Peep Show Quotes
Mark: (Ugh, that was horrible. Now he probably thinks I'm embarrassed about the size of my penis. When in fact, I'm not. I'm much more concerned about my misshapen scrotum.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Eva: [after being trapped in the flotation tank] I've got to get out. It was so dark! So dark!
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Jez: Still, there are worse places to get trapped, right? I mean, you must be bloody relaxed by now!
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Manager: Can you describe exactly what happened, Mr. Corrigan.
Mark: Uh.. Well, uh, h-he was... uh, g-giving me a m-massage. And, uh, h-he was going up my... legs and my thighs an-and then he... touched my penis... then he rubbed my... penis. Quite a bit. An-and I said "stop". But he wouldn't stop.
Matt: Mark why are you saying this? I don't understand.
Mark: B-because... because it's true.
Matt: Please don't do this! This is my career!
Jez: You should've thought about that when you were touching his cock.
Mark: Uh.. Well, uh, h-he was... uh, g-giving me a m-massage. And, uh, h-he was going up my... legs and my thighs an-and then he... touched my penis... then he rubbed my... penis. Quite a bit. An-and I said "stop". But he wouldn't stop.
Matt: Mark why are you saying this? I don't understand.
Mark: B-because... because it's true.
Matt: Please don't do this! This is my career!
Jez: You should've thought about that when you were touching his cock.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (Maybe it would've been simpler just to kill him. I should know how to kill someone by now. I've watched enough CSI.)
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Nancy: Matt, violence never solved anything: love thy neighbour as thyself.
Jez: Yeah, exactly; fuck off!
Jez: Yeah, exactly; fuck off!
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Matt: Well, you can't stay hiding there [behind Sophie and Nancy] forever!
Mark: He thinks we can't hide here forever.
Jez: He obviously doesn't know us at all, does he?
Mark: He thinks we can't hide here forever.
Jez: He obviously doesn't know us at all, does he?
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Mark: What a dud evening. Low quality take-away. Low quality detective drama. Low quality sexual intercourse.
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Mark: Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
Jez: And you don't have to be a smack-head to wank off old geezers, but that probably helps too.
Jez: And you don't have to be a smack-head to wank off old geezers, but that probably helps too.
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Mark: (What should I say? Anything that doesn't mention wanking over your memory for the last twenty years would be good.)
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Mark: (I thought she was a frightened little suburban mouse, but no, she's my nightmare: a liberated, sexually adventurous urban woman.)
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Mark: If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it'll be sort of OK. Like the environment.
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Mark: (What exactly is my plan here? I've lured them all to the safari park like a Bond villain, but what's the aim? Torture myself with contact with an unattainable woman?)
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Jeremy: You're disgusting. But I like it. Like going to a strip club with the Pope.
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Mark: You gave him a hand?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Mark Shit. (I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!)
Jeremy: Yeah.
Mark Shit. (I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!)
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Super Hans: Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?
Jez: Sorry, I didn't think.
Super Hans: Well you should've bloody thought. Jesus!
Jez: Did you do it?
Super Hans: 'Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?
Jez: Sorry, I didn't think.
Super Hans: Well you should've bloody thought. Jesus!
Jez: Did you do it?
Super Hans: 'Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?
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Nancy: What's going on? Who's wanking who off?
Super Hans: Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
Jez: No I haven't! It's not -
Nancy: Jeremy, that is so you. I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.
Super Hans: Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
Jez: No I haven't! It's not -
Nancy: Jeremy, that is so you. I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.
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Mark: It is kind of a funny story. (One which I'll never tell anyone because of my deep burning shame.)
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Mark: (Ugh... More data entry tonight. I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever. Maybe I could put on Big Bond Themes and pretend I'm entering data for MI6.)
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Mark: (Oh great, so I'll be spending £1 a minute to hear how shit I am at sex, that's value for money!)
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Jez: (This weekend is going to be one massive dry hump. Maybe the tension will build to the point where we actually try and fuck each other.)
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Jez: Oh, that is great. You wouldn't even let me drink your piss. I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. It's liquid waste.
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Mark: The whole world isn't Zoo Magazine, Jeremy. People don't just go around wanting it the whole time.
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Jez: Warp factor 3 please, Scotty!
Mark: (Oh, great. I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.)
Mark: (Oh, great. I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.)
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Mark: (Oh my God! I've entered an interview situation and there's a hand near my cock. This is like that dream I had about Alan Sugar and the Badger.)
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Mark: (This can't be real. They're probably Sophie and Johnson in masks and this is being paid for by MTV and the Playboy Channel.)
TV Show: Peep Show