Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Gypsy: Tom, I don't get you.
Tom Servo: Nobody does. I'm the wind, baby.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: [Joel is watching the mads] Hey, what is this? That Goomba just ate that little Mario guy! That's not fair... I was getting all the...
Dr. Forrester: Well, you can return to this world. Uh, hold down A and push Start.
TV's Frank: What does it matter, he's dead! Dead I tell ya!
Dr. Forrester: It's just a game, Frank. Push the Button.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: [strapped to a table] No mommy! Don't look at me! Don't ever look at me!
Dr. Forrester: And no drooling this time! [to Joel]
Dr. Forrester: Well, hello, boobie. This week's invention exchange is an exciting foray into the field of self-surgery, much in keeping with the theme of today's film. All you need is a willing subject, a can of nitrous oxide, and an oversized version of the game Operation. "Oper-a-tion! The goofy game for dopey doctors! Remove right ankle.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: Don't worry, doctor, I knew when we brought him on that we'd have to eliminate him; that's half the fun.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, Frank, but how? These things must be done delicately.
TV's Frank: After all, he knew going in that this was only a "temporary" situation.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, and now I want this "temporary" situation taken care of... permanently!
TV's Frank: Are we talking about the same thing?
Dr. Forrester: He's been a canker sore in my gumline for too long!
TV's Frank: The way he struts around like he owns the place. Pah!
Dr. Forrester: Let's use method number fifty-three, hmm?
Dr. Forrester: Yes, elegant... painful.
Dr. Forrester: And it leaves nothing behind but the great smell of Brut! Ha ha ha ha ha!
TV's Frank: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Let's do it now!
Dr. Forrester: No, no. Patience, my little henchman. Let's wait until after the experiment.
TV's Frank: Yes, brilliant, make him work for it. And then...?
TV's Frank: And then our little be-jumpsuited fool will be history! Get back to work!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: Face it, Nelson. Your ratings STINK. Sheesh, you bring in less ratings than reruns of "The Duck Factory."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: Geez, they don't really tell you how to reverse these things! Oh, hi! Having a few technical difficulties. Look, Clay, I didn't mean to make you undead! I was just fooling around! It happens!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: Hey, it wasn't my fault that we showed "The Phantom Creeps" at the end... It's Dr. Forrester who calls all the shots around here... If you ask me, that chauffeur had the right idear. As a matter of fact, I've prepared a little number... [sings]
TV's Frank: If chauffeurs ruled the world, it's what I'd like to see 'cause everyone in the world would take a back seat to me. I wouldn't have to drive, I wouldn't have to steer... 'Cause all the world would bow down before me in total abject fear. All the gorgeous dames would worship at my feet. Why, I could have anyone of them I want... Even Meryl Streep. I'd have complete respect of everyone on the planet including intellectuals, even David Mamet. Tell me why do I have to take orders from this guy? I'd like to drop him in a bucket of boiling grease and watch him slowly die.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Couldn't we watch a more cheerful film like "The Sorrow and the Pity"?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a HIGH SCHOOL.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: Okay. Well Joel, you know if you're like me, when I think of the 70's, I think of one thing: Foosball! Woo-eeeyukaaeeee! So what we've done is taken the whole Foosball concept, and uh... We've caulked this, added water, and we've turned it into Water Polo. Woo!
Dr. Forrester: That's right.
TV's Frank: Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: To provide hours of aquatic terror... Get that, Frank... with shark attacks...
TV's Frank: I'm going to kill you! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die
Dr. Forrester: ...boat accidents, just like the kind of terror you're going to see in this film this week, Joel: The Phantom Creeps with Bela Lugosi. I've got you now, Frank.
TV's Frank: And then after that, our main feature is called Rocket Attack USA. It's the feel-good film of the Cold War Era, a triumph of the human spirit! But now I'm going to kill you!
Dr. Forrester: I have you now!
TV's Frank: Die! Die! Die!
Dr. Forrester: I just scored on you, Pauline Kale.
TV's Frank: You are going to... Ahahah...
Dr. Forrester: Endure the film, Joel, if you can.
TV's Frank: I will kill you!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: That's right, we've broken through the space-time continuum and passed the savings on to you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: That's right. You know all the fads with the young people today? You know the kids today, with their loud music, hula hoops, fax machines... But the biggest fad these days: karaoke! Wew! Yuk-e-yeeeewh! What we've done is we've invented a karaoke machine that exclusively plays public domain songs. That's right, that means you can sing into your karaoke machine, have as much fun as you want, and not pay one cent in artist royalties.
Dr. Forrester: That's right, Frank. Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
TV's Frank: People vomit?
Dr. Forrester: No... Lou Gramm, songwriter and Chess King spokesmodel gets a big fat royalty check! And that means lots of money. So, Joel, we've loaded our machine only with public domain songs. All free of copyright, all owned by you, the people.
TV's Frank: That's right, you want to hit the roll there, Jerry?
Dr. Forrester: You get the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"...
TV's Frank: The immortal "baa baa black sheep"...
Dr. Forrester: The turgid and bittersweet "Gregorian Chant #5"...
TV's Frank: The impish "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"...
Dr. Forrester: Mozart's "The Magic Flute," and there's so much more! But your experiment this week, Joel, is called Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods. It has nothing to do with people. It has everything to do with hurting! And we're going to sing you into it with our new Public Domain Karaoke Machine. Hit it, Frank.
Dr. Forrester: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!
TV's Frank: Aaaaaaaaaaveeeeeeeee Maaaaaariiiiiiaaaaaaa!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
Dr. Forrester: [off-screen] Uh, guys, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but uh...
TV's Frank: Coming, sir! [hushed voice]
TV's Frank: I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about Manos: the Hands of Fate .I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: was alone, I had lost my way. Until one wonderful, funderful day when I met a friend made up of fur and fuzz, a friendly little friend whose friendly name was... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Scrappy little pal like no udder. His name is kinda long so you can just call him Muffin. Whatever ya call him, I sure as heck love him. I love him even more than my father or mudder, NummyMuffinCoocolButter... But then, one day unexpectedly, NummyMuffinCoocolButter was taken from me. The loss of that pet has left a really big void. My subsequent behaviour would even startle Freud. When it comes to pets, there'll never be anudder like... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Goodbye, Nummy Muffin CoocolButter... I love you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: Well, you know, recently I've become a vegetarian, and it's worked out great! Really. You know, the other day, my colon looked up at me and said, "Frank, thank you." I said "No. Thank YOU." But now, what am I going to do with all the meat I have stored in freezers? I figured, "Hey, why not bring the meat back to life?
Dr. Forrester: That's right. That's why we've invented the meat re-animator. Hook it up, Frank.
TV's Frank: Clear. [they shock a chicken that gets up and starts wobbling around]
Dr. Forrester: It's alive! Alive! My corn-fed Minnesota chicken is alive!
TV's Frank: You know, I thought this would a good idea, but this is one weird mamajama.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: Yeah right, whatever. Well Joel, everyone knows that design is the combination of two separate elements. That's why we've taken interior design and meshed it with household pests, and come up with something we like to call... decorator roaches!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, roaches. Fashions come and go, but roaches are forever. Our Invention Exchange this week is: Swatch Roaches. Now, for you Southwest enthusiasts, we have this little number I like to call La Cucharacha. Hahaha, get it? Of course you do. And for the sports enthusiast in your life we have the 49ers Roach, complete with colors; and over here we have the Peter Max Roach.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
TV's Frank: You know, Clay, when you come right down to it, I think I'd like to be know as just... Frank
Dr. Forrester: Why's that Frank?
TV's Frank: Because if you can't find peace within, I don't think there's any...
Dr. Forrester: Oh, shut up! I went along with you on this long enough! This Mike Douglas furniture was a terrible idea!
TV's Frank: Don't I get to be your co-host for the week?
Dr. Forrester: No, and you don't get to sing "The Man in My Little Girl's Life", either!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: [as Grampa Borgnine] And then, the devil cat leapt on his throat and pulled out bloody strips of sinew and flesh!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000