Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Crow T. Robot: My God! They've done it! They've done it! They've reached the... side.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: Never use a trampoline with unstable TNT in your pocket.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: None of this would have happened if chemistry weren't required
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: Oh, great, a harmonica. As if this guy wasn't annoying enough.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: Oh, he must mean David More.
Tom Servo: No, he's on TV-4.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's More on 4.
Tom Servo: No, that's a black gospel singing group.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's More by 4.
Tom Servo: Isn't that an off road truck?
Tom Servo: No, that's a 4 by 4.
Crow T. Robot: No, your thinking of a 2 by 4.
Crow T. Robot: No, that's a TV term, you know, 2-4, good buddy.
Tom Servo: No, that's 10-4. No, that's a tax form you fill out.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: Oh, stop pretending there's a plot. Don't cheapen yourself further.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: Oh. Well, I'm glad you found it. This is a special report card my partner Tom and I developed for expensive private academies, because Joel, privilege has its own odor. What do you think, sirs?
TV's Frank: Joel! Grades aren't important... it's the SAT's that count. Well, now the good doctor and I would like to make a prediction about the next big trend in entertainment. Move over comedy clubs, move over trendy discussion salons, move over karaoke bars, here comes ventriloquism! Big, broad, sassy, and brassy. And now Deep 13, in association with George Slaughter Productions, would like to present the ventriloquistic stylings of Dr. Clayton Forrester and his lovable sidekick, Resusci-Annie.
Dr. Forrester: Hello uh, this is Resusci-Annie. We secured over two thousand of these previously-owned CPR demonstration dolls and retrofitted them with ventriloquist animations in anticipation of the ventriloquist boom of the 90's. And without further ado uh, it's time to sit back and laugh and learn with Resusci-Annie. Hehe. Say hello to the nice folks Resusci. Hello nice folks. Resusci, I implore you to be kind and courteous to these well meaning and clean, uh, people here today. I wanna go find some chicks. Heh, but Resusci, you is a chick! I said Resusci, you is a chick! Uh, Frank something's wrong this looks like the big one... I'll revive Resusci and tell Joel about the movie, you dial 911 while drinking water. Your film today, Joel, is a little film which stars no one. It features a giant lame lobster and oh... breathe two, three, four. It's called "Teenagers from Outer Space" and it is a spunky load of noodles.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: On behalf of all girls, none of us is going to the dance with you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: She could eat corn-on-the-cob through a picket fence
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: She doesn't have a brain... she'd make a good news anchor.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: So far his greatest adversary has been a ladder.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: So this is Ingmar Bergman's first American film?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: [Watching an obviously gay character in a short] Liberace *wishes* he was this gay.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: Sorry, I was with... Mmm. Alright uh, okay. "A Christmas Editorial" by Crow T. Robot. Uh, I know I already said that. Um, okay. What's the big deal with Santa's elves, anyway? What happens to all those dumb, wooden trains and horses and cars? No... ever kid gets 'em. These are the kind of toys Grandma drags out at Christmas to decorate the house, which smells like her feet no matter how much Essence of Yuletide Lightbulb Rain Wash she uses. Uh, but I digress. Um, uh... No, these are the real misfit toys. They end up in Marshall Fields window displays and F.A.O. Schwarz catalogs or in overpriced little gift shops in Vermont or Door County, Wisconsin. Ahem. My, my message is for the elves. Gentlemen, what is the problem? Why don't we ever see you in front of a circuit board loading microchips into a Segavision with your little wooden hammers? Elf labor short? The good people of Macow are eager to take your prototypes and turn them into 100,000 knock-offs. Elves and Santa, take an example from the Keeblers. Now there's some fairies who know how to market! In closing uh, step out of the legend days, fellas, and join the century of the Pacific. Oh, and uh, Merry Christmas.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you?
Tom Servo: Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage!
Joel: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Tom Servo: Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you?
Joel: Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead.
Tom Servo: I hardly think that's possible.
Joel: Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, right.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: The Coast Guard, for men too chicken to join the Navy!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow T. Robot: The International Fight-Like-A-Girl Championship.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000