Red vs. Blue Quotes
Church: You know, we could've taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times.
Tucker: A few more times? How about one time?
Church: Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.
Tucker: Yeah, right.
Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards.
Tex: This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from? The fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further, you woulda had to mail him the bullets!
Tucker: A few more times? How about one time?
Church: Well, I think I landed at least two or three shots.
Tucker: Yeah, right.
Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.
Church: How the hell would you know? You were running straight backwards.
Tex: This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.
Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from? The fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further, you woulda had to mail him the bullets!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.
Sheila: I don't think so.
Simmons: Shut up you ruin my life!
Sheila: I don't think so.
Simmons: Shut up you ruin my life!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Caboose suggests a name for the Alien]
Caboose: I think I will call him... Crunchbite!
Andy: Naah, that's a stupid name.
Caboose: Well I think it's better than your suggestion...Crouchasaurous.
Caboose: I think I will call him... Crunchbite!
Andy: Naah, that's a stupid name.
Caboose: Well I think it's better than your suggestion...Crouchasaurous.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The Blues are talking about finding a translator]:
Tucker: Ooo-kay. Church... is trying to get a TRANSLATOR. So that WE can TALK to EACH OTHER.
Church: : Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language. Speaking slowly is not gonna help.
Tucker: What? I'm talking to Caboose.
Church: Oh.
Caboose: [camera pans to reveal Caboose] I don't understand. Are-are-are you hungry? Tucker, are you hungry? Are you cold?
Tucker: What? No.
Caboose: Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?
Tucker: Damn it, no, Caboose! I'm NOT cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my fucking sheets again, I'm gonna kill you!
Tucker: Ooo-kay. Church... is trying to get a TRANSLATOR. So that WE can TALK to EACH OTHER.
Church: : Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language. Speaking slowly is not gonna help.
Tucker: What? I'm talking to Caboose.
Church: Oh.
Caboose: [camera pans to reveal Caboose] I don't understand. Are-are-are you hungry? Tucker, are you hungry? Are you cold?
Tucker: What? No.
Caboose: Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?
Tucker: Damn it, no, Caboose! I'm NOT cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my fucking sheets again, I'm gonna kill you!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Caboose decides on another name for the Alien]
Caboose: Okay gargantuan alien, now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name. I vote for Fluffy.
Tucker: Fluffy?
Caboose: Fluffy! The alien that only loves!
Caboose: Okay gargantuan alien, now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name. I vote for Fluffy.
Tucker: Fluffy?
Caboose: Fluffy! The alien that only loves!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The Blues are trying to find out the Alien's name]
Tucker: He's got to have a name! Why don't we just ask him? Hey Alien dude, what's your name? Naaame. I am Tucker. This is Church. That's Bitch-pants McCrabby.
Tex: Hey!
Tucker: Well, that's what we call you.
Caboose: Not me. I call you Mrs.McCrabby
Tex: Thanks.
Tucker: He's got to have a name! Why don't we just ask him? Hey Alien dude, what's your name? Naaame. I am Tucker. This is Church. That's Bitch-pants McCrabby.
Tex: Hey!
Tucker: Well, that's what we call you.
Caboose: Not me. I call you Mrs.McCrabby
Tex: Thanks.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tex: Has it occured to you that his name might be Honk-honk?
Church: What kinda name is Honk-honk?
Church: What kinda name is Honk-honk?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The Blues are trying to understand the Alien]
Church: Alien, does blarg mean yes?
Alien: Blarg.
Church: Holy shit! Blarg means yes. He just said yes. Blarg means yes. I speak alien!
Tex: Yeah..unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no. Blarg does not mean yes.
Church: What?! No way. Hey Alien, am I right?
Alien: Blarg.
Church: Haha, see? The FUCK do you know.
Church: Alien, does blarg mean yes?
Alien: Blarg.
Church: Holy shit! Blarg means yes. He just said yes. Blarg means yes. I speak alien!
Tex: Yeah..unless blarg means no. In which case, he just said no. Blarg does not mean yes.
Church: What?! No way. Hey Alien, am I right?
Alien: Blarg.
Church: Haha, see? The FUCK do you know.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: No wait, monkeys...monkey pirates.
Shiela: Nope.
Simmons: From..Uranus.
Shiela: My logical data analysis sector indicates that would be highly unlikely, and my bullshit meter agrees.
Shiela: Nope.
Simmons: From..Uranus.
Shiela: My logical data analysis sector indicates that would be highly unlikely, and my bullshit meter agrees.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Church! Chuuuuurch! Hey, Church!
Church: I'm right behind you dumbass.
Tucker: Oh. Hey, Church, do you have a knife?
Church: No. That's a weapon, dude. Ask Tex.
Tucker: She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff, I think.
Church: Huh? Like what?
Tucker: I don't know! I stopped asking questions after "girl stuff".
Church: I'm right behind you dumbass.
Tucker: Oh. Hey, Church, do you have a knife?
Church: No. That's a weapon, dude. Ask Tex.
Tucker: She said she had something to take care of. Girl stuff, I think.
Church: Huh? Like what?
Tucker: I don't know! I stopped asking questions after "girl stuff".
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: What're you two guys doin'?
Tucker: We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English.
Church: How're you gonna do that?
Tucker: People learn English all the time. It aren't that hard.
Church: Maybe you should try learning his language.
Tucker: Fuck that. We got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language.
Church: Tucker, there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth.
Tucker: Yeah, but only one that kicks ass. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101: remedial kick-ass.
Tucker: We're gonna teach the Alien how to speak English.
Church: How're you gonna do that?
Tucker: People learn English all the time. It aren't that hard.
Church: Maybe you should try learning his language.
Tucker: Fuck that. We got here first, and that makes this a colony. Those're the rules, dude. Earth colony, Earth language.
Church: Tucker, there's thousands of languages spoken on Earth.
Tucker: Yeah, but only one that kicks ass. And that's the one we're teaching. English 101: remedial kick-ass.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tex: Alright, bomb, we need to talk.
Andy: Heh hehhh heh heh heh, talk about what, Butch? Workin' on cars, and pickin' up chicks?
Tex: Excuse me, is that any way to talk to a lady?
Andy: A lady? Who're you kiddin'? I bet you got more balls than a roman candle.
Tex: (sighing) I knew this was a bad idea.
Andy: Hey, Tex, why you got black armor? Couldn't find any in flannel?
Tex: Listen jackass--
Andy: (laughing hysterically) Flannel!
Tex: I put you together, I can take you apart.
Andy: (stops laughing) Hey...whaddaya mean?
Tex: Bombs come with remote detonators, dumbass. And any time I want, I can just hit a button and you're just a memory. A very annoying, very insulting memory, but nonetheless a memory.
Andy: I think you're bluffin'. (under breath) ...Dyke.
Tex: Okay, strike two.
Andy: Alright. Whaddaya want?
Tex: Well, when I built you, I used parts from an old protocol robot.
Andy: Yeah sure, and you also used parts from some of your more personal devices.
Tex: Whoa--okay. Can you use those protocol parts and translate what this alien thing is saying?
Andy: Of course! But what's in it for me?
Tex: Let's put it this way: you don't push my buttons, and I don't push yours.
Andy: Alright, fine. But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap!
Tex: Deal. Come on. [She starts to walk off.] Well, are you coming?
Andy: What am I gonna do, roll there? Pick me up, ya dumb bitch!
Tex: (exasperatedly) Great, I can tell this is starting off well.
Andy: Hey, Tex. I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big since your morning scratch! Ahahahahaheh, ahehahe- [Tex
Andy: Heh hehhh heh heh heh, talk about what, Butch? Workin' on cars, and pickin' up chicks?
Tex: Excuse me, is that any way to talk to a lady?
Andy: A lady? Who're you kiddin'? I bet you got more balls than a roman candle.
Tex: (sighing) I knew this was a bad idea.
Andy: Hey, Tex, why you got black armor? Couldn't find any in flannel?
Tex: Listen jackass--
Andy: (laughing hysterically) Flannel!
Tex: I put you together, I can take you apart.
Andy: (stops laughing) Hey...whaddaya mean?
Tex: Bombs come with remote detonators, dumbass. And any time I want, I can just hit a button and you're just a memory. A very annoying, very insulting memory, but nonetheless a memory.
Andy: I think you're bluffin'. (under breath) ...Dyke.
Tex: Okay, strike two.
Andy: Alright. Whaddaya want?
Tex: Well, when I built you, I used parts from an old protocol robot.
Andy: Yeah sure, and you also used parts from some of your more personal devices.
Tex: Whoa--okay. Can you use those protocol parts and translate what this alien thing is saying?
Andy: Of course! But what's in it for me?
Tex: Let's put it this way: you don't push my buttons, and I don't push yours.
Andy: Alright, fine. But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap!
Tex: Deal. Come on. [She starts to walk off.] Well, are you coming?
Andy: What am I gonna do, roll there? Pick me up, ya dumb bitch!
Tex: (exasperatedly) Great, I can tell this is starting off well.
Andy: Hey, Tex. I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big since your morning scratch! Ahahahahaheh, ahehahe- [Tex
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Huurrgggh
Church: You better have your bucket this time.
Caboose: I'll get the mop.
Church: You better have your bucket this time.
Caboose: I'll get the mop.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Andy, what in the Hell happened to Tucker on this little adventure you guys took?
Andy: How should I know?
Caboose: He ate all my food, then just threw it up...could have just thrown it on the floor, and cut out the middle-man...
Church: Yeah, plus, now, he's moody as Hell. I went to ask him if he's feeling better and he practically bit my God-damn head off!
Caboose: I bet he just would have thrown up your head, later...and then you could just put it right back on, and it'd be fine.
Andy: He was fine on the trip. Maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.
Andy: How should I know?
Caboose: He ate all my food, then just threw it up...could have just thrown it on the floor, and cut out the middle-man...
Church: Yeah, plus, now, he's moody as Hell. I went to ask him if he's feeling better and he practically bit my God-damn head off!
Caboose: I bet he just would have thrown up your head, later...and then you could just put it right back on, and it'd be fine.
Andy: He was fine on the trip. Maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Andy is acting as a translator for the alien]
Caboose: What is he [the alien] saying?
Andy: Listen guys, if want me to keep translating, you gotta stop asking "what is he saying?" I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my fucking job, moron.
Caboose: That's what he said? That's a pretty weird thing to say. Ok, tell him, sorry, I will stop saying...that. And...also...no.
Church: I think we need a translator just for Caboose.
Caboose: What is he [the alien] saying?
Andy: Listen guys, if want me to keep translating, you gotta stop asking "what is he saying?" I'm gonna tell you what he's sayin', that's my fucking job, moron.
Caboose: That's what he said? That's a pretty weird thing to say. Ok, tell him, sorry, I will stop saying...that. And...also...no.
Church: I think we need a translator just for Caboose.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: That thing that he's talkin' about must be that sword, and it's not broken--it's right there.
Alien: Argh blargh!
Andy: He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from its resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.
Tex: Uh oh.
Tucker: Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.
Church: This all sounds like bullshit to me.
Tex: No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?
Church: Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. I mean, you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.
Alien: Argh blargh!
Andy: He says it only works with the hero who passes the trial of the windmill, and retrieves it from its resting place. For everyone else, it might as well be broken.
Tex: Uh oh.
Tucker: Trial? Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial. I'm startin' to like this culture though, any dude who trips is a hero. I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.
Church: This all sounds like bullshit to me.
Tex: No he's right. It didn't work for me, remember?
Church: Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl. I mean, you can't even work the entertainment center back at the base. Doesn't mean the remote control is mythically attached to us.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tex: Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.
Tucker: You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex: Me? Hell no. This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.
Tucker: Well, I'm not going with Church. He's a worse fighter than I am.
Church: Well, you're in luck. Cause I'm not going either.
Tucker: You're coming with me, Tex?
Tex: Me? Hell no. This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.
Tucker: Well, I'm not going with Church. He's a worse fighter than I am.
Church: Well, you're in luck. Cause I'm not going either.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Simmons is trying to make the Red Team jealous]
Grif: [to himself] Is that Simmons? [to Simmons who is standing on the cliff] Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue? Have you finally lost it?
Simmons: This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.
Sheila: Firing main cannon. [Sheila fires at the Red Base]
Grif: [to himself] Is that Simmons? [to Simmons who is standing on the cliff] Hey Simmons, why are you painted blue? Have you finally lost it?
Simmons: This isn't working, they don't care. Sheila just shoot at them.
Sheila: Firing main cannon. [Sheila fires at the Red Base]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Andy: [Translating for the Alien] After we cross the Burning Plains of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.
Caboose: The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.
Caboose: The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The Blues are about to embark on their quest]
Caboose: I hope we meet a cleric on the way. We don't have anyone who can heal.
Andy: He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good.
Andy: Not really. They eat their wounded.
Caboose: Just like chiropractors.
Caboose: I hope we meet a cleric on the way. We don't have anyone who can heal.
Andy: He says he's a healer.
Caboose: Oh, good.
Andy: Not really. They eat their wounded.
Caboose: Just like chiropractors.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: Ok, so, um, Tucker is the fighter, Crunchbite is the healer and I am the powerful.....and intelligent wizard, Morphumax.
Andy: What the hell does that make me?
Caboose': You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you frickin' moron!
Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. [turns away from Andy] This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker: I'm gonna fuckin' die.
Andy: What the hell does that make me?
Caboose': You're the good-looking and stealthy archer.
Andy: A bow and arrow? I don't have any arms, you frickin' moron!
Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. [turns away from Andy] This is going to be the best party ever.
Tucker: I'm gonna fuckin' die.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Simmons has Sheila attack the Red base]
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Simmons: Yeahah, take that! Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it, Blue-uh, damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought...
Grif: Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?
Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base--I mean, the Red base! Fuck!
Sheila: Firing main cannon.
Simmons: Yeahah, take that! Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it, Blue-uh, damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought...
Grif: Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?
Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base--I mean, the Red base! Fuck!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[later]
Simmons: You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!
Grif: Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and everything kinda sucks now.
Simmons: Well, too bad, 'cause this is what you get now, you dumb Blue bitch! Red bitch! Fuck, you know what I mean!
Simmons: You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!
Grif: Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and everything kinda sucks now.
Simmons: Well, too bad, 'cause this is what you get now, you dumb Blue bitch! Red bitch! Fuck, you know what I mean!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[later]
Sarge: Grif! What are you doing all the way over there! At least Simmons has the ingenuity to formulate a traitorous plan!
Simmons: Thank you, sir!...I mean, SUCK IT BLUE!...God dammit, I mean RED!
Sarge: But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort! I never would've expected this from you.
Grif: Oh, up yours.
Sarge: What was that?
Grif: ...up yours, SIR.
Sarge: That's better!
Sarge: Grif! What are you doing all the way over there! At least Simmons has the ingenuity to formulate a traitorous plan!
Simmons: Thank you, sir!...I mean, SUCK IT BLUE!...God dammit, I mean RED!
Sarge: But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort! I never would've expected this from you.
Grif: Oh, up yours.
Sarge: What was that?
Grif: ...up yours, SIR.
Sarge: That's better!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Well, good luck guys. Don't forget to change your underwear at least once a day. Tucker, that goes double for you.
Tucker: What? I'm the cleanest guy here!
Church: No, it goes double for you because now you're in charge of changing Caboose as well.
Tucker: I hate you.
Tucker: What? I'm the cleanest guy here!
Church: No, it goes double for you because now you're in charge of changing Caboose as well.
Tucker: I hate you.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Tucker notices Tex staring at the alien's crotch]
Tucker: Let me put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.
[Tex snaps out of her trance]
Tex: Whu-What? Oh, I was just admiring his... Alien... Muscle structure...
Tucker: Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure...
Tex: Well, that's just a matter of penis- I mean opinion! Opinion...
Church: Smooth.
Caboose (horrified): You told me it was another arm...
Alien (happily): Blaaaaarrrrrggg!
Andy (laughing): Hey, Caboose, high five!
Caboose (disturbed): I don't want to do that anymore...
Tucker: Let me put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.
[Tex snaps out of her trance]
Tex: Whu-What? Oh, I was just admiring his... Alien... Muscle structure...
Tucker: Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure...
Tex: Well, that's just a matter of penis- I mean opinion! Opinion...
Church: Smooth.
Caboose (horrified): You told me it was another arm...
Alien (happily): Blaaaaarrrrrggg!
Andy (laughing): Hey, Caboose, high five!
Caboose (disturbed): I don't want to do that anymore...
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: What if I have to kill stuff, dude? I'm a lover not a fighter.
Church: Yeah Tucker, I'm the same way. That's why we get along so well, we're both just a couple of lovers.
(Short pause)
Tucker: That sounded kinda gay, dude.
Church: Yeah, it did... umm... I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss.
Tucker: Our captain died, you're just the guy pretending to be my boss.
Church: Y-you know in our given situation technically you could be seen as one of my employees.
Tucker: Except that I'm not.
Church: (sigh, frustrated) Whatever, listen I just- as... as someone in an employee-manager relationship...
Tucker: Which doesn't exist.
Church: (sighs)
Tucker: Why did you pull me aside again?
Church: I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or... something, but now I just don't care.
Church: Yeah Tucker, I'm the same way. That's why we get along so well, we're both just a couple of lovers.
(Short pause)
Tucker: That sounded kinda gay, dude.
Church: Yeah, it did... umm... I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss.
Tucker: Our captain died, you're just the guy pretending to be my boss.
Church: Y-you know in our given situation technically you could be seen as one of my employees.
Tucker: Except that I'm not.
Church: (sigh, frustrated) Whatever, listen I just- as... as someone in an employee-manager relationship...
Tucker: Which doesn't exist.
Church: (sighs)
Tucker: Why did you pull me aside again?
Church: I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or... something, but now I just don't care.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: You know, I have to say I'm a little surprised that you're not going with them.
Tex: Why? Quests are dangerous!
Church: Yeah but they usually have some kind of big reward at the end you know like some, big treasure chest or an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that Tex. ...Tex? ...You're gone, aren't you.
Tex: Why? Quests are dangerous!
Church: Yeah but they usually have some kind of big reward at the end you know like some, big treasure chest or an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that Tex. ...Tex? ...You're gone, aren't you.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue