Never Mind the Buzzcocks Quotes
Simon: You've heard what the other Jew...you've heard what the other Jew...You've heard what the Jew said! Ah, dear. You've heard what the other two judges said...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: From all of us here, whichever religion you are, remember, only one can be right, so...let's have a war! Happy Christmas!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[On Surnames]
Bill: Are you an actually an actual Falconer?
Jenni: Yes.
Bill: Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuulll! FalcoFalcoFalcoFalcoFalcoFalco! Faaaaaaaaauuuulll! Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Falcons, Hawks and Falcons, Eagles, Eagles, Hawks and Falcons...Owls!
Bill: Are you an actually an actual Falconer?
Jenni: Yes.
Bill: Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuulll! FalcoFalcoFalcoFalcoFalcoFalco! Faaaaaaaaauuuulll! Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Falcons, Hawks and Falcons, Eagles, Eagles, Hawks and Falcons...Owls!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Matt Baker, Alan Davies, Nerina Pallot, Chris Peck
With guests Matt Baker, Alan Davies, Nerina Pallot, Chris Peck
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About Pink]
Alan: She's in a basque that's unconnected.
Phill: She's wearing underwear as outerwear.
Chris: I still think she looks like Kiefer Sutherland in Lost Boys.
Alan: She's in a basque that's unconnected.
Phill: She's wearing underwear as outerwear.
Chris: I still think she looks like Kiefer Sutherland in Lost Boys.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: What are you saying Davies, the questions are too easy!?
Alan: Yes.
Simon: This show isn't so highbrow, but we like to say "Ohh, Robbie Williams is a tit!" That's what people like!
Alan: He's not a tit, he's quite nice.
Simon: Robbie Williams?
Alan: Yeah.
Simon: Oh, oh, you lose a point!
Alan: Yes.
Simon: This show isn't so highbrow, but we like to say "Ohh, Robbie Williams is a tit!" That's what people like!
Alan: He's not a tit, he's quite nice.
Simon: Robbie Williams?
Alan: Yeah.
Simon: Oh, oh, you lose a point!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Was there ever any lewd behavior on Blue Peter?
Bill: Yeah, did it ever get blue?
Matt: Uh...well actually I tell you what, I ended up in a sauna once being whipped by the bus driver with some birch twigs...
Bill: Yeah, did it ever get blue?
Matt: Uh...well actually I tell you what, I ended up in a sauna once being whipped by the bus driver with some birch twigs...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I watched Blue Peter once when I was a kid, I think it was about morris dancing and making some...nonsense...
Matt: Oh yeah?
Simon: Turned me onto glue.
Matt: Oh yeah?
Simon: Turned me onto glue.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Bill: [To Nerina] You can slag off anyone you like, with impunity. I'll start us off. Right: D'you hear this, right, the other day, Chris de Burgh on Loose Ends, he slagged me off. Ned goes "Blah blah blah, heard about that Bill Bailey?" in his way, and he goes "Yes. I've heard he's very ugly. And he hasn't got much hair."
Phill: Is that all that the troll had to work with?
Bill: That is all the-
Phill: Mono-brow freak monster.
Bill: Yeah. Mono-browed, nanny-shagging, toss-monger!!...Who has inflicted...his sentimental mewlings on a reluctant nation!!...[To Nerina] There you go, on you go.
Phill: Is that all that the troll had to work with?
Bill: That is all the-
Phill: Mono-brow freak monster.
Bill: Yeah. Mono-browed, nanny-shagging, toss-monger!!...Who has inflicted...his sentimental mewlings on a reluctant nation!!...[To Nerina] There you go, on you go.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I should explain to home viewers...this show was recorded in November and we've been assured that Nerina, by now, is famous.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[During the Intros round]
Nerina: It was groovy but it was a bit fast.
Bill: It was a bit fast, oh okay. Let's take it down. Let's lay it down. Let's take some juice out of the old mango.
Nerina: It was groovy but it was a bit fast.
Bill: It was a bit fast, oh okay. Let's take it down. Let's lay it down. Let's take some juice out of the old mango.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About the line up]
Alan: I don't think it's number one. I don't think it's number two or number three...I also don't think it's number four or number five.
Alan: I don't think it's number one. I don't think it's number two or number three...I also don't think it's number four or number five.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[After choosing number 4]
Phill: Can I just say, I saw a flash in the eye of number two...so let's watch what happens.
Simon: Do you just want to pick number two?
Phill: No. We picked number four...but I'm watching number two.
Phill: Can I just say, I saw a flash in the eye of number two...so let's watch what happens.
Simon: Do you just want to pick number two?
Phill: No. We picked number four...but I'm watching number two.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Nerina: You'd appreciate this, number two's quite cute, isn't he?
Simon: Yes, I would because I...am a homosexual.
Nerina: No but, you'd...they won't know but he's quite nice, isn't he?
Bill: What d'you mean we won't know? We don't have to, you know, go over into the paddock to ride the horses.
Simon: Yes, I would because I...am a homosexual.
Nerina: No but, you'd...they won't know but he's quite nice, isn't he?
Bill: What d'you mean we won't know? We don't have to, you know, go over into the paddock to ride the horses.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Philip Olivier, Donny Tourette, Alfie Jackson, Noel Fielding
With guests Philip Olivier, Donny Tourette, Alfie Jackson, Noel Fielding
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Hello there and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Well, the world is still at war with itself. There seems to be no end to poverty and hunger. No cure for cancer or AIDS. And that's not to mention the ecological apocalypse we're facing. I don't know about you...but I'm in the mood for a bloody good pop quiz!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I should explain...Donny is a punk. Just in case anyone didn't know!
Donny: Ah, it's 'cause I'm not wearing the mohican...that you might not understand.
Bill: Right, it's more inside. It's a philosophy.
Donny: It's like, it's like a spike inside your gut.
Bill: Yeah, it's like a mohican on your pancreas, man!
Donny: D'you know what, just 'cause you haven't got the hair to pull it off, it doesn't mean that you can't be it.
Bill: No, man. I'm wearing my mohican, like, on the back of my head. Fuck everything! See? Fuck things! Fuck everything! See, pencils! See? [He picks one up and snaps it] Fuck it!
Simon: Down with Thatcher!
Donny: Ah, it's 'cause I'm not wearing the mohican...that you might not understand.
Bill: Right, it's more inside. It's a philosophy.
Donny: It's like, it's like a spike inside your gut.
Bill: Yeah, it's like a mohican on your pancreas, man!
Donny: D'you know what, just 'cause you haven't got the hair to pull it off, it doesn't mean that you can't be it.
Bill: No, man. I'm wearing my mohican, like, on the back of my head. Fuck everything! See? Fuck things! Fuck everything! See, pencils! See? [He picks one up and snaps it] Fuck it!
Simon: Down with Thatcher!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: [To Donny] I'm sensing you're going to be a peculiar nuisance this evening...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: So what connects the two?
Phill: What connects the two? What doesn't? Prosperous, black, rappers, drugs, firearms...
Simon: You're quite right, there are a lot of things that connects them. Really, the game should be called "What is written on my piece of paper?"
Phill: What connects the two? What doesn't? Prosperous, black, rappers, drugs, firearms...
Simon: You're quite right, there are a lot of things that connects them. Really, the game should be called "What is written on my piece of paper?"
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About The Kooks]
Noel: They said that they were Boosh fans to us. And they wanted some T-shirts. They were going to wear them on Top Of The Pops. And we didn't have any T-shirts, so I hand painted some...and I was supposed to meet their tour manager at, like, three in the morning in Camden. So I'm standing there on my own with hand painted T-shirts...and he didn't turn up! He just fell asleep! So, they didn't get any T-shirts-
Alfie: How long were you there for?
Noel: Oh...four minutes.
Noel: They said that they were Boosh fans to us. And they wanted some T-shirts. They were going to wear them on Top Of The Pops. And we didn't have any T-shirts, so I hand painted some...and I was supposed to meet their tour manager at, like, three in the morning in Camden. So I'm standing there on my own with hand painted T-shirts...and he didn't turn up! He just fell asleep! So, they didn't get any T-shirts-
Alfie: How long were you there for?
Noel: Oh...four minutes.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Talking about spooning]
Simon: There's a DJ Spoony on Radio One..
Alfie: There is...who's the last one on at night?
Phill: Westwood.
Alfie: Go to bed with Westwood, wake up with Moyles!
Bill Bailey: Waking up with Moyles? Ugh!
Noel: He's no spoon, is he?
Bill: No.
Noel: He's a shovel!
Simon: There's a DJ Spoony on Radio One..
Alfie: There is...who's the last one on at night?
Phill: Westwood.
Alfie: Go to bed with Westwood, wake up with Moyles!
Bill Bailey: Waking up with Moyles? Ugh!
Noel: He's no spoon, is he?
Bill: No.
Noel: He's a shovel!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Hello...Donny's put sunglasses on. That'll tell Thatcher!
Donny: D'you want a go?
[Simon puts the glasses on]
Donny: And now what you need to do is give it a little bit of that. [Makes strange gesture]
Simon: : [Does the gesture] And now I'm cool...
Donny: D'you want a go?
[Simon puts the glasses on]
Donny: And now what you need to do is give it a little bit of that. [Makes strange gesture]
Simon: : [Does the gesture] And now I'm cool...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Donny: You know you'd be quite happy at home on the streets
Bill: Yeah...
Donny: Though not that many people'd take pity on you...'cause you're pretty ugly.
Bill: Oooh!
Simon: [To Donny] I should explain: Bill is a professional comedian... [Pause as Simon tries to contain his amusement at Donny's stupidity] you won'twin!
Bill: Yeah...
Donny: Though not that many people'd take pity on you...'cause you're pretty ugly.
Bill: Oooh!
Simon: [To Donny] I should explain: Bill is a professional comedian... [Pause as Simon tries to contain his amusement at Donny's stupidity] you won'twin!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Donny tells a bad joke and the audience groans]
Donny: Oh for fuck's sake...not very sharp are you?
Simon: Yeah, it was definitely their fault.
Donny: Oh for fuck's sake...not very sharp are you?
Simon: Yeah, it was definitely their fault.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[After watching a video of Donny shouting]
Phillip: I like the way that you had all that aggression, and then at the end you just sat down and crossed your legs...
Phillip: I like the way that you had all that aggression, and then at the end you just sat down and crossed your legs...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I don't understand. Did he suggest that you couldn't dick on the Sex Pistols? I think, I think you can dick on them.
Donny: Well, I've got a dick...I'm here...
Simon: He has got a dick and he's here...I think that's the best we can hope for tonight.
Donny: Well, I've got a dick...I'm here...
Simon: He has got a dick and he's here...I think that's the best we can hope for tonight.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Have you got an answer?
Phill: You know what, I'm gonna take his answer. I don't know what it'll be, but none of us do!
Donny: I can't even remember the question.
Phill: Why did Prince end up in court over some purple paint? Your best guess, now!
Donny: ....Because his helmet turned blue?
Phill: Because, Simon... his helmet turned blue. Bring in the points, bitch! In the bag.
Simon: His helmet turned blue. [turns to camera, deliberately] You're wrong.
Phill: You know what, I'm gonna take his answer. I don't know what it'll be, but none of us do!
Donny: I can't even remember the question.
Phill: Why did Prince end up in court over some purple paint? Your best guess, now!
Donny: ....Because his helmet turned blue?
Phill: Because, Simon... his helmet turned blue. Bring in the points, bitch! In the bag.
Simon: His helmet turned blue. [turns to camera, deliberately] You're wrong.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Donny: The only reason I'm on the show is 'cause you told everyone you fancied me, dude!
Simon: It's not, it's 'cause we have difficulty booking people.
Simon: It's not, it's 'cause we have difficulty booking people.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Donny Tourette: [gripping his groin] This is what I think of you!
Simon: Really? You think me...a small penis? Well I never!
Simon: Really? You think me...a small penis? Well I never!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Simon is showing Philip's calendar full of risqué shots]
Simon: Are you at all upset, you know, when you saw the calendar...it was just pictures and none of your teachings?
Simon: Are you at all upset, you know, when you saw the calendar...it was just pictures and none of your teachings?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks