Never Mind the Buzzcocks Quotes
Simon: I don't really think that Girls Aloud are boring. Or The Kooks aren't that good. Or that Westlife are a tired and vile disease who prey on mentally ill Woolworths shoppers, who found it acceptable to cover a Michael Buble song from two years ago, and should be subjected to a marathon punching and gouging session before being stabbed in the legs, burnt alive, and then stuffed and hung in the British Museum under a sign that reads "Dead Old Shit". It's just a fun pop quiz!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Are we supposed to like Kate Nash? I haven't done this show for so long, I've forgotten who we're supposed to hate... I like her... is she on Facebook?
Joel: She must be.
Phill: Let's poke her and find out.
Bill: She's on, err, all of those... mybibble and, and bobble and swizzle and bizzle, what they called? She's on one of them.
Phill: She's been on Bizzle?
Lethal: Who's that?
Bill: Are you on Myspace? Are you Myspaced up?
Lethal: Yeah I'm on Myface.
Bill: My... Myface?
Lethal: Myspace
Phill: Is Kate Nash on your face or not? I need to know?
Joel: She must be.
Phill: Let's poke her and find out.
Bill: She's on, err, all of those... mybibble and, and bobble and swizzle and bizzle, what they called? She's on one of them.
Phill: She's been on Bizzle?
Lethal: Who's that?
Bill: Are you on Myspace? Are you Myspaced up?
Lethal: Yeah I'm on Myface.
Bill: My... Myface?
Lethal: Myspace
Phill: Is Kate Nash on your face or not? I need to know?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Nash said that one of her one hundred and nine thousand friends on Myspace said he wanted to put a bomb up my cunt.
[Laughter]
Simon: You may laugh, but the metropolitan police had to evacuate the area... and it was six hours before normal service was resumed.
[Laughter]
Simon: You may laugh, but the metropolitan police had to evacuate the area... and it was six hours before normal service was resumed.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Is your marriage in trouble?
Jessica: Oh, Simon.
Simon: Is it alright? Is it okay?
Jessica: Would you be interested if I said it was?
Simon: Yeah, let's talk about it.
Jessica: I've got a lot of feelings for you... basically. I kinda wanna wrestle you and kiss you at the same time.
Simon: We could do that.
Jessica: Do many people say that to you? I bet they do.
Simon: There's a nice area in front of the desk...
Jessica: Do you want to wrestle?
Simon: Have a bit of a wrestle.
Jessica: Okay, come on.
[They begin to hesitantly wrestle. Simon grabs Jessica's waist and tries to lift her over his shoulder, Jessica pushes him on the floor and grabs his foot before pinning him down. They return to their seats]
Simon: What that was good for was like a 'best of' package.
Jessica: Oh, Simon.
Simon: Is it alright? Is it okay?
Jessica: Would you be interested if I said it was?
Simon: Yeah, let's talk about it.
Jessica: I've got a lot of feelings for you... basically. I kinda wanna wrestle you and kiss you at the same time.
Simon: We could do that.
Jessica: Do many people say that to you? I bet they do.
Simon: There's a nice area in front of the desk...
Jessica: Do you want to wrestle?
Simon: Have a bit of a wrestle.
Jessica: Okay, come on.
[They begin to hesitantly wrestle. Simon grabs Jessica's waist and tries to lift her over his shoulder, Jessica pushes him on the floor and grabs his foot before pinning him down. They return to their seats]
Simon: What that was good for was like a 'best of' package.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Jessica guesses an intro correctly]
Simon: She's so smug isn't she Kimberly? Very smug. What a bitch. What a bitch that Jessica Hynes is... comes here, with her career.
Simon: She's so smug isn't she Kimberly? Very smug. What a bitch. What a bitch that Jessica Hynes is... comes here, with her career.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: George Bush claims that he has 'My Sharona' on his iPod, but mainly to drown out the screams of thousands of dead Iraqi children.
[Simon put up a picture of a field of flowers with kittens as a way of claiming that the show is only a quiz and shouldn't be taken seriously]
Phill: You're gonna need a bigger kitten.
[Simon put up a picture of a field of flowers with kittens as a way of claiming that the show is only a quiz and shouldn't be taken seriously]
Phill: You're gonna need a bigger kitten.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: All there silly jokes that we doing about, oh, you should get a job, I mean... why should you have a job! It's ridiculous!
Kimberly: Oh, stupid me, getting a job!
Simon: I mean, what do they want you to do?
Kimberly: I don't know!
Simon: Achieve something?!? Bastards!
Kimberly: It's just so stupid!
Simon: Not everyone can do what you do. You have a, eh, individual talent... when did you first realize that you had what it took to be Rod Stewart's daughter?
Kimberly: Oh, stupid me, getting a job!
Simon: I mean, what do they want you to do?
Kimberly: I don't know!
Simon: Achieve something?!? Bastards!
Kimberly: It's just so stupid!
Simon: Not everyone can do what you do. You have a, eh, individual talent... when did you first realize that you had what it took to be Rod Stewart's daughter?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[About the line up]
Jessica: [not taking her eyes off him] Number four... uh, I'm concerned for... because he has a haunted look that... is chilling me to the bone...
Jessica: [not taking her eyes off him] Number four... uh, I'm concerned for... because he has a haunted look that... is chilling me to the bone...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: And after all that... oh, it's a tie, rendering this whole thing completely pointless!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests w: Katy Brand, Jermaine Jackson, David Cross, and Ryan Jarman
Simon Amstell: [sadly] Everyone knows Courtney Love apart from me.
Noel Fielding: She'd crush you like a Twiglet.
Simon Amstell: She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide. [Noel looks shocked while an on-screen disclaimer reads "Simon Amstell is definitely wrong."] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I dont know what I'm saying.
With guests w: Katy Brand, Jermaine Jackson, David Cross, and Ryan Jarman
Simon Amstell: [sadly] Everyone knows Courtney Love apart from me.
Noel Fielding: She'd crush you like a Twiglet.
Simon Amstell: She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide. [Noel looks shocked while an on-screen disclaimer reads "Simon Amstell is definitely wrong."] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I dont know what I'm saying.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Noel Feilding (guesthost) and Phill Jupitus
With guests Bobby Davro, Roy Stride, Richard Fleeshman, Kristen Schaal
With guests Bobby Davro, Roy Stride, Richard Fleeshman, Kristen Schaal
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Noel: Honestly, if you diss him(Richard Fleeshman) one more time...ill slash you up.
Kristen: I'm gonna watch!
Noel: I'll give you a Chinese burn and Kristens gonna pour-
Simon: A pot of noodle on me?! Yeah, go on!
Noel: Cream soda this time.
Simon: And then some dragons are gonna fly in and put bubbles in my head? Is that how it works? You just say funny words and it works does it? You just try out weird words, hippopotamus and juggling. Is that what you do? Is that what happens? Anyone can do that! I've got fact based jokes!
Noel: Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow.
Simon: With a pair of scissors made of glitter?
Noel: [matter-of-fact-ly] No! With a motorbike made of jealousy!
Kristen: I'm gonna watch!
Noel: I'll give you a Chinese burn and Kristens gonna pour-
Simon: A pot of noodle on me?! Yeah, go on!
Noel: Cream soda this time.
Simon: And then some dragons are gonna fly in and put bubbles in my head? Is that how it works? You just say funny words and it works does it? You just try out weird words, hippopotamus and juggling. Is that what you do? Is that what happens? Anyone can do that! I've got fact based jokes!
Noel: Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow.
Simon: With a pair of scissors made of glitter?
Noel: [matter-of-fact-ly] No! With a motorbike made of jealousy!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Correct Neal Young. I prefer the uh Fleeshman version.
Richard Fleeshman: If you must know, I did Ever Green. Do your research! Lammar would of done it.
Richard Fleeshman: If you must know, I did Ever Green. Do your research! Lammar would of done it.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Okay! You've got sixteen points. You've got five points, so you need eleven to win.
Phil: How many cards are there? Count them now.
Simon: (counts cards) Nine.
Phil: Right...
Phil: How many cards are there? Count them now.
Simon: (counts cards) Nine.
Phil: Right...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests Vic Reeves, Mark Ronson, Matt Bowman, Myleene Klass
With guests Vic Reeves, Mark Ronson, Matt Bowman, Myleene Klass
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Myleene Klass: [reading from cue card]Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine has been linked to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.
Simon: [looking though a window in the style of Hear'Say It's Saturday ] So's Hepatitis C, but it doesn't go on about it!
[Simon closes the window, only to reopen it]
Simon: Erm, for legal reasons I should point out that neither Britney nor Lindsay have Hepatitis C.
Simon: [looking though a window in the style of Hear'Say It's Saturday ] So's Hepatitis C, but it doesn't go on about it!
[Simon closes the window, only to reopen it]
Simon: Erm, for legal reasons I should point out that neither Britney nor Lindsay have Hepatitis C.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: [reading from cue card] He's not sure what he should... he's not what... what is it? He's not sure what he should do...
Matt Bowman: It's English, Simon, just read it!
Matt Bowman: It's English, Simon, just read it!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests Chris O'Dowd, Joe Goddard, Dev Hynes, James Nesbitt
With guests Chris O'Dowd, Joe Goddard, Dev Hynes, James Nesbitt
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Bill: Doesn't he, Billy Bragg, doing some jail charity at the moment or something?
