY.
Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Joel: Tom take it easy, Santa's gonna be okay, buddy.
Tom Servo: You sure?
Joel: Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?
Tom Servo: Phew, what a relief.
Tom Servo: It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and Bible black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile... [gradually gets more and more upset and hysterical]
Tom Servo: ...of course, his cheeks would be rosy because there's a vacuum out there, I mean Santa's heart would explode. But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers...
Joel: Tom...
Tom Servo: ...due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY.
Joel, Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Tom Servo: And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER - OH THE REINDEER. - keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails. Prancer - BOOM. Dancer - BOOM.
Joel: HEY.
Crow T. Robot: Tom.
Joel: Tom take it easy, Santa's gonna be okay, buddy.
Tom Servo: You sure?
Joel: Yeah, give him a little credit, okay?
Tom Servo: Phew, what a relief.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[two men are thrown into a wall that visibly shakes, revealing it's false]
Mike Nelson: The wall didn't bend, ignore that.
Mike Nelson: The wall didn't bend, ignore that.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Upon seeing Coleman Francis in "Red Zone Cuba"]
Mike Nelson: Coleman Francis is Curly Howard in "The Fugitive".
Crow: [as Curly] Hey, Moe.
Mike Nelson: Coleman Francis is Curly Howard in "The Fugitive".
Crow: [as Curly] Hey, Moe.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[upon seeing one of the actors is named "Robert Z'dar"]
Mike Nelson: Oh, Z'no.
Mike Nelson: Oh, Z'no.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Upon seeing the name "Temple Foster"]
Tom Servo: Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.
Tom Servo: Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[upon seeing the title "Cheating"]
Crow T. Robot: A Centron production! Although we got the idea from another company. Because we're cheating.
Crow T. Robot: A Centron production! Although we got the idea from another company. Because we're cheating.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[upon seeing the title of the short 'Hired']
Joel: Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography?
Crow T. Robot: That's not something you heard much during the Bush administration.
Tom Servo: The sequel is 'Hired 2: Laid Off.'
Joel: Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography?
Crow T. Robot: That's not something you heard much during the Bush administration.
Tom Servo: The sequel is 'Hired 2: Laid Off.'
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[watching "The Creeping Terror", in which no one will run away from a slow walking monster]
Mike Nelson: Did anyone know how to run in the '50s?
Mike Nelson: Did anyone know how to run in the '50s?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[watching a Mexican movie]
Tom Servo: Maybe if Cortes had never conquered Montezuma we would not have had to watch this.
Tom Servo: Maybe if Cortes had never conquered Montezuma we would not have had to watch this.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Watching Betty the acrobat swinging on a circus-swing]
Tom Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways.
Tom Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[watching Deathstalker break into a castle]
Mike Nelson: This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents.
Mike Nelson: This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[watching the grotesquely inhumane short "Catching Trouble"]
Crow T. Robot: Joel, do people do this on Earth?
Tom Servo: Yeah, Joel, isn't this wrong?
Joel: Yeah, guys. I'm really ashamed of my race right now. [Joel turns to the viewers at home]
Joel: We'd just like to apologize to everyone everywhere for this...
Crow T. Robot: Joel, do people do this on Earth?
Tom Servo: Yeah, Joel, isn't this wrong?
Joel: Yeah, guys. I'm really ashamed of my race right now. [Joel turns to the viewers at home]
Joel: We'd just like to apologize to everyone everywhere for this...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[watching women's wrestling]
Mike Nelson: Sheeeeeesh. Her breasts are on her shoulders.
Mike Nelson: Sheeeeeesh. Her breasts are on her shoulders.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[while watching "The Creeping Terror, nothing's happening]
Tom Servo: Now we need a narrator, but he clams up; what's going on?
Tom Servo: Now we need a narrator, but he clams up; what's going on?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[while watching "Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm"]
Narrator: Everything seems to be growing. When George arrived at the farm the corn was knee-high. Now it's taller than he is.
Tom Servo: George is clearly shrinking.
Narrator: Everything seems to be growing. When George arrived at the farm the corn was knee-high. Now it's taller than he is.
Tom Servo: George is clearly shrinking.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[zooming in, we see the moon become grainy and out of focus]
Crow: [dumbstruck] Th-THAT'S JUST A PICTURE OF THE MOON!
Crow: [dumbstruck] Th-THAT'S JUST A PICTURE OF THE MOON!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: [as character pulls magazines out of a newsstand in the background] Well, let's see - "Rubber Fantasy", "Latex World", "Butt Biters", and "NewsWeek" - that'll do.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: [during teenage crime wave] Go ahead, let it out. Have a teenage cry wave
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: [impersonating the film's doctor] Here, let me punch you in the sternum to simulate the pain.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: [mocking the hero] I'll be using this condescending tone until the mid-70's
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: [Santa is reading letters] Dear Santa Claus: Please bring me a little brother.' Oh ho ho ho. Can do. Can do.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: [seeing the Mads' invention] Oh, brother.
Tom Servo: That was pathetic.
Joel: Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize.
Tom Servo: Maybe for fiction!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: [watching Hercules struggle] Oh wait, he can bend steel but he can't break through a net?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: A brain the size of a walnut.
Joel: The dinosaur?
Crow T. Robot: No, the director.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: Ah, the classic battle between Evil and the narrator.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: Ah, the clean smell of kids who know they rule the world.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: Ah, this is one of those "I can't pay you, but I'll put your name in the credits" movies.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: As your president, allow me to apologize for not having seen this invasion coming.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000