Red vs. Blue Quotes
Sarge: What are the Blues doing on the radio?
Simmons: Who knows? Hey Blues shut the fuck up! Get off our radios and quit ruining our batteries down!
(O'Malley infects Simmons)
Simmons: Do it now or I will kill every last one of you! And everyone here as well, just to make a point! HAHAHAHA!
Grif: Whoa Simmons, don't you think that was a little over the top?
Simmons: Suck it, you fool!
Sarge: What's wrong with your voice?
Simmons: Nothing! Why does something have to be wrong with MY voice? Maybe something's wrong with YOUR voice! Ever think about that, COCKSUCKER?
Grif: Um, you do know that's Sarge you're talking to, right?
Simmons: (in normal voice) I mean, cocksucker, SIR! (giggles madly)
Simmons: Who knows? Hey Blues shut the fuck up! Get off our radios and quit ruining our batteries down!
(O'Malley infects Simmons)
Simmons: Do it now or I will kill every last one of you! And everyone here as well, just to make a point! HAHAHAHA!
Grif: Whoa Simmons, don't you think that was a little over the top?
Simmons: Suck it, you fool!
Sarge: What's wrong with your voice?
Simmons: Nothing! Why does something have to be wrong with MY voice? Maybe something's wrong with YOUR voice! Ever think about that, COCKSUCKER?
Grif: Um, you do know that's Sarge you're talking to, right?
Simmons: (in normal voice) I mean, cocksucker, SIR! (giggles madly)
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Donut, initiate Emergency Plan Traitor Simmons Number 11!
Donut: On it, sir! (shoots Grif)
Grif: Owhowowow!!
Sarge: Donut! I said Plan 11!
Donut: Where am I going to get a steamroller?
Donut: On it, sir! (shoots Grif)
Grif: Owhowowow!!
Sarge: Donut! I said Plan 11!
Donut: Where am I going to get a steamroller?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
(Tex bashes Simmons who is infected by O'Malley)
Simmons: Ow, the back of my lower legs!
(Tex hits him again)
Simmons: Ow, the side of my head!
(Tex hits him thrice)
Simmons: The back of my face!
(Tex continues to beat up Simmons)
Simmons: The front of my front!
Tucker: Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!
Church: (sarcasticly) Thanks for the update!
Simmons: Ow, the back of my lower legs!
(Tex hits him again)
Simmons: Ow, the side of my head!
(Tex hits him thrice)
Simmons: The back of my face!
(Tex continues to beat up Simmons)
Simmons: The front of my front!
Tucker: Hey Church, I think Tex is over here!
Church: (sarcasticly) Thanks for the update!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: I told you to disable the ship, not destroy it!
Sarge: Oh yeah, well, score one for the Red team I guess.
Tucker: What about my kid?!
Sarge: Oh, right, score two.
Sarge: Oh yeah, well, score one for the Red team I guess.
Tucker: What about my kid?!
Sarge: Oh, right, score two.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
(Church has entered Caboose's mind, where everyone is shown as how Caboose sees them)
Simmons: Freeze, blue!
Church: Simmons?
Simmons: Hey everyone, I caught an intruder! I'm the greatest! I mean I'm the greatest one that isn't Caboose!
Grif: (Raspy version of his voice) Great job, Simons!
Simmons: Thanks orangest guy...Who's name I really don't remember!
Sarge: (Pirate accent) Argh, lets be makin' him walk the plank.
Donut: (As a full fledged woman) Let's all go shopping to celebrate!
Church: Oh right...
Simmons: Freeze, blue!
Church: Simmons?
Simmons: Hey everyone, I caught an intruder! I'm the greatest! I mean I'm the greatest one that isn't Caboose!
Grif: (Raspy version of his voice) Great job, Simons!
Simmons: Thanks orangest guy...Who's name I really don't remember!
Sarge: (Pirate accent) Argh, lets be makin' him walk the plank.
Donut: (As a full fledged woman) Let's all go shopping to celebrate!
Church: Oh right...
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Jolly good day, Mr. Caboose. We be having a prisoner for you, we do.
Church: I thought you had a pirate accent?
Sarge: Argh, I'm not very consistant. Yarg!
Caboose: Hello Church, you must be very happy to see me.
Church: Yeah, of course. I'm so happy I wanna fuckin puke.
Yellow Church: Hey what's up,
Church: Hey who the fuck are you? Sister?
Yello Church: Yes I'm Sister, Church's twin brother. I crashed here on a spaceship from the moon. And now I live with Caboose and the people from the tail end of the spaceship live on the other side of the island.
Church: What the fuck? That's wrong in like eight different ways.
Yellow Church: Yeah, I know...Tell me about it.
Church: Caboose, seriously, do you pay attention to anything that happens?
Caboose: New Church is my new best friend now.
Yellow Church: I'd argue with that too, but...What's the point.
Church: I thought you had a pirate accent?
Sarge: Argh, I'm not very consistant. Yarg!
Caboose: Hello Church, you must be very happy to see me.
Church: Yeah, of course. I'm so happy I wanna fuckin puke.
Yellow Church: Hey what's up,
Church: Hey who the fuck are you? Sister?
Yello Church: Yes I'm Sister, Church's twin brother. I crashed here on a spaceship from the moon. And now I live with Caboose and the people from the tail end of the spaceship live on the other side of the island.
Church: What the fuck? That's wrong in like eight different ways.
Yellow Church: Yeah, I know...Tell me about it.
Church: Caboose, seriously, do you pay attention to anything that happens?
Caboose: New Church is my new best friend now.
Yellow Church: I'd argue with that too, but...What's the point.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Simmons, where can we get some explosives?
Simmons: Well, as you recall, we recently came across Andy the bomb and Lopez in the caves. So-
Sarge: Of course! Men, let's go ask Lopez where we can get some explosives!
Simmons: *sigh* Excellent plan, sir...
Simmons: Well, as you recall, we recently came across Andy the bomb and Lopez in the caves. So-
Sarge: Of course! Men, let's go ask Lopez where we can get some explosives!
Simmons: *sigh* Excellent plan, sir...
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Caboose, what happened?
Caboose: Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker, which was awesome, and took his sword. Also someone might've have been surprised by that and peed his pants just a little bit...Or a lot.
Church: I was only behind them by like thirty seconds! What the fuck! Where is she?
Caboose: She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.
Church: FUCK! What about O'Malley? Where is he?
Caboose: Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker, which was awesome, and took his sword. Also someone might've have been surprised by that and peed his pants just a little bit...Or a lot.
Church: I was only behind them by like thirty seconds! What the fuck! Where is she?
Caboose: She took the sword and a Wyoming helmet to the ship. I think she went to the ship to save Tucker's kid. He's on the ship too now.
Church: FUCK! What about O'Malley? Where is he?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: HAHAHAHAHA, that's the problem with living in a patriarichal society, men always assume they know everything! HAHAHA!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Andy: Whoa, Lopez! Looks like your girlfriend (Sheila, who's uploaded into the ship) has put on a little weight!
Donut: Andy, that's rude!
Andy: What? You were all thinking it! I mean, I'm just saying someone should really switch to unleaded!
Donut: Andy, that's rude!
Andy: What? You were all thinking it! I mean, I'm just saying someone should really switch to unleaded!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Donut. Relax. You've been infected by a computer virus and we just need to figure out what to do about it.
Donut: (Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-
(Donut is knocked out by Tex)
Sarge: Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!
Grif: Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.
(Tex knocks out Sarge, forcing O'Malley to infect Grif)
Grif: Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.
Doc: We're here, is anyone hurt...
(Grif falls asleep, forcing O'Malley to infect Doc)
Doc: ...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!
Church: I know that laugh. Nobody move!
(O'Malley infects Church)
Church: You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...
(Tex knocks out Church)
Church: Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?
Tex: Church run!
Church: Tex DON'T!
(O'Malley infects Tex)
Tex: You have no idea how much trouble you are in
Donut: (Possessed by O'Malley) HAHAHAHA! NO, it's my body! It's my choice! And another thing, why do I do as much work as you guys but only get 92 percent of-
(Donut is knocked out by Tex)
Sarge: Hey don't hit my soldiers without my permission...(O'Malley infects Sarge) I'm the one who gets to hit my soldiers. MWAHAHAHA! YEAH, eat lead world, drop and give me infinity!
Grif: Sarge I think you've finally gone crazy.
(Tex knocks out Sarge, forcing O'Malley to infect Grif)
Grif: Whoa that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the universe. Which is unlike me, considering I'd have to do actual work. I think I'll just fall asleep instead.
Doc: We're here, is anyone hurt...
(Grif falls asleep, forcing O'Malley to infect Doc)
Doc: ...Or need to be killed? HAHAHA!
Church: I know that laugh. Nobody move!
(O'Malley infects Church)
Church: You know I...I really don't feel all that different. Meh, meh heh, heh, meh, meh, no. Feels pretty much the same. That's kinda weird huh? Expected more...
(Tex knocks out Church)
Church: Where'd he go, where'd he go? Is he gone...Tex?
Tex: Church run!
Church: Tex DON'T!
(O'Malley infects Tex)
Tex: You have no idea how much trouble you are in
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: Church...
Church: Yeah?
Caboose: You ever wonder why we're here?
Church: You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole or a pervert or a snob, or they're lazy or arrogant or an idiot or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to; you have to despise people on a personal level, not because they're red or because they're blue, but because you know them and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.
Caboose: ...I meant, why are we out here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade?
Church: Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade.
Church: Yeah?
Caboose: You ever wonder why we're here?
Church: You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole or a pervert or a snob, or they're lazy or arrogant or an idiot or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to; you have to despise people on a personal level, not because they're red or because they're blue, but because you know them and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag.
Caboose: ...I meant, why are we out here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade?
Church: Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Hey, Simmons...
Simmons: Yeah?
Grif: Just one thing. Shotgun!
Simmons: Fuck!
Simmons: Yeah?
Grif: Just one thing. Shotgun!
Simmons: Fuck!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: (Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.
Simmons: Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!
Grif: Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!
Church: Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.
Caboose: Okay!
Church: And don't shoot me this time!
Caboose: Okay (immediately shoots Church)
Church: Son of a bitch!
Caboose: Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)
Tucker: Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.
Sarge: Aha! Got you, blues!
Tucker: Sarge, I thought you were dead!
Sarge: I was dead, Doc revived me!
Doc: That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!
Sarge: Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!
Tucker: Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.
Doc: (dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!
Tucker: And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!
Sister: Ooh! Yeah!
Tucker: Wouldn't yo
Simmons: Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!
Grif: Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!
Church: Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.
Caboose: Okay!
Church: And don't shoot me this time!
Caboose: Okay (immediately shoots Church)
Church: Son of a bitch!
Caboose: Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)
Tucker: Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.
Sarge: Aha! Got you, blues!
Tucker: Sarge, I thought you were dead!
Sarge: I was dead, Doc revived me!
Doc: That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!
Sarge: Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!
Tucker: Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.
Doc: (dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!
Tucker: And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!
Sister: Ooh! Yeah!
Tucker: Wouldn't yo
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Vic Jr.: (Sarge shoots at the computer) Ow, dude. That was my heat sink. Now where the fuck am I gonna sink my heat?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Be careful Sarge, that stalagmite almost hit me!
Donut: Actually Grif, that was a stalagtite. You see stalagmite's grow up from the ground.
Grif: I don't care, Donut. The point is that I almost got crushed by huge fucking-(A stalagtite crushes and kills Grif)...Ow,
Donut: Actually Grif, that was a stalagtite. You see stalagmite's grow up from the ground.
Grif: I don't care, Donut. The point is that I almost got crushed by huge fucking-(A stalagtite crushes and kills Grif)...Ow,
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Congratulations Player! You have winner! Thank you for playing Red vs. Blue Please play the Red vs. Blue 2 The adventure begins to continue again... Coming Winter 2004 soon!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: When you kill your enemy, you wanna look straight in his eyes so he knows that you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you a chance to deal out some really zippy one-liners. Like, "I hope you brought your wallet, 'cause the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"
Grif: (sighs) Oh, my god...
Sarge: Or my personal favorite, "You just got Sarged!"
Grif: (sighs) Oh, my god...
Sarge: Or my personal favorite, "You just got Sarged!"
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: How 'bout a tasty lead sandwich with a side of Sarge! [He uses his shotgun to kill Grif.] Hold the life...and the mayo.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Dr. Sarge M.D. to the emergency room! Prescription, death. Diagnosis, SHOTGUN! [Sarge melee's Grif with his shotgun.]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Sarge walks in and shoots Tucker.]
Sarge: Hey, Blue, how do you like them apples? And by apples, I mean bullets; in your face! [Sarge teabags Tucker repeatedly.] How do you like them pears? Guess what I mean by pears; deez nuuuuuuts.
Sarge: Hey, Blue, how do you like them apples? And by apples, I mean bullets; in your face! [Sarge teabags Tucker repeatedly.] How do you like them pears? Guess what I mean by pears; deez nuuuuuuts.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Sarge has his shotgun pointed directly at the side of Church's head.]
Sarge: Hey, does this shotgun barrel look clogged to you?
Church: Sarge, I'm not gonna look in your shotgun.
Sarge: (swapping weapons) How 'bout these rocket barrels?
Sarge: Hey, does this shotgun barrel look clogged to you?
Church: Sarge, I'm not gonna look in your shotgun.
Sarge: (swapping weapons) How 'bout these rocket barrels?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: What's the deal, dude? I've been here all day and I haven't even been in a single shot yet. Why did you guys call me down here?
Church: What are you bitchin' at me for?
[Sarge suddenly walks in and kills Tucker.]
Tucker: Ow!
Church: Oh, come on, Sarge!
Sarge: Oh, I'm sorry. Don't let me interrupt all your fancy dyin' talk. NOW DIE!
[Sarge proceeds to shoot and kill Church.]
Church: Ow!
Church: What are you bitchin' at me for?
[Sarge suddenly walks in and kills Tucker.]
Tucker: Ow!
Church: Oh, come on, Sarge!
Sarge: Oh, I'm sorry. Don't let me interrupt all your fancy dyin' talk. NOW DIE!
[Sarge proceeds to shoot and kill Church.]
Church: Ow!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Hey, Grif, hold these bullets for me... [Sarge shoots and kills Grif.] ...IN YOUR GUT!
Grif: Ow! I can see my spine!
Grif: Ow! I can see my spine!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Here, we have a run-down soldier, but today we'll show you that with a few simple modifications, you can make an attractive corpse. [Sarge shoots and kills Grif.] It's a good thing.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Sarge starts off by killing Tucker.]
Sarge: Dr. Sarge says take two barrels of this shotgun and call me in the morning when you're dead! Ring ring, hello? Is it you? Yep, you're dead!
Sarge: Dr. Sarge says take two barrels of this shotgun and call me in the morning when you're dead! Ring ring, hello? Is it you? Yep, you're dead!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Hey Church, I'm still trying to figure out what to get Caboose.
Church: Christmas is in seven hours moron.
Tucker: I know. If you wait until last minute you get all the good deals.
Church: Ah just get everybody the same thing, that's what I did.
Tucker: Let me guess, everyone gets a lump of coal.
Church: Fuck no! Do you know how much coal cost, it's like $5 a ton. I'm not spending that much on you losers! (short pause) You're all getting a lump of smoal.
Tucker: What's smoal?
Church: It's a knockoff synthetic coal, it smokes but it doesn't catch heat.
Tucker: How does something smoke without heat?
Church: How the fuck should I know? Ask the fine makers of smoal.
Church: Christmas is in seven hours moron.
Tucker: I know. If you wait until last minute you get all the good deals.
Church: Ah just get everybody the same thing, that's what I did.
Tucker: Let me guess, everyone gets a lump of coal.
Church: Fuck no! Do you know how much coal cost, it's like $5 a ton. I'm not spending that much on you losers! (short pause) You're all getting a lump of smoal.
Tucker: What's smoal?
Church: It's a knockoff synthetic coal, it smokes but it doesn't catch heat.
Tucker: How does something smoke without heat?
Church: How the fuck should I know? Ask the fine makers of smoal.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue