Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Tom Servo: It's just a simple matter of "What the hell is going on?"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: It's the only landscape I know that's enhanced by telephone poles.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: I've asked Joel if he'd raise the level on my sarcasm sequencer.
Joel: [using screwdriver on back of Tom's dome] That ought to do it.
Tom Servo: Oh, yes. Oh, while you're at it, why don't you keep digging into my back? A warm, relaxing massage with a screwdriver? Oooooooh, sign me up for that!
Crow: I think it's working.
Tom Servo: The great Crow speaks? Oooooooh, let me anoint your beak with scented oils. Membership in the Crow Fan Club? Oh, it's dream come true for me. Ooooh...
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in fifteen seconds.
Tom Servo: Commercials? Oh boy, I can't wait. Thirty-second materialistic sound bites that insult our intelligence? Ooooooh, give me more of those!
Joel: Uh, I'm gonna have to adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer. We'll be back after that.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... commercial sign now.
Tom Servo: Oh, is the great Joel Robinson going to honor me with his attention? A blessing in disguise? I don't think so! Oh, did a little harder, Joel, I can't feel the pain yet.
Crow: You've got him uh, set on uh, constant sarcasm, and you're gonna want to have him on random. Pretty much, I think.
Joel: Uh, duh, no kidding. Yeah, I put him on random sarcasm, so he'll only be sarcastic at the appropriate time. Like uh, when someone mentions, uh, like, uh, Pia Zadora?
Tom Servo: Well, actually, I think making fun of her has become a clichÈ. Everybody does it. And you know, in her favor, she was in a John Waters film, you guys.
Joel: Okay, well, what about... ummm... Dan Quayle?
Tom Servo: Oh, look, Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy, but everybody and their sister has come up with a sarcastic Dan Quayle quip. It's just too easy.
Joel: I'm not even gonna mention G
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Joel, what chance do we have in a world that keeps presenting us with vivid images of hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of conviction, those have been known to work. And then there's the time the country rallies together to beat back hell, like the time we as a nation said no to Yahoo Serious.
Crow T. Robot: I remember that. All of us together, drawn inexplicably to the slobbering mouth of hell, and then suddenly, somehow, by some unknown force, rescued in the nick of time, like Moses and the Israelites.
Tom Servo: Now who in creation is powerful enough to do that?
Crow T. Robot: [imitating Goliath] Gee Davey, do you think it was... God?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the world's least successful werewolf.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Let's recap the action so far.
Joel: Uh, nothing really.
Tom Servo: Okay, moving on.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Live fast, die young, and leave a fat, bloated, ugly corpse.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to send a killer vampire into the crowd.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Mike, if I go into a coma while watching this movie, please do NOT take any extreme measures to revive me.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Much worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Giant Gila Monster"?
Tom Servo: Oh, a whole lot worse.
Joel: "The Manchingo Coniglium"?
Tom Servo: Oh, huh?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, "Teenagers from Outer Space" was much, much better!
Tom Servo: [pause] It's a ton worse.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Never, under any circumstances, drive with your butt-cheeks.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Nothing like an invigorating swim with a corpse in the morning.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Oh God, here we go. The old "I could have been a dancer" story.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Oh I hope they end up togther... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Oh, so that's why you had me kill my girlfriend, so I could see the CLOSET?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Oh, teen-age youth, as opposed to the teen-age elderly?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Okay, I'm nude and I'm still trapped in the castle.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Okay, what are we looking at and why are we looking at it?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: One good thing about the apocalypse - always plenty of parking.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Ow! You shot my butt! What the hell? You shot me in the butt!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000