Never Mind the Buzzcocks Quotes
Mark: (introducing David) Since leaving Dollar, David's career has gone on the up. He now runs a number of stalls in Brighton selling burgers and flowers. So if you fancy some carnations stinking of beef and Calor gas, there's your man.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: Missy Elliott is famous for her expensive jewellery, her love of flashy cars and for owning more than 4,000 pairs of trainers. Which sounds impressive until you hear David owns 200-weight of diced onions and a loft full of gherkins!
David: They've been good to me, those sausages, you know!
Mark: You keep that for your autobiography, sunbeam! And, I'll be the judge of that, cheeky-chops!
David: I might not be here without those.
Sean: Yeah, he's got his van parked outside.
Mark: So what do you want us to do? Thank sausages you're here?
David: Give them all vouchers (gestures to the audience) when they're leaving, buy a sausage!
Mark: Vouchers so they can buy a sausage? People can buy sausages anyway.
David: Not outside here!
Mark: They don't need a voucher, it's not Poland!
David: Mine are special.
Mark: You've got special sausages?
David: Yeah. The proof is in the pudding.
Mark: You sell pudding as well?
David: They've been good to me, those sausages, you know!
Mark: You keep that for your autobiography, sunbeam! And, I'll be the judge of that, cheeky-chops!
David: I might not be here without those.
Sean: Yeah, he's got his van parked outside.
Mark: So what do you want us to do? Thank sausages you're here?
David: Give them all vouchers (gestures to the audience) when they're leaving, buy a sausage!
Mark: Vouchers so they can buy a sausage? People can buy sausages anyway.
David: Not outside here!
Mark: They don't need a voucher, it's not Poland!
David: Mine are special.
Mark: You've got special sausages?
David: Yeah. The proof is in the pudding.
Mark: You sell pudding as well?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Sean: Can we have a look at the newspaper headline?
(cut to still from the video showing the front page of the Daily Mail - the headline reads "MILLIONAIRESS LOST IN JUNGLE - $100,000 REWARD")
Sean: Well it's the Daily Mail so no doubt at the bottom it'll say like "millions of Ethiopians are dying, they'll probably move next door to you tomorrow!"
Mark: Well it would be good if they moved next door to him (points to David) he could feed them, can't he?
Sean: They don't all like sausages though, they're used to rice and stuff. (to David) Do you do rice?
David: W...
Sean: No, no, it's alright. This was the same time that Guys n' Dolls were about, yeah?
David: No it was a bit later, actually... (an ice-cream van's chimes play "Oh Dear! What Can the Matter Be?")
Mark: Ooh, your van's here!
David: I've gotta go! (gets up) Gotta make some money! (sits back down again) You're gonna let me go as well, aren't you?
Mark: I wasn't gonna cry for you to come back! You must feel very at home with the team captains - a 99 and a Flake!
Sean: I'm a little bit peckish, I don't know why! (the chimes play again) Mummy, the onion ring man is here!
Ricky: Oooh sausages! Sausages!
Mark: Special magic sausages!
Sean: Did you put "Van" in your name after you got the van, or is that just a coincidence?
Jenni: I don't think it's a music video at all...
Sean: It's Ally McCoist and he comes out and shags Midge and goes, "You're Scottish, you'll do!"
Mark: Midge & McCoist. Urgh, what a bad porn film that would make! You'd never buy a porn film with "Midge" in the title, would you?
Sean: Not again anyway, that's for sure!
Mark: Although I would buy one called "The Magi
(cut to still from the video showing the front page of the Daily Mail - the headline reads "MILLIONAIRESS LOST IN JUNGLE - $100,000 REWARD")
Sean: Well it's the Daily Mail so no doubt at the bottom it'll say like "millions of Ethiopians are dying, they'll probably move next door to you tomorrow!"
Mark: Well it would be good if they moved next door to him (points to David) he could feed them, can't he?
Sean: They don't all like sausages though, they're used to rice and stuff. (to David) Do you do rice?
David: W...
Sean: No, no, it's alright. This was the same time that Guys n' Dolls were about, yeah?
David: No it was a bit later, actually... (an ice-cream van's chimes play "Oh Dear! What Can the Matter Be?")
Mark: Ooh, your van's here!
David: I've gotta go! (gets up) Gotta make some money! (sits back down again) You're gonna let me go as well, aren't you?
Mark: I wasn't gonna cry for you to come back! You must feel very at home with the team captains - a 99 and a Flake!
Sean: I'm a little bit peckish, I don't know why! (the chimes play again) Mummy, the onion ring man is here!
Ricky: Oooh sausages! Sausages!
Mark: Special magic sausages!
Sean: Did you put "Van" in your name after you got the van, or is that just a coincidence?
Jenni: I don't think it's a music video at all...
Sean: It's Ally McCoist and he comes out and shags Midge and goes, "You're Scottish, you'll do!"
Mark: Midge & McCoist. Urgh, what a bad porn film that would make! You'd never buy a porn film with "Midge" in the title, would you?
Sean: Not again anyway, that's for sure!
Mark: Although I would buy one called "The Magi
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: Midge Ure's ex-wife Annabel Giles recently referred to herself as a B-list celebrity. Good news, Britain, that means we're all A-list celebrities! Including the pigeons!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
David: (laughing) Can we have some reverb?
Mark: Can we have some off?
David: (starts whistling into his microphone with a bit of reverb)
Sean: Are you calling for a dog?
Mark: It's the eerie burger man! That would be a great advert to keep kids off fried food - him!
Jenni: Is it recent or is it quite old?
Sean: No it's old.
David: It's oooollld.
Mark: Have you ever had electric shock treatment?
David: I burnt myself on a cooker once!
Mark: Can we have some off?
David: (starts whistling into his microphone with a bit of reverb)
Sean: Are you calling for a dog?
Mark: It's the eerie burger man! That would be a great advert to keep kids off fried food - him!
Jenni: Is it recent or is it quite old?
Sean: No it's old.
David: It's oooollld.
Mark: Have you ever had electric shock treatment?
David: I burnt myself on a cooker once!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Sean: Okay I'm ready. I'm having a bit of a breakdown! In two years time I'm gonna be working with him in Brighton - "Burger?" (Sean stares into space, hands the burger over and whistles)
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
David: (Provides a decent backing for Sean)
Sean: A-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, shish kebab! Shish kebab! Shish kebab! You're obsessed man!
(David collapses in hysterics)
Sean: A-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, a-bum-tish, shish kebab! Shish kebab! Shish kebab! You're obsessed man!
(David collapses in hysterics)
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
David: They probably are still working, this group. I'm still working so they must still be working.
Mark: But you're working in a burger van!
David: I do the odd date.
Mark: In what band do you play with now? Bucks Fizz?
David: Dollar, Bucks Fizz, you name it. Guys n' Dolls...
Mark: Alright, Pink Floyd?
David: Could do a tribute to Pink Floyd.
Mark: Really? What, and not play for a long time?
Mark: But you're working in a burger van!
David: I do the odd date.
Mark: In what band do you play with now? Bucks Fizz?
David: Dollar, Bucks Fizz, you name it. Guys n' Dolls...
Mark: Alright, Pink Floyd?
David: Could do a tribute to Pink Floyd.
Mark: Really? What, and not play for a long time?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: Okay, Sean's team you need six to win, your time starts now. "I believe in miracles..."
Sean: Hence David's on the show!
Mark: "Where you from, you sexy thing", Hot Chocolate. "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand...
Sean: Salt and vinegar?
David: "You don't have to stay forever, I will understand." Number five for Guys n' Dolls in 1975.
Mark: Yep. "And the only way to get rid of this great big onion..."
Sean: Sorry, we're closed half-day Tuesday.
Mark: It's unbelievably The Onion Song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. The next line - "is to plant love seeds until it dies." "Mirror mirror mon amour..."
David: "Mirror mirror mon amour, send me what I'm waiting for..."
Mark: That's right, yeah. Dollar. "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop..."
David: Is it Elvis Presley... boy lives down the... chip shop... and he thinks he's Elvis Presley...
Sean: Have you just had a stroke? 'Cos that's "There's a Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis" (Time up!)
Mark: It was actually "and when I came out, there was Gordon standing at the bus stop" from Jilted John by Jilted John. Do you know what? It comes as a great shock to me that you haven't won!
Sean: Hence David's on the show!
Mark: "Where you from, you sexy thing", Hot Chocolate. "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand...
Sean: Salt and vinegar?
David: "You don't have to stay forever, I will understand." Number five for Guys n' Dolls in 1975.
Mark: Yep. "And the only way to get rid of this great big onion..."
Sean: Sorry, we're closed half-day Tuesday.
Mark: It's unbelievably The Onion Song by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. The next line - "is to plant love seeds until it dies." "Mirror mirror mon amour..."
David: "Mirror mirror mon amour, send me what I'm waiting for..."
Mark: That's right, yeah. Dollar. "I was so upset that I cried all the way to the chip shop..."
David: Is it Elvis Presley... boy lives down the... chip shop... and he thinks he's Elvis Presley...
Sean: Have you just had a stroke? 'Cos that's "There's a Guy Works Down the Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis" (Time up!)
Mark: It was actually "and when I came out, there was Gordon standing at the bus stop" from Jilted John by Jilted John. Do you know what? It comes as a great shock to me that you haven't won!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: This has been Never Mind the Buzzcocks, I've been Mark Lamarr... (The chimes play one more time)(to David) I think you've got to go back to the mothership!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: In 1978, Tony's first TV series was cancelled when Iggy Pop appeared live with a horse's tail sticking out of his arse. According to Iggy's biographer, it all started when he swallowed a fly that afternoon and things got out of hand.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: According to his publicity you can recognise Omar by his trademark hair which tails above his head. To be honest I'm not sure I'd recognise Omar even if he had a badge which said "I'm Omar", and a passport, a full set of dental records, a breakdown of DNA and both parents pointing at him saying "That's our son, Omar, the pop singer!" Until I see a Blockbuster card I trust no-one!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Talking about Elton John's lookalike]
David Grant: Is he about the same height as Elton John?
Mark Lamarr: No, he's 87 times the size. They have to film him from miles away!
David Grant: Is he about the same height as Elton John?
Mark Lamarr: No, he's 87 times the size. They have to film him from miles away!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark Lamarr: Wet Wet Wet eventually got so sick of "Love Is All Around" that they wrote to their record company, demanding the song be taken off the market. And since I found that fact out, I've spent six months trying to forge James Blunt's signature: "Dear James Blunt's record company. It's me, James Blunt. My records are rubbish. Please stop putting them out. Thanks. Bluntie. PS: You can stab me in the eye as well if you want."
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Talking about Sharon Osbourne having liposuction]
Mark: She has it sucked out of her and pumped into her daughter and I think that's cruel.
Mark: She has it sucked out of her and pumped into her daughter and I think that's cruel.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: A few weeks ago on this show I made this joke about him... (replay of the Omar joke from 12x03) ... so, er, God bless him for coming on and... let's see if you can recognise him. (camera shot changes to the lineup - Omar is clearly number 3!) I know you know him anyway, Pete, but it's obviously number three! Pete, do you know Omar?
Pete Tong: No!
Mark: Is number one Omar? Or is it number two, Mullah Omar? Or is it number three, Omar, he's making eyes at me? Or is it number four, Omar mia, here I go again? Or is it number five, Omar boomerang won't come back? I feel really guilty now making the joke I wouldn't recognise him. I haven't seen him for ten years, he's the most recognisable person in the world!
Dave Johns: I think number three looks like he's one of those guards outside Buckingham Palace and it's been a really windy day and his bearskin... it's rained on his bearskin and it's just blown off. I don't know...
Mark: You do know, it's number three, I've told you four times! Even if you've never seen Omar in your life you'd go "well it can't be one, two, four or five, because that's not Omar! Omar looks like number three!"
Dave: Well who's number one?
Mark: He's not Omar, that doesn't matter! Let's find out, would Omar please make himself known? (Omar - number 3 - steps forward and pulls out a Blockbuster card from his pocket!) It is him! Currently working on his sixth album and recording with various artists including Stevie Wonder - which really does piss on my strawberries, doesn't it? - a big round of applause for, and thank you very much for coming on, Omar, ladies and gentlemen!
Pete Tong: No!
Mark: Is number one Omar? Or is it number two, Mullah Omar? Or is it number three, Omar, he's making eyes at me? Or is it number four, Omar mia, here I go again? Or is it number five, Omar boomerang won't come back? I feel really guilty now making the joke I wouldn't recognise him. I haven't seen him for ten years, he's the most recognisable person in the world!
Dave Johns: I think number three looks like he's one of those guards outside Buckingham Palace and it's been a really windy day and his bearskin... it's rained on his bearskin and it's just blown off. I don't know...
Mark: You do know, it's number three, I've told you four times! Even if you've never seen Omar in your life you'd go "well it can't be one, two, four or five, because that's not Omar! Omar looks like number three!"
Dave: Well who's number one?
Mark: He's not Omar, that doesn't matter! Let's find out, would Omar please make himself known? (Omar - number 3 - steps forward and pulls out a Blockbuster card from his pocket!) It is him! Currently working on his sixth album and recording with various artists including Stevie Wonder - which really does piss on my strawberries, doesn't it? - a big round of applause for, and thank you very much for coming on, Omar, ladies and gentlemen!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: Among the many things Morrissey has said on record he actually hates are:
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Telling a story about the S Club Juniors]
Simon: So uh, one of the girls, I don't know which one. It would probably be wrong to name them, maybe it's wrong to say it at all. Should I stop? No, OK. Um, she had her first, you know, "becoming a woman" experience in our studio.
Mark: And you filmed it!
Simon: No, we didn't film it! No. It happened in one of the dressing rooms. We've since redecorated, it was fine...So anyway, they came back and we were all very sensitive about it. We introduced them as our favourite band in the world...period.
Simon: So uh, one of the girls, I don't know which one. It would probably be wrong to name them, maybe it's wrong to say it at all. Should I stop? No, OK. Um, she had her first, you know, "becoming a woman" experience in our studio.
Mark: And you filmed it!
Simon: No, we didn't film it! No. It happened in one of the dressing rooms. We've since redecorated, it was fine...So anyway, they came back and we were all very sensitive about it. We introduced them as our favourite band in the world...period.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: Nice to see you taking notes there, Bill
Bill: I just like to be, uh, apposite of the facts.
Mark: No you don't, you like to say cheese and weasels then go "urrh".
Bill: Or Cheesels as I like to call them. A weaselly snack with a cheese finish.
Bill: I just like to be, uh, apposite of the facts.
Mark: No you don't, you like to say cheese and weasels then go "urrh".
Bill: Or Cheesels as I like to call them. A weaselly snack with a cheese finish.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Romeo: I thought you was down with Westwood, man.
Mark: I'm not down with Westwood!
Romeo: No? I thought you was down with that, the bitches and the hoes and wh- [Romeo starts laughing]
Mark: Oh I understand the phrase bitches and hoes. Disrespectful terms for ladies.
Bill: I thought you said ditches and hose. Like a landscape gardening thing. "I'll be down with my ditches, and my hose. Later on I'll be building a water feature!"
Mark: I'm not down with Westwood!
Romeo: No? I thought you was down with that, the bitches and the hoes and wh- [Romeo starts laughing]
Mark: Oh I understand the phrase bitches and hoes. Disrespectful terms for ladies.
Bill: I thought you said ditches and hose. Like a landscape gardening thing. "I'll be down with my ditches, and my hose. Later on I'll be building a water feature!"
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: When Carlos Santana first met his future wife Deborah, he said "She smelled like something I wanted to wake up next to for the rest of my life". It's beautiful, isn't it? Finding a woman who smells like a bacon sandwich and a can of Irn Bru? [Pretending to cry] You're a lucky man, Carlos!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: "Anything you can do, I can do better...?"
Larry Hibbitt: I can do anything better than you.
Mark: No you can't.
Larry Hibbitt: ...all right...
Mark: See?
Larry Hibbitt: I can do anything better than you.
Mark: No you can't.
Larry Hibbitt: ...all right...
Mark: See?
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Mark: "She may be the beauty or the beast..."? Bill, I think you'll know this one.
Isaac Hanson: Well, he's definitely the beast, right? We've established that.
Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Beardy!
Mark: You can't really call someone Beardy if you've got a beard, Bill.
Bill: Why Mark, this is not a beard. It's a small South American mammal...that I've trained to crouch very still.
Isaac Hanson: Well, he's definitely the beast, right? We've established that.
Bill: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Beardy!
Mark: You can't really call someone Beardy if you've got a beard, Bill.
Bill: Why Mark, this is not a beard. It's a small South American mammal...that I've trained to crouch very still.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Kenzie: Am I being awkward?
Mark Lamarr: No, no, it's fine. By the way, it's pronounced "retarded".
Mark Lamarr: No, no, it's fine. By the way, it's pronounced "retarded".
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Bradley Walsh: I've got no idea, give us a clue, for God's sake.
Mark: Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult, what more clue can I give you without giving it away?
Bradley Walsh: You're talking too quickly!! How can I understand that?!
Mark: Well, I'm sorry if I was of no help...
Mark: Don't Fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult, what more clue can I give you without giving it away?
Bradley Walsh: You're talking too quickly!! How can I understand that?!
Mark: Well, I'm sorry if I was of no help...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Guest Host - Simon Amstell
With regulars Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests Nick Knowles, Kenzie, Russell Howard and Aaron Gilbert.
With regulars Bill Bailey and Phill Jupitus
With guests Nick Knowles, Kenzie, Russell Howard and Aaron Gilbert.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: Hello there and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Simon Amstell. And if you think I'm a poor booking, let's meet tonight's guests!
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Being asked how he made Britney Spears cry]
Simon: I just suggested that she might have gone a bit nuts recently...and she took that personally...
Simon: I just suggested that she might have gone a bit nuts recently...and she took that personally...
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
[Bill's team is coming up with nonsense answers to the question]
Simon: I can see now why Mark gets angry all the time.
Simon: I can see now why Mark gets angry all the time.
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks
Simon: I quite like you, Nick. My mum actually says she quite fancies you.
Nick: Is that right?
Simon: She says '"He's got a lovely big face".
Nick: Is that right?
Simon: She says '"He's got a lovely big face".
TV Show: Never Mind the Buzzcocks