Never Mind the Buzzcocks Quotes
Barrowman: [Singing] Oh, high on a hill with a great big dildo! [Yodelling]
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Lily Allen, Jamelia, Steve Strange, Mark Watson
With guests Lily Allen, Jamelia, Steve Strange, Mark Watson
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Introducing Lily Allen]
Simon: Lily was expelled from five schools. At 14, she ran away to go to Glastonbury and she pushed pills in Ibiza. Well, I stole my brother's Care Bear, but I don't go on about it. And he's still looking for it. You square!
Simon: Lily was expelled from five schools. At 14, she ran away to go to Glastonbury and she pushed pills in Ibiza. Well, I stole my brother's Care Bear, but I don't go on about it. And he's still looking for it. You square!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[After Steve Strange has been rambling on]
Simon: I should explain... Steve is a recovering heroin addict.
Simon: I should explain... Steve is a recovering heroin addict.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About Catherine Zeta-Jones]
Lily: The future's bright; her husband's orange.
Lily: The future's bright; her husband's orange.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About Catherine Zeta-Jones]
Simon: So, what have we pixelated?
Lily: I think it's her morals.
Simon: So, what have we pixelated?
Lily: I think it's her morals.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About Catherine Zeta-Jones]
Steve: I think it's a mirror image of a disco ball.
Simon: You know...we pixelated it?
Steve: I think it's a mirror image of a disco ball.
Simon: You know...we pixelated it?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: So we're starting a war with the So-Solid crew.
Phill: Simon, we can't take on da Crew!
Simon: Yeah we can, Bill. What about it? Why don't Bill and I come around and sleep with your wives? And Phill, he's loaded and ready to go! Lets go! I'm coming over with my sex men!
Bill: I have the ears of death!
Simon: And I have a penis! What have you got Phill?
Phill: I've got 300 pounds that you probably won't be able to get from underneath. So it's not a shag, it's more a fight for survival!
Phill: Simon, we can't take on da Crew!
Simon: Yeah we can, Bill. What about it? Why don't Bill and I come around and sleep with your wives? And Phill, he's loaded and ready to go! Lets go! I'm coming over with my sex men!
Bill: I have the ears of death!
Simon: And I have a penis! What have you got Phill?
Phill: I've got 300 pounds that you probably won't be able to get from underneath. So it's not a shag, it's more a fight for survival!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Javine was one of the most boring people I've ever interviewed. And I've interviewed Ronan Keating.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Do it again, Jamelia, do the sexy moves.
Bill: And I'll provide the eye candy.
Bill: And I'll provide the eye candy.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Jamelia: I love Lily, I think she's wicked, but I did ask for an edited version of Lily's album for my daughter, and Lily said she hopes she's not paying for it.
Lily: No, I just said... [laughter] Not being funny, Jamelia, but I didn't make my album for your child.
[All go 'Ooohhhh...']
Mark: Call her a slag, call her a slag!
[All go 'Yeahhh...']
Lily: No, I just said... [laughter] Not being funny, Jamelia, but I didn't make my album for your child.
[All go 'Ooohhhh...']
Mark: Call her a slag, call her a slag!
[All go 'Yeahhh...']
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Talking about the line up]
Bill: Number five is the proprietor of a remote guest house. "Yeeaass? There's room in the east wing. Eehaha! Would you like me to run you a bath? Breakfast is served between 7: 00 and 7: 03...ON MY BACK Eeeeahahahahaha!!"
Bill: Number five is the proprietor of a remote guest house. "Yeeaass? There's room in the east wing. Eehaha! Would you like me to run you a bath? Breakfast is served between 7: 00 and 7: 03...ON MY BACK Eeeeahahahahaha!!"
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: [Reading in intro] "Love is like a butterfly..."?
Bill: You...put a pin through it's back.
Bill: You...put a pin through it's back.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[During the timed round "Next Lines']
Lily: Can we just move on to the ones I know, come on, please!
Simon: [Pauses] You know what you need?
Lily: No, Simon! Just move on, no!
Simon: Come with me...[He pulls her up] You need a hug. Yeah, yeah. I know - I know that - [She starts to pull away but he pulls her back] stay in it - I know you feel you have issues with intimacy. You feel that you're not loved. You have a hundred thousand friends on MySpace but are they really friends that you can touch, no, I'm touching you now. Okay? Everyone loves you here, you don't need points, you can just be you.
Lily: Okay.
[They sit. The time runs out]
Simon: Time up, I'm afraid.
Lily: No!!
Lily: Can we just move on to the ones I know, come on, please!
Simon: [Pauses] You know what you need?
Lily: No, Simon! Just move on, no!
Simon: Come with me...[He pulls her up] You need a hug. Yeah, yeah. I know - I know that - [She starts to pull away but he pulls her back] stay in it - I know you feel you have issues with intimacy. You feel that you're not loved. You have a hundred thousand friends on MySpace but are they really friends that you can touch, no, I'm touching you now. Okay? Everyone loves you here, you don't need points, you can just be you.
Lily: Okay.
[They sit. The time runs out]
Simon: Time up, I'm afraid.
Lily: No!!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Danny Jones, David Gest, Dan Gillespie Sells, Jenni Falconer
With guests Danny Jones, David Gest, Dan Gillespie Sells, Jenni Falconer
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About surnames]
Phill: Danny, did they say "We're looking for celebrity Joneses"?
Danny: No.
Simon: Danny's surname is "from McFly".
Phill: Danny, did they say "We're looking for celebrity Joneses"?
Danny: No.
Simon: Danny's surname is "from McFly".
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About David Gest's friend Michael Jackson]
David: Be nice to him.
Bill: Awwww, be nice to the baby-dangling freak....Sorry, sorry, it just slipped out.
[Laughter]
Simon: He didn't mean it, did he? He loves that child. He just wanted the people to see! And if he drops it...so? The fans need something!
David: Be nice to him.
Bill: Awwww, be nice to the baby-dangling freak....Sorry, sorry, it just slipped out.
[Laughter]
Simon: He didn't mean it, did he? He loves that child. He just wanted the people to see! And if he drops it...so? The fans need something!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: David, you must have met Grace Jones. Or married her?
David: So far, Michael Jackson...should we keep going? I'm keeping count.
Simon: That's your type though, slightly unhinged gay icon, right? Have you met Grace Jones?
David: No.
Simon: Call yourself a starfucker?
David: So far, Michael Jackson...should we keep going? I'm keeping count.
Simon: That's your type though, slightly unhinged gay icon, right? Have you met Grace Jones?
David: No.
Simon: Call yourself a starfucker?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I'm a big fan of Michael Jackson.
David: Not any more.
Simon: Why not?
David: 'Cause you put him down.
Simon: No I didn't, it was that man over there.
[Bill waves]
Simon: I love Michael Jackson...and I hate babies, so...
David: Not any more.
Simon: Why not?
David: 'Cause you put him down.
Simon: No I didn't, it was that man over there.
[Bill waves]
Simon: I love Michael Jackson...and I hate babies, so...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Talking about David's love life]
David: I'm seeing someone but I'm still ready to go.
Simon: What do you mean?
David: She's a business woman.
Simon: Oh, I see, a prostitute! [Laughter]...Sometimes I'm so ashamed of what I say.
David: I'm seeing someone but I'm still ready to go.
Simon: What do you mean?
David: She's a business woman.
Simon: Oh, I see, a prostitute! [Laughter]...Sometimes I'm so ashamed of what I say.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About a naked picture of Danny]
Simon: I'm not happy about it, Danny. When did the music of McFly become about cupping your testicles in front of whooping homosexuals?
[Later]
Danny: Haven't you got another picture of me?
Simon: I'm not happy about it, Danny. When did the music of McFly become about cupping your testicles in front of whooping homosexuals?
[Later]
Danny: Haven't you got another picture of me?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[After playing medieval instruments]
Danny: I've never played things like that before.
Simon: Instruments.
Danny: I've never played things like that before.
Simon: Instruments.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: So I was in the cinema two weeks ago. Chris Martin from Coldplay walks past me and says, "Hey, you're a cool guy". I said, [In a high pitched voice] "You're cool!"... I felt like he was going to turn around and say, "I've misjudged you...".
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I forgot to say, as it's a Christmas special, for every song you don't get right, an orphan gets beaten. Merry Christmas!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: [lighting a Menorah] I'm just lighting candles for the baby Jesus.
Phill: [mocking] Your people killed him.
[Laughter]
Phill: I don't mean your mum and dad, I mean, because that would be terrible and I would think they would have told you by now.
Simon: I have no regrets, he deserved it.
Bill Bailey: Merry Christmas everybody!
Phill: [mocking] Your people killed him.
[Laughter]
Phill: I don't mean your mum and dad, I mean, because that would be terrible and I would think they would have told you by now.
Simon: I have no regrets, he deserved it.
Bill Bailey: Merry Christmas everybody!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon Amstell: I forgot to tell you we've had a letter in the Daily Express! I'm very proud of this: "Why are so many BBC comedies unwatchable? Catherine Tate is full of swearing, and Never Mind The Buzzcocks contains gay filth!"
[Audience cheers]
[Bill and Phill shake Simon's hand]
Phill: Well, done. Congratulations.
Bill: Congratulations on the gay filth!
[Audience cheers]
[Bill and Phill shake Simon's hand]
Phill: Well, done. Congratulations.
Bill: Congratulations on the gay filth!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About Jamelia]
Simon: There seemed to be slight disbelief when I said she went to hospital for laughing to much. People were thinking, "On this show?!" Yes, on this show! I'll give you all hernias!
Simon: There seemed to be slight disbelief when I said she went to hospital for laughing to much. People were thinking, "On this show?!" Yes, on this show! I'll give you all hernias!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks