Never Mind the Buzzcocks Quotes
Simon: Donny just called me 'Anstis'. You know I'm not Toby Anstis, don't you?
Donny: I thought your name was Anstis?
Simon: Amstell... but you know it doesn't matter, I'll go with-
Donny: Amstell's a beer!
Simon: Yes!
Donny: I like beer.
Simon: And I like you...
Donny: I thought your name was Anstis?
Simon: Amstell... but you know it doesn't matter, I'll go with-
Donny: Amstell's a beer!
Simon: Yes!
Donny: I like beer.
Simon: And I like you...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Talking about a member of the identity parade]
Noel: Number five's not really been given a fair chance, has he? He's been given dungarees and a perm.
Bill: The international symbol of inbreeding.
Simon: How dare you!
Noel: Number five's not really been given a fair chance, has he? He's been given dungarees and a perm.
Bill: The international symbol of inbreeding.
Simon: How dare you!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Donny: My shades!
Simon: When he goes, you can have them back. Is that all right, do you want them back now? Are you gonna 'cause some sort of riot?!
Simon: When he goes, you can have them back. Is that all right, do you want them back now? Are you gonna 'cause some sort of riot?!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Noel: I like the authentic punk dance. That is like a child dizzy on lemonade.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Reading Next Lines]
Simon: "I am an Antichrist, I am an anarchist..."?
Phill: "I is -"
Donny: I am the walrus?
Simon: "I is I am the walrus," yes.
Simon: "I am an Antichrist, I am an anarchist..."?
Phill: "I is -"
Donny: I am the walrus?
Simon: "I is I am the walrus," yes.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Hang on a minute... Donny is smoking now!?!?! What is he going to do next!?!?! A cigarette! That you can legally buy in shops! I'll try to carry on but I am shocked and appalled!!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Donny is unhappy...
Donny: No, that's bullshit, they didn't win. You gave them easier questions 'cause they're retards.
Simon: Punks love points...
Bill: Yeah, "Smash the system but...can he have another point?". You're about as punk as Enya!
Donny: No, that's bullshit, they didn't win. You gave them easier questions 'cause they're retards.
Simon: Punks love points...
Bill: Yeah, "Smash the system but...can he have another point?". You're about as punk as Enya!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Preston, Fyfe Dangerfield, Ed Byrne, Anne Charleston,
Special guest Ed Seymour
With guests Preston, Fyfe Dangerfield, Ed Byrne, Anne Charleston,
Special guest Ed Seymour
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Ed: I love that you called him "Snoop Doggy Dogg"... It's Snoop Dogg.
Simon: Getting advice from the middle aged man in a hoodie...
Ed: The only person who'd call him Snoop Doggy Dogg is his mother and then only when he's in trouble..."Snoop Doggy Dogg! Clean these hoes out of your bedroom!"
Simon: Getting advice from the middle aged man in a hoodie...
Ed: The only person who'd call him Snoop Doggy Dogg is his mother and then only when he's in trouble..."Snoop Doggy Dogg! Clean these hoes out of your bedroom!"
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: So, Fyfe, your band is famous for using odd inst-...I say famous...are known...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Speaking about Fyfe's band mate]
Simon: I read in your bumph that she found the perfect bass note to give a lady an orgasm.
Fyfe: Well, she says...but she won't tell us what it is! Which is selfish, I think. I think it's an F sharp, though! [Laughs hysterically]
Simon: I read in your bumph that she found the perfect bass note to give a lady an orgasm.
Fyfe: Well, she says...but she won't tell us what it is! Which is selfish, I think. I think it's an F sharp, though! [Laughs hysterically]
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I never thought I'd be on T.V trying to give Madge an orgasm.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Ed correctly guesses the song in the Intros round]
Preston: Correct!!...Am I allowed to say that?
Simon: I suppose you just did! Let's hear how it should have sounded. [Plays the song] In the future, I would like to break the news...
Preston: Correct!!...Am I allowed to say that?
Simon: I suppose you just did! Let's hear how it should have sounded. [Plays the song] In the future, I would like to break the news...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Quoting from Chantelle Houghton's book]
Simon: "The photo shoot was for the Daily Mail, which made me feel really posh and upmarket..."
Preston: [Getting up] Oh, you've done it now. See you later, I'm off. Sorry.
Simon: Oh no, Preston come on
Preson: No, seriously.
Simon: Preston, we're having fun!
Preston: I ain't.
[He storms off stage]
Simon: Come on, Preston! Oh no, we can't lose Preston...
Bill: I guess he thought he's been voted out!
Simon: "The photo shoot was for the Daily Mail, which made me feel really posh and upmarket..."
Preston: [Getting up] Oh, you've done it now. See you later, I'm off. Sorry.
Simon: Oh no, Preston come on
Preson: No, seriously.
Simon: Preston, we're having fun!
Preston: I ain't.
[He storms off stage]
Simon: Come on, Preston! Oh no, we can't lose Preston...
Bill: I guess he thought he's been voted out!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I mean, I only read his girlfriend's book.
[An audience member yells out "It's his wife!"]
Simon: I only read his wife's book...
Bill: What's wrong with that?
Simon: I can't believe that upset him...I mean...I don't know if he's read it. I've read the whole thing, it upset me.
[An audience member yells out "It's his wife!"]
Simon: I only read his wife's book...
Bill: What's wrong with that?
Simon: I can't believe that upset him...I mean...I don't know if he's read it. I've read the whole thing, it upset me.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[After getting an audience member to replace Preston]
Simon: What is your name?
Ed Seymore: Ed.
Simon: Hello, Preston.
Simon: What is your name?
Ed Seymore: Ed.
Simon: Hello, Preston.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: What do you do in your real life?
Ed Seymore: Um, a well driller.
Simon: A well driller.
Ed Seymore: Drill bore holes.
Ed: Water wells or oil wells?
Ed Seymore: Neither.
Ed: Ah! What other kind of wells are there? Is it a lemonade well?
Ed Seymore: Um, a well driller.
Simon: A well driller.
Ed Seymore: Drill bore holes.
Ed: Water wells or oil wells?
Ed Seymore: Neither.
Ed: Ah! What other kind of wells are there? Is it a lemonade well?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Fyfe, Fyfe, do you find it difficult to perform without office equipment?
Fyfe: Yes.
Simon: Do you want a hole punch?
Fyfe: Yes.
[He begins squeezing it]
Simon: Hang on, sorry I didn't think that through...sorry, a silent hole punch. How about a desk tidy?
Fyfe: Nah, nah.
Simon: PostIt notes?
Fyfe: Right... [He storms off the set]
Simon: Oh, no.
[Laughter. Fyfe comes back]
Simon: Lucky I didn't get to the lever arch file!
Fyfe: Yes.
Simon: Do you want a hole punch?
Fyfe: Yes.
[He begins squeezing it]
Simon: Hang on, sorry I didn't think that through...sorry, a silent hole punch. How about a desk tidy?
Fyfe: Nah, nah.
Simon: PostIt notes?
Fyfe: Right... [He storms off the set]
Simon: Oh, no.
[Laughter. Fyfe comes back]
Simon: Lucky I didn't get to the lever arch file!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[After failing to guess a song]
Simon: Anne, what about this one?
[He plays the Neighbours theme song]
Anne: Right, that's it!
'[She moves to stand up]
Simon: No, no, no, no!
Simon: Anne, what about this one?
[He plays the Neighbours theme song]
Anne: Right, that's it!
'[She moves to stand up]
Simon: No, no, no, no!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[After a particularly bad joke]
Simon: If you'd like to write jokes for the show, all you need is a crayon.
Simon: If you'd like to write jokes for the show, all you need is a crayon.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Ed Byrne: Can we get the Paris Hilton look-alike something to suck on so she looks more convincing?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: So yeah, so who, uh...not who...how many...not, not that either...uh...
Phill: You've fallen to bits since you lost Preston.
Phill: You've fallen to bits since you lost Preston.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: [Reading an intro] "Call me, call me anytime..."?
Phill: Your call may be recorded for staff training purposes.
Phill: Your call may be recorded for staff training purposes.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Simon gives Fyfe the lever arch file]
Fyfe: It's not the best comedy prop, really, is it?
Simon: Oh, I dunno, it's got two good laughs.
Bill: It's still here...
Fyfe: It's not the best comedy prop, really, is it?
Simon: Oh, I dunno, it's got two good laughs.
Bill: It's still here...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Nicholas Hoult, Midge Ure, Romeo Stodart, Russell Howard
With guests Nicholas Hoult, Midge Ure, Romeo Stodart, Russell Howard
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Opening the show, with a reference to Preston walking out in the previous show and some of the comments Preston made to the press about his treatment on the show]
Simon: Hello, and welcome to "budget, late-night indie-show" Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I'm "bitter, snotty-faced little public schoolboy" Simon Amstell, and I'd like to begin with an apology. On last week's show I upset Preston from Preston and Chantelle. I realise now they are better than me. Preston is a wonderful singer and Chantelle invented the popular saying "Oh my God!" I was unfair in my representation of Chantelle's book. It's not bad, there are some really interesting bits. (Pulls out Chantelle's book and starts to read from it) "Suddenly..." Okay! (Puts book down again) I hope we can all move on now!
Simon: Hello, and welcome to "budget, late-night indie-show" Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I'm "bitter, snotty-faced little public schoolboy" Simon Amstell, and I'd like to begin with an apology. On last week's show I upset Preston from Preston and Chantelle. I realise now they are better than me. Preston is a wonderful singer and Chantelle invented the popular saying "Oh my God!" I was unfair in my representation of Chantelle's book. It's not bad, there are some really interesting bits. (Pulls out Chantelle's book and starts to read from it) "Suddenly..." Okay! (Puts book down again) I hope we can all move on now!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Oooohhh, Vienna! And being Scottish it really does mean nothing to me! Phil's first guest is legendary Band Aid co-creator and former Ultravox frontman Midge Ure. Midge is also known for being the best mate of Sir Bob Geldof... and for his cheeky catchphrase "Where's my sodding knighthood?"
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Following from last show where Preston walked out]
Simon: I mean, I don't want to go on about it...but if people start turning their backs on comedy and walking off panel shows...then the terrorists have won.
Simon: I mean, I don't want to go on about it...but if people start turning their backs on comedy and walking off panel shows...then the terrorists have won.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks