Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Joel: Always get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Anyway, a lot of people have recognized that this first Gameron film is in black and white and since there's been so much controversy over Ted Turner colorizing all those classic MGM movies, I thought it'd be time to do a popular opinion survey. Use your phones: call us at 623-7655. And now, Cambot, could you put the messages up on the screen? Or the quiz questions? First quiz question is: Is Ted Turner dumb enough to colorize the beginning of "The Wizard of Oz"?
Gypsy: Call in with your answer!
Joel: Right. Question number two: Does it bother Ted Turner that people watch his colorized films on black and white TV?
Gypsy: Let us know what you think!
Joel: Question number three: Given Ted's obsession with colorizing things, is it possible he's the unwanted love child of Ike and Tina Turner?
Gypsy: Give us a call! Tell us your answer.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [singing] You must remember this, my liver has been pierced.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [singing] You must remember this, this movie really sucks.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [the short is called "A date with your family"] A Date With your Family, the Woody Allen Story.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [upon seeing a college student writing something] Lets see, uh, "If my demands are not met, the screams of those who have wronged me and the smell of burning flesh will fill the student union."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [upon seeing a junky old truck with laundry hanging from it] Oh, and who says there aren't any nice homes in Canada?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [upon seeing the credit "Brian Hamill - Still Photographer"] I'm glad Brian Hamill's still a photographer. I was afraid he'd be laid off.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [watching a man fishing] Typical male, sitting in his chair, playing with his rod.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: As the noose was fitted, and as a delicate black mask was tied around the prisoner's eyes, "May the Lord have mercy on... "
Tom Servo: Booooo-ring! Boring!
Joel: Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson, and I'm with my robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and I'm reading them some really scary bedtime stories, but they're so jaded! I mean, kids today ahve seen and heard everything, believe me!
Magic Voice: Oh, isn't that the truth! Commercial Sign in 30 seconds.
Tom Servo: C'mon, Joel, you've been reading us nothing but the light stuff! "In Cold Blood," "Helter Skelter," the 17 novels that Stephen King published this year, come on! Read us something REALLY scary!
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, c'mon!
Joel: Okay, I've been saving a really, really scary one. That is, if you guys think you're old enough, if you think you can handle it.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I'm sure it's REALLY scary! Do I dare ask what it's called?
Joel: Oh, "Life's Little Instruction Book!"
Joel: [the bots recoil in horror] Okay, "1. Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate.
Joel: [they scream] 2. Surprise your new neighbor with one of your favorite homemade dishes and include the recipe."
Tom Servo: NOT THE RECIPE!
Joel: 3. At the movies, buy Junior Mints and sprinkle them on your popcorn." "4. Enjoy real maple syrup."
Tom Servo: The horror, the horror.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Cody, don't wear your jet pack in the house. What if that thing went off?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Due to an error, there are still a few of you left alive. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Geez, what's wrong, Tom Servo? You look about as upset and downtrodden as a little robot with inarticulate limbs can look.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Hello, sirs! Hey, great movie last week, huh? You know, I don't think a lot of people realize this, but it wasn't really a movie, it was just two Space 1999 segments edited together.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Regardless of what it was, it put your ratings through the ceiling!
Dr. Forrester: Even you could've beaten the Cincinnati Bengals, and I'm out fifty bucks!
Joel: Hey, maybe they'll give me MVP!
Dr. Forrester: Don't get cocky with me, you orbiting Wilfred Brimley wannabe!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Joel, do the words oxygen deprivation mean anything to you? Look, if your ratings keep going up, we'll be forced to send you...
Joel: Geez, you guys. Last week, the ratings were low and you got mad.
Dr. Forrester: Hey, we're mad scientists. What do you expect? Larry, put in Humanoid Woman.
Joel: MOVIE SIGN!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Hey sirs, what's up?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Our income if this new gig works out. Hehehe.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: 'Cause frying and broiling takes out alot of the nutrients.
Dr. Forrester: Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try one of our burgers au naturale? It's uh, ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Haha. Uh, make with the lyrics, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [singing] If you're tired of the same old fare, you've got a friend in Clay and Lar. All our meat is guaranteed rare, 'cause we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester: You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: If you're tired of cookin' at home, try our meat right off the bone. If you listen, you can hear it moan, because we don't cook it!
Dr. Forrester: Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Now, there's no need for you to drive through. Our fresh meat will walk out to you. You'll say hi, you'll say moo. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.
Dr. Forrester: Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000