Never Mind the Buzzcocks Quotes
Mark: Give it to Bill.
Toyah: I already have.
Mark: I meant the song!
Toyah: I already have.
Mark: I meant the song!
Movie: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Phill Jupitus: Stand up a minute.
Simon Amstell: Why, what's wrong with me?
Phill Jupitus: You look like you've been drawn by children. [childishly]
Phill Jupitus: This is a man in a suit. I've got lots of brown so [manically]
Phill Jupitus: Here's his hair.
Simon Amstell: That's what I was going for.
Simon Amstell: Why, what's wrong with me?
Phill Jupitus: You look like you've been drawn by children. [childishly]
Phill Jupitus: This is a man in a suit. I've got lots of brown so [manically]
Phill Jupitus: Here's his hair.
Simon Amstell: That's what I was going for.
Movie: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon Amstell: [sadly] Everyone knows Courtney Love apart from me.
Noel Fielding: She'd crush you like a Twiglet.
Simon Amstell: She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide.
Simon Amstell: [Noel Fielding's mouth is agape while an on-screen disclaimer reads: Simon Amstell is definitely wrong] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I don't know what I'm saying.
Noel Fielding: She'd crush you like a Twiglet.
Simon Amstell: She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide.
Simon Amstell: [Noel Fielding's mouth is agape while an on-screen disclaimer reads: Simon Amstell is definitely wrong] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I don't know what I'm saying.
Movie: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Trisha Goddard: I notice that the bride's dress is by Sluts R Us.
Phill Jupitus: Yeah, says you.
Trisha Goddard: Oh you like it. Boys like that sort of thing, don't they.
Jeremy Clarkson: What's the matter with it?
Trisha Goddard: Well, she's practically showing her front botty.
Phill Jupitus: Trisha, on your show you have people who knob animals.
Trisha Goddard: No, we don't.
Phill Jupitus: I 'heart' badgers. The Trisha special.
Bill Bailey: When was that on? Must have missed that one.
Phill Jupitus: Yeah, says you.
Trisha Goddard: Oh you like it. Boys like that sort of thing, don't they.
Jeremy Clarkson: What's the matter with it?
Trisha Goddard: Well, she's practically showing her front botty.
Phill Jupitus: Trisha, on your show you have people who knob animals.
Trisha Goddard: No, we don't.
Phill Jupitus: I 'heart' badgers. The Trisha special.
Bill Bailey: When was that on? Must have missed that one.
Movie: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Rick Wakeman and Bill Bailey are dancing to 'Dancing on the ceiling' by Lionel Richie]
Trisha Goddard: Neither of them can dance, can they?
Bill Bailey: Hey!
Trisha Goddard: Dance like dads at the school disco.
Bill Bailey: That is an internationally accepted form of dancing.
Trisha Goddard: Neither of them can dance, can they?
Bill Bailey: Hey!
Trisha Goddard: Dance like dads at the school disco.
Bill Bailey: That is an internationally accepted form of dancing.
Movie: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Jonas: They only way you could injure yourself with peanut butter is if you were wanking with it.
Phill: Yeah, but only if you use crunchy....
Jonas: I've tried both and believe me, it happens with both.
Simon: What are you talking about, Robin Hood?
Phill: I actually like it with jam...peanut butter, not wanking.
Jonas: Out in the forest we didn't have peanut butter so we used, like, rabbit skin...
Phill: Is this a more adult Robin Hood?
Bill: Robin of Hollyoaks...after dark.
Simon: "Where's Friar Tuck?", "He's screwing a tree."
Phill: Yeah, but only if you use crunchy....
Jonas: I've tried both and believe me, it happens with both.
Simon: What are you talking about, Robin Hood?
Phill: I actually like it with jam...peanut butter, not wanking.
Jonas: Out in the forest we didn't have peanut butter so we used, like, rabbit skin...
Phill: Is this a more adult Robin Hood?
Bill: Robin of Hollyoaks...after dark.
Simon: "Where's Friar Tuck?", "He's screwing a tree."
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Guessing a song]
Jonas: Is it Northern?
Phill: ooh?
Jonas: It is...Stone Roses, "Sally Cinnamon"
Nick: Ahh...
Jonas: "Shes a Waterfall"!! Waterfall, Waterfall!
Simon: Jonas, I would have given you a point...but you were a bit smug about it.
Jonas: I wasn't smug!
Simon: "I know it. It's Northern, The Stone Roses, with blah blah WRONG!"
Jonas: Is it Northern?
Phill: ooh?
Jonas: It is...Stone Roses, "Sally Cinnamon"
Nick: Ahh...
Jonas: "Shes a Waterfall"!! Waterfall, Waterfall!
Simon: Jonas, I would have given you a point...but you were a bit smug about it.
Jonas: I wasn't smug!
Simon: "I know it. It's Northern, The Stone Roses, with blah blah WRONG!"
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Guessing another song]
Nick: [Singing] I wonder why...
Jonas: I wonder why!
Simon: I will not stand for cheating!
Jonas: That's it, isn't it?
Simon: I can not give you this point, Jonas.
Joans: Why not?!
Simon: Because you stole it!
Jonas: You said I could have another go, so I did!
Simon: You had another go and then he, [points to Nick] he spoke with his mouth!
Nick: [Singing] I wonder why...
Jonas: I wonder why!
Simon: I will not stand for cheating!
Jonas: That's it, isn't it?
Simon: I can not give you this point, Jonas.
Joans: Why not?!
Simon: Because you stole it!
Jonas: You said I could have another go, so I did!
Simon: You had another go and then he, [points to Nick] he spoke with his mouth!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Jonas: I swear to God, I didn't even look at him...
Simon: You are a liar and a thief.
Dom: Easy, Robin, leave it. Leave it...
Bill: Not so merry now, are you!?
Simon: You are a liar and a thief.
Dom: Easy, Robin, leave it. Leave it...
Bill: Not so merry now, are you!?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Sinitta: I love Kate, but I'd love her job.
Simon: Hmmm.
Sinitta: Why don't you like her?
Simon: She doesn't appear to be human.
Simon: Hmmm.
Sinitta: Why don't you like her?
Simon: She doesn't appear to be human.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Phill: I sit here, Simon, week after week, being your quiz whore...
Simon: Yes.
Simon: Yes.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[After Rik Waller from the line up swaps places with Phill]
Nick: There's no answer anymore...
Simon: To be honest-
Nick: What shall I do? What shall I do?
Simon: I'm very confused. There is no doubt about it that that [He looks at Rik sitting in Phill's place] is Rik Waller... Yet we have a line up of people...
Phill: When you say will he step forward, he can't 'cause he's not here. It's a conundrum, Simon.
Simon: Why didn't I spend more time at presenting school?! What are we going to do...quick, Sinitta, stand on a ball!!
Nick: There's no answer anymore...
Simon: To be honest-
Nick: What shall I do? What shall I do?
Simon: I'm very confused. There is no doubt about it that that [He looks at Rik sitting in Phill's place] is Rik Waller... Yet we have a line up of people...
Phill: When you say will he step forward, he can't 'cause he's not here. It's a conundrum, Simon.
Simon: Why didn't I spend more time at presenting school?! What are we going to do...quick, Sinitta, stand on a ball!!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: How does you theme go?
Jonas: It hasn't got lyrics...
Phill: "He's the bitch of Sherwood forest! He's gonna bust an arrow in yo' ass!"
Jonas: It hasn't got lyrics...
Phill: "He's the bitch of Sherwood forest! He's gonna bust an arrow in yo' ass!"
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Correct. Bryan Adams from the Robin Hood Prince of Thieves film...
Jonas: Yeah, yeah...
Simon: ...with the irreplaceable Kevin Costner.
Jonas: Yeah, yeah...
Simon: ...with the irreplaceable Kevin Costner.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: [Reading an intro] "Lights going out, a kick in the balls..."?
Dom: "That's entertainment".
Simon: Correct. That's Entertainment by The Jam. That's not entertainment...standing on a ball, that's entertainment.
Dom: "That's entertainment".
