Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Joel: What do you want for Christmas, Crow?
Crow T. Robot: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: What? He kills him by waving a rusty tailpipe at his face?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Who are you? Where are we? Could we get a frame of reference or something. PLEASE?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Why is she limping?
Crow T. Robot: Because she got an arrow in her chest.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: You can tell they're more advanced because their furniture doesn't break... It tips over but it doesn't break
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [seeing a bottle of blue liquid] Eugh, Smurf urine.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [singing along with the song "Hooray for Santa Claus"] S-A-T-A-N, I mean S-A-N-T-A. Hooray for Santy Claus.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [singing] I feel trembly, oh so shaky, I've had whiskey and vodka and gin.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: You guys are making fun of those two twins in the movie and their faith in Mothra, aren't you?
Crow T. Robot: Oh, no.
Joel: Well, listen, have a good time. But uh, just be careful when you scoff at a higher being, okay? From one who knows, all right?
Tom Servo: Uh, huh.
Joel: Leave it at that.
Crow T. Robot: Okay. Wow. I learned an important lesson today.
Tom Servo: Yeah, thank you, Lucas Tanner. [both laugh, then Mothra appears in the Hexfield]
Tom Servo: Whoa, it's Mothra! Whoa!
Mothra: Hi, kids. What can I do for ya?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, well... Quick, throw it a sweater!
Tom Servo: Yikes!
Mothra: Saaay, you kids were just joking around, weren't you? Please don't do that. C'mon, I'm a busy moth. Got things to do, civilizations to save. I don't get much rest, I'll tell you that for free. Last night, these natives kept me up until all hours of the morning with their dancing and carrying on. Ah, sure, good kids, they mean well and all, but - You know, you'd think that between all those modern dance interpretations - which I like, don't get me wrong - they could throw in a peppy Vegas-style show-stopper. But no, I'm their god and protector, so they're always so solemn when they're around me.
Crow T. Robot: We're really sorry that we disturbed you there, Mothra. Hey, tell us what it's like on Infant Island, will ya? Where do you live? Uh, are you into cacooning?
Mothra: Funny. No, but I do like to hang around this giant lightbulb the natives built for me.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, do you really lay eggs?
Mothra: Let me tell you something, kid. I laid a big egg back when I did the "Thicke of the Night" show. That was a mistake. I've since signed with new management. Say, here's a good one. You know, uh, what the
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: You know, you'd think if he was going to rule the world he'd choose a better spot than a cave.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: You sound like a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Gypsy: Crow?
Crow T. Robot: Yes?
Gypsy: I don't get you!
Crow T. Robot: Oh.
Gypsy: Are you mad?
Crow T. Robot: [gruffly] NO! [normal]
Crow T. Robot: No.
Gypsy: Good. Because I want to like you, but I just don't understand where you're coming from.
Crow T. Robot: Sure... Uh... What's not to get, though Gypsy? I just am. I hang out.
Gypsy: Ohh. Oh. I know. It's just that, well, you know, I don't really get you.
Crow T. Robot: Well, okay... Maybe I can help. To start with, uh, I'm a robot. I use cyber-based bubble memory. Is THAT what's confusing you?
Gypsy: Uhh... No.
Crow T. Robot: Is it that I work off UNIX and can use a variety of operating systems?
Gypsy: Uhh... I guess that's a start...
Crow T. Robot: Well... I've undergone a complex personal evolution wherein painful confusion has given way to what I like to think of as some degree of wisdom culminating in my current Zarasthustrian sense of self. Is that it?
Gypsy: Nooo... If that helps you, its good, but...
Crow T. Robot: Gypsy! I don't know what... Is it that I often panic when making sandwiches?
Gypsy: Yeah! Well maybe its that kind of thing...
Crow T. Robot: Is it that I smell conspiracy in everything and I don't know what I mean most of the time?
Gypsy: Uh, that's perhaps a small piece of the puzzle... but...
Crow T. Robot: Gypsy... Is it an odor?
Gypsy: No. Well... No. Well... maybe it's TOM I don't get!
Crow T. Robot: [losing it] Ohhhh brother! Like a Zippo lighter without any flint!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Gypsy: Jumpsuit...? Fool...? They're going to kill Joel! They're going to kill Joel! They're going to kill Joel! Help! What do I do? What do I do? I gotta get him outta here! They're gonna kill him! Help!... Easy, girl! Take it easy. Calm down, breathe through your nose... Here we go... That does it. Easy does it... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... Okay... They're going to kill Joel! Ahhhh!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Gypsy: Now I understand why he's so sick. Boy, I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with bitch!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Bobo: Nelson, I see your point. You may be onto something. The Universe is in danger but don't you worry, no-siree Bob, I'm on the job. I'll stop these two wretched creatures and foil their little plan. I'll mmm-hmm-hmm-mmm.
Mike Nelson: Well, again we're doomed.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Bobo: Well Mike, that Gypsy ratted you out, looks like you're going down. [beat]
Bobo: Do you like pancakes?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Bobo: You bet there's something wrong! The Lawgiver went on vacation and left us with... a babysitter. Look!
Steffi: Why won't you play with the blocks?
Observer: I don't want to play with blocks. It's insulting! I have an infinite intellect.
Steffi: I think you're a little crabby and you might need a time-out to think about it.
Observer: No, I can't stand time-outs. The silence! The desolation!
Steffi: Okay, are you going to play nice with the blocks?
Observer: Allright, Steffi. You win... this time.
Bobo: You see, it's horrible! And she calls me Fluffykins and treats me like an animal.
Steffi: Hey, did you chew this?
Bobo: Um... yes.
Steffi: No! No chew! No. God, man... There's hair everywhere!
Bobo: Please don't treat me like this. I'm a distinguished professor of antropology from a future where apes evolved from men.
Steffi: No chew! Go lie down!
Bobo: Oh, Ok.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: (singing) Come sit by me, and Satan too, he's your friend and mine!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [Describing his funeral] Dignity, smignity, I want elephants, LOTS of them.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [during a short on General Motors] This is a rebuttal to "Roger and Me".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [during a showing of Pietro Francisci's "Hercules"] They came across a pack of Trojans in the road.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [Kalgan runs over Lea Jansen] *That* was for not knowing anything about ancient dentistry!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [mimicking the hero] Huh, she sucks. Of course, everyone sucks compared to me, I should give her a break.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [pointing out an exhibit at an international fair which resembles France's Arc de Triomphe] Oh, look it's the Arc de Full Retreat.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000