QI Quotes
Stephen Fry: [while explaining about the formula used to determine the number of times a paper could be folded] … what you need is length and thickness.
Alan Davies: That will get ripped off and straight onto YouTube. That will also become a ringtone. "What you need is length and thickness." [mimes accepting a call] "Hello?"
Stephen Fry: Damn you all. You want--
Alan Davies: And that'll be for text messages.
Alan Davies: That will get ripped off and straight onto YouTube. That will also become a ringtone. "What you need is length and thickness." [mimes accepting a call] "Hello?"
Stephen Fry: Damn you all. You want--
Alan Davies: And that'll be for text messages.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Do you know what the French for "flying fish" is?
Alan Davies: Poisson … d'aeroplane …?
Alan Davies: Poisson … d'aeroplane …?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Name something that's much easier to do while wearing boxing gloves.
Sean Lock: Frisk a porcupine.
Stephen Fry: Very good!
Johnny Vegas: Give up masturbating!
Sean Lock: Frisk a porcupine.
Stephen Fry: Very good!
Johnny Vegas: Give up masturbating!
TV Show: QI
[After confirming that the reason Tour de France cyclists shave their legs has nothing to do with aerodynamics or speed]
Hugh Dennis: It's a shame it doesn't make any difference, because I've been using the fact that I don't shave my legs as an excuse for going five hours slower than the guy who won.
Stephen Fry: Which stage did you do?
Hugh Dennis: There's an open stage every year. An amateur stage. You do it two weeks before they do it. Eight thousand of us, and by the end, there were four thousand of us left at the end of it. I started in 2400th place, and I finished in 3400th place. I was passed by a thousand people. And it took me nine hours to catch up to the bloke with the one leg.
Hugh Dennis: It's a shame it doesn't make any difference, because I've been using the fact that I don't shave my legs as an excuse for going five hours slower than the guy who won.
Stephen Fry: Which stage did you do?
Hugh Dennis: There's an open stage every year. An amateur stage. You do it two weeks before they do it. Eight thousand of us, and by the end, there were four thousand of us left at the end of it. I started in 2400th place, and I finished in 3400th place. I was passed by a thousand people. And it took me nine hours to catch up to the bloke with the one leg.
TV Show: QI
Phill Jupitus: [on the Bayeux Tapestry] That says 'Wil 6 Elm'.
Alan Davies: Normmano. I like that.
Phill Jupitus: Is that like medieval text speak? They never put the whole thing in.
Alan Davies: We have been con-kered
Phill Jupitus: 'We've invaded Britain. lol'
Stephen Fry: O … M … G! Very good.
Alan Davies: Normmano. I like that.
Phill Jupitus: Is that like medieval text speak? They never put the whole thing in.
Alan Davies: We have been con-kered
Phill Jupitus: 'We've invaded Britain. lol'
Stephen Fry: O … M … G! Very good.
TV Show: QI
[About the superb lyrebird]
Jimmy Carr: It can mimic anything? I'd make it woof. How funny would that be, if you had a bird that woofed?
Alan Davies: I'd get it to do limericks.
Marcus Brigstocke: I'd probably get it to do Bill Oddie.
Stephen Fry: Surely that would be a bearded tit, if it was anything.
Alan Davies: You're thinking of Rory McGrath.
Jimmy Carr: It can mimic anything? I'd make it woof. How funny would that be, if you had a bird that woofed?
Alan Davies: I'd get it to do limericks.
Marcus Brigstocke: I'd probably get it to do Bill Oddie.
Stephen Fry: Surely that would be a bearded tit, if it was anything.
Alan Davies: You're thinking of Rory McGrath.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: The Eiffel Tower. They loathed it. Guy de Maupassant loathed it so much that his favourite restaurant was …?
Alan Davies: The "Eiffel Tower is Crap" Bistro.
Stephen Fry: No, it was in the Eiffel Tower.
Alan Davies: Oh, so he didn't have to look at it.
Stephen Fry: So—exactly. The one place in Paris he couldn't see the Eiffel Tower was inside the Eiffel Tower.
Marcus Brigstocke: Could he not maybe just ask for a chair facing the other way?
Stephen Fry: He was a French writer trying to make a point, and therefore a git.
Alan Davies: The "Eiffel Tower is Crap" Bistro.
Stephen Fry: No, it was in the Eiffel Tower.
Alan Davies: Oh, so he didn't have to look at it.
Stephen Fry: So—exactly. The one place in Paris he couldn't see the Eiffel Tower was inside the Eiffel Tower.
Marcus Brigstocke: Could he not maybe just ask for a chair facing the other way?
Stephen Fry: He was a French writer trying to make a point, and therefore a git.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: By the way, does anyone know, incidentally, what is the best opening move of Paper, Scissors, Stone?
Dara Ó Briain: If you say, "You go first."
Dara Ó Briain: If you say, "You go first."
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What's the ideal way to kiss a Frenchman?
Alan Davies: A French man? [laughing] I don't know. With their consent?
Stephen Fry: Very well put! What a nice young man.
Alan Davies: A French man? [laughing] I don't know. With their consent?
Stephen Fry: Very well put! What a nice young man.
TV Show: QI
[About the Mona Lisa]
Stephen Fry: The University of Amsterdam used emotion recognition software to analyse the famous enigmatic smile.
Phill Jupitus: Or looked at her. "Emotion recognition software"? I don't know. My money's on "bored." What do you reckon?
Stephen Fry: It showed that it was 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful and 2% angry. She was less than 1% neutral and not even a quarter of one percent surprised.
Phill Jupitus: Sounds like a breakdown of the audience.
Stephen Fry: The University of Amsterdam used emotion recognition software to analyse the famous enigmatic smile.
Phill Jupitus: Or looked at her. "Emotion recognition software"? I don't know. My money's on "bored." What do you reckon?
Stephen Fry: It showed that it was 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful and 2% angry. She was less than 1% neutral and not even a quarter of one percent surprised.
Phill Jupitus: Sounds like a breakdown of the audience.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: And 5 is Corsica i suppose...
Dara O'Briain: 5?! They really have very little to do in Corsica do they?
Stephen Fry: Can you tell me what sort of person kisses 5 times? "Cors-i-can!"
Dara O'Briain: 5?! They really have very little to do in Corsica do they?
Stephen Fry: Can you tell me what sort of person kisses 5 times? "Cors-i-can!"
TV Show: QI
Reginald D. Hunter: I was at a party here, and this guy was telling me about when he wore corduroy, and he says, "You're an American, do you know what corduroy is?" And I said, "No." And he went on to try and explain it, and eventually four or five people were around me, drunk, trying to explain to me what corduroy was. And eventually this girl who we didn't notice left the room, and she went upstairs to her apartment, and she just dashed in the room with a corduroy jacket, "Here! This is what it is! This is what it is!" And you know, I just … I went along with it because there's nothing like the warm look on white people's faces when they feel like they're teaching you something.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: My name is Stephen "My Bottom Is a Treasure-house" Fry; thank you and good night.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: [to the camera] If you are watching QI now, and you believe in astrology, you are banned from watching in future. You are not allowed; you must turn it over now. Thank you.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Now. Picture the scene. I'm out windsurfing. The breeze is ruffling my trousers and sun-bleached hair. I look up, and I see on the horizon a ship. How far away is it?
Alan Davies: Twenty-one miles.
Stephen Fry: No.
Alan Davies: I thought it was always twenty-one miles.
Stephen Fry: No.
Alan Davies: I didn't even get flagged for that.
Stephen Fry: No, no, I didn't know that anybody always thought that it was twenty-one miles.
Alan Davies: Twenty-one miles.
Stephen Fry: No.
Alan Davies: I thought it was always twenty-one miles.
Stephen Fry: No.
Alan Davies: I didn't even get flagged for that.
Stephen Fry: No, no, I didn't know that anybody always thought that it was twenty-one miles.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: [pointing to the red flower in his buttonhole] What does my buttonhole tell you about me?
Jo Brand: That you're a closet heterosexual?
Stephen Fry: How dare you!
Jo Brand: That you're a closet heterosexual?
Stephen Fry: How dare you!
TV Show: QI
[After discussing how the heroine ofLa Dame aux Caméliaswore a red camellia instead of a white one to indicate when she was on her period]
Stephen Fry: And the film based on La Dame aux Camélias is …?
Jo Brand: Carry On Menstruating.
Stephen Fry: And the film based on La Dame aux Camélias is …?
Jo Brand: Carry On Menstruating.
TV Show: QI
David Mitchell: There's one of those adverts that sort of says 'There are more germs on your chopping board than on your loo seat.' To which the answer is, 'well clearly that's fine, then.'
TV Show: QI
Emma Thompson: [pointing at Stephen] I used to do that to him, actually, make sure that he couldn't get out while I was changing.
Stephen Fry: You did.
Emma Thompson: Yeah. It was very good fun.
Stephen Fry: She used to show me her breasts. [He rhymes the word with "beasts".]
Emma Thompson: This fantastic effect I used to have on him, 'cause I could make—I could do it now—I'm not going to, but I could—I could make him scream.
Stephen Fry: [small scream] No. No. Don't.
Emma Thompson: Not like that scream that we just heard, but a real, actual sort of scream of terror and fright, just by appearing nude at the top of his stairs. [Stephen shudders.] And doing what I like to do, which is locking all the doors at the bottom, so that when he tried to get out … [Stephen mimes pounding on locked doors] … as I came down the stairs, going, "Yes, baby, they're all yours!" By the end of which he was in a state of such extreme panic, and it's great to make someone very clever fall apart like that.
Stephen Fry: You did.
Emma Thompson: Yeah. It was very good fun.
Stephen Fry: She used to show me her breasts. [He rhymes the word with "beasts".]
Emma Thompson: This fantastic effect I used to have on him, 'cause I could make—I could do it now—I'm not going to, but I could—I could make him scream.
Stephen Fry: [small scream] No. No. Don't.
Emma Thompson: Not like that scream that we just heard, but a real, actual sort of scream of terror and fright, just by appearing nude at the top of his stairs. [Stephen shudders.] And doing what I like to do, which is locking all the doors at the bottom, so that when he tried to get out … [Stephen mimes pounding on locked doors] … as I came down the stairs, going, "Yes, baby, they're all yours!" By the end of which he was in a state of such extreme panic, and it's great to make someone very clever fall apart like that.
TV Show: QI
Emma Thompson: You know the word "luvvie"?
Stephen Fry: Yeah?
Emma Thompson: What do you all feel about it?
Stephen Fry: I mean, I'm not going to get as upset as some actors do—some actors say, "We do a bloody hard job at work, we're serious people, we—you know, it's a coal face, doing a play! How dare they call us luvvies!" I think that's a bit overdone. On the other hand, it's a bit tedious when the Daily Mail says "luvvie couple XYZ" or something …
Emma Thompson: Do you know what the first citation of it is in the OED?
Stephen Fry: No.
Emma Thompson: It's you.
Stephen Fry: Yeah?
Emma Thompson: What do you all feel about it?
Stephen Fry: I mean, I'm not going to get as upset as some actors do—some actors say, "We do a bloody hard job at work, we're serious people, we—you know, it's a coal face, doing a play! How dare they call us luvvies!" I think that's a bit overdone. On the other hand, it's a bit tedious when the Daily Mail says "luvvie couple XYZ" or something …
Emma Thompson: Do you know what the first citation of it is in the OED?
Stephen Fry: No.
Emma Thompson: It's you.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What can you usefully teach an oyster? [as David rings in] Yes?
David Mitchell: Is it … you know … not to get its hopes up? To expect … lemon juice and death?
David Mitchell: Is it … you know … not to get its hopes up? To expect … lemon juice and death?
TV Show: QI
Jimmy Carr: The feeding of the five thousand? Like there's five thousand people and they wanted some bread and fish. I reckon that was just about four and a half thousand people going, "What have we got, bread and fish? I'm all right, thanks. I'll have something when I get home."
David: The other interesting thing about that story is that out of the five thousand people, only two of them had thought to bring any food. And so in a way it's, okay, good miracle, but the other side of it is 4,998 idiots with no sense of foresight at all. And Jesus doesn't make them learn a lesson from that!
Stephen Fry: "This is the sermon on the Mount. This isn't Glastonbury," he could have said, couldn't he?
David Mitchell: But, you know, he should have said "You didn't bring any food! Of course there's not gonna be any food! Think about it!" ... "Plan next time! Judea would be better if people planned!" But no. "Yeah, it always works out fine; Jesus'll magic up some grub!" No! He's gonna get crucified one day, and then what are you gonna eat?
David: The other interesting thing about that story is that out of the five thousand people, only two of them had thought to bring any food. And so in a way it's, okay, good miracle, but the other side of it is 4,998 idiots with no sense of foresight at all. And Jesus doesn't make them learn a lesson from that!
Stephen Fry: "This is the sermon on the Mount. This isn't Glastonbury," he could have said, couldn't he?
David Mitchell: But, you know, he should have said "You didn't bring any food! Of course there's not gonna be any food! Think about it!" ... "Plan next time! Judea would be better if people planned!" But no. "Yeah, it always works out fine; Jesus'll magic up some grub!" No! He's gonna get crucified one day, and then what are you gonna eat?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Name a poisonous snake.
Jimmy Carr: Piers Morgan.
[The forfeit alarm goes off.]
Jimmy Carr: Piers Morgan.
[The forfeit alarm goes off.]
TV Show: QI
Rich Hall: They say that a friend will help you, uhh, a friend will come over to your house and help you move, and a good friend will help you move a body.
Stephen Fry: That's good. That's...
Rich Hall: ...I have two good friends.
Stephen Fry: That's good. That's...
Rich Hall: ...I have two good friends.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: The ecological footprint is a measure of the amount of land needed to regenerate consumed resources and deal with the resultant waste, and current figures calculated by the United Nations are that we are using up 1.4 times more than the planet can restore.
Alan Davies: The thing is… we evolved from this planet, we are of this planet, we live on this planet, so… can't we do what we like?
Stephen Fry: Yep… absolutely.
Alan Davies: I mean we are victims of our own evolution; I just happened to have come in at this point and now I have to turn the lights out and can't see where I'm going when I go to bed.
Alan Davies: The thing is… we evolved from this planet, we are of this planet, we live on this planet, so… can't we do what we like?
Stephen Fry: Yep… absolutely.
Alan Davies: I mean we are victims of our own evolution; I just happened to have come in at this point and now I have to turn the lights out and can't see where I'm going when I go to bed.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: The intelligent voices in my head tell me you're absolutely right Sean, they do walk! They walk up to 40 centimetres in a lifetime.
TV Show: QI