Simon: Correct. That's Entertainment by The Jam. That's not entertainment...standing on a ball, that's entertainment.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests Bonnie Tyler, Mel C, Adam Buxton, Krishnan Guru-Murthy
With guests Bonnie Tyler, Mel C, Adam Buxton, Krishnan Guru-Murthy
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[After watching a video]
Simon: That was Babyshambles with "Fuck Forever". I find that suggestion obscene and impractical.
Simon: That was Babyshambles with "Fuck Forever". I find that suggestion obscene and impractical.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About Pete Doherty]
Mel C: Have you seen his fingernails? Would you ever let those fingernails anywhere near you? They're dirty.
Simon: But you could clean his fingernails and then use them...
Mel C: Have you seen his fingernails? Would you ever let those fingernails anywhere near you? They're dirty.
Simon: But you could clean his fingernails and then use them...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About his experience with drugs]
Adam: Mushrooms, jesus, yeah, I did some mushrooms, can I just tell you? 'Cause, uh, no one told me what kind of dose you're supposed to take. You know, because I fell into the bad crowd at university. Don't go to university, kids. It's a disaster. And uh, they said, like, "Let's do some mushies!". I said, "I don't want to do too many, because drugs frighten me. I don't want to get off my head completely, I just want to get a bit giggly". They said "All right, just want to get a bit giggly...take a hundred". So I had a hundred fucking mushrooms...and so, went to Mars, you know. And that was the night that my scrotum shriveled up to the size of a pea. I had to spend the rest of the week just, like, looking at photographs of myself, my friends and family to try and remember who I fucking was. Nightmare. Don't ever, ever do it!
Simon: Good message there from the BBC.
Adam: Mushrooms, jesus, yeah, I did some mushrooms, can I just tell you? 'Cause, uh, no one told me what kind of dose you're supposed to take. You know, because I fell into the bad crowd at university. Don't go to university, kids. It's a disaster. And uh, they said, like, "Let's do some mushies!". I said, "I don't want to do too many, because drugs frighten me. I don't want to get off my head completely, I just want to get a bit giggly". They said "All right, just want to get a bit giggly...take a hundred". So I had a hundred fucking mushrooms...and so, went to Mars, you know. And that was the night that my scrotum shriveled up to the size of a pea. I had to spend the rest of the week just, like, looking at photographs of myself, my friends and family to try and remember who I fucking was. Nightmare. Don't ever, ever do it!
Simon: Good message there from the BBC.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Bonnie: How many Nellies does it take to change a nightbulb?
Bill: A nightbulb?
Bonnie: A lightbulb. I'd like you know, Simon! How many Nellies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Bill: I don't know! I don't know, Bonnie. How many Nellies-
Bonnie: How many Manchester United players does it take...to change a lightbulb?
Bill: I don't know... How many Manchester United players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Bonnie: Two. One from the team, the one from the...uh...the guy who goes to fetch the other one in red...
[Bill looks bewildered]
Simon: Should we pump your stomach? I don't know what to do.
Bill: A nightbulb?
Bonnie: A lightbulb. I'd like you know, Simon! How many Nellies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Bill: I don't know! I don't know, Bonnie. How many Nellies-
Bonnie: How many Manchester United players does it take...to change a lightbulb?
Bill: I don't know... How many Manchester United players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Bonnie: Two. One from the team, the one from the...uh...the guy who goes to fetch the other one in red...
[Bill looks bewildered]
Simon: Should we pump your stomach? I don't know what to do.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Phill: Why do they always have to sit on their cars?
Chris: I just wish there's more of a uh kind of a modest rapper who'd be leaning up against a Smart Car.
Chris: I just wish there's more of a uh kind of a modest rapper who'd be leaning up against a Smart Car.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Chris: Have you met my girlfriend?
Simon: Is she nice?
Chris: You would remember her.
Simon: Oh really? Is she quite a looker?
Bill: She's..18-foot..high..
Chris: She's got these crazy eyes.
Phill: 9 of 'em.
Chris: Oh this is the right time to ask.
Simon: Is she nice?
Chris: You would remember her.
Simon: Oh really? Is she quite a looker?
Bill: She's..18-foot..high..
Chris: She's got these crazy eyes.
Phill: 9 of 'em.
Chris: Oh this is the right time to ask.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Bill: [To Krishnan] How do you stand with all the channel four, the whole business, you know, the terrible, you know-
Simon: Bill, it's six weeks ago.
Bill: What?
Simon: The racism.
Bill: Six weeks ago?!
Simon: This is going out in six weeks.
Bill: Don't, don't say that!
Simon: What?
Bill: Don't say it's six weeks ago when it's now, man. You're fucking up with my head! It's now in my head!
Simon: I just don't want you to waste-
Bill: Oh, so let's talk about things that might happen in the future!! Blimey, them new hover trousers are great, aren't they? Bonnie, how's the new perfume range?
Bonnie: Nobody's asked me to launch one...
Bill: They have, 'cause it's in the FUTURE!! He said it was the future!! The Time Lord! Yes, Bonnie's perfume is going very well, thank you, Simon. Now let's carry on as if nothing happened, nobody's any the wiser!!
Simon: Bill, it's six weeks ago.
Bill: What?
Simon: The racism.
Bill: Six weeks ago?!
Simon: This is going out in six weeks.
Bill: Don't, don't say that!
Simon: What?
Bill: Don't say it's six weeks ago when it's now, man. You're fucking up with my head! It's now in my head!
Simon: I just don't want you to waste-
Bill: Oh, so let's talk about things that might happen in the future!! Blimey, them new hover trousers are great, aren't they? Bonnie, how's the new perfume range?
Bonnie: Nobody's asked me to launch one...
Bill: They have, 'cause it's in the FUTURE!! He said it was the future!! The Time Lord! Yes, Bonnie's perfume is going very well, thank you, Simon. Now let's carry on as if nothing happened, nobody's any the wiser!!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Do you put condoms on a man when you have intercourse?
Mel C: Do you?
[audience laughs]
Simon: ...we just cuddle.
Mel C: Do you?
[audience laughs]
Simon: ...we just cuddle.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Khrishnan, what do you think we should do about hunger?
Khrishnan: Feed people.
Khrishnan: Feed people.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: [Reading off the auto-cue]...She's not the only one promoting...I'll start again. There was a cough there, a cough!! How can I do this when there's coughing!?! [To Krishnan] Do you ever have coughing in the Channel 4 studio?
Krishnan: We don't have an audience.
Simon: Don't have an audience? That's a bloody good idea.
Krishnan: We don't have an audience.
Simon: Don't have an audience? That's a bloody good idea.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I don't want to upset Bonnie...
Mel C: But you don't mind upsetting me?
Simon: Ah, no, because you're not a drunk...anything could happen.
Bonnie: My big sister will come here and tell you off.
Simon: What does she drink?
Mel C: But you don't mind upsetting me?
Simon: Ah, no, because you're not a drunk...anything could happen.
Bonnie: My big sister will come here and tell you off.
Simon: What does she drink?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Now with the weather, here's Bonnie.
Bonnie: What?
[Laughter]
Bonnie: Over here, [She points at Bill's chest] it's going to be very warm...and down here, [She points to Bill's groin] it's going to be ice cold. Up here, [She points to Bill's head] there's been a lot of wind...
Bonnie: What?
[Laughter]
Bonnie: Over here, [She points at Bill's chest] it's going to be very warm...and down here, [She points to Bill's groin] it's going to be ice cold. Up here, [She points to Bill's head] there's been a lot of wind...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: [Reading an intro] "Turn around..."?
Bonnie: Bright eyes.
Simon: Not what I've got here.
Bonnie: Oh. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely when I dream of something wild.
Simon: No.
Bonnie: Every now and then I fall apart.
Simon: No.
Bonnie: Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.
Simon: ...Correct. Okay, next one..."Turn around..."?
Bonnie: Bright eyes.
Simon: Not what I've got here.
Bonnie: Oh. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely when I dream of something wild.
Simon: No.
Bonnie: Every now and then I fall apart.
Simon: No.
Bonnie: Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.
Simon: ...Correct. Okay, next one..."Turn around..."?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests Joel Pott, Kimberly Stewart, Jessica Hynes, Lethal Bizzle
With guests Joel Pott, Kimberly Stewart, Jessica Hynes, Lethal Bizzle
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks