Peep Show Quotes
Mark: [Before having toast for breakfast] (Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown is savoury, white's the treat. Of course I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: Super Hans says he's come up with a bass loop for our new track that is so good, that when he tried turning it off... he literally couldn't... he actually physically couldn't do it.
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: (You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry for you; they'd be off their tits.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (I mean, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (People like him should wear stickers; they've got them for their cars. Oh, yeah, great idea, Adolf.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: How's your day going thus far? Did you have a nice shower or bath?
Sophie: Why, do I smell?
Mark: God, no, you don't smell. I mean, you smell nice. Not that I've smelt you.
Sophie: Why, do I smell?
Mark: God, no, you don't smell. I mean, you smell nice. Not that I've smelt you.
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: (Super Hans said he'll be here in twenty minutes. That means I've got at least an hour.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: [Drawing a cartoon.] (What the hell is that? That is very gay, that's what that is. Come on, go crazy. You're hungry, like the wolf.)
TV Show: Peep Show
[Changing his mind about leaving the Nazi cartoon on Sophie's desk]
Mark (A bloody swastika! That is the single worst, single, bloody idea ever. I mean, a swastika!?) [Discovers the cartoon has disappeared from Sophie's desk] (It's gone! It's happened! Oh yeah, do what Jeremy would do! Thanks Jeremy you tit!) [Bangs his head twice against wall]
Mark (A bloody swastika! That is the single worst, single, bloody idea ever. I mean, a swastika!?) [Discovers the cartoon has disappeared from Sophie's desk] (It's gone! It's happened! Oh yeah, do what Jeremy would do! Thanks Jeremy you tit!) [Bangs his head twice against wall]
TV Show: Peep Show
Toni: So, what you're saying is, these products are essential? The kind of products no one could do without?
Jez: Well... You're kind of making me say that.
Jez: Well... You're kind of making me say that.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (She's ignoring me. Of course she's ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody swastika.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: [Trying to open his desk drawer] (Why don't I get this fixed? Why don't I ever get this fucking thing fixed?! Every night it's f... Ah, it always comes out eventually, fuck it.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: The first thing to say would be that this is not pyramid selling.
Mark: You're doing pyramid selling?!
Jez: No, no, not pyramid selling.
Mark: I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.
Jez: Listen, listen. It's not pyramid selling, it's... network... marketing and it's a guaranteed money making... Mark! I've seen the, the charts!
Mark: Oh the "charts". There are "charts". Why didn't you tell me about the "charts".
Jez: Are you... trying to... piss on my bonfire?
Mark: I'm trying to... protect you from... pissing all over yourself.
Jez: I'm not about to piss... all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing into the... bigtime.
Mark: You're doing pyramid selling?!
Jez: No, no, not pyramid selling.
Mark: I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.
Jez: Listen, listen. It's not pyramid selling, it's... network... marketing and it's a guaranteed money making... Mark! I've seen the, the charts!
Mark: Oh the "charts". There are "charts". Why didn't you tell me about the "charts".
Jez: Are you... trying to... piss on my bonfire?
Mark: I'm trying to... protect you from... pissing all over yourself.
Jez: I'm not about to piss... all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing into the... bigtime.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: Listen, Jeremy, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.
Jez: But, yeah, if you get in early ...
Jez: But, yeah, if you get in early ...
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (Maybe she will think it was charming. Yeah, maybe. Just keep clear of her till you've worked out a - I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it ... because he's a crackhead and he does that sort of thing all the time. Yeah, that sounds great. Me living in my crackhouse. Maybe you could be a crackbitch and sit on my -)
[He sees Sophie]
(Shit! Shit, sugar, fudge, poopants, bollocks.) [In the stationery cupboard.] (Blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes! You can't touch me in the Ardennes.)
[He sees Sophie]
(Shit! Shit, sugar, fudge, poopants, bollocks.) [In the stationery cupboard.] (Blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes! You can't touch me in the Ardennes.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (I'll be able to order him around. Not horrible, just... Jeremy, could you file this for me? Jeremy, could you take that for me? Jeremy could you suck this for me?... Jesus! Where did that come from?)
TV Show: Peep Show
[Interviewing Jeremy, for a filing position]
Barbara: ...now, do you have any experience in this field?
Jez: Eh, I've done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional... zone, SPHERE. I meant, sphere. (God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger!)
Barbara: You're doing great...
[she ticks "Poor" in the "Experience", "Knowledge" and "Performance level" boxes on her sheet]
Barbara: ...now, do you have any experience in this field?
Jez: Eh, I've done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional... zone, SPHERE. I meant, sphere. (God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger!)
Barbara: You're doing great...
[she ticks "Poor" in the "Experience", "Knowledge" and "Performance level" boxes on her sheet]
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: No, challenging is right... Umm... But, a bit more of a relaxing challenge, more like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: You're pissing on my bonfire!
Mark: There is no bonfire!
Jez: That's because you keep pissing on it!
Mark: There is no bonfire!
Jez: That's because you keep pissing on it!
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (Well that was a fucking disaster. I want compensation. I want reparations. I want the Rhineland. It's going to be 1919 all over again, fuck the inevitable backlash.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: Life is all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom. Why do we even pretend that there's anything other than a yawning blankness at the heart of... Hey! 33% extra free! I'm doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind is making me even more frugal than normal.
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: I just came here to tell you we've been invited to a very wicked party.
Mark: Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?
Mark: Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: But, it's better this way... two guys... we've got to get out there! Grooving! Doing it! You know? I mean, it's been a long time for either of us, I mean, I haven't had my oats in something like two weeks!! (Nine months and thirteen days.) I mean look at us! [Holds up a tissue box] People are going to think we spend the whole time wanking.
TV Show: Peep Show