Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Dr. Forrester: Now, taste the red hot steel of Dr. Clayton "Fire-brand" Forrester! The punching bag has always had a sound principle behind it. Frank?
TV's Frank: Yes, that it's fun to beat Boffo the clown savagely and repeatedly till Boffo's bleeding froim the ears, but then... alas the thrill is gone. The fire goes out of your belly. You need something new to stimulate your imagination.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, that's why we've invented these hateful punching bags with images of characters from the renaissance festival. For instance, there's uh, the rat catcher. Excuse me, sirs, is that your head or did your neck throw up?
TV's Frank: Oh, bite me Frodo!
Dr. Forrester: And there's the ever popular leather mug maker. Please, sir, sample my wares!
TV's Frank: Sample my fist, you community theatre reject!
Dr. Forrester: Loveable harlequinn! I am harlequinn.
TV's Frank: I am your worst nightmare! Twenty three dollars to get in! Huzzah my butt, you satin-suited, Tolkein-reading loser!
Dr. Forrester: Uh, that's enough, Frank... Uh, well, Joel, your experiment this week is a sweet meat repleat with empty-headed teens, fast cars, and a cute little lizard. It's called "The Giant Gila Monster", and it wil make you hurt or my name's not Earl Shibe. Enjoy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Oh you'll have to excuse me, things have been a little hectic down here this week. You see, my mother's coming to visit, and well, we've redecorated in her honor. She's the one person in my life who's responsible for my deep psychological scar and naturally I wanted the place to look nice for her. Oh, I'm going to send you along some material that I want you to say to her when she gets here. You do a good job and I'll show you my appreciation by not killing you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Oh, hello boobie. Say, do you want to make people's heads explode? Sure, we all do.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Joel, the stories I could tell you of... frenzied bachelor parties, and exotic dancers jumping out of cakes... sounds exciting? Sure... but around midnight, there you are, frustrated and disappointed with a fake cake you can't eat and a dancer named Candy who has to leave to drive her baby-sitter home! What've you got?
TV's Frank: Nothin'
Dr. Forrester: That's why we've combined dessert, *and* objectifying the human body. In one easy cake mix: Cake n' Shake! A real exotic dancer included!
TV's Frank: That's right, Clay! Now gluttony and exploitation serves eight! And just think: Now even mom, dad, and the kids can enjoy a Chippendale dancer at little Jimmy's seventh birthday! Oh, Clay! Can I tempt you with some dessert?
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank, this looks wonderful! You've outdone yourself! Just a sliver...
TV's Frank: Oh, it was nothing! I merely followed the easy to read instructions right on the box! And hey, here's a tip: Just fold the exotic dancer right into the cake, that way you save a step! You don't have to wait for the cake to finish baking!
Dr. Forrester: I'll remember that for my cake for the next bake sa-... You what? You baked a person in it? An hour at 350?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Oh, sweet information superhighway. What bring you me from the far reaches of cyberspace?
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Dr. Forrester: Prepare yourselves for DEEEEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRTINGGGG!
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Dr. Forrester: Push the button Frank.
TV's Frank: I *am* the button.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank.
TV's Frank: No. I want my money back.
Dr. Forrester: Forceps, Frank. Pain.
TV's Frank: I don't care. I want my money.
Dr. Forrester: Electro shock, Frank.
TV's Frank: NO.
Dr. Forrester: Push the button.
TV's Frank: NO.
Dr. Forrester: THE BOX, FRANK.
TV's Frank: I'll push the button...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Sail on, Silver Bird! [injects Lawrence in the butt]
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: D'oh, Jeez!
Dr. Forrester: Now, instantly the serum races through the bloodstream like a Porsche Targa 911, commandeering each pore, slamming it shut, like the vault at your favorite savings and loan!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: The holiday season is here, the boss is on vacation, and we've gone crazy! Now I know from experience that nothing chafes a kid's hinder more than his request for a neat toy maligned into a neat and practical gift. Enter the Wish-Squisher.
TV's Frank: Yeah, what you do is you take a really cool toy that any kid would dig like these uh, video cassette cartridge games. You take it, stick it through the Wish-Squisher... Voila!
Dr. Forrester: and it comes out as annoying and practical as any gift from Aunt Vida. Check it out: underoos that won't fit for two years.
TV's Frank: And what kid wouldn't love as a gift: more money than he or she will ever deserve. But then, suddenly, it starts to get weird. The rules change; you start to feel kind of bad. Voila.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, what was once the bright promise for the future becomes... your 4-year-old sister's raisin collection.
TV's Frank: And nothing - and I mean nothing - is more fun than racing slot-cars, just like this one, around the Christmas tree. But nooooo!
Dr. Forrester: What was once your first-draft, grade-A choice from your parents as a gift becomes... socks.
TV's Frank: Socks, that's right. Yes, what was once crummy, Speedwall, black and green, rayon-encrusted, uncomfortable socks becomes...!
Dr. Forrester: Run it through again, Frank.
TV's Frank: Okay, running it through... the Wish-Squisher... Well, it becomes!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, a gift certificate for a stationery store.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: These are squeeze-toy guitars, Joel, made from discarded doggie chew toys. And these are our roadies Jerry and Sylvia! Jerry, give me a little bit more monitor down here
TV's Frank: Come on let's wail, whooo!
Dr. Forrester: Wait for it, Frank! Now any scientist worth his salt knows that doggies love chirpy little chew-toys and they love rock and roll! We've combined them both.
TV's Frank: Come on, let's rock this mother! Whoo!
Dr. Forrester: Let the cowboys ride! Jerry, run the lights! Hit the camera! This is our new song, plastic man!
TV's Frank: Plastic man!
Dr. Forrester: That oughtta hold 'em, Frank.
TV's Frank: Goodnight, Movie Sign, Cheap Trick says goodnight, goodnight everybody!
Dr. Forrester: Now, your experiment this week Joel features a giant, bloatated, mutant lizard!
TV's Frank: Meatloaf?
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Dr. Forrester: This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a...
TV's Frank: Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They will bow down be...
TV's Frank: The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, exactly. They shall pay for...
TV's Frank: Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident?
Dr. Forrester: Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel...
Joel: Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this?
Tom Servo: Yeah, what do you get out of it?
TV's Frank: Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm... "Omega Man" kind of thing?
Dr. Forrester: No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel?
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Dr. Forrester: Wait! I can't imagine. I shan't! Because it isn't true! But it is! Oh, this sucks!
Dr. Forrester: [music starts] Who'll be my guinea pig for my gene splicing? My fingernail transplants? My fajita? Who will I blame my mistakes on? Who will I... Who will I kill?
Dr. Forrester: [singing] I've destroyed and I've maimed and I've kicked him Now I'm a bully with no victim No adrenaline thrill no screams that are shrill Who? Who will I kill? I've crushed his head a few times Memories like nursery rhymes No one died like my TV's Frank No sweet blood to distill No cute tummy to drill Who? Who will I kill? When I look upon the first evening star I remember when I hooked his liver to the engine of my car I could pickle my Aunt Lil Give my dog a cyanide pill But what Frank-shaped void could they possibly fill? Here's my money. You can bank it. I'm no good without my Frank; it Seems he could die Without batting an eye Now it seems I must take my own bitter pill Tell me who? Who will I kill?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Well Joel, as you know many prominent American woodworkers have, well...
TV's Frank: Died.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. They're dead. Uh, not meant as a criticism, but, it's true.
TV's Frank: Which is the basis of our Invention Exchange this week, it's the Router Ouija Board. Sure, any ordinary Ouija board can contact spirits from beyond the grave.
Dr. Forrester: But with the Router Ouija Board, when you're in contact with the spirit of a dead woodworker...
TV's Frank: Lost in the horry underworld. Ooh.
Dr. Forrester: You get woodworking done with the pride and craft unknown in the world of the living. Now Joel, prepare yourself for we are in contact with someone or something known as Ethan Allen.
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Dr. Forrester: Well Joel, your movie this week is proceeded by a little piece of tripe that's very close to my own heart. It's called "The Phantom Creeps" and it stars our old friend Bela Lugosi as a lovable but fractured mad scientist. Bad print, bad sound, bad for you. Deal with it, joyless prole.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Well, here it comes, Joel: "Mitchell"! It's a super-secret spy... has a motorcycle... marooned in space... meets Hercules... or not... uh, watch it and weep, Joel Prole Mole! Send them the movie, Frank. Frank, the movie?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Well, Joel, this invention is based on the old slinky train toy I had as a kid. It allows me to be in two places at once, connected by the special bio-tube. Well, it's much too complicated; it would take a scientist to explain it, and I'm simply too mad. Well, what do you think, Joel?
Joel: Hey, you guys are always stealing my ideas!
Dr. Forrester: We're monitoring your mind, Joel. Besides, in space, no one can hear you sue!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Well, Joel, today's film is a plotless little peccadillo called "Ring of Terror." It's about some of the oldest medical students in history. Chomp on it but don't choke!
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Crow: [while watching "Angels Revenge"] This was Jim Backus' first film after he died.
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Crow: After his near death experience, Dirk learns a new appreciation for smut.
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Crow: Are we in this scene, or are we supposed to be back with the mole-people?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: What? What are you saying? That you're the only one to come up with a Halloween costume by using stuff found around the house? I came up with this when you were back in short-pants! Can you guess what I am? Can ya guess? Well, by taking two lengths of ABS drainage tubing, and fastening them to my arms, and keeping my feet together really close, I go as the goalie of a foosball team! Huh! You get it?Frank? Huh?
TV's Frank: And by wearing this ordinary everyday Fram air-filter, I get to dress up as Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge of TV's Star Trek: The Next Generation, starring TV's Levar Burton. Kids, reading opens up a rainbow of enchantment and whimsy and wonder and wisdom and...
Dr. Forrester: Thank you, Kunta Kinte. Well, your film this week, Joel, burns deep in the fine tradition of "Kramer Vs. Kramer", "Ollie Vs. Norton", "Kasparoff Vs. Karpoff", it's "Megalon Vs. Godzilla".
TV's Frank: It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, and maybe, just maybe, teach you a little something about yourself. And kids, don't forget to read Godzilla Vs. the Velveteen Rabbit.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick, and I like Morgan Stewart's "Coming Home".
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Dr. Forrester: Your movie this week, Joel, is not a science fiction film, but it's perfect for our experiments. It's just bad. Tell 'em, Frank.
TV's Frank: That's right, it's a diabolical cinematic... It's just bad.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, remember that bad thing we saw? This is even worse than that! Bad!
TV's Frank: Yes, that's right. It's bad.
Dr. Forrester: But it's our kind of bad. It's a good... bad.
TV's Frank: It's bad.
Dr. Forrester: It's good for us... Bad for you, Joel!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: You're upset. I like that. Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Yeah, that movie was kinda harsh. I mean, why don't you give them a break next time. Like show them Scott Valentine's "My Demon Lover" or Betsy's Wedding, or better yet...
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka.
Dr. Forrester: Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka!
Dr. Forrester: Hey, have you seen that movie? It's acutally very good.
TV's Frank: Madam Sousatzka! Is it?
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, with Shirley MacLaine. She gives a wonderful tour-de-force movie. Oh, okay.
TV's Frank: Oh, let's go. Let's catch it later. It's playing at the mall. Let's go catch it. Okay.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000