Simon: Guitars for people in jail.
Bill: Musical instruments..-
Phill: Banjos for paedos.
Bill: Yeah that's it. Bongos for psychos! We do a homeless one as well; AMPS for tramps!
Simon: Guitars for people in jail.
Bill: Musical instruments..-
Phill: Banjos for paedos.
Bill: Yeah that's it. Bongos for psychos! We do a homeless one as well; AMPS for tramps!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Y'know with the environment and everything.. maybe it seems like a waste of paper and people should just use the internet. Seems like the only person who's benefitting out the Yellow Pages is you, James Nesbitt. And possibly Geoff Capes at his dinner parties. [acts as if he's ripping the Yellow Pages]
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Anyway, we're not just gonna go on about the Yellow Pages. I apologize.
James: They're still very very good to me.
Simon: I still use one, I've got one.
James: You still use the Yellow Pages?
Chris: Yeah I sit on it 'cos I'm abit short.[pulls out the Yellow Pages] I find it very useful.
James: They're still very very good to me.
Simon: I still use one, I've got one.
James: You still use the Yellow Pages?
Chris: Yeah I sit on it 'cos I'm abit short.[pulls out the Yellow Pages] I find it very useful.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: They had a fight in Glastonbury, what happened?
James: Well issit they're...um... that they're both renowned...ah...sort of socialistic...ah....they ah...political...um...issit the-..ah...did Billy Bragg....
Simon: James. I don't mean to be rude..if there's anyway that you could talk abit quicker. I mean it's good in gritty dramas.
James: Sorry. Well issit that Billy Bragg is well-known..ah....aaah....aah.... [on purpose]
Simon: [pretends to be on the phone] I...need...a..hairdresser...I've cut..a child's...[looks at James and drops the Yellow Pages] We're not just gonna go on. Sorry, we're not just go on about the Yellow Pages.
James: Well issit they're...um... that they're both renowned...ah...sort of socialistic...ah....they ah...political...um...issit the-..ah...did Billy Bragg....
Simon: James. I don't mean to be rude..if there's anyway that you could talk abit quicker. I mean it's good in gritty dramas.
James: Sorry. Well issit that Billy Bragg is well-known..ah....aaah....aah.... [on purpose]
Simon: [pretends to be on the phone] I...need...a..hairdresser...I've cut..a child's...[looks at James and drops the Yellow Pages] We're not just gonna go on. Sorry, we're not just go on about the Yellow Pages.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus
With guests Mark Ronson (Guest captain), Adele, Tim Minchin, Jamie Reynolds, Ralf Little.
With guests Mark Ronson (Guest captain), Adele, Tim Minchin, Jamie Reynolds, Ralf Little.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I'm a big fan of The Klaxons,of course.
Jamie: Thank you very much.
Simon: There's you, you're Jamie from The Klaxons.
Jamie: I'm Jamie, yes.
Simon: There's also James from The Klaxons.
Jamie: Yes. He's better-looking than me isn't he?
Simon: Quite hot, hot.
Jamie: I know. [whispers] That's why I got him in. [laughs]
Jamie: Thank you very much.
Simon: There's you, you're Jamie from The Klaxons.
Jamie: I'm Jamie, yes.
Simon: There's also James from The Klaxons.
Jamie: Yes. He's better-looking than me isn't he?
Simon: Quite hot, hot.
Jamie: I know. [whispers] That's why I got him in. [laughs]
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Do you um.. do people ever get confused & booked you, for a tv show, thinking it's him?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Jamie: Now.. [waits for audience to stop] I don't mean to be funny but I think it happens for us whether or not I'm sitting quite close to this man here [points at Phil]
Phil: No, I wanted the big,lumpy one. [points at Jamie]
Phil: No, I wanted the big,lumpy one. [points at Jamie]
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: And then what was this.. what was C?
Simon: C is uh.. organizers couldn't find a good spoon for her soup.
Mark: ..spoon for her soup.. and then what was the question?
Simon: C is uh.. organizers couldn't find a good spoon for her soup.
Mark: ..spoon for her soup.. and then what was the question?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Tim: Does anyone know her? Has anyone met her? [looks at Mark Ronson] You're a rockstar.. Or whatever.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus
With guests Stephen Fry (Guest captain), Dominic Cooper, Frankie Sandford, Josie Long and Matt Shultz.
With guests Stephen Fry (Guest captain), Dominic Cooper, Frankie Sandford, Josie Long and Matt Shultz.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: He's got sex in his eyes but has he got song titles in his mouth?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks