Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Joel: Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved!
Dr. Forrester: It's our grand re-opening! Welcome to Deep 13!
Joel: Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well, it hasn't affected our brain any.
Dr. Forrester: We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Hey! I know you're an evil Hell-beast, but could you keep it down? It's after nine and we've got kids!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Hey, Servo buddy. I'm glad you dropped by. You know why?
Tom Servo: Why?
Joel: 'Cause today, my friend, you go through puberty.
Tom Servo: Puberty? Does that mean I'm gonna start perspiring and growing hair in weird places?
Joel: No, it just means that I'm getting tired of your voice and it's time to change it, okay?
Tom Servo: Will it hurt?
Joel: Of course not.
Tom Servo: Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Beep! Anything you say, Joel Hodgson, sir, master giver of all things good, gracious host and friendly neighbor, not a bad cartoonist, governor, leige, lord of all.
Joel: think I'm gonna change that algorithm to just "master of the known world" would be better.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Hey, sirs. Boy, your signal's coming in kinda weak today.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Talk about weak, your ratings couldn't jump-start a Yugo!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: I "have" performed surgery once before, and although the person didn't survive I feel confident.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do.
Tom Servo: What's a "doggie do"?
Crow T. Robot: What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street...
Joel: Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night.
Crow T. Robot: ...fire hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. Rrr! Rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Oh, it's just part of the American way: turning a neighboring country rich in culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Ok Gypsy, what's one plus one?
Gypsy: [Long pause] Richard Baseheart!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past.
Crow T. Robot: You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast!
Joel: Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high.
Tom Servo: C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree!
Joel: Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released.
Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo: Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts?
Joel: The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size.
Crow T. Robot: Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs!
Joel: Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb.
Tom Servo: Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing...
Crow T. Robot: Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars!
Tom Servo: And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm.
Joel: You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again.
Crow T. Robot: Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn.
Tom Servo: There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too!
Crow T. Robot: But Ernest Borgnine isn't green!
Tom Servo: Well you put him on a boat and he is!
Joel, Crow T. Robot: What?
Tom Servo: Hey! Who
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Ooh its so nice to have a patio that you can murder people on. It's so easy to hose off.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Their technology must be light-years ahead of ours. Their use of stock footage is amazing.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful God could not've come at a worse time.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Uh, Godzilla, your tail got longer.
Crow T. Robot: That's not my tail.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Uh, honey, I think we're growing apart, we don't have the same interests any more. You want to conquer the world, I want to put a shop in the basement.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun.
Crow T. Robot: But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach.
Tom Servo: Dames like this always got beer around.
Joel: What?
Crow T. Robot: Huh?
Tom Servo: Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber. [Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares]
Tom Servo: Poe!
Joel, Crow T. Robot: Ohhhhhhhh...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000