Red vs. Blue Quotes
Grif: Slow down!
Simmons: There's no time! Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge! And finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole!
Grif: You dug a hole and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?
Simmons: No, no, I mean a hole at the bottom! It opened into some kind of big cavern.
Grif: [stops] A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?
Simmons: [stops] I don't know, why? Are you afraid of bats or something?
Grif: Afraid of bats? No! Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.
Simmons: I didn't see any bats, okay?
Grif: Did you hear any bats?
Simmons: No!
Grif: Did you smell any bats?
Simmons: I don't know what bats smell like!
Grif: And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.
Simmons: It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.
Simmons: There's no time! Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge! And finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole!
Grif: You dug a hole and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?
Simmons: No, no, I mean a hole at the bottom! It opened into some kind of big cavern.
Grif: [stops] A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?
Simmons: [stops] I don't know, why? Are you afraid of bats or something?
Grif: Afraid of bats? No! Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.
Simmons: I didn't see any bats, okay?
Grif: Did you hear any bats?
Simmons: No!
Grif: Did you smell any bats?
Simmons: I don't know what bats smell like!
Grif: And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.
Simmons: It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: And this is Tucker.
Tucker: Sup.
Sister: Hey.
Church: Tucker's job is to do... what... I guess nothing.
Tucker: I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on blue team, rookie. Be cool.
Sister: I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader?
Tucker: Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.
Sister: Awesome. On the red team, they break that rule-
Alien Baby: Blarg.
Sister: Oh cool! You have a dog?
Tucker: Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.
Sister: Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?
Church: Nice save. Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose! Come here!
Sister: I thought about having a kid once.
Tucker: Oh, really? It's a lot of work.
Sister: Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?
Tucker: Heh, yeah... Wait, what?
Church: Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.
Caboose: [whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?
Church: Caboose, what did I tell you?
Caboose: That there are no regular girls.
Church: Exactly. Alright just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or tucker.
Caboose: What do I tell her?
Sister: Well, I already know the rule.
Caboose: I hate that stupid rule!
Tucker: Go show her Doc and Sheila.
Caboose: The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.
Church: You know, I
Tucker: Sup.
Sister: Hey.
Church: Tucker's job is to do... what... I guess nothing.
Tucker: I'm just chillin'. That's the only rule on blue team, rookie. Be cool.
Sister: I thought the only rule was don't kill the leader?
Tucker: Yeah, but we break that rule all the time. That's what makes us so cool.
Sister: Awesome. On the red team, they break that rule-
Alien Baby: Blarg.
Sister: Oh cool! You have a dog?
Tucker: Uh, that's not a dog. That's my kid.
Sister: Oh, cool! You have a kid that looks like a dog?
Church: Nice save. Hey, you know what? I think I have the perfect tour guide for you. Hey Caboose! Come here!
Sister: I thought about having a kid once.
Tucker: Oh, really? It's a lot of work.
Sister: Yeah, it seems like it would be hard. But I thought, you know, who wants to be known as the girl who's had seven abortions?
Tucker: Heh, yeah... Wait, what?
Church: Alright, this is Caboose. He can tell you everything you possibly need to know about blue base.
Caboose: [whispering] Is she a mean girl, or a regular girl?
Church: Caboose, what did I tell you?
Caboose: That there are no regular girls.
Church: Exactly. Alright just stick with him, ask him any questions you have, and don't bother me or tucker.
Caboose: What do I tell her?
Sister: Well, I already know the rule.
Caboose: I hate that stupid rule!
Tucker: Go show her Doc and Sheila.
Caboose: The purple one is Doc, and the big one is Sheila.
Church: You know, I
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Yup, that's the hole all right.
Simmons: That's what I told you!
Grif: Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.
Simmons: Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.
Grif: Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!
Simmons: Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.
Grif: Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.
Simmons: Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!
Grif: You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!
Simmons: Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"
Simmons: That's what I told you!
Grif: Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.
Simmons: Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.
Grif: Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!
Simmons: Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.
Grif: Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.
Simmons: Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!
Grif: You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!
Simmons: Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: RETREAT!
Tucker: Ahh!
Caboose: Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!
Sister: Who is that?
Tucker: That's Tex.
Sister: Whoa! He's a badass!
Caboose: [catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.
Sister: He's kinda hot.
Tucker: Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.
Sister: Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.
Tucker: [as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.
Sister: Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]
Church: Are you seriously asking that question right now?
Caboose: The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.
Tucker: Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.
Caboose: You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.
Tucker: Why is she shooting at us?
Church: How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?
Tucker: Well, go out there and tell her to stop!
Church: Yeah... I'll get right on that.
Sister: Aren't you like, the leader, or something?
Church: Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.
Sister: Awesome!
Church: Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.
Sister: Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!
Tucker: Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]
Church: She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.
Chur
Tucker: Ahh!
Caboose: Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!
Sister: Who is that?
Tucker: That's Tex.
Sister: Whoa! He's a badass!
Caboose: [catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.
Sister: He's kinda hot.
Tucker: Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.
Sister: Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.
Tucker: [as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.
Sister: Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]
Church: Are you seriously asking that question right now?
Caboose: The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.
Tucker: Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.
Caboose: You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.
Tucker: Why is she shooting at us?
Church: How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?
Tucker: Well, go out there and tell her to stop!
Church: Yeah... I'll get right on that.
Sister: Aren't you like, the leader, or something?
Church: Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.
Sister: Awesome!
Church: Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.
Sister: Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!
Tucker: Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]
Church: She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.
Chur
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Aaaaaaaah! [Grif falls, flailing and screaming, into a large cave. Simmons gracefully lands behind him]
Simmons: Ta da!
Grif: [stands up] Ugh. You didn't have to push.
Simmons: Yeah, I didn't have to, but it sure was fun. I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing, too. Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper! This guy.
Simmons: Ta da!
Grif: [stands up] Ugh. You didn't have to push.
Simmons: Yeah, I didn't have to, but it sure was fun. I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing, too. Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper! This guy.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Hey, Tucker, is my body on straight?
Tucker: Dude, I don't even know what that means.
Tex: Freeze! Nobody move!
Tucker: We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."
Tex: Shut up!
Tucker: Whatever.
Church: Tex, what is your problem?
Tex: My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore. He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anyone 'til I find out who.
Church: Yeah, we already know we're on top of the situation.
Tex: You are, then who did O'Malley jump into.
Church: Oh yeah I meant-I meant we were on top of everything until that point.
Tex: Typical..
Sister: Who's O'Malley?
Tucker: Ah, its just some computer program that wants to destroy the universe. He infects people from time to time but, its no big deal.
Sister: Sounds scary.
Tucker: Oh, it's all good, baby. I'll protect you.
Sister: Yeah, that's what the last guy said and now I can't stop scratching
Tucker: Okay, never mind.
Church: None of us are infected, Tex, but I'm a little worried about the tank, she's been acting a little weird lately. Can an AI be planted on... [pauses] Tex?
Tex: Who's the girl?
Church: What? Who, Sister? Oh, she's just a new recruit.
Tex: You mean to tell me that I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourself a new girl?
Church: Oh... um...
Tucker: Whoa. Tread lightly, dude, tread... lightly.
Caboose: You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now.
Tucker: Dude, I don't even know what that means.
Tex: Freeze! Nobody move!
Tucker: We were already not moving. You could've just said "everyone keep doing what your not doing."
Tex: Shut up!
Tucker: Whatever.
Church: Tex, what is your problem?
Tex: My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc anymore. He's jumped into somebody new, and I'm not trusting anyone 'til I find out who.
Church: Yeah, we already know we're on top of the situation.
Tex: You are, then who did O'Malley jump into.
Church: Oh yeah I meant-I meant we were on top of everything until that point.
Tex: Typical..
Sister: Who's O'Malley?
Tucker: Ah, its just some computer program that wants to destroy the universe. He infects people from time to time but, its no big deal.
Sister: Sounds scary.
Tucker: Oh, it's all good, baby. I'll protect you.
Sister: Yeah, that's what the last guy said and now I can't stop scratching
Tucker: Okay, never mind.
Church: None of us are infected, Tex, but I'm a little worried about the tank, she's been acting a little weird lately. Can an AI be planted on... [pauses] Tex?
Tex: Who's the girl?
Church: What? Who, Sister? Oh, she's just a new recruit.
Tex: You mean to tell me that I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourself a new girl?
Church: Oh... um...
Tucker: Whoa. Tread lightly, dude, tread... lightly.
Caboose: You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right just now.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Oh, this is not gonna work out well for us.
Tucker: Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team! You know what that means!
Caboose: Yeah! Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racquet.
Church: Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.
Tucker: Oh, why not?
Church: Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a $1200 phone bill. That's fact.
Tucker: Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds!
Tucker: Dude, are you kidding? We finally have two girls on our team! You know what that means!
Caboose: Yeah! Co-ed softball team! I'm gonna go get my baseball racquet.
Church: Tucker, I know what you're thinking, and it's not gonna happen.
Tucker: Oh, why not?
Church: Because girls can't share anything. Not even an apartment. Every time girls live together, within six months they all hate each other, and somebody gets stuck with a $1200 phone bill. That's fact.
Tucker: Ah, let them fight. As long as we get to watch them making up who cares? We can even record it and sell copies to the Reds!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Stupid Grif and Simmons. Can't even build a regulation grave! What did we bring all those drills for! So, this is the afterlife, huh? Heh, not too impressive if you ask me. This place is a wreck! Who's in charge here, anyway? Need to get me a couple of marine angels, get this place spick and span in no time! You know, now that I think about it, I don't seem to remember much about underground caves in the Bible. Not even in that new Bible they rewrote in 2040, with that big chase scene and that weird cameo by Ben Stiller. That guy's a nut. Wait a minute, afterlife? Underground cave? What if this isn't heaven? What if it's... no, it couldn't be! Could it? [Donut walks up]
Donut: Oh, hey, Sarge! What are you doing down here?
Sarge: It is! Oh, it is!
Donut: Oh, hey, Sarge! What are you doing down here?
Sarge: It is! Oh, it is!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Nooooo! Moan...
Donut: It's been crazy down here, Sarge.
Sarge: Nooo...
Donut: You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found!
Sarge: Sorrowful sounds! Pleas for forgiveness!
Donut: Sarge, keep it down!
Sarge: I have sinned!
Donut: We don't want them to hear you!
Sarge: Donut! Don't interrupt my resentful moaning! If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.
Donut: This isn't hell, Sarge! And you're not dead!
Sarge: Repent! Repent!
Donut: Come on, Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I found some really crazy stuff. Look!
Sarge: Why, that crazy fort looks like a Blue base! And just when I thought hell couldn't get any worse.
Donut: Yeah, but look at that!
Sarge: What in the hell is that thing?
Donut: I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs!
Donut: It's been crazy down here, Sarge.
Sarge: Nooo...
Donut: You wouldn't believe all the stuff I found!
Sarge: Sorrowful sounds! Pleas for forgiveness!
Donut: Sarge, keep it down!
Sarge: I have sinned!
Donut: We don't want them to hear you!
Sarge: Donut! Don't interrupt my resentful moaning! If I want God to forgive me, I need to be as miserable as possible. He loves that stuff.
Donut: This isn't hell, Sarge! And you're not dead!
Sarge: Repent! Repent!
Donut: Come on, Sarge, be quiet. I've been exploring down here and I found some really crazy stuff. Look!
Sarge: Why, that crazy fort looks like a Blue base! And just when I thought hell couldn't get any worse.
Donut: Yeah, but look at that!
Sarge: What in the hell is that thing?
Donut: I don't know, but it sure looks a lot like the motorcycle I found in the cave upstairs!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Donut, why didn't you report this?
Donut: I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell! [radio turns on]
Simmons: [on the radio] Hello, Sarge? Are you there?
Sarge: Hello, is that you, Simmons?
Donut: No, I'm Do-nut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?
Sarge: Shut up, Donut!
Donut: Uh, okay.
Simmons: [on the radio] Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!
Sarge: Fine, what's your location.
Donut: I'm standing right here, next to you.
Sarge: Shut up!
Simmons: [On the radio] We're looking for you right now. This place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some sort of peninsular outcropping.
Sarge: Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?
Donut: Grif isn't anywhere around here.
Sarge: Donut, I told you to be quiet!
Donut: Well stop asking me stuff, then!
Simmons: [On the radio] No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.
Sarge: Roger that, I've got Donut. Sit tight and we'll find you.
Simmons: [cut to Grif and Simmons] Roger that, Simmons out.
Grif: Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?
Donut: I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell! [radio turns on]
Simmons: [on the radio] Hello, Sarge? Are you there?
Sarge: Hello, is that you, Simmons?
Donut: No, I'm Do-nut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?
Sarge: Shut up, Donut!
Donut: Uh, okay.
Simmons: [on the radio] Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!
Sarge: Fine, what's your location.
Donut: I'm standing right here, next to you.
Sarge: Shut up!
Simmons: [On the radio] We're looking for you right now. This place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some sort of peninsular outcropping.
Sarge: Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?
Donut: Grif isn't anywhere around here.
Sarge: Donut, I told you to be quiet!
Donut: Well stop asking me stuff, then!
Simmons: [On the radio] No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.
Sarge: Roger that, I've got Donut. Sit tight and we'll find you.
Simmons: [cut to Grif and Simmons] Roger that, Simmons out.
Grif: Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: Sarge, I don't think you realize just how big this place is! There's no landmarks or anything! Just one rock after another that all look the same. Finding them will be like finding a needle in a haystack!
Sarge: They said they were standing on some kind of a penis ni-
Donut: I know where that is! Let's go!
Sarge: They said they were standing on some kind of a penis ni-
Donut: I know where that is! Let's go!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: The Blues never sleep! They're too busy plotting to destroy our way of life! That's how you can always spot a Blue, Donut. They're always the ones conniving and scheming. Sometimes they do both! I call that... schenniving!
Donut: And you know what else? You can also tell they're Blue because of their Blue armor!
Sarge: Yeah, that too. You know, at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal. But it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can spruce up the place! Make it feel like home.
Donut: Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes, get some wicker chairs! Oh, this place will be fantastic!
Donut: And you know what else? You can also tell they're Blue because of their Blue armor!
Sarge: Yeah, that too. You know, at first I thought this cave was pretty dismal. But it's amazing how a couple of Blue corpses can spruce up the place! Make it feel like home.
Donut: Yeah, we could hang a couple of drapes, get some wicker chairs! Oh, this place will be fantastic!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: No way! I'm a lover, not a sneaker!
Doc: That's your response to everything.
Tucker: What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker.
Doc: That's your response to everything.
Tucker: What can I tell you? I'm a lover, not a thinker.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: I heard something that time!
Simmons: You didn't hear anything! [dripping sound]
Grif: There! Did you hear that?
Simmons: Yes, I heard water dripping.
Grif: Sounds like bats!
Simmons: Bats aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip!
Grif: Bat water!
Simmons: There are no bats!
Grif: You don't know, what if you're wrong?
Simmons: Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body armor. It's designed to deflect bullets and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do? [Pause]
Grif: So basically you're saying that you think there's bats!
Simmons: Sure. Why not?
Grif: I'm getting the fuck out of here!
Simmons: No you're not, Grif, we're standing right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.
Grif: At least let's go stand by the light!
Simmons: No, that would be moving, and thus would violate our strict no moving policy.
Grif: But the light would -
Simmons: No.
Grif: - help us see the bats -
Simmons: No.
Grif: - and their fangs!
Simmons: No!
Grif: Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes.
Simmons: You're an asshole, Grif. Why would you bring up snakes?
Grif: Well, I'm just saying I know you don't like snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they -
Simmons: All right, screw it. I'm gonna go stand by the light.
Simmons: You didn't hear anything! [dripping sound]
Grif: There! Did you hear that?
Simmons: Yes, I heard water dripping.
Grif: Sounds like bats!
Simmons: Bats aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip!
Grif: Bat water!
Simmons: There are no bats!
Grif: You don't know, what if you're wrong?
Simmons: Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body armor. It's designed to deflect bullets and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do? [Pause]
Grif: So basically you're saying that you think there's bats!
Simmons: Sure. Why not?
Grif: I'm getting the fuck out of here!
Simmons: No you're not, Grif, we're standing right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.
Grif: At least let's go stand by the light!
Simmons: No, that would be moving, and thus would violate our strict no moving policy.
Grif: But the light would -
Simmons: No.
Grif: - help us see the bats -
Simmons: No.
Grif: - and their fangs!
Simmons: No!
Grif: Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes.
Simmons: You're an asshole, Grif. Why would you bring up snakes?
Grif: Well, I'm just saying I know you don't like snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they -
Simmons: All right, screw it. I'm gonna go stand by the light.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: If only we knew somebody Sheila trusted. And it would have to be someone kind of dumb. So we could fool them into betraying that trust... for our purposes... [Tucker and Church turn to Caboose]
Caboose: Hey... Everyone is looking at me... I love when they do that! Hi, everybody!
Caboose: Hey... Everyone is looking at me... I love when they do that! Hi, everybody!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Doc: I talked to Sheila, and you guys were right. She definitely seems a little odd.
Church: Yup. So what do you think?
Doc: I... think she seems like there's something wrong.
Church: That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man! Because we knew something was wrong!
Doc: I'm a medic, what do you want from me?
Church: How 'bout fixing her?
Doc: Surprisingly, my medical training didn't really cover internal combustion.
Church: What a shitty medical school.
Tucker: Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?
Doc: Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish!
Church: That's Notre Dame.
Doc: Well, since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws, so -
Church: Never mind. Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.
Doc: Reboot her?
Tucker: Yeah, dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.
Doc: I don't think that'll work.
Church: Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter -
Tucker: Yeah, I still don't know if that think has got all the bugs worked out.
Church: We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.
Caboose: It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.
Church: Yup. So what do you think?
Doc: I... think she seems like there's something wrong.
Church: That's your diagnosis? That's why we sent you down there, man! Because we knew something was wrong!
Doc: I'm a medic, what do you want from me?
Church: How 'bout fixing her?
Doc: Surprisingly, my medical training didn't really cover internal combustion.
Church: What a shitty medical school.
Tucker: Yeah, where'd you go, the University of Jamaica?
Doc: Oh please, I wouldn't be caught dead on that campus. I went to Jamaica State! We were the Jamaica State Fighting Irish!
Church: That's Notre Dame.
Doc: Well, since we're international, we don't really have to adhere to the stringent U.S. copyright laws, so -
Church: Never mind. Just go back down there and see if you can reboot Sheila.
Doc: Reboot her?
Tucker: Yeah, dude, that's how you fix broken stuff. You turn her off, and you turn her back on again. She'll be fine.
Doc: I don't think that'll work.
Church: Uh, pardon me, it works great. We already rebooted the toaster, we rebooted the teleporter -
Tucker: Yeah, I still don't know if that think has got all the bugs worked out.
Church: We even rebooted Caboose's armor once. Although that took a lot longer to come back online than we thought it would.
Caboose: It was dark and I got to hold my breath. I'm pretty sure there was no side effects.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: It's just that I can't shake this feeling that we're beeeeeeeeeeing watched! [spins around] Ha! Gotcha! Oh, son of a...
Donut: Um... That was pretty dramatic.
Sarge: Yeah, it usually works better if there's somebody standing there. Kind of like this! [spins around] Damn it! I'm usually not wrong about this kind of thing! [spins around] Hello! [grumbles unintelligbly]
Donut: Do you have a good sixth sense?
Sarge: No, stupid! Sensor activated proximity radar! It's standard issue! Guess I need to get mine calibrated. [turns] Hey, what the heck is that thing?
Donut: Um... That was pretty dramatic.
Sarge: Yeah, it usually works better if there's somebody standing there. Kind of like this! [spins around] Damn it! I'm usually not wrong about this kind of thing! [spins around] Hello! [grumbles unintelligbly]
Donut: Do you have a good sixth sense?
Sarge: No, stupid! Sensor activated proximity radar! It's standard issue! Guess I need to get mine calibrated. [turns] Hey, what the heck is that thing?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: If we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?
Simmons: [voice slows down] That's a pretty good point, Grif.
Grif: What the... [Grif sees a large glowing pink dart is imbedded in Simmons neck] Are you okay?
Simmons: Yeah, why do you ask?
Grif: Huh. You got a pink thing on you.
Simmons: [voice slows more] Huh? Like a snake? Get it off. [collapses]
Grif: Simmons? Simmons? [turns] Huh? [another dart flys into his neck] Ow. [Nine more darts shoot into him] Ow! [a dart flys into his crotch][voice slows]Oh hey, look, bat people. Please don't eat me, bat people... [collapses]
Simmons: [voice slows down] That's a pretty good point, Grif.
Grif: What the... [Grif sees a large glowing pink dart is imbedded in Simmons neck] Are you okay?
Simmons: Yeah, why do you ask?
Grif: Huh. You got a pink thing on you.
Simmons: [voice slows more] Huh? Like a snake? Get it off. [collapses]
Grif: Simmons? Simmons? [turns] Huh? [another dart flys into his neck] Ow. [Nine more darts shoot into him] Ow! [a dart flys into his crotch][voice slows]Oh hey, look, bat people. Please don't eat me, bat people... [collapses]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Doc: Hey, who's the yellow soldier?
Tucker: That's just Sister. She's new.
Doc: No one told me about a new arrival! I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty!
Tucker: Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E. [pause] That spells fine.
Doc: Thanks, but I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-
Tucker: I'm a doctor! A doctor of love. PhD. Certified in Love-ology. General Harrastitioner. Sexacologist.
Doc: First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty, and also, PhDs? Ha! Not really doctors!
Tucker: Dude, you're a dork.
Sister: Hey.
Tucker: What's up, Sis? What'd you and Tex talk about?
Sister: Uh, she was just talking about everyone here, how you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, that if I tried to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry and everybody would hate me. You know, girl stuff!
Tucker: Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.
Sister: Hi!
Doc: Uh, hello, nice to meet you, I'm the medic, and if it's all right with you I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come in the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?
Sister: Sure. Lead the way. See ya, Tucker.
Tucker: ...What the fuck just happened?
Tucker: That's just Sister. She's new.
Doc: No one told me about a new arrival! I'm supposed to examine everyone before they assume active duty!
Tucker: Don't sweat it, I already checked her out for you. Diagnosis: F-I-N-E. [pause] That spells fine.
Doc: Thanks, but I think a trained medical professional should be the one to-
Tucker: I'm a doctor! A doctor of love. PhD. Certified in Love-ology. General Harrastitioner. Sexacologist.
Doc: First of all, love is not an officially recognized medical specialty, and also, PhDs? Ha! Not really doctors!
Tucker: Dude, you're a dork.
Sister: Hey.
Tucker: What's up, Sis? What'd you and Tex talk about?
Sister: Uh, she was just talking about everyone here, how you're all idiots and jerks, but you guys are her idiots and jerks, that if I tried to become more popular than her she would talk about me behind my back and turn everyone against me, and then I would cry and everybody would hate me. You know, girl stuff!
Tucker: Cool. Oh hey, speaking of girl stuff, this is Doc.
Sister: Hi!
Doc: Uh, hello, nice to meet you, I'm the medic, and if it's all right with you I need to give you a quick physical examination since you're new. Do you want to come in the base where you might feel more comfortable taking off all your clothes?
Sister: Sure. Lead the way. See ya, Tucker.
Tucker: ...What the fuck just happened?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Just smooth talk her!
Caboose: Uh, I don't know how to do that.
Church: Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!
Caboose: I don't know...
Church: It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.
Tex: Pardon me?
Church: Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]
Tex: [Pause] I see your point.
Church: Go ahead.
Caboose: Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]
Tucker: Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!
Church: Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.
Tucker: Interrupt what?
Caboose: Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.
Tex: [Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.
Tucker: What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]
Church: Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]
Tucker: Ow! What is going on around here?
Caboose: I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.
Caboose: Uh, I don't know how to do that.
Church: Just tell her she's pretty! Or that she's got that new tank smell, or something. Complement her treads, it doesn't matter!
Caboose: I don't know...
Church: It's easy! Look, here, just practice on Tex. She's... womanish.
Tex: Pardon me?
Church: Do you want Caboose to run decoy for you, or do you want to try this on your own? [Sheila fires a blast into the canyon wall]
Tex: [Pause] I see your point.
Church: Go ahead.
Caboose: Hello... Tex... [Tucker runs up]
Tucker: Dude, you will not believe what Doc just pulled off!
Church: Shut up, Tucker, don't interrupt.
Tucker: Interrupt what?
Caboose: Tex... I think you are pretty... and you haven't hurt my body in a long time, so I was hoping that we could talk and be friends maybe and hold hands and you would go with me, and when you went with me you would be my real girlfriend.
Tex: [Forced] I think that would be... nice, Caboose. We should definitely... [sigh] do that.
Tucker: What the hell? Tex, have you gone crazy? If you wanna get with somebody, get with me! The love doctor! I'm a real man! I will rock your fucking world! [Tex looks to Church]
Church: Hey, don't look at me. He's not part of the plan. [Tex smashes Tucker's face with her rifle]
Tucker: Ow! What is going on around here?
Caboose: I don't think I'm going to use Tucker's "rock your world" line. I think I'm gonna stick with my own material.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: Sarge, I found Simmons. He's over here, sleeping on the job.
Simmons: Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged!
Donut: Sorry, Sarge. He's not sleeping. He's doing drugs! [Simmons gets up]
Simmons: Shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked! Ah, they must have used some sort of tranquilizer on me and... Grif? Where's Grif?
Donut: Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs!
Simmons: They must have taken him!
Sarge: Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?
Simmons: The people who ambushed us! We have to find him! Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few seconds...
Sarge: A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless! Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier. Using the widest possible definition of good... and soldier.
Simmons: I've got a signal!
Sarge: He's probably a million miles away by now!
Simmons: Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.
Sarge: But who knows what direction!
Simmons: That direction.
Sarge: Exactly. We did our best, Simmons. Let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?
Simmons: I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.
Sarge: Ugh. What direction did you say?
Simmons: That way, sir.
Sarge: Come on, let's go.
Simmons: Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged!
Donut: Sorry, Sarge. He's not sleeping. He's doing drugs! [Simmons gets up]
Simmons: Shut up, Donut, I'm not doing drugs, we were attacked! Ah, they must have used some sort of tranquilizer on me and... Grif? Where's Grif?
Donut: Maybe he's out scoring you junkies some more drugs!
Simmons: They must have taken him!
Sarge: Who would take Grif? Garbage collectors?
Simmons: The people who ambushed us! We have to find him! Luckily, I implanted a tracking chip in his armor. I wanted to be able to find him when it was time to work. I should be able to lock onto his signal in just a few seconds...
Sarge: A few seconds? That sounds entirely hopeless! Well, Grif, we'll miss you. You were a good soldier. Using the widest possible definition of good... and soldier.
Simmons: I've got a signal!
Sarge: He's probably a million miles away by now!
Simmons: Actually, he's only a tenth of a mile away.
Sarge: But who knows what direction!
Simmons: That direction.
Sarge: Exactly. We did our best, Simmons. Let's head back to base and call for a replacement troop. Where's my shotgun?
Simmons: I don't see it anywhere. I guess they took it when they took Grif.
Sarge: Ugh. What direction did you say?
Simmons: That way, sir.
Sarge: Come on, let's go.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: So Caboose is going to be up front talking to her, and while he's got her distracted, you sneak around the back, access the panel, and shut her down.
Tex: Okay. I'll do it. [Pause]
Church: What, that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?
Tex: No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands, it should be you.
Church: Oh, well in that case-
Tex: Forget it. Deal's done.
Church: Dammit.
Caboose: Um, how should I distract Sheila?
Church: Just talk to her! Keep her attention, that's it.
Caboose: I... don't know, we kinda have a history... uh, she may not want to talk to me.
Church: So? Tex and I have a rough history. Doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.
Tex: I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.
Church: Ugh, get off my back, woman, can't you see I'm working here?
Tex: Please! You call this working?
Caboose: See, uh, this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.
Church: Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.
Tex: Okay. I'll do it. [Pause]
Church: What, that's it? You will? No bargaining? No ridiculous demands?
Tex: No. I'm trying to find O'Malley and his friend. In a way, you guys are helping me. If anyone should be making demands, it should be you.
Church: Oh, well in that case-
Tex: Forget it. Deal's done.
Church: Dammit.
Caboose: Um, how should I distract Sheila?
Church: Just talk to her! Keep her attention, that's it.
Caboose: I... don't know, we kinda have a history... uh, she may not want to talk to me.
Church: So? Tex and I have a rough history. Doesn't mean we can't be professional and hold a conversation.
Tex: I wouldn't exactly call them conversations.
Church: Ugh, get off my back, woman, can't you see I'm working here?
Tex: Please! You call this working?
Caboose: See, uh, this is exactly what could happen with me and Sheila, only with more getting shot by tanks.
Church: Caboose, if that happened, I'm sure the shell would just bounce off you and land on me somehow.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Well, I suppose I should figure out a way to get Tex to reboot Sheila. Man, I'm gonna have to call in a lot of favors for this one.
Tucker: What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?
Church: She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.
Tucker: Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?
Church: Yeah. That way. C'mon, Caboose. Let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.
Tucker: Yeah right. Hey, when she kills you, I'm gonna sell your armor to that pink guy on the red team. I hear he's in the market.
Tucker: What favors could you possibly have stored up with someone who dumped you?
Church: She didn't dump me, Tucker, it was mutual.
Tucker: Mutual in what way? Mutual in the sense that you were both single the moment after she dumped you?
Church: Yeah. That way. C'mon, Caboose. Let's go explain the plan to Tex. Wish us luck.
Tucker: Yeah right. Hey, when she kills you, I'm gonna sell your armor to that pink guy on the red team. I hear he's in the market.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Junior? Junior? Hey Junior? Where did you go?
Junior: Honk!
Tucker: There you are!
Junior: Honk!
Tucker: You little rascal.
Junior: [quietly and high-pitched] Honk!
Doc: Okay, Sister. Any other conditions I should know about?
Sister: Umm, Let's see... You know about all the ways I'm contagious...
Tucker: Hey, what's going on here?
Sister: Oh! I'm color-blind!
Doc: Really? That's weird, but I don't think it'll cause any problems here. Okay, go ahead and bend over.
Sister: Sure. Like this?
Doc: Wow! Yeah! You're really limber and in a really great shape.
Sister: Yeah I am!
Doc: I'm not gonna play against you in Twister.
Sister: Check this out!
Doc: Wowsers! I didn't even know a leg could bend that far. That is a leg, right? Okay. Oh and by the way, sorry if my hands are cold.
Sister: That's cool. Sorry if my body is a little hot.
Tucker: [standing behind a corner] Hey, do you guys need any help in there?
Sister: Is someone spying on us? Yes! Hot!
Doc: No, we're good! Hey Sister? You want me to turn up the heat or something? You look like you're...
Sister: Eh, I'll be okay. Hard nipples won't kill you.
Tucker: I could just walk around this corner, if you need me to. Wouldn't be a problem.
Doc: We got it! Hey, sorry I got you all wet before. I didn't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on that shelf. That was weird.
Sister: That's okay. I think it will actually help. Squeezing these puppies into the armor could be a little difficult.
Tucker: Maybe I should just lo
Junior: Honk!
Tucker: There you are!
Junior: Honk!
Tucker: You little rascal.
Junior: [quietly and high-pitched] Honk!
Doc: Okay, Sister. Any other conditions I should know about?
Sister: Umm, Let's see... You know about all the ways I'm contagious...
Tucker: Hey, what's going on here?
Sister: Oh! I'm color-blind!
Doc: Really? That's weird, but I don't think it'll cause any problems here. Okay, go ahead and bend over.
Sister: Sure. Like this?
Doc: Wow! Yeah! You're really limber and in a really great shape.
Sister: Yeah I am!
Doc: I'm not gonna play against you in Twister.
Sister: Check this out!
Doc: Wowsers! I didn't even know a leg could bend that far. That is a leg, right? Okay. Oh and by the way, sorry if my hands are cold.
Sister: That's cool. Sorry if my body is a little hot.
Tucker: [standing behind a corner] Hey, do you guys need any help in there?
Sister: Is someone spying on us? Yes! Hot!
Doc: No, we're good! Hey Sister? You want me to turn up the heat or something? You look like you're...
Sister: Eh, I'll be okay. Hard nipples won't kill you.
Tucker: I could just walk around this corner, if you need me to. Wouldn't be a problem.
Doc: We got it! Hey, sorry I got you all wet before. I didn't even know how that bucket of baby oil got up on that shelf. That was weird.
Sister: That's okay. I think it will actually help. Squeezing these puppies into the armor could be a little difficult.
Tucker: Maybe I should just lo
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Come on. Grif should be right over here.
Donut: Don't listen to him, Sarge! He's just trying to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month, when he asked for money? It was for drugs!
Sarge: That was part of the budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.
Donut: Enabler!
Simmons: I see something.
Sarge: Ah, there's my shotgun! Mission accomplished! Excellent work, men. Let's hang up a banner.
Simmons: There's Grif.
Sarge: Oh right, and Grif... Excellent- somethin'-or-other... He[Grif moaning]-w-why do I even bother?
Grif: [Weak] What happened? What did you do to me?
Simmons: We got knocked-the fuck-out out! And the people who did it must've taken you.
Grif: Oh, right. They kept asking me questions... They wanted information...
Sarge: Information? What did the-
Simmons: Woah, woah, they wanted information and they took you!? Why wouldn't they take me?
Sarge: What did they look like?
Simmons: Sarge, please. I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?
Grif: What, are you jealous? Jesus..
Simmons: No. I think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.
Grif: Yeah, you're jealous.
Sarge: Besides, takin' all the fun out of interrogating.
Donut: Don't listen to him, Sarge! He's just trying to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month, when he asked for money? It was for drugs!
Sarge: That was part of the budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.
Donut: Enabler!
Simmons: I see something.
Sarge: Ah, there's my shotgun! Mission accomplished! Excellent work, men. Let's hang up a banner.
Simmons: There's Grif.
Sarge: Oh right, and Grif... Excellent- somethin'-or-other... He[Grif moaning]-w-why do I even bother?
Grif: [Weak] What happened? What did you do to me?
Simmons: We got knocked-the fuck-out out! And the people who did it must've taken you.
Grif: Oh, right. They kept asking me questions... They wanted information...
Sarge: Information? What did the-
Simmons: Woah, woah, they wanted information and they took you!? Why wouldn't they take me?
Sarge: What did they look like?
Simmons: Sarge, please. I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?
Grif: What, are you jealous? Jesus..
Simmons: No. I think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.
Grif: Yeah, you're jealous.
Sarge: Besides, takin' all the fun out of interrogating.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sheila: Luckily, I know where Omega is.
Caboose: You do? Where?
Sheila: He is inside [Tex deactivates Sheila, and her voice fizzles out]
Tex: Got it!
Caboose: ...who is "bloooore?"
Caboose: You do? Where?
Sheila: He is inside [Tex deactivates Sheila, and her voice fizzles out]
Tex: Got it!
Caboose: ...who is "bloooore?"
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: CHURCH, WAIT!
Church: Huh?
Tucker: Church, hold on a second, I've got something to tell you!
Church: Tucker, what? What is it?
Tucker: I just wanted to say... I got a hard-line Tex can use. Bow chicka bow wow.
Tex: How did you even hear that?
Tucker: Phh, I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.
Church: Huh?
Tucker: Church, hold on a second, I've got something to tell you!
Church: Tucker, what? What is it?
Tucker: I just wanted to say... I got a hard-line Tex can use. Bow chicka bow wow.
Tex: How did you even hear that?
Tucker: Phh, I'm like Superman, I know when I'm needed.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Shake it off you big orange baby, what happened to you?
Donut: He's been chasing the dragon.
Simmons: Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.
Donut: That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!
Simmons: Shut up!
Donut: He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.
Simmons: Will, you, stop, Donut! All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs.
Donut: Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.
Donut: He's been chasing the dragon.
Simmons: Donut, shut up, he was drugged just like me.
Donut: That's what I'm saying! He fell off the wagon, and shook hands with the Devil!
Simmons: Shut up!
Donut: He's been ridin' the wave, and trippin' the technicolor dreamscape. Far out, man. Druggie loser.
Simmons: Will, you, stop, Donut! All you're doing with your stupid anti-drug lingo is making me actually want to try drugs.
Donut: Choose life, Simmons. Choose it.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Wait a second- I can prove I'm not crazy, 'cause of the bomb. The bomb!
Simmons: Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane. Just start screaming "the bomb, the bomb."
Simmons: Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane. Just start screaming "the bomb, the bomb."
TV Show: Red vs. Blue